Ex expecting maintenance for DC at uni?

[Monst3ra]

DH has lowered ex's maintenance to account for eldest DC is now at uni. Ex has told DH that she is giving DC a monthly amount and she expects DH to now give her half of the amount she has decided to give DC.

DC is 19.

Is it unreasonable for DH to have agreed his own way of financially helping directly with DC rather than via ex?

@stucknoue

Well done. However, no one forced you to pack your job in did they? You had an inheritance, could afford for your children to have ballet and music lessons, had a spouse who earned a pretty decent salary. So you chose to not work.

I, and many of my friends, chose to not depend financially on someone else. We chose to remain in work after having children, pay our pension contributions, have our own financial independence.

I'm not saying that your ex shouldn't pay for his children, but for you who had a nice cosy life with him, I don't think so.

It’s pretty sad how many dads are so keen to wash their hands of their kids at 18.

And no, I don’t mean those who can’t AFFORD to support them. I mean those who can afford it but don’t because they think it’s a way of getting back at their ex. Dressed up in some kind of pathetic moralising about how they are adults and can fend for themselves.

And those of you who are step mums who support this kind of behaviour - just remember this when he’s dumped you for wife no. 3 and OW is on here complaining about what a lazy ungrateful witch you are are.

fizzy university isnt counted as full time education by Cms. Stops at college. Everything you said was false.

But surely spousal maintenance is agreed on divorce? Don't you know about that when you meet your partner? I appreciate that things change, and that what might have seemed reasonable when you were dating, doesn't when you have kids together. But still. You knew what you were getting into? I wouldn't date someone with young children and an ex wife. I'm not willing to get into all of that stuff that comes with it all

None of us are talking about spousal maintenance. Dp wasnt married to ex so no divorce anyway. I knew he paid cms and was happy about that. I also know it stops at 18.

And no, I don’t mean those who can’t AFFORD to support them. I mean those who can afford it but don’t because they think it’s a way of getting back at their ex. Dressed up in some kind of pathetic moralising about how they are adults and can fend for themselves

Whos said anything about doing it to get at their ex? Maintenance stops at 18 so it wouldn't be getting back at anyone would it

18yos are adults. Ones at uni should be able to fend for themselves. If they cant they probably shouldn't be going.

And no, I don’t mean those who can’t AFFORD to support them. I mean those who can afford it but don’t because they think it’s a way of getting back at their ex.
Dressed up in some kind of pathetic moralising about how they are adults and can fend for themselves.

Sigh.
Supporting their child directly is not wiping their hands of their child. It's just providing financial support and other means of support directly to their child instead of paying their ex.

Unfortunately, if someone expects to use child maintenance to cover their basic bills then they have to know that will end when their child is no longer a child and plan accordingly. It's hardly shocking news that the kids will become adults.

@KristinaM
Wow, I am a second wife and I have also been a first wife, when my ex decided to fall into another woman’s vagina. I have also put my children first and have never used the money my ex gave me for the children to find my lifestyle.
My partner now is still giving his son money when he is at uni, he will not give that money to his ex as he does have to contribute to her life. Lots of people here are saying they have to live in a big house because of the children, you probably got a settlement reflecting that. Also the father of your children needs to be also housed.

@NorthernSpirit sadly it's not rubbish. Read the Gingerbread website for stats.

And you only have to read many of the lone parent or relationship threads on here to see that many many resident parents get nothing from the fathers of their children.

Anyway, fwiw, I have nothing against my ex supporting my children direct through university - and I expect my children to work as well. (and they both do, the older ones). For us its in our order and my ex also agreed that he'd support the children until they finish university. His partner presumably knew that, but still feels the need now to try to revoke that agreement.

I agree with whoever said that growing up is a process - you don't suddenly become grown up at 18. the parents job is to support and encourage that process. Both of my older children have grown into amazing young adults. I personally will continue to give some money to my children while they are are university.

anna

In the same breath you only have to read step parenting threads to realise loads off first wives are greedy bitter women. Doesnt mean id day "most" are like that.

I dont find mn represents real life v often.

I know @bollykecks most of us are trying to put the kids first whether we're evil first wives or evil absent fathers/stepmothers. Mn is not representative. Still, in an increasingly expensive world, a majority of absent fathers aren't paying enough (or any) maintenance for whatever reason and it's the children that are suffering.

So here's the crux of it,
If a nrp wants to provide money directly to their child to help support them through further education, that is fine.

So, the rp should understand that this money will no longer go to them directly and make allowances for that accordingly.

It isn't difficult.

And @KristinaM this is not about women trying to take anything out on exp. This is about making sure the support is going where it is needed. The child.

18 year old are adults. Ones at uni should be able to fend for themselves. If they cant they probably shouldn't be going
Certainly wasn't like that when I was at uni. I arrived home every Christmas with a full rucksack and an empty wallet. I had a job in the summer but couldn't have paid rent and all bills with it.

hopeless your student loan should cover rent and bills, no?

Student loan often doesn’t even cover rent. Rents at my local uni are between 5k-7k in halls. Some students will get minimum loan amount which is about 5.3k.

I see. It is a choice to stay in halls though. You can go to uni and stay at home.

You can go to uni and stay at home

And if the course you want isn’t offered at your local uni? Or you are not within a reasonable commute of any uni?

Then you pick something else? Or you study through open university? Or get a job and save up for a while? Search for cheaper accommodation and travel in?

If your parents want to pay your rent for 3 years, great. Expecting them to is very entitled.

My DH will stop payments to exP when DSC turns 18... but.. he has diligently paid as much as possible into a child trust fund and DSC will get about £40,000 cash when they turn 18. It was DH’s way of prepping to support DSC but we both have a hunch that DSC’s mum will ‘borrow’ the money.

The student loans don't often come close to covering rent costs at the moment, however that is separate to giving money to an ex.
Both parents should be supporting their child appropriately and what that looks like will depend on circumstances (eg 19 year old on a course with 8 hours contact time can reasonably get a part time job Vs 19 year old in labs for 25 hours a week or on professional placement / allowance from parents for living costs etc).

That's a very hard attitude. 18 isn't that old and I would rather my dc got a degree if that's what they want than had to do a less suitable job just to pay rent.
Two separated parents should do whatever they would do if you lived together still - would you say "you're on your own son" at 18? Then, crack on. If you would continue to support a young adult if you had stayed with the mother/father, then that is what you should do.
I suspect for some who don't want to it's because they have family #2 still at home to pay for.

This is nothing to do with not wanting to pay money to the child
It might not be in your case but it is far from unusual. Two of my friends have to support their uni kids alone because their dad have stopped paying anything once they didn't have to any longer. And one of my colleague regularly goes on about how he is so relieve he won't have to pay a penny anymore from next Summer and that if his son decides to go to Uni, and openely says that if his son wants to go to Uni, his rich mum can pay for it because he won't.

Sadly such fathers do exist.

The government expects parents to make up loan shortfall. Which is why the amount of money allowed depends on parents earnings.

Which I've always thought unfair for students who may then have parents who refuse to help.

hopeless ive already said we might choose to help dss and ds. So one step child and one bio child. I think the same for both.

Id be very very annoyed if either of them signed up for uni fully expecting me and their dad to pay for it. Id expect them to have thought through how to do it on their own and if we then offered to help out on top to be grateful.

You "suspect" very wrong.

@Bollykecks this is our problem. DSD signed up for uni expecting to fund the majority through a student loan and part time work. The ex then told my DH that his contribution wasn't enough because it needs to go to her, not to DSD.

All discussions with the ex regarding our contribution at this stage are irrelevant to us. We're supporting DSD now not the ex

NRTFT but CMS has to be paid until the child is 20 if still in full time education, so this includes uni. Doesn’t matter where they live or if they’ve got a job

NRTFT but CMS has to be paid until the child is 20 if still in full time education, so this includes uni.
Full time education for CMS is school or college level, not higher education.

So a child who resits a year at FE college or 6th form would attract child maintenance until they leave at 19, but a child who finishes college study at 18 stops being eligible on leaving their college programme.