Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

so your dh is planning to palm his children off again to his parents for FFS have either of you not got any empathy or thought for teh dc at all??
your DH should be sorting out residency of the dc so he can give them stability not all this yo yoing and as you bth earn so much in the 'city' then get a property big enough for your whole family ....

or is he planning on dumping them back with their mum when their financial battle (as this is what it sounds like he threatens to cut off cash she dumps dc on him ..no doubt hes trying to arrange some financial package ) is over...?

am glad you're fininacially independent as your DH is not coming across well in this

Cross posted there.

Tbh I find it really hard to relate to you and your husband. Your attitudes to your children are far outside what I am used to.

Has your counsellor suggested there might be something else going in here?

His ex will definitely return when it suits her but No way is he letting dss go to her full time when she has behaved like this (a position i completely agree with).

That's more of a reason to put the work into your relationship with them.

Non of this is the 9 years fault.

If you version is accurate, it still doesnt make any of it his fault.

Mum is 'crazy', stopped him seeing and having a proper relationship with his dad, turned him against the step mum, the step mum marrying a man with kids despite not being willing to accept full time care of him, his father and step mum having another child, his living abandoning him.

Non of this is his doing.

If you dh is likely to retain custody permanently and you cant be bothered working on the relationship, then you need to go. Because this child needs a stable living home. Not one filled with tension because an adult in the household is fed up.

I’m sure they have noticed their mothers contempt for me and this is why they have been downright rude to me on occasion

I am equally sure they have noticed their step mother’s contempt for their mother so why not be downright rude?

I never speak about their mother to them

Why not? Why not show some interest in them and the life they have when not with you? Why not reassure them now that mum loves them but for whatever reason, she’s feeling she can’t be with them but that’s OK because dad and I will care for you and make sure you have everything you need?

Just noticed your husband wasn’t speaking to his parents because they were so opposed to this lady, yet he wanted to send the children to live with them?

I am sorry, your husband seems to be an insensitive selfish bastard.

I’m more than happy to have dss here permanently as I can see it doesn’t do him any good being moved around - 2 kids easier to handle than 3!
Dh only began speaking to his parents once he met me, at my request. Since then his kids and my bil’s kids have been staying at their house every summer. All happy families now..
I’ve been told they had 3 kids as ex w was ‘desperate for a boy’ and even though tyr marriage was allegedly a mess before this, dh keen to salvage marriage . Make of that what you will. It’s none of my business and only something I went into as a response to a comment here.
Dh prefers us not to refer to the ex with his kids and they have clearly been coached not to mention her to us (as evidenced on several occasions with younger stepchild).

Absolutely no way would dh let dss live with ex w again permanently again and I am with on this. Also it was the ex who wanted rp status originally to the point where she refused access to the then 3 year old dss (this was before withholding access to all 3 just after our marriage). I think people are finding it difficult to understand just his manipulative and nasty the ex is. I know I did for years.

@TiddyTid - I absolutely agree. In addition, OP, if your husband is resistant to 'family counselling', can you suggest counselling for the kids? This could help your relationship.

Both you and the kids need acceptance and stability. The ex has abandoned them. Take it to Court and ensure your DH has legal custody so she can't come back and try and change everything.

It's so hard when it's completely unexpected but your relationship with the kids can turn around and that will help your marriage. I really hope it does.

I am trying very hard to be nice to the kids and am helping out, but beyond that, it is not my place and neither can I replace the love of their mother. A counsellor once told me that a blended family is like a triangle with the parent with the ‘previous’ family at the apex and the kids/new partner on the other sides. Both could happily live without the other anc therefore it is important for the apex parent to spend time alone with stepkids/partner. I give my dh plenty of alone time with my skids and have in fact offered to take out sd on various occasions cinema etc, she is not interested.

So you wint let him live with his mother, but also wont work on a relationship with hims and will single him out by doing things like taking your son away with dh and leaving him at home?

That's is actually quite awful.

If dss is going to be a permanent resident in your dh and your eyes you have no option but to make more effort. Does dh not pull him up if rude? Do you all interact? Not sure why a football match stopped you going away yet him being in school doesn't. You don't have all 3 there full time if one is away at uni.

It’s not my decision whether he lives with his mother or not, it’s the decision of my dh. I would support him if he chooses to pursue the rp route if and when the ex decides to appear.
Not awful at all - there is only do much you can do as a stepmother. The kids don’t want you around and In this case, just want their mum back. I cannot replace their mum. I can only support them as stepmother (and we know how much flack we get as those too). Expecting a blended family to function as bio family is completely unrealistic. We do the best we can to ensure everyone is happy

'do not see the point of wasting my energy on kids whom view me as the enemy.'

If you can see a traumatised, bed-wetting child who is a sibling of your child and part of your husband, and not feel compassion and want to try and protect them and nurture them, you need to get counselling or support and consider leaving the home. This is not a normal human reaction to a child in need.

Dh has different ideas about what is rude and has been Disney land dad for a long time. The holiday was changed as it was my dss first football match and he wanted my dh to watch - fair enough. Even now dh wants me or our nanny to ‘discipline’ dss as apparently dss doesn’t listen to him (dss has always been difficult, been babied by his mother to the point where he couldn’t wipe himself after going to toilet at age 6 and crying at the dinner table if he didn’t get attention)

Of course I dint want a child to suffer. It pains me too. But there are limits to what o can do. I cannot give the same love or feel the same way as his mother. All the stepmother advice out there is just that politeness and respect is usually enough for the step parent/skid relationship. If you are lucky enough to have a better relationship, that is a bonus.

He is a young child feeling insecure and in distress. He probably will be defensive and put barriers up. What has your dh done to help him deal with that? Make him feeling wanted, included? If the situation changes you will continue to have contact and a positive relationship can only help everyone long term.

'It’s the constant emotional see sawing and shifting position, using kids as pawns that i find difficult to handle .'

It sounds like when you look at or think about the children, you see the mother and your negative feelings about her affect you.

Posts crossed, you have a dh problem more than a dsc problem He needs to step up, create boundaries and be at their level. He cannot delegate his responsibilities and expect everyone to get along. You may need to adjust your expectations if your childcare experience is limited to your 2 yo.

Yes, most likely that I see the mum when I look at the kids (especially as they have been rude to me in the past and look like her, they are mixed race as ex w is black). I know I shouldn’t feel like this. I do try not to...having said that I am trying to support them in practical ways as I do feel sorry for them. I do resent the mess caused by their mother and as I’m extremely busy and having a tough time with perimenopause at the moment, it just makes it worse.

I have discussed boundaries many many times with dh but he doesn’t get it. I don’t like the idea of my ds being brought to think behaving this way is acceptable either. Thankfully his nanny and I are on the same page, as is my family.

Going away now and leaving the two other children would definitely send the message to them that they are not part of your family. The 9 Yr old NEEDS to feel wanted and have a sense of stability along with his sister and as the adult in this, you should put their needs over yours until things settle down for them. If you can't talk in the house then organise a babysitter and go somewhere else where you can discus your feelings and the problems you are now facing. They might not be biologically yours but they became your family when you married their father and you have to treat them the same as you do your own son. If they feel love from you then they will change there attitudes but it won't happen over night.

Do you know what, OP? Having read all your responses, I respect your honesty and the fact that you have been going to counselling to work on your issues and suggesting family counselling. I hope you can all work through this.

Perhaps his ex can't get back. Are there issues with her residency here?