Avoiding spending with DP’s DD

[SebastienCrabSauce]

Both DP and I have 2 DCs each from previous relationships. He has 2 girls, one 15 and the other is nearly 11.
Mine are younger with DD9 and DS5.

We’ve been together 4.5 years but don’t live together.

I’ve always worked but up until recently I worked locally and within school hours. Last year I went back to uni and have had a complete career change. Much more money but also longer hours and a long (ish) commute.

I love my new job, I’m enjoying the extra income, for the first time in my life I’m debt free and I’m able to save for our future and my kids are happy being in wraparound care at school.

Obviously there is a downside to this which is that I spend considerably less time with children as my hours are longer. We’re out of the house from 7.15 until 17.45, and once home by the time I’ve fed the children, bathed them and done homework etc I barely see them.
Youngest is in bed by 7.15 because he needs a lot of sleep.

Also my ex has the DC EOW. So I only really get 2 weekends a month of quality time with my children.

Therefore, my weekends with my DCs are very important to me. I want these days to be happy, family time doing fun things like baking, going to the park or just playing at home all together. The kids need it and I love it.

My problem is DP’s youngest DD. She’s extremely argumentative and if I’m honest she’s a bully. Not just to my children but to most kids. Spending time altogether usually results in one or both of my DCs being upset by her behaviour and I’ve found since getting my new job my tolerance for this has plummeted.

We used to all hang out together at weekends and do family activities with everyone. But if I’m honest, now I just don’t want to.

I keep making excuses as to why we can’t do things together because I’m busy / kids have a party/ need to visit family etc.

My DP has obviously picked up on this and is questioning why we rarely spend time with the kids mixing but I don’t want to be as blunt as to say that his DD tends to ruin the day for my kids in 99% of circumstances.

Last time we were all together she physically pushed my youngest over and kept trying to exclude him from the game we were all playing.

It’s not jealously towards my kids though, she does it with children in almost every setting. To her own friends, cousins, our friend’s children. Literally everyone.

I’ve got to the point where I just don’t see why my DCs and I should have to tolerate it.

I see DP in the week and the weekends he doesn’t have his children quite a bit so I don’t think it’s necessary that we need to see his DD every time she stays at his.

DP is aware his DD is a bully and does try to rectify her behaviour but I think it’s just part of her personality to try and dominate others.

Don’t get me wrong, she can be a lovely little girl and does have many redeeming qualities. I enjoy her company a lot but I find the face she goes out of her way to make my DCs upset incredibly draining and I don’t want to deal with it every weekend I have my children.

The problem is, where do we go from here? DP is keen for us to buy a house together but I don’t think I want to. He has his girls most weekends and even when mine aren’t around there’s constant shouting, bickering and a general atmosphere of tension.

I don’t every weekend of my life to be stressful. I don’t want to break up with DP but I don’t want to live with him.

I’d be happy keeping our separate homes and me buying a place on my own for my DCs and I

Your own family and the sense of peace and happiness in your home is top priority.

I moved in too quickly with Ex and his daughters, it was great for a while and my DS loved having other kids around at last to play with. However over time they relaxed and the daughters became indifferent and a creeping meanness towards DS and towards me. The house was not happy and there was tension as I could not relax and just manage it, and to be honest I know many Dads do manage their kids, but most leave the majority to a woman, the Ex or new partner. So it just doesn’t work if the step kids can’t accept the SM and step siblings.

It would be an absolute nightmare if you moved in together. Your DP will miss you and will probably want to keep on a relationship I expect after the initial argument. Keep your own boundaries very very clear.

Oh OP. A lot can get said in the heat of the moment. And I’m sure that after this long, when things have calmed down, there will be more conversations. Quite frankly, if there are not, then you have very seriously dodged a bullet.

I’m sorry you’re heartbroken and doing the right thing isn’t ever easy. But all of us on here are unanimous in stating that you have categorically done the right thing. This is simply a no win situation for you and your children.

What I’m hoping is that your DP calms down. Takes a step back. And uses this as an opportunity to see that the behaviour with his Dd needs dealing with. And as you say, not ignoring your feelings and those of your DC.

OP. Stay strong. Once emotions have settled, see if a calmer conversation can be had x

I’d second the above.

To be honest I’d be very surprised if he doesn’t want you back. This is his exasperation of his own situation coming out, which is his problem.

Make it clear that you won’t budge. Which you have done. Well done, it would have been easy to ignore this and you could have ruined your own families home life. The childhood years pass by the blink of an eye, and you will look back and feel happy and proud that you enjoyed them with your kids, and feel relieved that you didn’t go there.

My relationship with Ex was irreparably damaged when I refused to live with his daughters anymore. We have a child together so it was tough. However looking back a few years, by god I’m glad I did it. I’m still a bit heartbroken in some ways, but so much happier without the tension. Imagine having that more than EOW! She could decide to move in permanently. Like my DSD did!

@SebastianCrabSauce,
I'm only reading through this thread now & I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
I had a very similar situation with my exdp who has three kids, 13, 16 & 19 when we split up. It was after a joint holiday where things were so awful I realised that the situation would never change that I decided to call a halt on the relationship.
With the benefit of a bit of distance I have to acknowledge that I just did not like his youngest two kids; they were unpleasant people. I feel absolutely awful admitting this even now & god knows I beat myself up enough about it. However, deep down I know I'm not wrong. I get on great with kids & teens in general & have good relationships with my own kids, my dnieces & my dnephews.
Exdp's kids were just not turning into very nice people; they were entitled, greedy & sly. Dp tried to work on these behaviours but he didn't want every weekend full of conflict, & he couldn't undo what they were learning from their dm. I actually think he was hoping my parenting would rub off on them but that wasn't my job & with three of my own I didn't need to be 'the guiding light' for his three!!!!
I was never this blunt in talking to him about all this because it's a very hard thing to say to another parent - your kids aren't pleasant & no matter how hard I try I can't like them.

I would never have put him in the position of choosing between them & me but I just couldn't take the impact they (& their dm) were having on the lives of me & my kids so I chose to walk away. It's so hard but sometimes it's the only thing you can do.
You & your kids will either be way better off in the next few weeks, or your dp will come to his senses & will try working with you on this.

I’m so sorry OP. I do maintain that, although it’s a shame it happened in anger, you needed to put a few things to him firmly. I hope you are OK

I hope you're doing ok. Including the kids

Gosh @SebastienCrabSauce, that was a quick turnaround. Just shows that the delicate balance was all being maintained by you playing the game in the way he wanted it.

FWIW, I think that this is a the right thing until he can accept his daughter's issues properly and get a handle on her. I also wouldn't be happy about him constantly jumping in on your plans, even when specifically asked not to.

See how it develops, I would be surprised if he doesn't come back hoping to reconcile.

Is this the only issue though? Do you actually want to reconcile OP?

Head and heart?