Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

[Ash39]

You can't leave the nine year old behind to go on holiday without you and his dad. That would be very very damaging

[user1484986087]

I’ve never been unkind to the kids. I am not the wicked stepmother. Blended families are notoriously difficult to navigate and I just asked for advice. And if my husband and I separated, there is no way I would ever marry again whilst my son was young. I’ve seen the issues this causes from both sides now.

[BertrandRussell]

She sounds hideous. All the new reason you should facilitate your husband building his relationship with them and helping them survive th trauma of being dumped by her.

[LIZS]

If you have shut down and come across to the dsc as disinterested as you seem here it is unsurprising they are distant. You cannot change them, only you actions and reaction towards them. This is an opportunity to break down barriers. They may also have closed off emotionally having been abandoned, seemingly first by your now-dh and more recently their dm. Does she really have no contact with them if not your dh? How is your dh behaving towards them?

[exLtEveDallas]

I do not see the point of wasting my energy on kids whom view me as the enemy

You need to. I'm not going to bash you, I think you've probably had enough of that, but you absolutely need to put the energy into these kids. Mum might never come back. You've got to step up. No, it's not fair and it's not what you expected, but it's not the kids fault. It's not your fault either, but you are the adult. You are the one that will have to make the effort, push it and make it work. Do it for the kids, do it for your son - let him see what an amazing woman his mother is, never giving up on them. You can do this.

[TrainspottingWelsh]

I would have immediately ended it with dp if he ever so much as hinted he wished to put my wants above dsd's needs. As he would with me if I'd put him before dd.

How would you feel if you and he split up, and in 5yrs you were unable to care for your ds, would you want a step mother thinking of, and treating him in the same way you are?

I cannot for the life of me understand the thinking behind shitty attitudes being justified because the ex is a crap parent. Surely the opposite should be true, the worse the ex, the more sympathy and understanding you should feel as a step parent?

When dsd was only shared custody, I certainly wouldn't have felt the overwhelming need to protect her if she had a normal mother able to care for her the rest of the time. And certainly if she'd moved in because that same mother was working away or similar, I probably would have noticed the extra responsibility of another child. As it was, I just had an overwhelming urge to love her and support her and protect her from any further distress.

I simply can't imagine possessing such a selfish attitude that I'd have wanted to leave her with a nanny and fuck off on holiday with dp and dd.

[Hesafriendfromwork]

I get you are exhausted.

Building a relationship with the kid takes time. If their mother is so awful you should be grateful your childs half siblings now have a stable household.

Life would be far easier if you try and improve those relationships. Accept it wont be easy. But what's good for the kids, in the long run is what's best for the whole family.

If you dont want to try anymore, that's fair enough. But it would be better for you all if you left.

Their mother went away and didnt come back, leaving youngest traumatised. Why would you think their father going away, weeks later would be a good idea.

That's actively making it worse rather than just not working on making it better.

[Zeldasmagicwand]

From your initial post you're coming across as rather spoilt, particularly as you have a full time nanny but don't mention working outside the home. Obviously, you've only posted a snapshot of your life but you do come across as me, me, me. It's entirely normal when you care for several children not to have any/much adult time to yourselves unless you are extremely wealthy or have relatives nearby willing to look after the kids. Many of us have neither and make the best of it.

I feel so sorry for your young DSS who has been effectively abandoned by his father and now his mother. Poor boy.

[BlouseAndSkirt]

“Life would be far easier if you try and improve those relationships. Accept it wont be easy. But what's good for the kids, in the long run is what's best for the whole family.”

This.

You have been handed a tough deal, but kindness feeds calm and well being and optimism. If you Pro actively decide to support your DH and Dsc then you might feel less dumped on. Choose your own active role in this family crisis.

[user1484986087]

I think the mum has called a few times but that is it. My husband emailed asking her if she wanted to have the kids for holidays but no response. Dss doesn’t want to talk to her. Dh is basically spending his whole time trying to make dss feel better (understandably).

[user1484986087]

Zelda, if you read a bit more carefully, you’d see that I work full time, in the City. Have always paid my way and went back to work when my ds was 8 months old. Love my job and I could never be a a SAHM (no disrespect intended).

[Techway]

I get that you never expected this and therefore are not practically or emotionally prepared.

If your DH is asking you to take this on he must make some adjustments and getting a new place is probably the adjustment he needs to make. I assume he no longer pays Ex so money should be less of an issue.

He might think Ex will return but equally his children will need a home pre & post university so this isn't a short term proposition.
I suspect if you were able to get him to compromise you might feel happier.

The break should invite all DC. The 9 year old will go off to be bed early so there will be time plus you might actually bond. How are the other 2 children doing?

[W0rriedMum]

I am polite and help where I can but do not see the point of wasting my energy on kids whom view me as the enemy.
You're talking about a distressed NINE year old here, not an adult capable of looking after themselves physically and emotionally. There is plenty of time to build a relationship now mum is off the scene, but polite won't cut it.

If you must go away, either go alone with your son or take the 9 year old too. The 16 year old probably has study and won't want to go (ask!).

Away from the daily routine, you'll see a different side to the 9 year old and slowly try to gain his trust.

[user1484986087]

His ex will definitely return when it suits her but No way is he letting dss go to her full time when she has behaved like this (a position i completely agree with).
Older dsd at uni abroad, younger dsd burying herself in school work.

[TiddyTid]

This is hard OP. I get you.

My approach would be for you all to take a deep breath, sit down together and talk as one family unit because that's what you are now and how you are all going to move forward. Use this as an opportunity to build the foundations to a strong blended family which will hopefully result in helping to mend some of the damage. It can't continue as it is.

[GleamInYourEyes]

This is such a hard situation for you, but realistically you need to accept you are a family of 4 children now and act accordingly. If that means you need more space, then that is something you need to insist on with your DH.

You also must treat the 2 year old and 9 year old equally. The teens are different because I doubt they want to go on holiday in the UK with you, but it would be incredibly cruel and unkind to take one little boy and leave another behind. The 9 year old has just been rejected by his mother, what kind of father would your DH be if he rejected him too in favour of his 'new family'?

[CJsGoldfish]

Going away and leaving the 9 yr old with a nanny is absolutely hideous behaviour. The child has been pretty much abandoned by his mother and you think nothing of just leaving him behind while you go away with your own child. Way to make him feel safe and secure

[WhiteCat1704]

He needs to get the residence sorted now then. Child benefit assigned to himself(for residence purpose not money, doesn't matter if he earns above) and inform social services of the situation. That will ensure he is the Resident Parent and if the ex wants to come back and wants anything to do with the youngest she pays for the solicitor and makes all the effort.
The 16 year old can legall live on her own so no issues there.
I would also recommend startins a case via CMS with the ex. Just so it sinks in that she lost the custody and should pay towards her children.
And get a bigger space!

[user1484986087]

It’s 3 days away whilst he is at school, it’s hardly a proper holiday! We’ve already had to rebook it as it clashed with one of his activities. At one point his father was prepared to send him to live with his parents (abroad) permanently. He is well cared for and once my son reaches 3, I will have no Pb leaving him with our nanny or my parents.

[user1484986087]

Bigger space needed but dh not keen.
Think I’ll just have to suck it up unless I can think of another solution, living elsewhere during the week so I have some space.
We’ve agreed to a date night per fortnight so hopefully that will help

[Gazelda]

As i said before, at least if she were ill or passed away we would know where we are...and so would the poor kids.

My parent died when I was a toddler. I was brought up by the other parent and a step parent. Please don't ever think that this would be a better option for all involved than the situation you are currently in. The death of a parent as a child is not something to be wished on anyone, even if it comes from a heartfelt place.

That aside, I have huge sympathy for you. You have suddenly and unexpectedly found yourself in a situation full of difficulties. You are trying to juggle the needs of everyone. But unfortunately, and naturally, you see the priority needs as those of your youngest, and the future of your marriage. I can understand this, after all if the marriage crumbles then all of the children will have more trauma to deal with.

But please, please, work with your DH to find a way to get some time to concentrate on your marriage that doesn't involve the SC being left with the nanny while you go away for a holiday with the youngest.

Can you work with the SC's school to see if you can get some family counselling?

I can see that you need some quality time with your DH, but I think the emotional well-being of the SC needs to come first. You and DH need to get on the same page.

[Sotiredofthislife]

I did not sign up to have 4 kids permanently under 1 roof

So what do you want to happen? What do you expect your partner does if you didn’t sign up for this?

The shananigans of the ex have now culminated into dumping her kids on her ex and me

Her kids alone? Their father doesn’t have to look after them, then? Or take responsibility for them?

Her children hate me as she has played the victim

You can’t know what she may or may not have said to the children. You are hardly covering yourself in glory here. Your contempt for their mother is not something they won’t have noticed. If you want to build a relationship with them, your feelings for their mother (who, at the end of the day, you know nothing about) need to be put to one side and you need to accept those children are your family.

You also need to remember your partner considered his ex good enough to have 3 children with and over a considerable number of years.

[user1484986087]

Have suggested family counselling but dh likes to pretend we are one big happy family and refused. I have had some counselling which has helped in terms of dealing with skids and coping strategies in the short term.

[Dollymixture22]

You husband was going to send his son away at age nine?

Why?

Being abandoned by both parents would be extremely damaging.

Neither of you seem to have a lot of emotional intelligence, or indeed compassion for these children.

I have suggested This before But family counselling would really help you all. I also think you and your husband would benefit from some parenting classes, just to Help you understand your children’s emotional needs.

[user1484986087]

I’m sure they have noticed their mothers contempt for me and this is why they have been downright rude to me on occasion. I never speak about their mother to them.
I
I can’t speak for dh marriage before ours. Ex is however bat s@@t crazy to the point where his parents warned him against marrying...dh and family were not in speaking terms when I met him. She actually walked out of him with her kids