Avoiding spending with DP’s DD

[SebastienCrabSauce]

Both DP and I have 2 DCs each from previous relationships. He has 2 girls, one 15 and the other is nearly 11.
Mine are younger with DD9 and DS5.

We’ve been together 4.5 years but don’t live together.

I’ve always worked but up until recently I worked locally and within school hours. Last year I went back to uni and have had a complete career change. Much more money but also longer hours and a long (ish) commute.

I love my new job, I’m enjoying the extra income, for the first time in my life I’m debt free and I’m able to save for our future and my kids are happy being in wraparound care at school.

Obviously there is a downside to this which is that I spend considerably less time with children as my hours are longer. We’re out of the house from 7.15 until 17.45, and once home by the time I’ve fed the children, bathed them and done homework etc I barely see them.
Youngest is in bed by 7.15 because he needs a lot of sleep.

Also my ex has the DC EOW. So I only really get 2 weekends a month of quality time with my children.

Therefore, my weekends with my DCs are very important to me. I want these days to be happy, family time doing fun things like baking, going to the park or just playing at home all together. The kids need it and I love it.

My problem is DP’s youngest DD. She’s extremely argumentative and if I’m honest she’s a bully. Not just to my children but to most kids. Spending time altogether usually results in one or both of my DCs being upset by her behaviour and I’ve found since getting my new job my tolerance for this has plummeted.

We used to all hang out together at weekends and do family activities with everyone. But if I’m honest, now I just don’t want to.

I keep making excuses as to why we can’t do things together because I’m busy / kids have a party/ need to visit family etc.

My DP has obviously picked up on this and is questioning why we rarely spend time with the kids mixing but I don’t want to be as blunt as to say that his DD tends to ruin the day for my kids in 99% of circumstances.

Last time we were all together she physically pushed my youngest over and kept trying to exclude him from the game we were all playing.

It’s not jealously towards my kids though, she does it with children in almost every setting. To her own friends, cousins, our friend’s children. Literally everyone.

I’ve got to the point where I just don’t see why my DCs and I should have to tolerate it.

I see DP in the week and the weekends he doesn’t have his children quite a bit so I don’t think it’s necessary that we need to see his DD every time she stays at his.

DP is aware his DD is a bully and does try to rectify her behaviour but I think it’s just part of her personality to try and dominate others.

Don’t get me wrong, she can be a lovely little girl and does have many redeeming qualities. I enjoy her company a lot but I find the face she goes out of her way to make my DCs upset incredibly draining and I don’t want to deal with it every weekend I have my children.

The problem is, where do we go from here? DP is keen for us to buy a house together but I don’t think I want to. He has his girls most weekends and even when mine aren’t around there’s constant shouting, bickering and a general atmosphere of tension.

I don’t every weekend of my life to be stressful. I don’t want to break up with DP but I don’t want to live with him.

I’d be happy keeping our separate homes and me buying a place on my own for my DCs and I

Same advice stands. Don't answer if he's got his girls. Remember your priorities

You are justified and are doing the right thing for your family ultimately - you can’t move comfortably into a blended situation as his DD and yours are not going to thrive in that environment. So few firm boundaries and be honest with him - you clearly have affection for his child, not loving every aspect of her behaviour doesn’t negate that. Tell him that for now at least, you are going to limit the interactions for everyone’s benefit until this stage has been worked through by her parents

Does he do things with his dc when he's alone, is it that they're bored and you're all more fun.

@FraglesRock if I’m honest I think he does too much with his youngest DD which means she’s not capable of entertaining herself or just relaxing at home.

So for example, yesterday I took my DCs and my DN to the park yesterday and planned to take them to McDonald’s afterwards, then back to our house to watch a film. I would consider that plenty to do in one afternoon on a weekend.

Nope. Not enough for his DD. They rode their bikes to the park (fine, normal) then played at the park, then went to McDonald’s, then went swimming, then baked cakes, picked up his DD’s friend and went to the cinema, then had the friend stay over for a sleepover.

It’s an insane amount to do in one day I think. All those activities I would probably do in a month’s worth of weekends, spread them out.

Today we’ve all been invited to Sunday lunch at my DM’s house which will be early because of young children, around 1.30ish. I guarantee they’ll have been on another day out before they arrive here which will result in his DD moaning about being bored before pudding has even been served.

Honestly, it’s exhausting. We could never just all have a pj day and hang out at home, it always has to be so busy and often expensive.

if he’s being too soft on his daughter and not helping her to address her behaviour then it’s not your job to change this.

Your instincts sound spot-on. Protect your children and keep this as a nice, unblended relationship.

Could his kid’s DM be bullying youngest kid? She was too young to be speaking up about it when they broke up, but four is old enough to have a voice.

@justilou1 again it’s the total opposite. Youngest DD is clearly their DM’s golden child. She absolutely dotes on her, she can do no wrong in her eyes and her social media is full of posts and pics of “my baby girl, my world” etc.
All whilst her older DD is left out Not a single picture of her.

If the girls argue or fall out then it’s always the older DD’s fault according to their mum, even if we’ve witnessed the younger one physically attack her, because “well she must have provoked her”.

@justilou1
I’m confused by your comment
“but four is old enough to have a voice”

She’s not 4, she’s nearly 11. And she was 6 when we met

She goes to secondary school this year, she’s not a very young confused child. She is fully aware of the impact her behaviour has on others

I would sit DP down and explain that his youngest needs more time 1-2-1. That you are taking a step back so they can work on their relationship. That’s all it needs to be said.

The kid sounds troubled and it’s only going to get worse as she hits teenage years. Detach with love.

I would say that you're unwilling to have her unless he is on hand to parent her, and say she regularly upsets your kids turning what should be precious time into something about her and you're no longer taking it. Tell him she's welcome to come when she can behave.

She goes to secondary school this year, she’s not a very young confused child. She is fully aware of the impact her behaviour has on others

Oh, come on, she is still ultimately a child. A young child who needs input from adults and is a long way from being developmentally mature.

Just because her parents separated when she was tiny does not mean it can't have affected her or that growing up with the aftermath and altered dynamics won't have affected her.

You keep writing as if this ten year old child is just intrinsically "bad" and irredeemable when it's quite obvious her behaviour is the product of her environment, her parenting and other factors that make it more complex than her being just born a bully.

Being aware of the impact of her behaviour on others to some degree (I doubt she grasps the full complexity and depth of the impact, e.g. On you) doesn't mean she can somehow address everything going on to change it overnight.

She is not developmentally the same as an adult. Which of the adults in her life is helping her manage the difficult emotions she's struggling with? Any of them?

And as for her sibling behaving differently, of course she does. She's a different person who's had a totally different upbringing and been treated differently by her parents.

Well I did lose my shit a bit yesterday I’ll admit.
We said we were going to the park, they decided they were going to join us last minute. I said that’s fine, but please don’t bring your bikes because we’re not bringing ours as DP has the bike rack on his car and I can’t fit all 3 of the bikes in my boot (DD’s DS’s and DN’s who is 4).

Lo and behold they turn up on their bikes so then the two little ones were upset they didn’t have theirs (they’re 4 & 5 years old).

I was really pissed off and snapped at DP saying I knew this would happen which is specifically why I said don’t bring your bikes, I said if they wanted a bike ride that’s fine but then don’t gatecrash our day out.

All was fine, I distracted the little ones by pushing them on the swings. All the while his DD is riding her bike close to us and saying
“Isn’t it just the best when you ride your bike on a day like this. I love my bike. I’d be sooooo sad if I didn’t have a bike to play on today”

All whilst side eyeing the little ones and smirking because she was hoping to provoke a reaction.

I lost it with DP and said “This happens every time. Whatever she wants she gets, regardless of the detriment to others and I’m fed up of it”.

He looked shocked and said that we’ll talk about it later. We didn’t, of course, because they went off to do 75 million other activities later that day.

I am pretty sure that you have posted about this situation before.

You do have a DP problem because he doesn't manage his DD, he doesn't pull rank on her he is too busy being a Disney Dad on his weekends. His younger DD is a tough personality to manage but he doesn't seem to try he will dole out consequences without actually putting in preventive measures.

As soon as they turned up with the bikes you should have told him to leave. You told him not to bring the bikes but he did it anyway.

@user14928465 my children also went through a break up. A lot of children do, it’s not an excuse to bully and behave badly.

My DD is a year younger than his DD and us 100% fully aware of her actions and the impact they have on others. Of course she is, she’s not an impulsive toddler incapable of seeing things from the point of view of others.

Which of the adults in her life is helping her manage the difficult emotions she's struggling with? Any of them?

I have no idea what goes on at her DMs and I wouldn’t speculate. Also quite frankly her behaviour or dealing with it is not my place to fix or rectify.

I’m simply trying to protect my own children from the impact of it.

Like I said, she isn’t a monster and can at times be very lovely. I’m just trying to minimise the upset she causes to my own DCs.

I meant when they broke up... sorry. Something is very wrong with this kid. Either she is being abused in some way at home, OR she is being raised without fear of consequences, and will be a monster. Sounds like number two. Does she bully the eldest kid as well. Do mum and no 2 gang up on her together, do you think? (I really hope not!!!)

This DD seems to be given lots and lots of control in her life, way too much. She isn't actually being parented by her Dad and probably not by her Mum either...

I would limit having the DC together to once a month max and I would be direct with DP and say the park incidence is a typical example of what happens and your DC are not being subjected to deliberate upset and nastiness to make his life easier with his DD.

she is being raised without fear of consequences

It’s exactly this. She has zero fear or respect for authority figures or other adults.

Well with your update, I revise my view of a confused child going through a stage - I actually think we have a quite malicious child who seeks out your company and that of your children as she is one of those unfortunate folks who get the most value and sense of self from watching others pain. Tell you DP that you are not having that happen again and whilst you know it’s not an overnight fix, you are not sacrificing your children’s well being while he works through whatever this is. 1 dinner a weekend, no more blended meals with your family, invitations by you not gatecrashing by them

Are you sure you’ve not outgrown this relationship? It sounds so tiresome. You’ve got a new job, less time. Your kids are still young. Time to move on, because this problem isn’t going away. However much you might be protecting your dc by not moving in, you’re still regularly subjecting them to unpleasant/bullying behaviour due to your choices.

THIS RELATIONSHIP ISNT WORKING OP!

She knows exactly what she’s doing.

What phones is she FaceTiming if your kids are 5 and 4?

Block her

And your DP is a complete prick. He is being played and won’t do anything about it.

Get out of this relationship now before contempt sneaks in and you lose all respect for him.

Honestly, his set up isn’t worth the hassle.

I agree OP this relationship isn't working. You can't spend all your time worrying about the actions of a child every time your around her. Sit down and speak to your DP one last time and if he doesn't understand where you are coming from then I would walk away.

I agree with all the pp, your children are your priority and it sounds like it's time to be honest with your DP. I don't think that means you need to end the relationship, although depending on how he reacts to your honesty I guess he might end it.

Irrespective of your relationship, his DD has behavioural issues at school and home which needs to be addressed, for her sake. She is still a child, and a troubled child deserves parents who will try find necessary support / counselling / diagnosis/ whatever is necessary to get to the bottom of that behaviour. The mother may not want to see the problem but the school and the father do, so he needs to take responsibility here for tackling the issues.

I would struggle to be with someone who didn't try to help their child, and especially in your case when that behaviour is having a huge impact on your own family.