Avoiding spending with DP’s DD

[SebastienCrabSauce]

Both DP and I have 2 DCs each from previous relationships. He has 2 girls, one 15 and the other is nearly 11.
Mine are younger with DD9 and DS5.

We’ve been together 4.5 years but don’t live together.

I’ve always worked but up until recently I worked locally and within school hours. Last year I went back to uni and have had a complete career change. Much more money but also longer hours and a long (ish) commute.

I love my new job, I’m enjoying the extra income, for the first time in my life I’m debt free and I’m able to save for our future and my kids are happy being in wraparound care at school.

Obviously there is a downside to this which is that I spend considerably less time with children as my hours are longer. We’re out of the house from 7.15 until 17.45, and once home by the time I’ve fed the children, bathed them and done homework etc I barely see them.
Youngest is in bed by 7.15 because he needs a lot of sleep.

Also my ex has the DC EOW. So I only really get 2 weekends a month of quality time with my children.

Therefore, my weekends with my DCs are very important to me. I want these days to be happy, family time doing fun things like baking, going to the park or just playing at home all together. The kids need it and I love it.

My problem is DP’s youngest DD. She’s extremely argumentative and if I’m honest she’s a bully. Not just to my children but to most kids. Spending time altogether usually results in one or both of my DCs being upset by her behaviour and I’ve found since getting my new job my tolerance for this has plummeted.

We used to all hang out together at weekends and do family activities with everyone. But if I’m honest, now I just don’t want to.

I keep making excuses as to why we can’t do things together because I’m busy / kids have a party/ need to visit family etc.

My DP has obviously picked up on this and is questioning why we rarely spend time with the kids mixing but I don’t want to be as blunt as to say that his DD tends to ruin the day for my kids in 99% of circumstances.

Last time we were all together she physically pushed my youngest over and kept trying to exclude him from the game we were all playing.

It’s not jealously towards my kids though, she does it with children in almost every setting. To her own friends, cousins, our friend’s children. Literally everyone.

I’ve got to the point where I just don’t see why my DCs and I should have to tolerate it.

I see DP in the week and the weekends he doesn’t have his children quite a bit so I don’t think it’s necessary that we need to see his DD every time she stays at his.

DP is aware his DD is a bully and does try to rectify her behaviour but I think it’s just part of her personality to try and dominate others.

Don’t get me wrong, she can be a lovely little girl and does have many redeeming qualities. I enjoy her company a lot but I find the face she goes out of her way to make my DCs upset incredibly draining and I don’t want to deal with it every weekend I have my children.

The problem is, where do we go from here? DP is keen for us to buy a house together but I don’t think I want to. He has his girls most weekends and even when mine aren’t around there’s constant shouting, bickering and a general atmosphere of tension.

I don’t every weekend of my life to be stressful. I don’t want to break up with DP but I don’t want to live with him.

I’d be happy keeping our separate homes and me buying a place on my own for my DCs and I

In essence don’t lead with what he will view as his golden child being attacked. Lead with your needs, your children’s needs. And your feelings. Because the thing is, he cannot roughshod ride over either of those. He can’t tell you your feelings are wrong (they’re feelings) and he can’t tell you to ignore your needs.

If you start with his Dd’s behaviour, you will lock horns. Because he can (and will) defend his DD. And the reason he will potentially become very defensive very quickly is because you will have hit a nerve. He’ll be worried too, but is burying his head in the sand a little and just wanting to play happy families.

The whole turning up at the park and McD would be an issue without the DD’s behaviour. You have a right to time alone with your own kids, and it is important.

That would have really annoyed me.

It feels as if he doesn’t know how to manage his time with his kids in his own.

I would be very clear about wanting time with your kids, and then tell him that the current situation with Dd isn’t helping.

Are there other times when you don’t have your kids that you could see him with his? To show it is about the mixing of the kids rather than not wanting to see his Dds per se?

DP’s older DD and younger DD don’t get on at all. They are at each other constantly, evict again is another source of tension.

Older DD isn’t perfect by any stretch but I would say 9/10 times her behaviour is in retaliation to her little sister rather than causing it.

Prime example, younger DD called her older sister “a slag” so the older child hit her. Their DM only reprimanded the older DD because “you’re older, you should know better”.

No mention of the abhorrent language her youngest DD used

Again, the term “slag” is definitely a word from their DM’s vocabulary.

Are there other times when you don’t have your kids that you could see him with his?

This is going to be really outing, but seeing as I’ve already been so specific I’m not sure it’ll make much difference but I actually have my DD 100% of time. I’m her only parent.

Which is another reason why time together with my DS on our weekends with him are so incredibly important to us. It’s not just me missing time with him, but my DD too.

This is what you need to be clear about that your DD and DS need quality sibling time together which means without his DC...

Op. Your last update is a hard no from me.
Place a clear boundary around your children and keep them firmly away from the dysfunction of your DP’s DC. This will not get better, but a lot worse with girls teenager hormones.

It’s categorically unacceptable behaviour and it’s clear that she is not being parented properly by the primary carer. That is not your issue. Your DP needs to step up and get a handle on this.

If he reacts badly, so be it. Your priority has to be your children.

I don't think you can wash over the actual issues here expecting him to magically understand.

You say that his dd has likely learned her behaviour from her mum but your partner consistently rides roughshod over your plans doing things you have specifically asked him not to do so he isn't exactly a great example himself.

He knows his child deliberately hurts your children and he forces her on them, you and your wider family at every opportunity.

I don't think he is the great man you think he is.

I think you just need to be brutally honest. Deep down you know your children shouldn't suffer for the sake of your relationship.

You have it sorted OP, you know what you need to do, you know why, you don’t need us

Good luck. I hope he is able to understand that this isn’t personal or about you and him, unless he chooses to make it so.

I just don’t understand op, you’re wasting your life. If I were you I’d cut my losses and in time find someone else to build a relationship with.

Are you going to wait until this girl is an adult before you live in together?
Also agree with op about this man not being as great as you think he is.
The whole situation sounds hard work, and as though you’re getting nowhere...

Be strong

I think you can have the conversation you need to without making it sound like you don't like her.

"The dynamic between all the kids isn't great at the moment. There's too much conflict. My kids aren't coping, and they need more quiet time at home just with me and each other. I'm not coping with the extra stress on top of the new job. I think all 4 kids would benefit from more nuclear family time instead of being on the go all day every weekend and constantly having their patience tested by each other."

Would something like that work?

Absolutely have the difficult conversation with him.

I accept your point that it isn’t your responsibility to ‘fix’ his daughter- but you do need to tell him he has to take steps to address the problems she has. It isn’t going to go away.

I personally would end a relationship based on this. I can’t see your future getting any better.

Just catching up on this, OP’s DP’s dd sounds remarkably similar to my Dnephew. Who I find very difficult to be around. He is constantly entertained with a baffling array of million adult-led activities per day, his parents constantly negotiate with him (it’s exhausting to be around) and never say ‘no’. When Dnephew is with my dd’s he is difficult and takes pleasure in annoying his cousins by negative behaviour. He is a complete pain in the proverbial. My sister idolises him and all her posts on SM are about him. I have had to distance myself to protect my dd’s from the annoyance (they are now teens and the age difference is huge right now). He is often in trouble at school. I guess too much power ultimately makes dc feel insecure. It’s tough. And dysfunctional. Interestingly my Dnephew’s parents are together. So it’s not a separated parent phenomenon. But it’s so tough to rectify. By this age I would say the hope of things improving are slim.

I think OP, you’ve got this. Just outline where he is impinging one your life with her and draw new boundaries. With only EoW contact your DP isn’t able to transform her but he is able to protect you and your dc.

Are you going to wait until this girl is an adult before you live in together?

Yeah that’s the plan, I’m happy to keep the kids separate until they’re much older. I’m not keen on the whole blending idea with young kids anyway

@BlouseAndSkirt thank you for your positivity

I think you need to be blunt and tell him you won't consider moving in until she's an adult. But will it even work then? You're going to have to wait until she's through uni. This isn't going to get better and the drama will always be there.

And why on Earth is he using a time out on a ten year old! He needs help. I'd be suggesting that he take her to child psych on his own. He doesn't need the mother's consent. He needs to get his finger out. If boredom is what she doesn't like I'd be taking her straight home for the rest of the day every single time she's nasty. Not a blooming time out!

Thanks for the info on ages and phones, you then can decline to answer the FaceTime calls. That’s simple. You don’t want to be disturbed, so don’t be.

You’re saying about it being problematic only eow

Then the issue you have is that you will never be able to make this work, living together is both (a) completely off the cards and (b) harmful to YOUR family.

There is literally no future, nothing to work towards, nothing to plan for.

As others have told you she’s more Than aware of what she’s doing to your kids and others and she doesn’t care or have any inclination or reason to change.

IF you lived with this man, your kids would grow to resent and hate her, and in turn him for inflicting this girl and her cruelty on them. It could even result in resentment and anger towards you as you’re not protecting them from her.

Life is too short. You can’t ask him to make sure she stays away from you/your kids/your home without WW3. You can’t ever move in with him because of her and you’ll grow to resent her for this and him for being too weak to stop all this cruelty.

Yes to above post!

She might improve with age (they do, as I'm sure you know), but there again there could be other factors which are driving these behaviours.

Or, she's just a total fucking nightmare.

I hope it's not the latter.

Don't buy somewhere until this resolved though, you're setting yourself up to fail otherwise.

I hope you get the outcome you want though

Given her mother apparently, she is who she will be.

Even at 18 this dd will still want to visit, won’t be an independent adult until a good while after that anyway so you’re going to be in this pattern for a good 10 years

You and he may be compatible, but he isn’t good at parenting his dd. He won’t ever be able to make any changes. You (rightly) don’t want to spend time with his dd, and you shouldn’t ever feel guilty for putting your young dc and your dn first.

She WANTS to hurt/upset them. You’re the only one who can stop that by refusing access to them.

Your dp has been told clearly what his dd is and still it’s made no difference, it’s not going to change, with teenage drama about to kick in it’s going to be hell on earth

Start by refusing to mix at weekends, don’t answer any FaceTime calls and say to dp that he does his thing with her and you do yours with your kids.

The more he realises that enabling her behaviour/cruelty towards you and the kids, the less time he has with you the better.

Do you repeat what she’s done/said when he’s been out of earshot? I bloody would!

He has no interest in facing the reality that she’s either deeply troubled or just plain nasty.

She might improve with age (they do, as I'm sure you know)
Not necessarily. Some children are, frankly, not very nice at times and some more than 'at times.' Unless parents and adults around them are influencing them in the right way, my experience (34 years of teaching) is that the behaviour worsens. Sometimes they get better at masking it and the unpleasantness goes under the radar, except for towards the victim.

I don't really understand why you can't just have an honest conversation with your dp?

You seem very sensible and caring - putting your children and your relationship with your children above your relationship with your dp and his family.

I don't understand why he would have a problem with that?

He might want to move on to the next step, move in and get married etc. But that's not being offered.

You need to be honest with him, it's unfair on both of you at the moment.

You are right to try and minimise your children's forced exposure to a known repeated bully. Your children will be happier and look back on their childhood with much fonder memories if you do this for them.

You have to be able to talk about everything, otherwise it’s not a strong relationship.

He’s failing you as a person, you both as a couple and worse your kids all because he doesn’t want to deal with his dd and her bullying behaviour

I understand why you're worried to have the conversation. Men hate living without a woman and he will no doubt be desperate to move in with you. Whereas you have realised the benefits of independence and space and don't want to absorb the effects of his failure to parent.

Your post is a breath of fresh air on here. Good luck resolving the situation