Advise on dealing with stepsons girlfriend

[Rockchic7]

Hiya,

Iooking for a bit of advise on how to deal with stepsons girlfriend situation.

I have lived with my other half and his son for nearly 2 years. For the last six months my stepson who is 23 has been dating a girl who is not very sociable and barely speaks to us which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I know she is shy but she makes absolutely no effort to get to know us or let us get to know her. Since dating her she stops over probably 4nights a week or more and barely leaves his room usually only to go the toilet or leave the house. Not sure why but they do not stop overnight at her home. I know she still hasn’t even met stepsons mom.

We have already had to have a sit down with stepson about 2 months ago and explain that her behaviour is quite rude (he agreed and wasn’t surprised at us saying something to him) as she would come into the house go straight upstairs without even saying hello and would be lucky if she said goodbye the next day when she left after being here nearly 24hrs, some days she’s been here all day and we’ve had no idea she’s in the house. On occasions she has totally blanked me as well which boils my blood. She has been invited to numerous family meals out including my other half’s mothers 80th birthday meal last month and she won’t go, stepson admitted he’s asked her to go to his nans bday meal and she just just sat there a didn’t say a word, I think he felt if he pushed it she would go in a strop about it. I find it very selfish of her as he has gone to family meals and days out with her family.

Since the chat with stepson when they come in at night she does now come into the living room and at least say hello which is an improvement but to be honest she pretty much sits there and doesn’t speak or just stands in the doorway waiting for us to finish speaking to my stepson so she can go upstairs.

I know she’s young and shy but she’s really grating on me and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve spoke to my other half and he finds her very unsocial but it doesn’t seem to bother him, I think he’s just glad his son has found a girlfriend.

Has anyone had a similar situation and any advise on how to not let it bother me so much?

Cakelover1- when ss had a word with her about not saying hello etc I think he did tell her there’s been occasions I’ve not even known she’s been in the house so maybe she has an issue now with me, I know he didn’t tell her we think she’s rude.

She does eat at our house but not any of our food. Ss is too lazy to cook himself anything and gf doesn’t cook either so every meal they eat is a takeaway, they both work as waiters so either get food from work or if their at home they go out at get a takeaway/or go for a meal out. It’s a big waste of their money and not very healthy but that’s their choice. I think the last meal ss ate with us was xmas dinner.

Do they eat in his bedroom?

Shy or not, I agree you don’t come into someone’s house and hide away/have no social interaction at this age. Especially as she is there so much and so often. If she is a waitress then she surely can’t be crippling shy as presumably she has to speak to strangers the whole time.

Does SS have plans to move out at any stage?

Yes they eat most meals in his bedroom and his bedroom is just full of junk food snacks and drinks etc. I think maybe they have bought takeaway and eaten together in the living room once or twice but that’s probably it. I did say to ss if she can talk to complete strangers at work how come she can’t really talk to us? He didn’t have an answer to that. I think ss would like his own place but how long that will take god only knows. I think he would like buy and he’s entered one of these schemes to build up a deposit but if I’m honest I don’t think he’s put anything in it. I know he was good at saving money before for car insurance etc but since gf he tends to blow his money on designer clothes and eating out etc. He had pretty much saved up a whole years car insurance but they went to one of these designer clothes outlets and blew it all so is having to pay it monthly so until he gets a decent job I doubt he will even start saving.

Wow. Eating endless takeaways in a bedroom is gross.

If he was your own son, I am sure you would be wondering how he will ever stand on his own two feet if he still lives like a teenager at the age of 23. Does your DH consider this too or is he happy for his son to live like this with you indefinitely?

When she comes in to say hello now, can you ask her questions? How was your day & her name so stepson doesn’t answer, generally entice her into talking, then suggest she has a meal with you and find out what food she likes

She's a rude little madam.

And those saying she is just painfully shy and you need to give her a break are talking bollocks. Shyness isn't an excuse for rudeness.

She wasn't painfully shy when she found a new boyfriend and shagged him, was she?
She works as a waitress so has to speak to people all day every day at work and doesn't spontaneously combust when doing it so she can damn well manage a polite conversation with you two if she tried.

Pig ignorant.

It is gross and super unhealthy. I have no idea what they ate Friday night but when we got home from work the whole of the upstairs stank. I’m sure deep down all this behaviour annoys bf but he says it doesn’t bother him much, before I moved in his middle son used to stay half the week at his house and did exactly the same had girlfriend round and they wouldn’t really speak to him, son would make them food and make a mess of the kitchen and just leave it for bf to clear up then go home to his moms and bf used to go mad about it, they had a massive argument and unfortunately they’ve not spoke since so I know he doesn’t see this as acceptable but he just seems to accept anything eldest son does. Bf does say stuff to him about eventually getting his own place so I don’t think bf intends him to live here forever I think he just wants to support him through uni.

I think she’s being rude, and somehow needs to realise this. She obviously doesn’t want to interact with you (perhaps ok in itself if she’s shy etc) but still feels entitled to spend over half of the week in your house. I don’t know how I’d handle this exactly, but like you I would be very irritated by it.

When she does come in the room we don’t ask her anything too personal but most of her answers are yeah or no and she can’t hold a conversation very well, i know she’s a picky eater as well so I doubt she would eat with us and to be honest until she shows us some respect I ain’t gonna cook her a meal. I do suspect they wouldn’t be able to get away with this behaviour at her house and get the feeling ss is not allowed to stop the night at hers hence why they are always at ours. Even worse lately is the noise at night when their having sex, i don’t sleep well so have to wear ear plugs but guaranteed if your awake at say 2 or 3 in the morning all you can here is them at it, it’s so cringe. If I’m downstairs in the night I still have to have my earplugs in.

I agree with pp I don’t think it’s shyness, it’s just rude and ignorant. Has he got friends he still sees or is his life just the two of them?

Manners cost nothing do they...

My brothers IL's are the strangest fucking family ever. They totally blank other ppl, don't say hello and ignore ppl when they say it to them. It's such bizarre behaviour.

It's been incredibly awkward when my brother/SIL have had parties for the kids and obvs as shared nephews both families have gone along... well these IL's have actually taken all the chairs and sat in a closed Circle, all facing each other while us and DB/SIL friends all stand on the outside - talking! Shock horror.

They don't even get that their behaviour is not
Normal.

If someone was in my house I'd expect them to be polite and actually make their presence known. Anyone... no matter what upbringing etc surely must know that's the normal thing to do

He does have friends but I think he doesn’t see them much now but still keeps in touch.

If she's aware you can hear her having sex, then I do think it could still be shyness/social awkwardness. That's a much more embarrassing scenario to be in than waitressing. The other thing I wonder is if she has some kind of "you're not his parent" issue with you, since it sounds like a lot of the questions/discussions with SS about it are coming from you. It's either one of those or she is just incredibly sheltered and entitled.

I think the reality is just that this situation isn't working for the family. You say you don't have a problem with it but frankly, I would have a problem with someone having takeaways in their bedroom that stank out the house, kept me up at night with loud sex noises (or any noises), and generally made everyone feel awkward. The more you update the more it sounds like you don't like it, and the more it sounds like you shouldn't.

You and your OH need to just say you don't want her staying over so often, rather than keep trying to get blood out of a stone and feeling annoyed about it.

Get your partner to speak to his DS, the loud sex is out of order and if it continues she won’t be able to stay. She sounds like she has zero respect for you or your house.

She sounds very social anxious. She is probably very aware which will make it worse as she feels the pressure. Could you arrange an activity that has less onus on talking. Such as a cards night, mini golf, bowling, board game, gardening, or something else where she gets a chance to relax in your company without the pressure.

Shyness isn't an excuse for rudeness. People can manage a little social awkwardness, but manners cost nothing. You don't move into someone's house over half the week, spend most of your time in one room and barely acknowledge the people whose house you've moved into.

I don't understand why when people are rude some on here instantly jump to ASD/dementia/social anxiety depending on the age and sex of the rude person. Some people are just rude.

I don’t think they aren’t aware we’ve heard them having sex as it tends to be the middle of the night so they probably think we’re asleep. Most questions to ss and his gf come from my bf not me I’m not a nosey person and don’t feel like we need to be best buddies but would like to be on friendly terms with her but will settle for being civil at least. We’ve suggested to step son maybe we get a takeaway and watch a film, that way she could be in the room and there’s stuff going on and she doesn’t feel under any pressure to make conversation to try and get her used to being in a room with both of us but it’s never happened.

The reason I said that was because I’m kind of in the same situation, around the same age group (slightly older).
When my partner and her parents argue while I’m not there, they say some terribly nasty things about me and I’m brought up in every argument.
This obviously gets back to me.

I used to get along with them well, was always polite and respectful until I started to see what their really like. If I’m being honest I don’t give them the time of day now I’ll say hello and that’s it.

So I’d be curious as to what ss is telling her

Yeh, I was that girl when I was young. I was terrified of my boyfs mum not liking me so I just didn’t say anything at all. It’s rude but not from a bad place! Give it time!

They're 23. It sounds like it's time for them to get their own place, to do what they like in. It's not a flat share, it's the family home. I'd be hacked off too and not tolerate it.

What an unusual situation. It doesn't sound as though the girl is actively being rude but is paralysed by shyness which comes over as indifference. You say she comes in and goes to your stepson's room, does she have a key to your home? It's strange that sometimes she is in your house all day and you don't know so presumably doesn't eat much! What about going out and mixing with friends - that is probably a 'no no' too.

It can't be a particularly satisfying relationship for your stepson if he is a 'usual' sort of bloke with mates but I suppose that's up to him.

I don't think there is much you can do about it, frankly except remain open to any efforts made by her in the future - if they happen. At least she is no bother :-). It would probably worry me too though, if someone is constantly in your house you do need to know at least a bit about them.

Hopefully your stepson will eventually move out, even people on low wages manage to do that somehow, and then you'll no longer have to worry, also the relationship is still relatively new and may not last. It could be suggested in a roundabout way that sharing a house with others can be fun! A lot of couples their age do that (I'd have hated it but it's not about me), it would be far more healthy than them just using stepson's bedroom at yours.

I wonder if she sees the arrangement as her boyfriend renting a bedsitting room with shared facilities which just happens to be in a parent's house, that's a thought.

You can put your foot down about them leaving food debris around in his room and causing a stink, that's just plain inconsiderate. You wouldn't put up with it from your own children.

Good luck.

Me and my bf have only had 1 real argument over the gf which was what prompted the chat with the ss and neither the gf or ss knew about it. we obviously talk about the situation between us but not infront of ss. When we had the chat the ss said he said he would speak to her but wasn’t going to say exactly what we’d said to avoid upsetting her and he’s really not the sort of person who would run and tell her anything we’ve said. Despite her behaviour we have tried our best to accommodate her.

Lynda07- she doesn’t have a key she only comes in the house with ss. She doesn’t drive so ss has to go and pick her up and bring her to our house. They only eat takeaways and snack food so don’t come down for food from the kitchen. She doesn’t have many friends as step son said she has fallen out with most of them. Ss has lived away at uni in a house share but I think he is planning to start saving for a deposit for his own flat/house.

Oh golly, this gets worse.

Sit down with SS, tell him there is another person living in your house like a hermit and you are being kept awake by them having sex. Try to find a way to help him/them move out. They are too old to being behaving like this.