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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Advise on dealing with stepsons girlfriend

130 replies

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 15:17

Hiya,

Iooking for a bit of advise on how to deal with stepsons girlfriend situation.

I have lived with my other half and his son for nearly 2 years. For the last six months my stepson who is 23 has been dating a girl who is not very sociable and barely speaks to us which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I know she is shy but she makes absolutely no effort to get to know us or let us get to know her. Since dating her she stops over probably 4nights a week or more and barely leaves his room usually only to go the toilet or leave the house. Not sure why but they do not stop overnight at her home. I know she still hasn’t even met stepsons mom.

We have already had to have a sit down with stepson about 2 months ago and explain that her behaviour is quite rude (he agreed and wasn’t surprised at us saying something to him) as she would come into the house go straight upstairs without even saying hello and would be lucky if she said goodbye the next day when she left after being here nearly 24hrs, some days she’s been here all day and we’ve had no idea she’s in the house. On occasions she has totally blanked me as well which boils my blood. She has been invited to numerous family meals out including my other half’s mothers 80th birthday meal last month and she won’t go, stepson admitted he’s asked her to go to his nans bday meal and she just just sat there a didn’t say a word, I think he felt if he pushed it she would go in a strop about it. I find it very selfish of her as he has gone to family meals and days out with her family.

Since the chat with stepson when they come in at night she does now come into the living room and at least say hello which is an improvement but to be honest she pretty much sits there and doesn’t speak or just stands in the doorway waiting for us to finish speaking to my stepson so she can go upstairs.

I know she’s young and shy but she’s really grating on me and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve spoke to my other half and he finds her very unsocial but it doesn’t seem to bother him, I think he’s just glad his son has found a girlfriend.

Has anyone had a similar situation and any advise on how to not let it bother me so much?

OP posts:

HugoSpritz · 14/03/2020 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Windyatthebeach · 14/03/2020 15:21

Yabu to try and micro manage your dss's relationship...
I do understand how rudeness grates - ds once had a similar gf. She made herself a coffee - (ds at work) - in front of my dh- then as he was doing the dishes, handed him her cup to wash!! Ds realised in time she wasn't going to fit into our family and Ltb...

KatherineJaneway · 14/03/2020 15:23

She's very rude. She's in your house a lot so at least could be more than civil.

baubled · 14/03/2020 15:25

Aw she's coming across as rude but she sounds painfully shy and just doesn't have a clue what to say, she could also be picking up on your annoyance which will only make her worse.

I was so shy and uncomfortable around my exes mum, it was awful and I'm sure they thought I was really rude too. Is there a big difference in upbringing (for example is your DSS from a high earning family and she's from a low income family?)

Lllot5 · 14/03/2020 15:30

I think it’s rude. I’m sure you don’t expect her to be a dazzling raconteur but to just say hello and goodbye is rude.

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 15:49

Thanks for the responses

Me and the other half are more than pleasant to her and have welcomed her into our home,I’m pretty sure she hasn’t a clue just how rude she is coming across and maybe in time she will actually speak to properly us but in the meantime it’s an extremely uncomfortable situation.

OP posts:

Svrjxtsvdjtot · 14/03/2020 15:56

A perspective from the other side might help a little - I was a bit like this with my other half's parents when we were first together. It wasn't intended as an insult in any way, from my perspective I was very shy and it felt incredibly awkward having no common ground to easily talk about. I also felt quite intimidated to be in their home and to feel in the way and out of place (though they were never anything but welcoming!). It gets better over time, especially if you can find a topic of common interest. Try not to take it personally. It's also likely she is picking up on your frustrations, even if you are trying to hide them, which makes it all 100 times more awkward. It does get easier for everyone over time!

user1493413286 · 14/03/2020 15:56

I think by 23 that’s just rude; I had to read your post back as I was imagining she was 16 and thinking she was just shy but surely by her age she’s got a job or studies where she has to communicate with other adults and be polite.

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 16:00

baubled - she comes from big family in a relatively posh area and we come from an average area so as far as I’m aware there’s no massive social difference between the families.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 16:10

Thanks for the replies especially from point of view of the people who have been the shy girlfriend 😊. Hopefully things will get better over time.

OP posts:

WestCountryLady · 14/03/2020 16:34

My mil was like you, she used to demand I went in and spoke to her before going upstairs, usually meant answering 101 awkward questions that were none of her business, I felt so uncomfortable.

Maybe your coming across as overbearing.

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 16:47

Thanks West Country lady but I don’t demand she come and sits with us every time she come here but I expect someone who’s practically living with us to show some respect and say hello every now and again especially when someone actually says hello to her. We deliberately don’t ask many questions and try to keep to general chat as we don’t want her to feel uncomfortable hence we practically know nothing about her.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2020 20:49

The way you phrase things is, "practically living here" etc, gives me the impression it irritates you because you resent the liberties your SS is taking whilst living with you (such as the amount she stays over). I don't think that's necessarily wrong but you need to be honest about it and discuss it with your DH. If you were genuinely perfectly comfortable with him living there and having a girlfriend over a lot (not contributing?), I don't think it would bother you this much that she doesn't chat to you much, especially since you acknowledge you know she is shy.

sassbott · 14/03/2020 22:54

I’m curious. He says he’s been to meals with her family. What’s she like when out with her family? Is she still just as quiet? And what does your SS say she is like when it is just them alone? Or out with friends?

I have to say if someone was in my house and acting like this, I wouldn’t think it acceptable either. Some of my DC’s friends are painfully shy but even they manage a polite hello, how are you. Thank you for having me. Goodbye.

It’s hardly rocket science is it?

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 22:57

asofanearyou- i said she’s practically living here because she can spend up to 4 nights here and can be here as well in the day when she doesn’t stop over so she is here a lot, thats me stating a fact not me saying ss is taking liberties. I don’t have an issue with ss living with us at all he’s a nice lad, both me and the other half were really pleased when he said he’d met somebody and although we don’t have a good relationship with her we can see he clearly is enjoying being in a relationship and at the end of the day it’s up to him who he dates. As I stated we’re well aware she’s shy hence why we have tiptoed around her for 6 months which to be honest I don’t think a lot of people would of. It grates on me because we have a guest in our house who although most of her behaviour can be blamed on her being shy there is also definitely an element of deliberate rudeness to her behaviour and she been like it since day one.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2020 23:01

Is she still staying over 4 days a week? Has he asked if that’s okay with you both and is he paying rent?

She sounds crippled with shyness, but blanking you is extremely rude so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt

She’s practically moved in with you (does she have a key?!) so you’re not at all wrong to want to get to know her a bit. Your SS is a fully formed adult and we’re not talking about awkward teens but two people who should at least be acting like grown ups. Not even knowing who’s in my house at any one time would put me on edge constantly, I’d hate it.

WestCountryLady · 14/03/2020 23:11

Do you think it's purely shyness?
After that amount of time I wonder if it's a social anxiety?
Especially as you said she didn't speak at all when out for his Nans birthday meal.

I think you can only be patient and see if she comes out of her shell slowly in time, too much pressure may be overwhelming if it's anxiety.
At lest if ss has a chat with her he can find out how she feels.

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 14/03/2020 23:19

Sassbott- we don’t ask ss too many questions bout his gf but as far as I’m aware she not the life and sole of the party but she’s not quiet either. I know he did tell us she doesn’t have many friends because she has fallen out with most of the due to the way she is. Today she actually came downstairs during the day which she has never done before and she was chatting and laughing away with ss and being quite noisy but as soon as me and my bf came in and sat down she shut up and apart from about 2 words to ss she sat there for an hour without speaking to us at all and when both me and my bf went in the kitchen to sort something she went straight upstairs. It’s really uncomfortable.

OP posts:

RossPoldarksChest · 14/03/2020 23:20

As someone with crippling social anxiety, I've been that girlfriend.

I'm over a decade older than her but am still very similar to what you describe.

I've reluctantly walked away from relationships when I was younger, because I couldn't deal with the family pushing me to interact.

If it bothers you both this much, request he gets his own place so it's not a bother to you, and she will also no doubt feel 100% better for it too.

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 14/03/2020 23:33

I think the problem is the understanding of what’s expected
What does your partner think? You moved in with a man and his adult son. Maybe the dynamics of that one were more along the lines of equal respect you’re an adult now, as you will. And so he has his guest who isn’t unpleasant but just keeps out your way.

You need to stop micromanaging imo. Discuss with your partner but realise you too came as an extra into their family home of 2.

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 15/03/2020 00:18

Annelovesgilbert - yes she still stays about 4 nights a week. Ss did ask my bf if she could stop over initially and pretty much straight away she was staying at least 2 or 3 nights a week. Ss doesn’t pay rent, he works part time and is part time uni, my bf told him when he gets a proper job after uni he will have to start paying rent. She doesn’t have a key and as she only comes round with him, I wouldn’t agree to her moving in.

Westcountrylady - I did wonder if she has social anxiety and did ask ss but he said she doesn’t. She didn’t actually go the his nans bday meal he asked her to come and she just went silent didn’t even say no just acted like he hadn’t said anything. She’s only ever come for one meal with ss me and my bf and she barely spoke and when we got the bill she just sat there didn’t offer to pay for herself and when bf did pay she didn’t even say thanks, even if she had offered bf wouldn’t have let her pay but to just go for a meal and expect to be paid for by someone you don’t know and not even say thanks is just bad manners.

it’s got to the point I dread her coming round.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rockchic7 · 15/03/2020 00:35

Not trying to micro manage anything just expect some respect for a guest. I moved in with my bf and his son moved in some time after, ss didn’t like living with his mother so moved in with us. Bf and ss both agree her behaviour isn’t great. I think bf lets it slide and doesn’t kick up a fuss as he had some issues with his other son which has ended up in them not speaking for over 3 years so totally understand why he’s ignoring the situation even though he knows how uncomfortable I feel.

He’s only on low part time wages so can’t afford his own place.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2020 00:42

I'd be damned before I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own home by some rude, freeloading young woman. Your SS needs to move out and take his girlfriend with him.

Cakelover1 · 15/03/2020 00:42

Just a thought, maybe your ss is telling his gf you find her awkward and rude which makes it more awkward for her?

nsav · 15/03/2020 01:06

Does she eat at your house?

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