Advise on dealing with stepsons girlfriend

[Rockchic7]

Hiya,

Iooking for a bit of advise on how to deal with stepsons girlfriend situation.

I have lived with my other half and his son for nearly 2 years. For the last six months my stepson who is 23 has been dating a girl who is not very sociable and barely speaks to us which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I know she is shy but she makes absolutely no effort to get to know us or let us get to know her. Since dating her she stops over probably 4nights a week or more and barely leaves his room usually only to go the toilet or leave the house. Not sure why but they do not stop overnight at her home. I know she still hasn’t even met stepsons mom.

We have already had to have a sit down with stepson about 2 months ago and explain that her behaviour is quite rude (he agreed and wasn’t surprised at us saying something to him) as she would come into the house go straight upstairs without even saying hello and would be lucky if she said goodbye the next day when she left after being here nearly 24hrs, some days she’s been here all day and we’ve had no idea she’s in the house. On occasions she has totally blanked me as well which boils my blood. She has been invited to numerous family meals out including my other half’s mothers 80th birthday meal last month and she won’t go, stepson admitted he’s asked her to go to his nans bday meal and she just just sat there a didn’t say a word, I think he felt if he pushed it she would go in a strop about it. I find it very selfish of her as he has gone to family meals and days out with her family.

Since the chat with stepson when they come in at night she does now come into the living room and at least say hello which is an improvement but to be honest she pretty much sits there and doesn’t speak or just stands in the doorway waiting for us to finish speaking to my stepson so she can go upstairs.

I know she’s young and shy but she’s really grating on me and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve spoke to my other half and he finds her very unsocial but it doesn’t seem to bother him, I think he’s just glad his son has found a girlfriend.

Has anyone had a similar situation and any advise on how to not let it bother me so much?

So an atmosphere follows her around maybe? But it's not fair that they come to yours to cause an atmosphere instead.

Good conversation. Hope they stick to it.

Are you and bf feeling more solid now

I've had to put up with my boss not been happy with our relationship and not speaking to me for 6 months

I might have missed it, but why is your boss so invested in your relationship?

Yeah me and bf are good now. Even bf had said it had got to the point where we turned into our grove coming home from work and he was dreading seeing his sons car outside as it meant she was there.

Ireal- my boss is a total tosser mainly. when he found out bout me and bf he thought that it would probably fizzle out and there would be an issue at work. It hasn't and there hasn't been any issues, I think he was pissed off because he hadn't a clue about us and everyone else pretty much guessed lol. He's just a horrible man to work with and tbh there are people at work treated worse than me by him.

but I still dont understand why your boss has the arseache? do you work together?

I'm glad you got it sorted out, OP, and glad you're not buying into the house just now.

I don't think his gf is shy at all. A shy person wouldn't have loud sex in someone else's house, for one thing. And shy people try to make an effort with a smile or a 'thank you' etc, they don't just blatantly ignore other people. If she comes from an unhappy home then you'd think she'd be glad to come to her boyfriend's nicer home and have a break from it.

I would ask your step son how he feels about the fact that she doesn't get on with her - how does he think his life would be with her in the future, without any friends?

My boss is the gm at our place but he does mainly work in the same dept as both me and my bf. No idea why he had such a problem with me and bf being together I got on with him ok before he found out. He's and an extremely poor manager in every way.

I think he felt if he pushed it she would go in a strop about it

This part leaped out at me. I might expect someone who is shy or socially anxious to be apologetic, rather than threaten to strop about being called out

Is he tiptoeing around her for anything else ?

Hollowtalk- ss said if they are out and see her friends (don't think she has many) she hides so they don't see her, I said your not avoiding your friends aswell are you and he said no if they see them he goes over and talks but she will stand there and not say anything. I think unless her behaviour changes they will continue to isolate themselves but that's up to ss it's his life and his choice. I don't see this a healthy relationship for him but only he can decide that.

Finally here - I think the odd things ss had touched on about her being in a strop about things and when I've overheard the odd conversation with them talking makes me think that she's maybe a little immature compared to ss. I think he is possibly her first proper bf.

Just continue to be the basics of polite but I wouldn't put much effort her way when she turns up.

Yeah i know forrestgreen I will put effort in but if i get the same treatment again she can just piss off.

Yep. Just be happy ss seems to be a nice human being, albeit with doubtful taste in gfs

Thank goodness dss is receptive to your points and will support. So is she not coming at all for a while now?

Did you tell dss about the loud bonking?

Yeah bf told him and apparently hadn't a clue we could hear them, find that hard to believe. Especially with Coronavirus going on we've said we don't want her round, it did cross my mind that maybe he might have her round in the day when we're not there but I hope he does stick to what we've asked.

Ten years ago, I stared staying over at my boyfriends house. I would not go into the living room, I would go straight upstairs. Never said hello or goodbye. I had the worst anxiety! My partner told me that his parents had suggested we all have dinner together. I had a full on panic attack, I hate eating in front of people.

I ended up living with them, ten years later. I love them, respect them, idolise them. But I still to this day cannot be my self around them. I still stand there awkwardly, still don’t have much to say. But Ino his parents love me. I’m the type of person that can only be my true self around my partner. Maybe your step sons gf is that type of person.

I doubt she is purposely being rude, if she has started coming in, even standing there awkwardly. She is probably boiling up inside because she doesn’t no what to say o what to do. And the blanking, I do it now still. Sometimes I just don’t no what to say, so pretend I dont hear it. I honestly think my in laws think I’m abit deaf haha

Iheartbellatrixlastrange - I did ask stepson at the start if she suffered from anxiety and he said no (possibly has though). At times I feel sorry for her because if this is genuinely how she behaves with everyone through extreme shyness/ anxiety etc then it can't be pleasant for her, unfortunately though her behaviour does make people feel uncomfortable which isn't fair in your own home. I find it strange that she's too shy to speak to us but isn't too shy to have loud sex in our house!

It made the situation worse because she was here all the time and had practically moved in without my bf or me being asked if it was ok.

This would get right on my nerves. We hosted language students and even shy girls younger than this in a different language managed better than and would come and say hello when they got in bless them

MsTswift- yeah it does grate at times, we have had a slight break from her though because of coronavirus so she hasn't been to the house but it's probably the most we've ever heard her talk as ss has her on the phone all day/night on loud speaker.

How are things, OP? Has she stopped coming round?

MeridianB - as we had the chat with ss just before the lockdown we've not had her round the house for about 2 months or so, I've got to admit it has been really nice not having any awkward atmosphere. Unfortunately we have had to put up with ss on the phone to her on loud speaker full blast all day and night which is grating on us a bit now.

I did overhear them talking and ss did say to her that she's wants to live together and get married yet she hasn't even met his mom, she quickly changed the subject, I'd be very surprised if ss decided to move out and rent anytime soon as he knows how cushy he has it at home.

Well done for securing that space. I can imagine it’s hugely annoying to have their calls broadcast all day. Have you asked him to take them off speaker?

MeridianB - yeah we have had to ask him numerous times to shut his bedroom door, but next day it's exactly the same again. He's a nice lad but isn't very considerate at times, we just don't want to keep getting on at him incase he thinks it's because he's talking to his gf.

We already had a little fall out with him as we'd asked him if one of the days if he would cook dinner for us all as he's at home all day and we were still working. It didn't have to be anything special at all. But on the day he was supposed to make the meal he just sat in his room all day, bf shouted up to him what times dinner and his response was when I'm hungry. Well it got to 6.30 and he clearly had no intention of cooking for us so me and bf ordered a takeaway. I was really pissed off as we do everything for him and he couldn't be bothered to do one simple thing. He did apologise and said he should of made the effort and said he would cook a curry the next day but next day came and he didn't bother again so will not ask him again 🙁.

Wow. Any chance of him being kicked out/moving out soon?

unless his gf puts pressure on him to move out I can't see ss moving out anytime soon as it would mean he has to start paying for everything that he currently gets for free plus he would have to cut back on what he spends on luxury items etc.
He's not a horrible person just inconsiderate and lazy at times.

I think bf turns a blind eye to a lot of things partly because he had similar issues with his middle son who used to stay a few nights a week before I moved in and it didn't end well, bf constantly used to moan to me about his son treating the place like a drop in centre, making a load of mess and then going back to his moms leaving it for him to clean up when he got back from work. His son used to have his gf round to stop as his moms was a tip and they barely spoke to him when they were there. On top of all that his attitude towards my bf was dreadful, it's the reason I never moved in sooner as I just couldn't of lived there with all the arguing going on. One day he came round with his mom and her friend while bf was at work (bf when mental when he found out she'd been in his home) and took all his stuff from his bedroom and they have never spoke to each other since which was about 2 years ago.

Bf doesn't want to end up in the same situation again and lose contact with another son which I do understand.