Ex expecting maintenance for DC at uni?

[Monst3ra]

DH has lowered ex's maintenance to account for eldest DC is now at uni. Ex has told DH that she is giving DC a monthly amount and she expects DH to now give her half of the amount she has decided to give DC.

DC is 19.

Is it unreasonable for DH to have agreed his own way of financially helping directly with DC rather than via ex?

However, this is a woman who asked for money from me as well as my partner as she wanted a mortgage?!

oh god!

dps ex wanted the same % of my wage as she got of dp's because "we had 2 wages" and she only had her PT one. Ahahahahahha, no.

In the same breath she would tell me how i'd never be allowed anywhere near DSS and how I was an awful person and a bad influence. Funny how my money was good enough though!

To be fair she relented on the "not seeing him ever over my dead body" thing because she realised fairly quickly she could try and use me as an on tap babysitter. Again, ahahahahah no.

oh my god this thread!

Did you know that less than half exes pay any maintenance for their CHILDREN? that maintenance could lift so many single parents out of poverty. That a single parent is twice as likely to be in poverty than a 2 parent family. These stories are so damaging.

fwiw my ex'es new partner doesn't allow my children into their house. They have to say in hotels. My ex frequently decides not to pay and will deduct money at will when he decides that he has done something extra. He barely sees the children. My partners ex still thinks he pays too much.

You all knew that your partner had children when you got together wtih him. The obligation to maintain the children outlasts the relationship.

You all sound so bitter and resentful.

@AnnaNimmity Typical response I'd expect really.

You will find women like me @Bollykecks and @Teenangels arent bitter about paying maintenance at all.

Nor are we upset that our partners have children from previous relationships.

If you actually read the comments you will see that we have all experienced ex's who have effectively tried to manipulate money for their own means.

I have no issue at all with my partner paying for his kids.

What I have a problem with is abusive emails demand that I pay money to ex from my own wage as well as my dp.

That is not my responsibility. It is her responsibility to cover her own costs as well as my partner contributing financially. BUT IT IS CERTAINLY NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!

You, I'm afraid are the bitter one. I will guess you get no maintenance and you have a chip on your shoulder about that.

Take your ex through a legal process in that case instead of attacking women who help financially provide for other people's kids.

anna well this thread isn't about children so that's irrelevant isn't it?

I know how many NRPs avoid paying maintenance, my dad did. My Dp however always has paid maintenance, and will continue to until DSS leaves Full Time Education. I don't see how us telling our own stories of greedy ex's is "damaging" - damaging to who?

Some NRP's are non paying twats, not denying that. But not all of them are. Some RP's are money grabbing lazy shites who know when they're on to a good thing. But again, not all of them are.

Your ex obviously isn't prioritizing your children and that is definitely a shame for them, but that doesn't negate any of our experiences.

You all knew that your partner had children when you got together wtih him. The obligation to maintain the children outlasts the relationship

I am not even sure what you're getting at here? Dp does maintain his child, that will finish at 18 as I said above. Our relationship wont end before then.

You all sound so bitter and resentful

well you do get a little resentful when you're paying for everything and the other party just cries poverty over and over again when you know that's not the case.

bitter though? Nope. Not at all. DP pays for his child and I am glad he does. The ex, however, is incredibly bitter and I imagine will stay that way.

I don't think some of the second wives here understand what sacrifices we made. I gave up my job, I cared for my kids (one has sn) so he could build his career (I didn't have a work permit when we lived overseas) I worked around school hours, managed the house, didn't miss a ballet recital or orchestra concert (he missed everything) I lost jobs because sn meant lots of calls from school... then just as life is getting easier he leaves with his 6 figure salary (we were on the bread line living off my inheritance and savings at first). I deserve every penny of my spousal maintenance, it's a reflection of the salary I would earn if he had pulled his weight as a dad and sacrificed his career even 20%!

stuck your sacrifices were your joint decision at the time, frankly, joint decisions between dp and his ex are no concerns of mine. They made decisions together, just as dp and I do now. If we ever split I certainly wouldn't expect his new GF to give a shit about whether I chose to give up my career or not!

I don't think anyones saying you don't "deserve" your spousal maintenance - and certainly nobody is saying that your children don't deserve child maintenance, what we are saying is that at 18 your child is an adult and doesn't need "maintaining" - and if the NRP chooses to maintain them it shouldn't go through the RP.

After 18 the RP isn't entitled to anything.

Again, you're having a go at us and how we don't understand when actually the problem is specifically your ex husbands attitude.

AND stuck a lot of second wives will do all the things you describe too, imagine that!

You all knew that your partner had children when you got together wtih him. The obligation to maintain the children outlasts the relationship

Uhuh, this one again.

I do know what I got into and at the last count my contribution towards 2 children that I didn't give birth to is in excess of £10,000. That's my personal contribution. I pay for the holidays, trips, days out, Christmas, dinners, clothes and recently a car.

I do this because my husband doesn't have any disposable income whatsoever. All of his "disposable" income is maintenance. How much more of an obligation to another woman's child is expected of me?

We had this written into our divorce agreement. Child support continues until they leave full time education. However if they are in full time education still when they turn 26 child support stops regardless.

I live abroad and this is standard here. Also ensures that the kid is not stuck in the middle and suffering if the ex spouse refuses to pay. When the payment is between ex spouses I would take him to court if he stopped as the legal agreement is between the 2 of us.

The amount he gives me does not cover 50% of my son’s living costs at Uni (which I pay) but I am glad to have it as a contribution.

I would urge anyone going through a divorce to try to get the same agreement written into your divorce agreement if possible. Makes life more predictable and easier.

You all knew that your partner had children when you got together wtih him.
The obligation to maintain the children outlasts the relationship
Yes, and that I can see nobody is saying men shouldnt financially provide for their children.

What many people are saying is that once the child is an adult and turns 18, the nature of that support will differ and their ex partner has zero right to expect to be bankrolled indefinitely. The support can (and often should) go directly to their child.

There is a fairly substantial difference between maintaining th CHILDREN and maintaining the EX.

@stucknoue how on earth is any decision you jointly made with your husband at the time anything to do with his now wife?

It is not.

You made those decisions together at the time. Now that you are not together you should be making decisions to cover your own costs.

This is why I completely agree with clean break divorces in most circumstances. I can see why you will receive spousal support however i don't believe that anyone should be financially dependent on anyone else in general.

Anna.
Your comment made me laugh I have 4 children with my ex, we split up he paid the bare minimum he could, am I bitter? No because that what he did. Could he have done more of course, but I didn’t see it as my money it was for our children. When we split up I took the majority of the responsibilities.
My partners ex is money grabbing, she got paid out x4 what my partner did, purchased a one bedroom flat, she and her teenage son shared a bedroom until about 4 years ago and he then had a sofa bed in the lounge, could she have afforded a mortgage? Yes of course, she got 100k in the bank, and my partners money paid for all the bills and lifestyle and if their child needed anything my partner paid half of the cost usually the whole amount.
Do I begrudge what he paid no of course not, it was for his child.

Will he pay his ex any money now, hell no as she is not my partners responsibility she is an adult..
If his child needs help at uni with anything my partner will be there, just like I am for my children.

@teenangels well said.

That is my overall issue. The financial dependence to fund their own personal lifestyle, not the needs of their kids.

If there is still a relationship and money passed to children directly when needed then what is the issue? There is none.

The issue is when ex becomes dependent on this money for their own means.

My dps ex couldn't for the life of her understand why the mortgage broker refused to accept my dps maintenance payment as her income. When it was explained that this wasnt a secure, lifelong personal wage or income all hell broke loose.

I cannot for the life of me understand that attitude.

@stucknoue, I think most of us woman know that the first wife did. Remember I was also married before, gave up work for my children, one of mine also had special needs, the difference is that I don’t see my ex as a cash cow that should go on giving because we had children.
All parents be it mother or fathers should pay for their children, but not the ex’s especially past school leaving age.
My partners ex is so full of hate and rage that it must wear her down..

the maintenance I receive for the children (I don't get spousal maintenance) is taken into account for my mortgage. And so it should be. I have to live in a big house (have lots of children) which I wouldn't need if I didn't have the children with me. Very few lenders do take maintenance into account, but often a court order is more stable than employment.

I would say a larger proportion of my income goes on the kids than my exes. But he and his partner still have massive resentment that he is paying it. And like a pp says, there is no acknowledgement of the fact that I am doing all the parenting, all the appointments, all of everything. Really? The maintenance alone isn't worth the sheer amount of work. (and yes, I work full time on top of this).

I can only imagine what his gf says when she sees my instagram posts or whatever. the pair of them think I'm living the life of riley on his money.

Surely whether a uni student is considered still a child or an adult, one matter that can't be argued is that they've reached an age they should learn to manage their own money. So why would any resident parent resent the money going directly to their kid?

Is the issue really that it should go to them or that nrp see it as their chance to finally stop paying anything or a pittance happy for the rp to fork the full financial responsibility.

@annanimmity that may very well be the case in your situation and I understand it must be very difficult for you to be doing the majority of all the heavy lifting. I really do.

But the points we were making above has nothing to do with children not deserving maintenance or bitterness at providing maintenance. It was a discussion about women who were trying to manipulate money from exps to fund things that don't relate to the children or their relationship with their father.

If my dp had ever told me he refused to pay for his kids I would have very quickly walked away. People like that are a disgrace.

But that wasnt the particular issue we were discussing at the time.

*Well sahps even with school age children tend to run a house. You know, cook, clean, do life admin run errands etc.

Students dont. Its not comparable.

And also sahps arent asking their parents to fund them. They're a family. Its family money a joint decision between a couple.*

Wow who knew that students don’t need to cook, clean or do admin, or that parents and children don’t count as being a family

Who feeds and houses the 19yo in the 18 weeks of uni holidays?

Because if it’s the ex I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some support during the holidays still? But that could potentially be given direct to the 19yo who could then pay his mum some board money in holidays. 19yos eat a lot!

But surely spousal maintenance is agreed on divorce? Don't you know about that when you meet your partner? I appreciate that things change, and that what might have seemed reasonable when you were dating, doesn't when you have kids together. But still. You knew what you were getting into? I wouldn't date someone with young children and an ex wife. I'm not willing to get into all of that stuff that comes with it all.

And yes I know that some exes are greedy. Just like some (most in fact) ex dads don't pay anything. But surely most of us are just trying to bring up children on not enough money - particularly when there is a new family involved.

Oh for goodness sake @Dontdisturbmenow read the experiences some women have had with exps.

This is nothing to do with not wanting to pay money to the child.

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby

The current maximum studen loan is £8700, based on parental income. My DN received this amount plus a couple of additional grants as my dsis is a single parent on a lowish income.
His Halls cost £4200, leaving him with £4500 to live on whilst at Uni, i.e. Approx £120 a week. He had a job in the summer and saved up an equal amount so lived very well.
But thanks for comment!

No, not correct really.

Maintenance is due until the child leaves full time education. What should happen is that your DH pays maintenance just the same as always, and that amount covers his contribution to his child being housed at his ex's all the time they're not at Uni, plus any allowance to his DD. He could negotiate the proportion of maintenance he thinks should go directly to the DD if he wants to send money directly to her,. but he can't insist and Ex also cannot insist that the amount he gives should change as the DD needs an allowance.

The ex can't instantly downsize, get a smaller mortgage, rent her dd's room to lodgers now she's at uni. If anything, her costs will increase - far more expensive to fund them at uni than have them at home. Until the DD is able to contribute for herself and isn't in full time education, maintenance is payable to the parent who supports her!

@Stupiddriver1 I totally agree and dont see how that would be an issue for anyone previously posting.

@AnnaNimmity I dont think you understand. This isn't about payments we knew our partners would need to provide. This is about exps taking the piss.

However. I agree, everyone should just be acting for the good of their kids and family.

What absolute rubbish @AnnaNimmity ‘ Just like some (most in fact) ex dads don't pay anything’. Where do you get this FACT from?