Are you still keeping normal contact with DSC?

[Sunshinedelight1287]

DH ex has decided she doesn't want DSC to come to ours for normal contact due to risks of the virus.

No one has any symptoms in either households.

Kids pick up from parents how we respond to this virus and now she's instilled fear about travelling between households. It's so difficult.

I wondered if anyone else has experienced this?

We haven't seen the DSC in a month and I don't think we will see them any time soon. We had agreed to see them EOW so long as no one was displaying symptoms but then DSS went to visit a friend who's father is self isolating. The father has a high fever, dry cough and is miserable. The parents continued sending their kids to school. DSS then went to theirs for an afternoon. We've said we can't have him here now.

FFS. It is not about you 'not showing symptoms' or 'not in a high risk group'. This is about spreading it. Every time someone comes into contact with another person there is a risk of spreading. Most people (especially the NHS) get this. Then others are carrying on as normal. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. We have a new normal and until we all get it the spreading will go on, and on, and on, and on.

@AngeloftheSilence

Well for starters, several people on this thread alone have said they are still sticking to this arrangement when someone in one of the households is a key worker so is NOT practising social distancing.

Honestly, MN is making me absolutely despair. Threads everywhere saying "can I still take my 4 year old to the park, they NEED it", "can my teenager still go out with his friends, he NEEDS it". No, they don't need it. Seeing both parents like usual isn't a need either, I'm sorry but it isn't. These are not normal times, everybody, including children, need to isolate in one household, whether it is ideal/fun for them or not. Seeing both parents right now is not as important, and children are no more exempt from the need to make sacrifices than anyone else.

And for the people saying they are switching their arrangement to a week on/week off to minimise the amount of switching around, while I get the sentiment, what's the point in doing one week? Why not at least do two, by which time symptoms would be much more likely to have emerged if somebody did have it?

We've got the SC and they here for a week - I've got no work now so am at home all the time, their mum is classed as key worker (NHS) and we were going to offer to have kids back on her week when she is working as she has put them down to attend school!

We not happy w being sent to school as well as between both houses - what would you all do in our situation? Don't think mum will be happy with us having kids when she's at work but surely it's the sensible option?

For now were maintaining normal contact with DSS. Both my DP and his stepfather are key workers so there is equal exposure risks in both houses. Other then DP work we are carrying out social isolation.
We normally have him about 40% of the time and I think him losing that contact with one of his parents for a prolonged period would be detrimental to him.
We've been instilling the importance of hygiene and lots of hand washing so hoping to minimise risk that way.

@Harriett123 and what if he gets it from either your DP or his step dad, then takes it to the other house and infects the other one who was previously healthy. He then takes it into his work and infects everybody there, who in turn infect their families? It's not equal exposure at all and it's not at all hard to see why swapping between two households with key workers in them could massively add to the spread.

DP did initially say 2 weeks each at a time but mum, rightly so, said she couldn't go that long without physically seeing DSD. The guidelines for 14 days is IF someone in the household has symptoms otherwise it's still 7 days for a singular person hence our week each. DSD will go from mum front door, to our car, to our front door and DP will be doing all drop offs on the week change over. If anyone gets any sign of feeling unwell then we've agreed to reassess the situation but a parent can't go from seeing their child daily to being told indefinitely won't physically be able to see them. Both parents, both share the responsibility of childcare during these times. It shouldn't just fall onto one parent.

@aSofaNearYou
Taking a child to the park or a teenager wanting to socialise with their friends is so different from a young child maintaining a relationship with both parents.

As I have said this thread has made me rethink the, thankfully, non court ordered contact arrangement I have with my ex.
This isn’t just my decision though, if my exh doesn’t agree that we’re causing unnecessary risk by continuing with contact as we have done for the past 4 years, I will have to continue allowing my children to go.

I wonder how it’s going to work with families that do have a court ordered contact arrangement though as surely breaking that order will cause issues regardless of the reasons.

I also stand by my point about the emotional well-being and mental health of all children who are dealing with so much fear and confusion with what’s happening.
Neither myself or my partner are classed as key workers so it now falls on us to try to ensure 3 out of 4 children are still learning as much as they can, which will be impossible if their mental health isn't also took into consideration.

@AngelofTheSilence

Somebody else has just commented that their SC is still going between two households that both have a key worker in them. I appreciate that the risk is smaller if everyone in both households is isolating but from this thread alone it is clear that that is not the case.

I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. So many people that think they are the only one with an "exception" worth the risk. Most of us have them, but we have to make sacrifices. Equally this is not about responsibilities and sentiments about who "should" be looking after the children. Is that worth other people's lives? Of course it isn't, what is wrong with people's priorities. This is about minimising ALL of our contact and movements as much as is possible, full stop. Not making exceptions because our children might be upset. There are people literally dying alone in hospital beds in quarantine, who aren't able to see any of their family, thanks to people making decisions like this because their situations are apparently more important.

I expect within a couple of weeks things will get far stricter and this choice will be taken out of everyone's hands, but how many more people are going to be infected in the meantime because people cannot fathom the idea that their children getting to see both parents frequently is not currently the most important thing in the world, especially if the households are not isolating.

@Angelofsilence & others - the situation in Italy is a direct result of people having their own take on distancing. Moving between two houses will only be safe & effective if ALL people in both houses stay indoors. Given that we all need wood this is virtually impossible.
For eg. This scenario: I let my kids go to their dad's without the 14 day quarantine & they carry it with no symptoms. They pass it to their dad but he's no symptoms. They don't quarantine for 14 days because they all think they're grand. All three of them go to the supermarket. They shop for 45 minutes. Maybe they haven't washed their hands properly. They all touch the trolley, exh touches the pin pad, one of the kids gets dust in their nose & sneezes. They have now all potentially infected 8 people between them. Maybe one if those people is elderly & they die. Maybe that person will give it to their husband/wife & they die. Maybe someone else who touched their trolley picks it up & passes it on to someone in their family with an underlying condition & they die.
Three people dead because my kids couldn't not see their dad for 14 days!
This is NOT just about us as individuals - it's about minimising the spread & people really need to get over themselves.

@ SofaNearYou
Would you go several months without seeing one of your children?
I understand your point but there are also risks to the mental health of a child.

Also if either house develop symptoms we would obviously adhere to the 14 day isolation guidelines

Completely agree @aSofaNearYou. My stepkids are with their mum for the foreseeable future. Daughter is with us. No going out (other than for walks) and no chopping and changing between houses. It's got to be done.

Can I clarify?

People saying 14 days isolation for everyone in a household where symptoms displayed...

Everything I'm reading says 7 days for the first person displaying symptoms, 14 days for others in the home not showing.

My son has symptoms. We're both in day 3 of isolation.

But my understanding is that his isolation is over in 4 days, mine in 11 (unless I start displaying symptoms.

I've not really discussed with ex, as obviously DS is staying here for now.

But my interpretation is that he can go to his dads in 4 days time.

No?

DS was at his dads when DS2 showed symptoms we decided to have DS stay at his dads until we were self isolation had finished. Then access will continue once we are all ok.

Just to confirm, I'm only checking the guidance, not saying I'll be sending him out as soon as the clock strikes midnight on the 7th day

Thank you @aSofanearyou.

With my DSC, both parents are key workers. We have SC EoW and my husband is adamant they can happily bounce between houses because both parents are likely to "get it at some point".

I'm bordering on being the evil step mum because I'm trying to explain that socially isolating doesn't have a contingency for divorced parents and they should stay at their mums next weekend

Would you go several months without seeing one of your children?
I understand your point but there are also risks to the mental health of a child.

If I were a key worker or the other household had a key worker in it, then I would have them stay in one household at least for the two week period the government asked us to stay at home for, yes, and would stay in touch by video call. If this level of lockdown proved to be more long term after that, then I would look at a much longer term switching arrangement, perhaps a month on month off.

I do think it is highly selfish to have a child chopping and changing between two households that both have key workers in them. If people can't see how much that would contribute to the spread of this disease if everyone in that position did the same then there's no hope for us.

There are risks to the mental health of all of us, that doesn't change the fact that making selfish choices right now is literally costing lives.

@aSofaNearYou
My DSSs mother wont allow that. He lives in a domestic abuse household ( stepfather beat the shit out of his mother less than a year ago).
His safe haven of school has just been removed and now he could possibly lose the safe haven of our home.
You dont know everyone's circumstances so please dont call me selfish.

@Harriett123 in that case the unselfish thing would be for him to stay in just your household, then. I'm sorry he's gone through that but it doesn't change the fact that exposing one key worker to another through the medium of a child is selfish in the circumstances. I didn't call you personally selfish, obviously it's the parents involved that are being selfish.

I'm also not going to be guilted into saying none of this matters because of the odd case where the child would also be at risk staying in one household. It is very obvious that none of the other people here are talking about cases of DV, they are simply saying that their perfectly safe child would miss the other parent too much which in their mind makes it worth risking the spread.

There are plenty of ways for the DC to stay in touch with a parent without physical contact - Skype, FaceTime, Whatsapp, email, online gaming, text messaging, telephone calls. You can do all these things with the GP's too.

Thankyou @Dollyparton3 and @chocolatesaltyballs22, it's a relief to see there are some people with perspective out there, and thanks @Magda72, as ever you have summed it up perfectly.

But if I had any faith in the people of this country to do the right thing and commit to stopping the spread, it is certainly gone after seeing how many people think their personal circumstances mean they are exempt from this.

I’ve asked my DH to have serious talk with DSC as they’re are not best friends with the bathroom (whole other story) and proper, regular hand washing is non-negotiable here.

If I’m honest, I would have preferred not to have anyone here. Not that they move from computer games the whole time anyway (another whole story). Sigh.

Actually, I wish I’d read this thread 24 hours ago so could suggest cancelling the visit.

It scares me some of the people on this thread have bred and passed such stupid genes on