Ex expecting maintenance for DC at uni?

[Monst3ra]

DH has lowered ex's maintenance to account for eldest DC is now at uni. Ex has told DH that she is giving DC a monthly amount and she expects DH to now give her half of the amount she has decided to give DC.

DC is 19.

Is it unreasonable for DH to have agreed his own way of financially helping directly with DC rather than via ex?

I don't think your dh should have to pay for uni child.

They don't live there most of the time and at 19, are more than able to get a job to help cover the expense of them living there.

At 19, it's their responsibility to contribute to the house they are living in.

@AnnaNimmity, the DC gets a job to help their DM. They can still study and get a part time job.

Or perhaps stay with the DF when they are on holidays.

This is an adult we are talking about here yet some posters are treating them as if they are still a child!

I'd never dream of asking my ex for maintenance when our DC go to uni. Yes, I'd expect him to financially assist them if he could, but then I would do the same. If neither of us were in a position to help then they would have to take responsibility of their finances through grants/loans and part time work.

Surely its important to instill responsibility for their own lives in these young adults?

The father's obligation is pay maintenance to house and feed the child. Why shouldn't the father continue to pay the mother to fund the housing costs?

well, the child isn't actually a child. Its an adult.

the mother can choose to downsize now that she has no dependent children if she wishes. Its not up to her ex to fund her a bigger house so that another adult can live there in the holidays.

I had a job throughout university, but didn't give my mum any payment for rent. My ds has a job, but again, I wouldn't ask him for rent. He uses it for his maintenance - my ex is spectacularly crap at paying him. For various reasons he can't stay at my exes. He needs a home to come back to throughout the year, and unless my ex is housing him, them my ex should help to fund that. He's learning how to support himself, and taking responsibility, but a bar job or whatever isn't going to be enough to fully support him.

Once he leaves university, if he has a job and lives at home, I'd expect him to pay me for board and my ex would have no responsibility for him at all.

My 19 year old children who are at university aren't adults. Sorry. They're on the way to becoming adults, but they aren't.

I wasn't when I was 19.

I can only choose to downsize if I don't provide a house for my university children to live in for 22 weeks of the year.

anna your son is an adult. Neither you or his dad have to give him anything.

Your ex shouldn't have to help you pay your mortgage so that you can house another working adult.

If you don't ask him for board, that's your decision but why you then expect his dad to make up for that is beyond me.

It really is no wonder so many people grow up expecting everything handed to them on a plate.

anna legally, a 19yo is an adult.

I bought a house at 19.

19 is very much an adult, though if you treat them like babies they will act like it.

He isn't. He's a student.

He's learning how to live away from home, and I'm supporting him in that - it doesn't happen overnight. Nor can it. He has a student job. By year 3 I expect he will be more self sufficient, but he's not there yet.

I don't know any 19 year old that is an adult. I don't know any 19 year old that doesn't still see their parents home as their home.

(and yes I expect 100s of people to come on and say that they were living on their own, with a full time job, and a baby at 19 - my son isn't. He's a student. If he was in a full time job, I'd have a different view and expect him to pay rent to me if he lived at home).

just because you personally don't know any 19yos that don't act like children, doesn't mean there aren't any. Perhaps your 19yos act like children because you let them live like children? or treat them like children?

I worked FT from 16. I bought a house at 19, had a child at 21.

Not everyone swans off to uni funded by mummy and lives for free, some of us do grow up before the age of 25!

I don't think we should be encouraging 19yos to be "children"

you're legally an adult at 18. there is a reason for that!

Sorry Anna but your dc are adults. The gradually learning to be independent should have happened way before now, during their teenage years. They’re young adults and it’s nice that they still have parental support and of course I’ll support my dc in any way I can no matter how old they are. But they’re adults.

I don’t subscribe to the view that XH should support the mother’s housing costs. I say that as someone divorced with dc. XH has to provide a home for them, so do I, that’s how it works. We don’t have 50:50 but the dc do have two homes.

At university maintenance does need to be looked at, unless the dc has a full maintenance loan, the shortfall needs to be split in some way between the parents, but there needs to be recognition that the resident parent is still providing a home, plus meals etc for when they aren't in university (the exact proportion of the year varies but a bedroom is reserved). We work it that I receive the money from him, I then pay my dc's allowances, travel home and permanent housing costs until they finish their masters.

Kids at university still need money, it's about time statutory child maintenance is increased to 22/23 and in full time education

"kids at university" ?

kids don't go to university - adults do.

Anna do you expect your ex to pay to keep a house for 22 weeks a year, indefinitely?

Uni rent is for 42 weeks.
So an child at uni has accommodation from Sept to almost the end of June.
They can work the summer, instead of staying in.

Oh and support dc at uni?

Ps our agreement is private but my solicitor friend said we could have it notarised or whatever to make it enforceable, same goes for the spousal maintenance agreed between us though he is a higher income earner

If he wants to support his son he should do it directly. Ex can piss off.

I consider my 19yo an adult. She is at Uni and working whatever hours she can up there. When she's home, she works ft. I give them some pocket money, and pay for their phone and car insurance (which they need for work).

A resident parent should have no issue with any money from the nrp going directly to their uni child unless they do intend on using it for themselves. They can ask the student to pay something during the holidays if they wish too.

I do think it is mean for an nrp not to provide any financial help to their uni kid in some way unless they have no contact at all.

Depends. If going direct is a way of avoid paying half the costs then he is being unreasonable. If he is paying half the cost directly to DC then that is reasonable. DM shouldn’t be footing more than half the bill.

I think this is a resounding agreement chorus that the ex does sound unreasonable.

I got my first full time job at 18 and paid 25% of my pay cheque to my parents. At 21 I moved out entirely. If the DC chooses to go to further education then they should not just expect it to be handed to them on a plate.

I'm not sure exactly why anyone would expect the ex to pay to his ex the maintenance anymore. Surely that's a negotiation that needs to take place between two adults in the mother's home. For that reason by all means pay the correct amount to the student, not to the ex wife who should adapt to the change in circumstances accordingly

but what are "half" the costs of a uni student? you would never be able to agree on what "half" really was!

It's quite sad that her father doesn't want to support his daughter even at uni.

He should be supporting his child but it should be between him and his child with no involvement from his ex.

It's not for his ex to be dictating amounts of money to support a university aged student.