Avoiding spending with DP’s DD

[SebastienCrabSauce]

Both DP and I have 2 DCs each from previous relationships. He has 2 girls, one 15 and the other is nearly 11.
Mine are younger with DD9 and DS5.

We’ve been together 4.5 years but don’t live together.

I’ve always worked but up until recently I worked locally and within school hours. Last year I went back to uni and have had a complete career change. Much more money but also longer hours and a long (ish) commute.

I love my new job, I’m enjoying the extra income, for the first time in my life I’m debt free and I’m able to save for our future and my kids are happy being in wraparound care at school.

Obviously there is a downside to this which is that I spend considerably less time with children as my hours are longer. We’re out of the house from 7.15 until 17.45, and once home by the time I’ve fed the children, bathed them and done homework etc I barely see them.
Youngest is in bed by 7.15 because he needs a lot of sleep.

Also my ex has the DC EOW. So I only really get 2 weekends a month of quality time with my children.

Therefore, my weekends with my DCs are very important to me. I want these days to be happy, family time doing fun things like baking, going to the park or just playing at home all together. The kids need it and I love it.

My problem is DP’s youngest DD. She’s extremely argumentative and if I’m honest she’s a bully. Not just to my children but to most kids. Spending time altogether usually results in one or both of my DCs being upset by her behaviour and I’ve found since getting my new job my tolerance for this has plummeted.

We used to all hang out together at weekends and do family activities with everyone. But if I’m honest, now I just don’t want to.

I keep making excuses as to why we can’t do things together because I’m busy / kids have a party/ need to visit family etc.

My DP has obviously picked up on this and is questioning why we rarely spend time with the kids mixing but I don’t want to be as blunt as to say that his DD tends to ruin the day for my kids in 99% of circumstances.

Last time we were all together she physically pushed my youngest over and kept trying to exclude him from the game we were all playing.

It’s not jealously towards my kids though, she does it with children in almost every setting. To her own friends, cousins, our friend’s children. Literally everyone.

I’ve got to the point where I just don’t see why my DCs and I should have to tolerate it.

I see DP in the week and the weekends he doesn’t have his children quite a bit so I don’t think it’s necessary that we need to see his DD every time she stays at his.

DP is aware his DD is a bully and does try to rectify her behaviour but I think it’s just part of her personality to try and dominate others.

Don’t get me wrong, she can be a lovely little girl and does have many redeeming qualities. I enjoy her company a lot but I find the face she goes out of her way to make my DCs upset incredibly draining and I don’t want to deal with it every weekend I have my children.

The problem is, where do we go from here? DP is keen for us to buy a house together but I don’t think I want to. He has his girls most weekends and even when mine aren’t around there’s constant shouting, bickering and a general atmosphere of tension.

I don’t every weekend of my life to be stressful. I don’t want to break up with DP but I don’t want to live with him.

I’d be happy keeping our separate homes and me buying a place on my own for my DCs and I

You have a right to do what you think is best for your dcs. However it sounds like your dp wants this relationship to be more permanent and it just won't work with the way you feel about his dd. He has a right to know how you feel so he can decide if that's the kind of relationship he wants.

To be honest @MissEliza he is fully aware of how I feel, he just wants me to say it.
I did once, about 2 years ago and he actually agreed with me.
The thought of living with her fills me with dread. I like spending time with her without my kids there or in short doses.

I’d be happy staying as we are until the children are much much older and then think about moving in

Thank goodness to hear from a sensible woman who doesn't think that moving in together will magically make everything ok.
Your DP needs to really work on dealing with his child's behaviour, for her sake as well as the children she bullies

Thank you @BruceAndNosh

DP does try to deal with it, I can’t fault him for that to be honest. He’s quick to respond and impose consequences but it’s so often and she’s quite sly about the way she does things that sometimes things she does slips under his radar. For example, we were at DP’s mum’s for Sunday dinner recently and the house was full of both kids and adults and she still managed to pinch my son sneakily causing him to cry.
Literally no one saw her do it and she’d left a mark. She was instantly reprimanded and had a time out but within 10 mins of that incident she’d also made one of her cousins extremely upset by saying unkind things to her.

It’s hard because there’s only so much we can do, her mum doesn’t think there’s any problem at all with her behaviour and becomes very defensive when my DP tries to discuss it. She literally shuts him down and says she’s never witnessed any kind of unkind behaviour so she must be lashing out at us?
DP pointed out that she’s had several problems at school regarding this behaviour and that she is rarely around other children when she’s with her mum.

When his DD is with adults only she comes across very sweet and cute, but it’s like she has to dominate other children and be the complete centre of attention. It’s almost as any other child is competition for attention and they must suffer for getting in her way.

It sounds extreme when I write it all down, but if I’m honest, I think it is.

Cripes I would be considering the relationship. My friend had a dd very similar . Put me off seeing either of them. Can't imagine being in a relationship and having that in my life in large doses. Imo protect your own dc and end it. She won't get better with age imo.
I had a dsd who was the halo-ed one wherever we went but she never hurt my dc....

His dd is doing this aged 10? With puberty and adolescence still to come? This sounds extreme. I would stay well clear. And just be honest with your DP.

Trust your instincts. End the relationship. Your children should not live with other people they do not feel safe and happy around.

Can't imagine being in a relationship and having that in my life in large doses

That’s what I’m trying to avoid, the large doses. We can cope with her in short bursts but I definitely don’t want to share a home with her when she’s still acting like this.

I absolutely adore his oldest DD, she’s really lovely and very easy company which makes it all the more puzzling as to why his younger DD is so challenging in her behaviour

End the relationship

Why? Because one of his DDs can be unpleasant?
No I don’t want to end the relationship. I’m happy to keep the statue quo, not living together and leaving him to have the majority of the time with his youngest DD without being there

status quo*

I don’t want to be as blunt as to say that his DD tends to ruin the day for my kids in 99% of circumstances

Actually, I think you should.

You say you’ve alluded to this in the past and he’s agreed with you. I think you should just say it.

This may lead to a wider conversation though, about where your relationship is going.

Because realistically you’re not looking at moving in together for at least the next 5-8 years, are you?

Is it the thought of having that conversation that stops you?

Because realistically you’re not looking at moving in together for at least the next 5-8 years, are you?

I’m totally ok with that though. I’m in no rush. I don’t want to be with anyone else and I love him so much. But I’m happy with the way things are

But is he be ok with that?

I may just have to say it as I see it.
I don’t expect a good reaction though, yes he knows she’s unkind and deep down he knows it’s an issue, but he loves her unconditionally and will naturally want to defend her.
I do not love her unconditionally, even my “liking” of her is conditional because it’s based on her behaviour

@CoffeeCoinneseur he may not be, but he doesn’t really have a choice if he wants to continue a relationship with me. I’m not willing to sacrifice mine or my children’s happiness to appease him

Exactly. So have the conversation and save yourself another 8 years of tiptoeing around the issue and coming up with excuses as to why you can’t buy a house with him - which you’ve said he’s keen to do.

Good for you, OP. I have had a sort of similar (ish) situation with my DP. He has a daughter who lives a very limited life and behaves immaturely. She has unaddressed MH issues. She has no qualifications and only leaves the house (her mum’s) to do a hobby. She does what she likes. I acknowledge that she is also struggling with self esteem etc. But is effectively being enabled by her mum (who has her own MH issues) and by my DP who has made well intentioned but misguided attempts to help or ignore, but have added to the enabling. She is now an adult and states she wants to stay a child and has no wish to get help.

I had been honest with my DP for some time that I will not move in with him and be part of the dysfunction and acquire and enable a helpless adult for the rest of my days. Therefore moving in is not an option from my point of view. I have my own dc to consider, dc who are expected to function and contribute, unlike his dd.

I’m in no rush to move in. Sounds like you’re it either. Just tell it like it is. I’ve done it with my DP and far from being defensive, he has really got on board with having a more helpful relationship with his dd. There have been positive changes. He has listened and appreciated the input. He was at complete liberty to tell me to ‘do one’, but has chosen to make positive changes.

I would advise you to be completely honest with your DP. You can’t really be anything else. Either things will get better or your relationship will stall. But at least it will be from a place of honesty and perfectly healthy boundaries.

I would definitely not move in. Don’t do that to your children or yourself. Can’t you keep dating and keep things as is, seeing her every now and again? There’s no need to enforce more contact if your children don’t enjoy it. And if he asks, be honest and explain why. It’s great you aren’t being naive and assuming all will be fine!

@NotStayingIn that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. We can continue a relationship without forcing the children together. I’m going to have to be brutally honest and he choose to do with that information whatever he sees as best

Your dcs come first. Spend time with them without his youngest around to spoil it.
That sounds mean but it’s true. His youngest is making your dcs unhappy. So you need to do the right thing for them and not involve his dcs (especially his youngest) in the things you’re doing.

And like you say, you don’t get as much time with them as you used to, so you want it to be happy and fun when you have that quality time with them. Not stressful and miserable.

Loving her unconditionally is his job not yours.
Your job is to protect your dc.
End of.

I think you need to be diplomatically honest with him.

Even without the behaviour aspect, the importance of quality 1:1 time with your children since your career change is an important and valid issue. I would explain that to him and then say that for whatever reason, kids bring kids, that time can be compromised because of tension, friction and upsets.

Can you manage it so that you each spend the majority of the weekend with your own kids, and just meet up for one meal, Saturday eve, or whatever.

It is a big age range between his eldest and your youngest to be accommodating all-family activities and days out when the children are not blended and close.

I think you need to be more honest with dp about how you feel about his daughter.
If she ruins everything , tell him. There is nothing wrong with that.

Also ask yourself, is the relationship with dp worth it in terms of how much it impinges on your time with your children ? Might you be better off just you and your kids ?

Has he spoken to the school about her behaviour ? Would the child's mother believe him if the school contacted her about the behaviour?

It is a big age range between his eldest and your youngest to be accommodating all-family activities and days out when the children are not blended and close

The weird thing is that his eldest and my youngest absolutely adore each other. She’s 15 and mothers him and loves to spoil him, cuddle him and will sit and play for hours with him. She’s really patient and kind with both of my children.

@Shortfeet up until recently it didn’t feel like my relationship was impinging on my time with my children at all, and it still doesn’t in the sense of DP and I spending time together. He comes home from work about 7pm just as my kids are settling down for the night.

I just want to keep my weekends with my children just for them. Does that make me selfish? Maybe. But it’s the way I want it to be