Ex expecting maintenance for DC at uni?

[Monst3ra]

DH has lowered ex's maintenance to account for eldest DC is now at uni. Ex has told DH that she is giving DC a monthly amount and she expects DH to now give her half of the amount she has decided to give DC.

DC is 19.

Is it unreasonable for DH to have agreed his own way of financially helping directly with DC rather than via ex?

I have 2 kids at uni, from the 31st of August any Child support that my ex paid for them stopped, it is up to them to sort out with their dad if he pays them, I still give them money if and when they need it... Just like if we were still together we would give them money if needed.
My new partners ex wife, feels that she should be still getting the 1k of maintenance per month even though her child is at uni, she has no mortgage or other dependents at home she just likes the life style. My partner has now spoken to his son and explained if he needs anything to contact him and he will give him what he needs.

booboo tight?!

I honestly don't believe its "tight" to expect an adult to stand on their own two feet and fund themselves through uni considering that is a decision they make on their own.

Don't get me wrong, if DS goes to uni we may well support him - if we want to, and in the way we want to and if he even needs us to!

If he expected money from us for anything I would be disappointed and think I had done a crap job at parenting frankly.

I think you can be a bit "tight" when you've spent years funding two households. I speak on behalf of both of us when we've paid for every trip, every holiday, cars, clothes that fulfil both homes needs and pocket money on top of maintenance.

There's no more need for this student, but a lot of want. And want doesn't extend to living frugally as all students tend to when they have to fund themselves.

It's lovely if you can afford to pay their rent so that they have the luxury of 3 years of extra childhood money saving bliss but we're not of the belief that it's good practice to do so.

I think you can be a bit "tight" when you've spent years funding two households. I speak on behalf of both of us when we've paid for every trip, every holiday, cars, clothes that fulfil both homes needs and pocket money on top of maintenance

I can totally understand this. Us too. We pay maintenance and all the extras, not just our half if you like. Dp paid mortgage and maintenance for about 3 years after moving out as well.

I can imagine if dss goes to uni (which I doubt but you never know) that we will be getting asked for cash left right and centre, even though he would get the max maintenance loan because his mum doesn't earn a great deal. I can guarantee you that she wouldn't contribute a penny but she would absolutely expect us to "because you have 2 wages coming in"

well yes, but of those 2 wages, only one is dss parents wage, and we also have our own mortgage to pay and a younger child to fund as well. Ex doesn't have any younger children and will only have to pay for herself and also has tiny mortgage courtesy of dp willingly the idiot leaving with a v small amount of equity.

My ds1 has just finished up a 4 year degree & has witnessed all sorts of financial situations while at uni. He had friends who were barely getting by on grants & pt work, & friends who were living at home & being fully funded by mummy & daddy with no expectation of work or contribution. Ds was somewhere in the middle in that his pt job didn't have to pay for essentials just extras, but he was expected to work ft during the holidays. Ds said with only one exception all the people he knew being funded by mummy & daddy without any expectation of contribution/work were clueless & suffering severe arrested development. The one exception was a guy he knew whose dad was a self made man & while very well off gave his son a monthly allowance which this guy supplemented with work, & no more than my ds if the allowance ran out before the end of the month through bad budgeting - tough.
I also can understand the feeling tight thing. My exdp's ex refused point blank to work even though the kids are now all teens/young adults and as I mentioned upthread dp wants them to go to third level (if they want) so has to fund it all himself - that's his choice & her choice but I watched that man exhaust himself over the past six years funding everything & it was hard to watch. His eldest is now in college & refusing to work last I heard, which exdp is letting him get away while he himself still puts in 12-14 hour days!
I tell you the whole thing made ME feel tight & I couldn't stay & watch it any longer.
Exdp was always moaning about a generation of snowflakes while being totally oblivious to the fact that he was creating his own three snowflakes .
There's a big difference between supporting adult children & enabling them & a lot of parents so the latter while thinking they're doing the former.

there's a big difference between supporting adult children & enabling them & a lot of parents so the latter while thinking they're doing the former

yes Magda that is exactly it!

Some fathers think they are exempt after their child turns 18.
Going to uni is expensive and the ex still has a home to provide for the dc.
he should be upping it not lowering it.

legally drabarni they are exempt. As are mothers!

Going to Uni is expensive, and that, my dear is why student loans exist. Its also why a great many students work PT alongside studying.

Why on gods green earth should he be upping the maintenance to the mother? She wont even be housing the child adult for most of the year?

Ex stopped paying maintenance for DD when she turned 18, however, has has continued to pay half the amount to her directly while she’s at uni.

Just to throw in that the government and public services increasingly recognise that young people aren’t actually fully adult until 25. There is still brain development happening in the period 18-25. This recognition isn’t universal, but it is coming.

For example, there is now guidance that young people leaving local authority care should be able to stay on in foster care post 18 because it is recognised that most young people receive ongoing financial support and guidance from their families during this period, especially if they are studying.

I also believe that 18 year olds cannot now get benefits to live independently?

People who left home and bought a house at 19 were probably doing it in a different economic climate!

University is not classed as higher education. Its classed as voluntary further education.

Your husband is totally in the right to deal directly with his DC and give an amount he wants, when he wants.

maybe I bought my first house in 2014 - not that different a climate than now!

@Teenangels I have seen this increasingly too.

I believe the problem here with ex's is that they become dependent on the maintenance payment to fund their own personal bills/lifestyle (not the dcs costs) and when it comes round to stopping payment they see this as money THEY are losing.

My partners ex has already asked what she will do when maintenance stops to her...sorry, not our problem!

Well, that is quite unusual! Was it in an expensive area of the country?

frank yep I agree with that, dps ex definitely sees the maintenance as "her money" and for all intents and purposes, it is and she can do what she wants with it. However, it will stop. Unfortunately for her, at the same time it stops, she will also owe dp a small chunk of money (low thousands) in equity from her house. She doesn't save anything, has no credit rating to get a loan etc, and has asked us numerous times "how we expect her to live with no maintenance and pay that much" - not a clue, but she's gonna have to do it!

She will have no dependents.. so in theory she should be fine, but she will also lose tax creds / UC which ever she claims and child benefit at the same time, so I think it will all come as a big shock to her.

maybe not unusual in my circle, we are in Yorkshire so by no stretch an expensive area, but wages are low as well to reflect that!

I just saved my arse off because I knew what I wanted!

a uni student who know mummy and daddy will transfer them more money each month probably will not learn to budget because they don't need to. Why would you budget if you knew your mum and dad would bail you out each time?

Because many parents are able to walk the line that is support as well as bring up their children to be responsible adults? Why the sarcastic ‘mummy and daddy’? I always knew my parents would help me if I was in dire straits. I also knew that I would be on my own if all I did was drink and party. Because, you know, they were capable parents who brought me up to be responsible.

if you know someone is going to bail you out, or keep sending you money for 3 years you probably are more likely to be less responsible with money than someone who actually works for it

Any evidence for that? That having your parent’s support is more likely to make you financially irresponsible than someone who doesn’t? I suspect people affected by serious debt issues come from all walks of life.

A one-bed flat is about £200k where I live, so probably out of reach of most 19 year olds.

Same here @Bollykecks. Ex has minimal mortgage (if indeed one at all) and a part time job with one more DSC over the age of 16.

We've said that if DSC wants to come and live with us whilst at uni she's welcome to. But whilst the ex is working part time the debate falls on deaf ears for ongoing maintenance payments

sotired just because you were responsible and your parents were amazing, doesn't mean everyone is the same.

A lot of posters on MN alone infantilise their adult children so so much, and a lot of those posters are the same ones that think throwing money at something will make it go away.

I am not saying its not possible for a student fully funded by mum and dad cant be responsible with money, I am just saying its more likely that if they know they can just keep on asking for more that they will.

I personally know of someone a year younger than me, who has never worked a day in her life because she knows her parents will continue to pay her a "wage" to sit on her arse at home. She has "tried" many different things, but never sticks at them because she knows she doesn't have to. Her parents are always there to fall back on, she has an expectation that they will fund her lifestyle.

The expectation is the bit that's an issue.

if you have the money - by all means do whatever you want with it.

I just think its crap to assume that your parents will fund your 3 years at uni. You shouldn't assume that they will help you at all when you're an adult.

I love my mum, I know full well that if I was in dire straits she would do what she could to help me, but would I expect it? no, because i'm not an entitled brat, and I know she has her own shit to deal with and her own mortgage to pay and whatever else.

@Bollykecks, @Frankola, @Teenangels - a bit off topic but I definitely think something needs to be done regarding maintenance payments to non working rp's of school age children as the system in place really isn't good for women in the long run.
My exdp's ex is in a similar situation. She's now realising the maintenance will eventually stop and is panicking & getting solicitors involved (to no avail). Exdp pays a lot of maintenance & all that has done is let her live off it (even though it's for the dc) so she hasn't HAD to work & therefore has had no incentive to work or train. She's now facing into a future having been out of the workforce for 20 years & with no relevant qualifications. I honestly think less maintenance & a govt funded incentive for mothers to get back into training/work would be so much better for women in general.
I have always worked and as such my exh was order to give me much less maintenance for our dc than exdp was ordered to give his ex because as a working woman I was fully expected to contribute to the financial needs of our kids - a pain in the ass at times but at least I know I can support myself once the kids have left & maintenance is gone.
I'm not for one minute dissing sahm - I was one myself when my dc were small - but I think staying out of the workforce long term is really bad for women in the long run, & in separated/divorced situations this is propped up by large maintenance payments to sahm's even when the kids are in school.
I should say I'm in Ireland & maintenance is calculated differently to in the UK - I think.

I tend to agree that it doesn't really help women in the long run. Dps ex does work, but not FT hours, though prev to him leaving she had never worked. Ever.

Her youngest child is 15 so she could up her hours, but she doesn't because she obv yets more TCs/UC so its almost pointless (fine, cant blame her for that!)

so when he eventually turns 18 like I say she will lose TC's or UC, Child Benefit and child maintenance all in one go. She will have to up her hours I assume. Though I don't think that would make up the shortfall.

I on the other hand have worked my whole life, took 9 months maternity and went back to work FT because should me and DP ever split (unlikely but you never know!) I wanted to be certain I could stand on my own 2 feet.

My dps ex works at a school. Because she likes the lifestyle. My scs are teenagers and get left alone over night etc so she could easily work full time and earn a higher wage. She also has a partner who's kids are grown so he doesnt pay any maintenance to them and he works full time.

Despite this, she seems to think it's my partners responsibility to give her money. It's definitely an attitude of entitlement. She gets very panicky when she talks of it ending.

However, this is a woman who asked for money from me as well as my partner as she wanted a mortgage?!

She also used to have my dp put our scs maintenance money directly into her brothers account as he had bought her a car and she was using my partners maintenance money to pay him back!

In a way I'm looking forward to not putting money into her bank account anymore as that way we will know our scs are actually getting it, and it may give her a short sharp jolt to reality.

Magda, I completely agree, my partner gave his ex £250,000 to get a mortgage she decided to buy a one bedroom flat and have no mortgage prices were really low.
My partner gave her 1k a month paid half of everything travel, uniforms etc. He would also get a call for new trainers, phones etc.
His ex is completely mad that he is not paying the money directly to her, and can’t understand why he doesn’t keep paying her (not their child) until he has found a full time job.
My partner gave over and above what he should have paid but because it was his child he would do anything for his son.
Some ex’s are just out for all they can get, my partners ex hates the fact that we are buying a house together, or that we go on holiday as far as she sees it, it is her money that we are spending.