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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Avoiding spending with DP’s DD

159 replies

SebastienCrabSauce · 01/02/2020 12:06

Both DP and I have 2 DCs each from previous relationships. He has 2 girls, one 15 and the other is nearly 11.
Mine are younger with DD9 and DS5.

We’ve been together 4.5 years but don’t live together.

I’ve always worked but up until recently I worked locally and within school hours. Last year I went back to uni and have had a complete career change. Much more money but also longer hours and a long (ish) commute.

I love my new job, I’m enjoying the extra income, for the first time in my life I’m debt free and I’m able to save for our future and my kids are happy being in wraparound care at school.

Obviously there is a downside to this which is that I spend considerably less time with children as my hours are longer. We’re out of the house from 7.15 until 17.45, and once home by the time I’ve fed the children, bathed them and done homework etc I barely see them.
Youngest is in bed by 7.15 because he needs a lot of sleep.

Also my ex has the DC EOW. So I only really get 2 weekends a month of quality time with my children.

Therefore, my weekends with my DCs are very important to me. I want these days to be happy, family time doing fun things like baking, going to the park or just playing at home all together. The kids need it and I love it.

My problem is DP’s youngest DD. She’s extremely argumentative and if I’m honest she’s a bully. Not just to my children but to most kids. Spending time altogether usually results in one or both of my DCs being upset by her behaviour and I’ve found since getting my new job my tolerance for this has plummeted.

We used to all hang out together at weekends and do family activities with everyone. But if I’m honest, now I just don’t want to.

I keep making excuses as to why we can’t do things together because I’m busy / kids have a party/ need to visit family etc.

My DP has obviously picked up on this and is questioning why we rarely spend time with the kids mixing but I don’t want to be as blunt as to say that his DD tends to ruin the day for my kids in 99% of circumstances.

Last time we were all together she physically pushed my youngest over and kept trying to exclude him from the game we were all playing.

It’s not jealously towards my kids though, she does it with children in almost every setting. To her own friends, cousins, our friend’s children. Literally everyone.

I’ve got to the point where I just don’t see why my DCs and I should have to tolerate it.

I see DP in the week and the weekends he doesn’t have his children quite a bit so I don’t think it’s necessary that we need to see his DD every time she stays at his.

DP is aware his DD is a bully and does try to rectify her behaviour but I think it’s just part of her personality to try and dominate others.

Don’t get me wrong, she can be a lovely little girl and does have many redeeming qualities. I enjoy her company a lot but I find the face she goes out of her way to make my DCs upset incredibly draining and I don’t want to deal with it every weekend I have my children.

The problem is, where do we go from here? DP is keen for us to buy a house together but I don’t think I want to. He has his girls most weekends and even when mine aren’t around there’s constant shouting, bickering and a general atmosphere of tension.

I don’t every weekend of my life to be stressful. I don’t want to break up with DP but I don’t want to live with him.

I’d be happy keeping our separate homes and me buying a place on my own for my DCs and I

OP posts:

Techway · 02/02/2020 16:22

@CallmeAngelina, spot on! I knew a child like this and it was a very similar set up as divorced parents. Mum was quite controlling and the dad, nrp, was indulgent. The child had an enormous sense of entitlement which got worse through teen years. They are now an adult and still demanding and unpleasant at times and play the victim. Nothing is every their fault.

Over indulgence is just as bad as neglect and I think your partner may have missed the window to make changes in her behaviour.

I think you are wise to not ignore your feelings.

Annasgirl · 02/02/2020 16:31

HI OP, it seems as if your DP does not like parenting his DD's by himself so he likes to add in you and your DC (most likely because then you will do all of the "mom" stuff). So he may not want to continue with you if you do not move in (and take over parenting 100%).

Be that as it may, you really need to be 100% clear with him that you are not going to move in with him until your children have left home (and by then, will you even want to? you may have settled into a great 2 house relationship where you just see each other enough not to annoy each other). But I fear he will try and convince you to move in with him, because as a man his life will be so much easier if he has a mum figure living with him.

JammieCodger · 02/02/2020 17:56

I wonder if her behaviour is in part a reaction to her sister doting on your children.

But the important thing is no, YANBU to tell him your children need time on their own with you, or to put off moving in with him. My DMIL never moved in with her long-term partner. She decided when she divorced that her children would always come first, and never to compromise that for the wants of a man. Her partner was a wonderful, supportive man; just lived around the corner rather than with her.

Original poster

SebastienCrabSauce · 02/02/2020 20:15

To answer a few questions:
DP was on his own with the children for 5 years before he me so he definitely isn’t desperate for a partner or a mother figure for his children.

Younger DD’s behaviour is not a reaction to the older DD’s nice relationship with my DCs. Her behaviour predates and is not limited to being unkind to my DCs. The relationship between his older girl and my DCs has developed over time and wasn’t instant.

OP posts:

Original poster

SebastienCrabSauce · 02/02/2020 20:16

@Grobagsforever thank you for kind words

OP posts:

painintheholeSIL · 02/02/2020 20:51

@SebastienCrabSauce that is a really difficult situation. I don't envy you. I think you're right. You can't move in with him until she is much older. I think you could gently point out that it would be unfair to your children given how often she is mean to them.
If he disagrees maybe ask him to monitor her when they're together and when they're not and see just how much she does it. He's probably not as tuned into your children as you are, naturally.he needs to be made to actually see how often she upsets all of the children she spends time with.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 02/02/2020 21:05

I really feel for you, OP. What a situation you’ve found yourself in.
I may be completely wrong here, but I have to say, your DP doesn’t seem particularly respectful to your boundaries - bringing the bikes when asked not to, following you to MCD uninvited (AFTER you’ve told him you’re unhappy) so you 100% have to have the clear conversation with him. I find it hard to believe he hasn’t picked up a reluctance to spend time on the weekends and his response to that seems to have been to railroad onwards over any discomfort you have.
The irony is it seems like you are the adult this 10 year old would most benefit having time from (but not your job, obviously)
PP who say that her being an adult won’t fix this, I’m sorry to say, are probably right. I think you need to consider whether in 10 years when she’s ‘grown up’ and still acting like this (likely because nothing’s being done to fix the behaviour) are you happy to in fact never live with your partner? If you’re happy enough with that, crack on. But there’s a teal possibility that this behaviour will continue forever, will you be sad about the time you’ve wasted if you can’t move in in 8-10 years? Just something to think of. And you sound like an amazing mum, putting your kids needs 100% front and centre in this relationship, other posters should be directed to this thread to see how it’s done 💐

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 02/02/2020 21:24

It's so refreshing to read an Op where the mum puts her own DCs before a new (or not so new) partner.

You need to be honest with him Op and stand your ground. Good luck.

Original poster

SebastienCrabSauce · 02/02/2020 21:26

Well we had a big argument tonight so I’m guessing that’s that.
I think we’re both done with this relationship to be honest. It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast and I think we’re better off cutting our losses

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 02/02/2020 21:29

Ah, OP. Sorry to hear that, was the argument about the dc.? I had a similarly rubbish day Nd got irritated with DP as he failed to just stand up to his ex re: enabling his dd.

It’s kinda toxic stuff to a relationship. You sound strong though, OP.

RandomMess · 02/02/2020 21:35

LatentPhase · 02/02/2020 21:40

I think. If dads can’t get in the driver’s seat with their dc, they are not move-in-able-with.

ColumbaPalumbus · 02/02/2020 21:43

Sorry, OP, you sound like a great strong mum who did what was right for her kids. You've saved yourself years of bullshit and anguish and compromise.

CallmeAngelina · 02/02/2020 21:52

You must have real mixed feelings. for you.
But I admire you for standing your ground for your dc's sakes.

BlouseAndSkirt · 02/02/2020 21:52

Sorry to hear that.

But if it is done, it is done and it is brave of you to face that in the eye.

ContessaferJones · 02/02/2020 21:54

Hugs OP, break-ups are rough regardless of the circumstances. Hope you're OK.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 02/02/2020 21:57

Sorry to hear that Op. Hope you're ok.

Angharad07 · 02/02/2020 22:02

I’ve just read through this, I’m so sorry op but you’ll always be the best mum by putting your children first. You deserve a bottle of wine and a bubble bath xx

Scarydinosaurs · 02/02/2020 22:02

Sorry to hear this, OP.

Well done for putting you and your DD first.

Original poster

SebastienCrabSauce · 02/02/2020 22:06

It was a mixture of things to be honest but the fact he’s making zero effort to make my feelings (or my DCs) a priority tipped us over the edge.
My mum opened the can of worms and then it all came tumbling out.

OP posts:

FraglesRock · 02/02/2020 22:11

I'm sorry it came to that but you were in the right to say that you wanted the situation to be different

Annasgirl · 02/02/2020 22:14

Hi OP, sorry it came to this. I know this is hard to hear now but there is someone better out there for you. Concentrate on your new life with your wonderful DC now and relish the peace and harmony.

MzHz · 02/02/2020 22:24

Ahhh :( sorry to hear this, but I genuinely believe that this is for the best, you are putting your dc and indeed little dn first and you were right to.

He’s been told ffs, by school etc and he doesn’t want to fix it.

What was it that your mum prompted?

You’re a good mum- how many threads do you see where he’s moved in, the kids are treating her like shit, any kids she has etc and she’s utterly powerless to do anything.

NataliaOsipova · 02/02/2020 22:25

Sorry to hear that. I think you can honestly say that you’ve tried your best; thinking back to your previous thread, this isn’t minor stuff and you’ve been grappling with it for some time. Ultimately, you’ve put your children and their feelings first....and you should feel proud of that.

Original poster

SebastienCrabSauce · 02/02/2020 22:33

I know what you’re all saying is right. But I feel like shit right now.
I’m heartbroken but I think it’s for the best

OP posts:

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