Ex expecting maintenance for DC at uni?

[Monst3ra]

DH has lowered ex's maintenance to account for eldest DC is now at uni. Ex has told DH that she is giving DC a monthly amount and she expects DH to now give her half of the amount she has decided to give DC.

DC is 19.

Is it unreasonable for DH to have agreed his own way of financially helping directly with DC rather than via ex?

I've come back to this thread as I see some posters think that when one child drops off CMS the father should pay some maintenance direct to the child and some to the mother.

The thing with CMS maintenance is that when you drop from 3 to 2 children, or from 2 to 1, you don't see the maintenance drop by 1/3 or 1/2. It drops by much less than this. Mother is therefore continuing to get support (i.e. it increases for each remaining child). Father usually ends up paying more overall.

@Orangerocks university is not full time education and is therefore excluded by CMS. They are very clear on that.

That might be the case legally. But I’d like to understand why a medical / dental / vet med student who has classes 4.5 days a week and lectures to write up every evening and weekend isn’t a “ full time student “.

They also have much longer terms with only 8 weeks off in the summer and two weeks at Easter and Christmas ( to work for their exams ).

Yes, the father of such a student is well within his legal rights to not pay that child anything because “ they are not in full time education “. Yes of course the step mother can argue all she likes that the student should go out and pick up one of the well paid summer jobs that are easily available to teenagers who can only work for 8 weeks, rather than weekends and the long vacations like every other student.

Yes of course the students mother is legally entitled to say that they can’t come home at Easter / Christmas / summer unless they can afford to pay their way and get one of these elusive jobs. They could force them to present as homeless to the local council because they don’t want them home unless they can pay up.

They might have the law on their side. But if they do act like that, they should know that they will be judged by that student and by most other parents.

Because most RP try to meet their kids needs if they possibly can. They don’t spend all their money on holiday and other luxuries and then see if there’s a tiny bit spare for their kids.

RP whose kids are at uni are usually proud of their kids and do their best to support them when they can. Because, you know, they love their kids, they are not trying to do the legal minimum.

Not everyone can afford it of course. But the concept of affordability seems very different between RP and NRP here.

I think you may have missed the point of the thread @IM0GEN. The OP and many other posters have said that the nRP has made arrangements with the child directly to support financially.

But we'll done for getting on your high horse and bashing her anyway.

My DH paid his DC the same amount as the maintenance would have been for the time they were at uni. There was an expectation that they would give something to their Mum when they were back home. I'd hope they did, but that was between each of them and their Mum.

We also sent my DC money each month at uni, not a large amount, but they also had jobs from the first term until graduating.

Does the step child/adult not work?

But we'll done for getting on your high horse and bashing her anyway

I didn’t even mention the OP, I was talking more generally. I’d you read my post you will see I mention mothers, fathers and step parents.

It’s a discussion board, Im allowed to disagree. Just as you have disagreed with me. Cuts both ways.

But you only bashed the NRP for something they haven't done. Not a very balanced arefument

"Argument"

Agree with paying directly to the adult child. Also, regarding the rp having to pay for upkeep during uni hols, at 18+ they could choose to spend hols with the 'nrp' or split their time between homes, assuming the nrp maintains a home too.

@IM0GEN, many medical school students work, at least in their first 2 or 3 years. It depends on the course as some are more classroom led than others, but for some, it's normality, whether because they get little or nothing from their parents or because they are just happy to work and make a bit extra.

There's a big divide between parents who think they should provide £500 a month or more towards their kids and those who consider that they are adults and should support themselves. My experience is that it isn't always the better off who are the more likely to pay everything for their uni kids, by better off I mean those who are comfortable and could help, not those who are rich and for whom £500 is peanuts.

Children’s act provides that maintenance is payable to both RP and child themselves while they are in full time education (including university). Your dh should pay the maintenance he is supposed to. It’s pretty mean to stop paying for your children.

@IM0GEN - it’s not actually perfectly ok for the mother of a child to refuse to support her child. If she was not prepared to do so by letting the child live in her home, the child could get a court order for maintenance.

Ds gets the maintenance in full when at uni, when he's home I keep it but pay for all food etc and give money for socialising

I have skimmed the thread and had some proper laugh out loud moments.

I have worked FT my whole life, aside from a period last year when I took a sabbatical for 4 months to spend time with my children. Two months of those were when my children were not in school, so I lived the life of a SAHM.

Let me tell you, next to the life of a WOHM who also hauls ass to run a house and get to whatever recital/ concert / sports match they can, it was an absolutely lovely lifestyle. I got up, took the kids to school. And then had about 7 hours, every day, all to myself. I went to the gym. Had a great workout and a nice steam/ sauna. Relaxing coffee. Catch up with friends. Read some good books. Light housework. Prep some supper. Jobs a good un.
It was so good that for about (well the whole 2 months actually), I was convinced I was the stupid one. Who insisted on retaining a career and working. (Zero spousal support here). Whilst others (including my DP’s exw) are having an amazing lifestyle, funded entirely by him.

I have to also say that in this time i spent some time with some ex wives, whom are also the welcome recipients of spousal support. And I can assure you that they also thought I was an idiot. Because, they Are living remarkably stress free lifestyles without a care in the world. And hiding behind their children as an excuse to do so. They were very open about the fact that the last thing they would do is seek to find any source of work. In the main to make the ex ‘pay’.

So I am absolutely for a parent paying money directly to a child when they turn 18. And by 18 if they need a home to stay at, well, why can’t it be the parent who previously was paying the child maintenance? Who says that it’s the former RP’s home they must return to?

This idea that one parent can stay at home and raise children for these ridiculously long time spans and not retrain? It’s insanity. I mean I’m not surprised some of these parents panic when they see spousal support and/ or child support ending. If I was in their shoes I would too.

And I appreciate that there are a lot of NRP rubbish at paying maintenance. But my DP (and a lot of my circle) are not one of them. I have also had the attempts to come at my salary to sustain the EXW. Jesus wept. I mean, is there no shame at all?

@sassbott I completely agree. I was a SAHM for around 8 months when I was made redundant. Easiest job in the world, particularly if you’re being financially supported. In my case it was the redundancy package supporting me and my children, which obviously isn’t limitless so I had to return to work when the pot began to run low.
I can see why continuing spousal support could disincentivize women from supporting themselves in the long term.
I completely support women’s rights to marital assets and having their fair share of them to compensate for joint decisions which affected their earning potential during the marriage, such as child rearing. However, I know of women who divorced their husband whilst the children were toddlers/ very young children but still expect not to work well into their children’s teenage years. It is, of course, their choice to do this but the expectation from some ExWs that the father of their children should support them indefinitely is insane.
My DP for example supports his DC very generously (as he should) but he is constantly harangued by his Ex (never even married) for more and more money because “You know I don’t work, it’s so hard for us financially”.
To put it into context, she had a part time job for a short while but decided it was too much for her to work and look after the children who are now 11 and 15
Honestly, a lot of it is laziness and unwillingness to help themselves.

I say this as a divorced woman with 2 DCs so I am fully aware of the challenges of single parenthood.

@sassbott - that is without exception THE BEST summary & description of EVERYTHING!
So well put.

@sassnot totally agree, you've nailed that description, it's everything I hear about from my stepchildren

The argument of her having to have DS at home for 22 weeks of the year is between her and the adult child.
The adult child is fully capable of working and paying his own board.

I am shocked that it is still necessary to pay maintenance until this age! I was earning a wage age 16 despite still being in education and so was my older sister.

I was expecting a flaming. I’m sure it’s coming from the first wife brigade.
But whenever I hear a SAHM complain about how tough they have it? I challenge them to spend a day in my shoes. Up at 6am so I am ready for 6.50. Breakfast with kids. Out of door with youngest sometime between 7.25-7.50 (depending on how early my first meeting is). Drop them off, haul ass to the station. Commute to work. Work non stop for about 8-9 hours. Commute home to relieve nanny. Do chores for at least an hour (my nanny is amazing but can’t run my house).
Then do it again for another 4 days. On top of this, I maintain the house and garden. Pay bills. All the stuff that comes with running a home. Because I live alone.
Oh and that day is a normal day. I have much longer days which involve getting home much later.

And that’s why I get no spousal maintenance. So don’t tell me how hard done by the ones who claim spousal are. Trust me, if my ex paid me what my DP pays his well educated /professional qualified ex wife (who claims she can’t now possibly work)...I wouldn’t have to work either...

@bobstersmum - surely you must be aware that you are required to pay maintenance for children in full time education? That’s sad that you had to get a job at 16 but hardly the way things should be.