Advise on dealing with stepsons girlfriend

[Rockchic7]

Hiya,

Iooking for a bit of advise on how to deal with stepsons girlfriend situation.

I have lived with my other half and his son for nearly 2 years. For the last six months my stepson who is 23 has been dating a girl who is not very sociable and barely speaks to us which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I know she is shy but she makes absolutely no effort to get to know us or let us get to know her. Since dating her she stops over probably 4nights a week or more and barely leaves his room usually only to go the toilet or leave the house. Not sure why but they do not stop overnight at her home. I know she still hasn’t even met stepsons mom.

We have already had to have a sit down with stepson about 2 months ago and explain that her behaviour is quite rude (he agreed and wasn’t surprised at us saying something to him) as she would come into the house go straight upstairs without even saying hello and would be lucky if she said goodbye the next day when she left after being here nearly 24hrs, some days she’s been here all day and we’ve had no idea she’s in the house. On occasions she has totally blanked me as well which boils my blood. She has been invited to numerous family meals out including my other half’s mothers 80th birthday meal last month and she won’t go, stepson admitted he’s asked her to go to his nans bday meal and she just just sat there a didn’t say a word, I think he felt if he pushed it she would go in a strop about it. I find it very selfish of her as he has gone to family meals and days out with her family.

Since the chat with stepson when they come in at night she does now come into the living room and at least say hello which is an improvement but to be honest she pretty much sits there and doesn’t speak or just stands in the doorway waiting for us to finish speaking to my stepson so she can go upstairs.

I know she’s young and shy but she’s really grating on me and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve spoke to my other half and he finds her very unsocial but it doesn’t seem to bother him, I think he’s just glad his son has found a girlfriend.

Has anyone had a similar situation and any advise on how to not let it bother me so much?

RockChick, he'll be saving for a long time on a waiter's pay. Can you stand it I wonder? Neither he nor his girlfriend are being reasonable and she is seriously odd, whether she can help being so or not.

They must learn to respect your household or else move out.

He's currently working as a waiter part time while at university doing his masters which he will complete this year. As soon as he's got his masters he will start looking for a full time job with much better pay so he will be able to pay us rent and start saving for a deposit.
I think he sees how his mom and brother live which to be honest isn't great and it really makes him want to make something of himself. I know he doesn't pay us rent but if us supporting him till then gives him an opportunity to really make something of himself then it's a small sacrifice.

She seriously is a strange one

Since dating her she stops over probably 4nights a week or more
He's also blown his savings for a car on designer shite since he met her....she doesn't even have enough respect for HIM to give him a verbal answer when he invites her to his grans....
she is BEYOND rude! she sounds like a passive aggressive, manipulative, entitled little madam!

Maybe her parents brought her up to be like that and she's used to just 'taking' from people.....but is that how you and your BF want his son to turn out like?

He's a young lad and thinking with his dick - he obviously can't see the toxicity.
Personally, i'd be putting an end to the constant staying over. She'd be allowed to stay ONE night only during the week and i'd expect DSS to go stay at hers too.

Food in the bedroom - that would be stopping too. Is the room even clean?

She's got the bank of mum and dad to fall back on and so doesn't think twice about spending money on shite or having your DSS spend his on her.....she doesn't care about imposing on others cos she knows how to manipulate boys/others into getting her own way.....i guarantee if she was pulled up on her behaviour she would play 'victim'.

Definitely since meeting her he's changed the way he dresses etc which to be honest he lived in trackie bottoms before so it is an improvement but everything he wears now has to be big brand names. The savings he's blown we're for his insurance as he wanted to pay it off in one lump sum, he has a loan with my bf to pay for his car. As far as I'm aware he only bought things for himself and not her hopefully.

Its a shame because I know his gran really wanted to meet her, especially when she had been out for a late Christmas meal in January just a couple of weeks before his nans bday with approx 15 work colleagues so she can clearly socialise when it suits her.

His rooms pretty tidy but always full of junk food.

I'm not sure how my bf would react if I suggested cutting the amount of time she stopped here.

Doesn’t sound like gran is missing much. But seriously, the girlfriend is doing him no favours. What do you think about the idea from the PP who suggested just one sleepover a week and no food in bedroom?

It sounds like he knows what’s right and wrong and needs the courage to make the changes.

You have my sympathies. This is a horrible situation to have to live in . It is your home and any guests should behave respectfully. I can only imagine the sort of dread this is bringing to you . Unfortunately this boy has to see this GF for what she is - currently they are using your home as unpaid lodgings . Shy ? My backside - my SD is a very shy teen but always says please, thank you for dinner and interacts with us .

Even if she is shy there’s no excuse for rudeness, I’d reduce the amount of time she’s allowed in your home

Bf and I had a chat last night and both agreed this can't carry on.

He said he is not happy at the amount of nights she is stopping and feels son is taking the piss, he is going to limit it to 2 nights a weeks. I did say I think they need to start stopping at hers aswell as I think this is only fair.

I've noticed for a long time that she barely speaks when I'm in the living room. when her and ss came in last night I was upstairs I could hear them chatting loudly to bf and decided to go down, she did say hello but it felt forced and she hardly spoke at all. I get she may be picking up on my recent frustrations but this has been going on for many months and before we had chat with ss. She clearly has a issue with me but I'm really not sure what the hell it is. it makes me feel so awkward and unwelcome that I'm close to the point of moving out.

I'm currently selling my house so that I can buy half my bf house but I've told him I'm not comfortable with this if this situation is not sorted.

Bf is also not happy re the loud sex and is going to tell son they need to at least try and make an effort to keep it down, I don't for one minute believe she would behave like that in her own home and makes me feel this is why they stop at our house. We are in no way prudes but I don't want to have to listen to that.

I'm very aware this could massively kick of and upset ss and gf and bf has said he is not prepared to lose another son which now makes me feel this could end our relationship so feel like absolute shit now.

I said I am more than prepared to put her behaviour behind us and make a real effort to start again for the sake of everyone but I'm not gonna bend over backwards for someone if they don't make any effort. I said to bf that she has to be made aware that her behaviour isn't on and the impact it has on other people, ss has to stop pussyfooting round her and have a frank conversation with her. yes she's shy but she can't come to someone's home and behave the way she does and expect people to be happy.

Bit of a long shot but could you not just say

"excuse me can I have a word? I've noticed you seem a bit off towards me is something the matter?

And then keep eye contact until you get a response.

Thanks west country lady I never see her on her own so I think me pulling her off to one side or out of a room while she's in a room with other people would make her feel even more uncomfortable. She never makes eye contact with me either. Last nite the whole time I was in the room she sat there staring at her lap playing with he phone and didn't join in any conversation.

I mean it's not really your business is it? It's annoying and my DBros girlfriend was like that for ages.

But it's his relationship not yours. And it was your SSs house before it was yours. So just stop making any effort. Hopefully he'll soon get bored of the sullen dormouse

Corianderlord- I think it is my business who's in my home especially when there behaviour is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere.

I really don't care if he wants to date her that's totally up to him, he's an adult and good or bad that's his choice. The reason we have held back saying stuff to ss is because we know he really likes her and we don't want to cause an issue between them.

I mean it's not really your business is it?
Of course it is
Nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home due to the actions of a visitor who has essentially moved in for over half the week.

You’re right about not buying half the house while this is going on.

I would be really unhappy and want to make changes if my parents thought my partner was rude and I’d be mortified if they could hear us having sex!! What is wrong with the pair of them that they think this is all normal and acceptable?

Good that your BF is on board but he will need to mean it about the 2 nights a week or it will just drift back to four.

I really feel for you OP.

Yeah bf was gonna try and have a sit down with him tonight and explain how we feel, we were hoping gf wasn't going to be round tonight as she's been here at least 4 maybe 5 days on the trot but they both arrived home not long ago so not gonna happen tonight.
Last night was dreadful me and bf went to bed and were talking about stuff but within minutes all we could hear was the gf while they were having sex, we gave up trying to talk in the end just put out ear plugs in. She must be aware we can hear her.

If she was that shy she would be aware re sex!

Also, if she's fine chatting to your boyfriend and only goes quiet when you come in the room, then I wouldn't be cutting her slack for being shy, it's just plain rude and she's clearly got some kind of issue with you.

I'm glad your OH is backing you on it and limiting how much she stays. Your DSS must know what her problem is!

is your SS not at home studying some parts of the day on his own? If not can your BF call him and speak or say - we need a chat tonight so please can X stay at hers tonight?

The rudeness and bedroom takeaways have to stop but more than anything I would go nuts if I had to listen to someone else’s loud shagging all week, to the extent I could t even talk to my other half.

To be honest I’d think about moving out. ☹️

I don't think she is shy I think its a power play. Talking to your DP and not you is manipulative and designed to put you in a lesser status. The loud sex is about dominating the space.

This needs to stop. Your DP needs to talk to his son sooner rather than later and I would be having a family meeting when she next comes round so its out in the open. You and your DP need to stand together on this and he needs to back you in front of them so its clear disrespecting you will not be tolerated by him.

If they can't do this then its time for DSS to move out.

If she were that shy, she wouldn’t be coming over at all, surely? I mean, I think it would take a total brass neck to keep arriving at my adult boyfriend’s house four nights a week, ignoring his dad and sm, and going straight upstairs to eat junk and have loud sex?

She does sound as if she has the social awareness of a toilet roll tube.

Tbh I'm really not sure how much studying he's actually doing at the moment, I just hope that he's not wasting this opportunity by allowing himself to be distracted.
Ss and gf work together so pretty much they are joined at the hip, especially at the moment as shifts have been cut because of the lack of customers so they have a lot of free time together which they seem to be spending it all at our house. Her parents must hardly see her.

Bf will have to have ask him to come home without her or if she's here take her home.

I'm not gonna pull out of selling my house as with everything going on with Coronavirus if I decided to put it back on the market in a few months time there's a good chance it won't sell or prices may drop and I really do want rid of that house, but I won't buy half of bf house with this all going on and he knows that. If we can't sort this I'd have no choice but to move out and buy somewhere else on my own. It's really sad to think like this as both me and bf have been so excited planning our future together as me buying into his house means we're living mortgage free and really enjoying ourselves.

She really needs to go. I wouldn’t even allow her 2 nights a week. She’s 23, not some spotty teen. She’s being rude because she doesn’t like you, OP, for whatever reason.

I don't think she is shy I think its a power play. Talking to your DP and not you is manipulative and designed to put you in a lesser status. The loud sex is about dominating the space.
^ this
The reason they are at your partner’s house is she knows she wouldn’t get away with behaving like this in hers. She sounds controlling.

I agree completely that she comes to yours and behaves as she does because she thinks she can get away with it. Shy my ass. I hate that as an excuse for people like this. Four-five nights a week and loud sex. FFS. She's acting like you are invisible.

^I don't think she is shy I think its a power play. Talking to your DP and not you is manipulative and designed to put you in a lesser status. The loud sex is about dominating the space^

This!
I've seen similar behaviour in the past - and that girl was from a working class background but spoilt rotten by her parents.

You are the only other woman in the house - and SHE wants to be Top Dog.....right now she is. Walking in and out as and when she pleases, doing as she pleases, not having to pick up/clean after herself or even contribute something towards the bills seeing as she's 'living' at yours 4-5 days a week.
Not a single person has 'dared' to speak to her about her pisstaking yet......tell me how on earth that happens?
One tactic girls like her use is emotional manipulation - and she knows EXACTLY what she's doing.
She's creating the IDEA that it's difficult to talk to her...she's making you and your BF second guess YOURSELVES before even thinking about approaching her.

The quiet, shy, butter wouldn't melt facade is just an act.
It's designed to manipulate others into thinking that she's fragile and that YOU must think twice/three times before 'upsetting' her.....cos that's exactly the act she's going to put on when pulled up by either of you.

The loud sex...yep, another power play and also designed to manipulate your bf's mind.
She knows it's easier for a woman to approach THAT conversation....more difficult for a man....hence you're being cut out of the 'game'.
The girl i knew used to think it was hilarious that she could "make his dad think of me naked" and "i bet he secretly wanks over it in the shower".....she didn't fancy his dad, just liked 'knowing' that she had power over men and could 'make' them think more about her than their own partners etc
It's sick.....but it's all part of the power play and being Top Dog/Woman in any group.

She's got her own BF wrapped around her little finger, i can guarantee you she will use HIM to punish you/bf for daring to stand up to her bullshit.
It will be all "they don't like me....i feel unwelcome now....blah blah", all designed to pitch son against his father....again a power play - son threatens to move out cos of XYZ re gf, does father give in to 'save' his relationship with the son or does he stand his ground?
From what you've already said, your bf is more concerned with NOT rocking the boat with his son....
She's triangulating you all.