Advise on dealing with stepsons girlfriend

[Rockchic7]

Hiya,

Iooking for a bit of advise on how to deal with stepsons girlfriend situation.

I have lived with my other half and his son for nearly 2 years. For the last six months my stepson who is 23 has been dating a girl who is not very sociable and barely speaks to us which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I know she is shy but she makes absolutely no effort to get to know us or let us get to know her. Since dating her she stops over probably 4nights a week or more and barely leaves his room usually only to go the toilet or leave the house. Not sure why but they do not stop overnight at her home. I know she still hasn’t even met stepsons mom.

We have already had to have a sit down with stepson about 2 months ago and explain that her behaviour is quite rude (he agreed and wasn’t surprised at us saying something to him) as she would come into the house go straight upstairs without even saying hello and would be lucky if she said goodbye the next day when she left after being here nearly 24hrs, some days she’s been here all day and we’ve had no idea she’s in the house. On occasions she has totally blanked me as well which boils my blood. She has been invited to numerous family meals out including my other half’s mothers 80th birthday meal last month and she won’t go, stepson admitted he’s asked her to go to his nans bday meal and she just just sat there a didn’t say a word, I think he felt if he pushed it she would go in a strop about it. I find it very selfish of her as he has gone to family meals and days out with her family.

Since the chat with stepson when they come in at night she does now come into the living room and at least say hello which is an improvement but to be honest she pretty much sits there and doesn’t speak or just stands in the doorway waiting for us to finish speaking to my stepson so she can go upstairs.

I know she’s young and shy but she’s really grating on me and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve spoke to my other half and he finds her very unsocial but it doesn’t seem to bother him, I think he’s just glad his son has found a girlfriend.

Has anyone had a similar situation and any advise on how to not let it bother me so much?

Yeah I do feel invisible at times, I get the feeling that she maybe a bit of a princess and she's probably used to getting her own way at home.

When we asked ss ages ago why she doesn't come downstairs he said that she doesn't like people seeing her in lounge wear or without make up. Around xmas time my bf sister and niece came round and wanted to meet her so his niece went upstairs and walked in his bedroom to say hello, apparently gf told ss she was absolutely mortified that his cousin had seen her in her pjs and no makeup. I mean ffs she wares minimal makeup and is very plain looking and we all walk round in our pjs.

If he was my child there would be absolutely now way I would allow her to stop over.

Well, remind her that usually people wear pyjamas and go around not fully-dressed or with their hair and makeup done inside their own homes. She appears to be labouring under the delusion that her boyfriend’s bedroom in his father’s house is ‘home’. And you say it’s a fairly new relationship? How early in their time together did she start staying over all the time?

Honestly, why aren’t they both mortified by being well into their twenties and skulking about in a bedroom in a parent’s house and living on takeaways? This only works in adulthood with well-defined boundaries, mutual appreciation and everyone involved, visiting boy or girlfriends included, behaving like adults.

Hmm. Shy or rude but either is unacceptable four nights a week. You can't change her only your response to the situation.
Limit her overnight to xnights
Tell ss you can hear them having sex and it's not acceptable
No food in his room? Most people eat downstairs.

Remember he doesn't pay rent, if he's not happy he could house share, he has the available cash he just spends it on food/clothes.

Tbh I'd have stopped trying with her past a hello now.

My ds's gf was power playing. We told ds we didn't want her in our home if he was at work. Fair enough imo. She started sleeping in so he had to leave for work without her. We told ds we didn't want her here all week - she continued to turn up after getting dropped off - rural - no bus to her village.
She started coming down and 'gatecrashing' our dc - free evenings - despite telling ds we wanted some space.
Ended up having to refuse her entry at all after rudeness and piss taking.
*she told ds she wanted to bake a list of complicated recipes and expected me to pay for the ingredients!
The day she passed her driving test ds realised he had been a mug and dumped her.
It was like she wanted to ds to choose her 'wants 'over my' rules'.
Once our ds (toddler) had ds's phone. Saw naughty pics of her IN MY FUCKING BED! can't imagine that had been ds's idea..
Urgh...

Oh god that would drive me mad. She probably is painfully shy but even so, it takes very little to say a quick hello how are you. I couldn't be made to feel uncomfy like that in my own home. It would piss me off having her stay over so often anyway at that age. But if she's making you feel on edge and being so rude then I think I would probably start enforcing limits on the amount of nights she spends there. Or at least ask them to change their habits while they're there (not eating in bedrooms).

She's not painfully shy at all. Ainfully shy people don't scream the house down during sex in someone else's house. She sounds like a bit of a cow tbh and I wouldn't want that under my roof. 4 nights a week is too much, and she needs to start showing a bit of respect.

i'd also hold off on buying half a house with your bf too.
Cos it sounds to me like he 'prioritizes' his son in a way that isn't actually healthy.

The son is studying part time/working part time - he has no need and no way to afford a car.....yet Daddy Dearest has already loaned him money for a car.....and not said a single word about him blowing the money for insurance on designer gear!
No doubt Daddy will pay for that too when the time comes.

The son is old/mature enough to have a gf, shag and have her stay over and has money to blow on takeaways.......but does he do his share of housework? Cleaning? Washing? Hoovering? He doesn't even pay a nominal amount of 'dig money' despite being an ADULT WITH AN INCOME!

So after he's got his car - paid for by Daddy - and one day gets a full time job...he's still going to carry on living under the same roof?
This time because "he's saving for a deposit"?
A deposit for what - a house and mortgage?
He hasn't learnt to wipe his own arse but they both think he's mature enough for that?

Meanwhile you have to put up with a constant 'housemate' who doesn't pull their weight round the house, is entitled to bring back gf's and mates whenever they want with no regard for you, and there's no clear end date in sight for him moving out.

What happens if whoever he's shagging at the time gets pregnant?
She moves in too?
Or him and his gf decide 'they' are saving for a 'deposit' together - she moves in too to cut her costs?

How about he gets a full time job, moves and rents his own place, learns to pay his own way as an adult and manage work/social life/housekeeping.....or go travel the world, have fun. make the most of being young and 'free' before saddling himself with the debt and responsibility of a mortgage?

Given the way he's blown his savings for car insurance to keep up with the image his gf portrays - wealthy/superficial re designer stuff - i don't see him saving much for a deposit and moving out any time soon.
If he gets a house, he's going to need some pretty good legal advice on how to keep it secure from any gf he moves in with/buys with.....cos he's thinking with his penis rather than his brain.

Monkey, your posts have really cheered me up on a gloomy day. You are right on the money.

OP you are being brilliantly patient. But I think Monkey is right. You are being played. Time to stop and reclaim your home.

Tbh I'm just pissed of with the whole situation.
Me and bf both work at the same place which really isn't in the best of financial health and now with Coronavirus there's a good chance of us at least having our hours cut or the company going under. We just had a chat at lunch which got back to the gf situation and I said again this situation has to be sorted before I buy half the house, I had said this to him the other night so I was quite surprised at his reaction which almost seemed pissed off with me. I told him there's no way he would be happy doing it if it was him and I said I'm sure we can sort this and I will buy into the house but only when it's sorted. He said oh well I've had to make big adjustments for you which he hasn't, it's just I have a very large and messy dog which I love to bits but does make a mess of the kitchen which I know but I can't do anything about other than be on my hands and knees cleaning the kitchen every 5 mins. I've put up with 3 kids who at times have been bloody awkward to be around plus now a rude girlfriend, I've moved away from all my family (I don't drive) so takes me 1.30 travel on the bus to get to see them and I've had to put up with my boss not been happy with our relationship and not speaking to me for 6 months and now I am not invited to any meals out (office of 4 incl bf and I'm the only one not invited) social or work related. I think I've more than done my far share of putting up with shit and don't think I'm wrong to hold back on the house. He said if his hours are cut he can't cover the mortgage so I have to pay rent (currently just pay to cover bills and shopping etc as I'm planning on putting in 100k into the house) which I said I don't mind at all but now there's a really frosty atmosphere between us.

Really appreciate everyone's messages it's really helped me get a lot of my chest

You cant really change things. Ss will eventually move out, taking the gf with him. I wouldn't buy a house with him, if you feel unhappy with the dynamics. But you'll have to pay rent if you're living there. Perhaps buying your own flat might be an idea?

How odd, your bf really hadn't prioritised you in that conversation.

Sorry, your bf and your workmates go out without you????

Work seems shit, bf seems shit. Think I'd sell up, move in with family for a bit and look for a new job

To be fair, if she's staying there that much (and I can only presume she is eating meals there too if, as you say, she's there during the day also) then she should be contributing towards food at least? If not paying an amount in rent?

OP, from your latest post, they don’t sound like a nice family. Or at least, it’s just not working. I wouldn’t be leaping at the opportunity to pay rent to live in this unpleasant atmosphere. Hold off. Think very coolly with your self as your priority.

Forrestgreen - yep boss hit the roof when he found out we were dating. There's 10 people on site and 4 in our sales office, we have suppliers who regularly take our department out for fancy meals and drinks which I'm not invited to and and also come round some days and takes them out to the cafe for a drink and sandwich which I'm never invited despite the fact I'm in sales and sell more of their products than our arsehole of a boss leaving me in the office on my own. Very embarrassing as all I get when they piss off out is other staff asking why I'm never included in anything. Tbh even if I was invited now which won't happen I would never go. Money is pretty good so just keep my head down.

OP, if it really comes down to BF expecting rent from you then surely he needs to review all bills and costs and divide by three (or even four) and you pay a third tops. Surely he wouldn’t expect half each and nothing from his son?

I’m really sorry you are coming off worst in every angle here. You deserve better.

His attitude says it all - i don't think he's the man for you OP.
You're even being bullied and discriminated against at work because of HIM....and still he has no empathy or consideration for your feelings?!!

He said if his hours are cut he can't cover the mortgage so I have to pay rent (currently just pay to cover bills and shopping etc
Fair enough that you pay something towards 'rent' - HOWEVER....there are FOUR adults living under that roof and using the utilities......so why are you paying for the son and his gf's share of groceries/bills?????
They might buy takeaways....but do they buy the handwash/soap. shampoo, washing up powder, washing up liquid, loo roll, coffee/milk/tea etc Do they pay for the internet/Sky tv etc?

How about telling him - you split the monthly mortgage, bills and other expenses between the four ADULTS who use that house?
He won't make his son take responsibility OP....he's going to expect you to put up with paying for that too.

I think i'd make my decision to buy my own place - no man is worth all this stress and hassle.....especially when it affects your working life.
Given the way they are treating you - if cuts need to be made it's clear YOU will be further ahead on that list than your bf.....so if it's YOUR hours/job that is cut, is he going to be happy covering for your share?
I doubt it. He'll expect you to use your savings/house sale money.

Think about your own financial and personal security OP.

You can't trust him nor rely on him.

Yep, he was pissed off with you for DARING to speak and insist on being treated like an EQUAL......he wants you paying your way to take the load off him (expensive hobby mollycoddling his son) but not to have the authority that goes with it.
If you bought into HIS house, you still wouldn't have an equal say or hold the same 'veto' powers....it will always be HIS and HIS SON'S house....you just the being the 'extra' who joined their group and are expected to cover the expenses HE WANTS you to cover.

I grew up watching this kind of shit happen in my own family and others......i swore i would never get caught up in the same.
At 40, i am now happily living on my own and thanking fuck I stuck to my guns when it comes to being treated fair and as equal as possible.
I don't have your patience or tolerance OP.....i'd have been asking about the division of costs and housework BEFORE I moved in.....which i kinda did once.
I asked if the Council Tax and bills (utilities, internet, tv packages etc) were going to be split between the 3 of us working adults.....i was gobsmacked he was shocked!
I'd rather 75% council tax (my 25% single discount) and 100% of bills and enjoy being in my own home, than pay 50% of those costs and forever be treated like an outsider in someone else's house.

What a fucked up situation.

Rude GF
Freeloading SS
Spineless BF
Boss who blames you for something that ain't his business...

Get out. Rent somewhere while looking to buy. Look for a new job.

Imagine how serene your life could be without all this drama.

Maybe they will each have to self isolate in own homes soon and that will solve your problem for a while. They are waiters so the restaurants will close surely.

Not if they self isolate together at op's

Well me and bf talked it through and I'm not gonna buy into the house, if thing change in the future then maybe. Got home and ss and gf were here, bf spoke to ss and told him she had to leave, when he got back bf had a chat with him and explained how we were feeling and he totally agreed with us about gf behaviour and has been told we need a break from her for a while. The 3 of us are gonna sit down tomorrow night and talk it through properly, I haven't the mental energy for it tonight.

That sounds positive. Maybe have a film/games night just the three of you. You need a positive change

How did things, go, Rockchic?
Hope things are looking brighter.

Meridians - sat down and explained how we were feeling and ss said he wasn't aware that her behaviour was making us feel this way but totally understood and doesn't was to cause issues between me and bf but did say she is like this with everyone. He said she doesn't have an issue with me but is extremely shy and said that she doesn't talk much even in her own home.

Bf explained that we needed a break from her and if he was allowed then ss should spend nights at hers as well. Still not really sure if ss is allowed to stop but he did explain that there's a lot of tension in her house and he feels like everyone's always on the verge of an argument. She lives with her dad and step mom plus younger siblings so not sure really if she's got the happiest home life so may be a reason she's been at ours so much. We agreed that after a break we would consider allowing her to stop but a maximum of 2 nights a week.

I think once things have all settled down especially with Coronavirus we can maybe think about organising a day out, where she can be around us but it's not too much of a close encounter so we can try and at least start to all get on a little and take it in little steps. I said to bf I'm willing to put the effort in but I think we're both aware we're never really going to get much back off her.