Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

[user1484986087]

By 3 figure settlement I mean in excess of 100,000.00 gbp.
Absolute rubbish re me not wanting dh to spend money on his kids. This is his duty as a parent and I don’t want him treating any kids preferentially in this regard.
Ex has just gone awol apart from sporadic phone call to dsd. This is normal practice for her, unless she wants something. She is an eu citizen in any event.

[clucky3]

You are the reason stepmothers get a hard time.
I appreciate it's a big change but they are his kids. Would you expect him to dump of your child in the future?

100% this. You sound horribly selfish and thoughtless towards these children

[Hesafriendfromwork]

If you cant seperate your feeling for the mother from the kids. Then I suggest this marriage is over.

Or the traumatised 9 year old will become troubled teen and disturbed adult.

In 10 years you will still be pulling your hair our because this child is causing problems. Non of the adults recognising that alot of it is your faults.

Have you though that actually, your dh might be right. They arent rude, but you are looking to take offence so you can continue this stance.

[DriftingLeaves]

I really hope your DH sticks to his guns and stops the gravy train. She's staying there to blackmail him into supporting her again. Lazy mare.

[Surfskatefamily]

Honestly a trip to new forest, sex and attention should be at the bottom of your priority list for a while.
You as the step mum and he as father need to put aside all but basic need and focus on these children. Once a new normal has established and the kids feel more comfortable things will get better for you and dh.
Shower them with love, make them feel safe and wanted. Maybe book them onto the trip last minute

[user1484986087]

Being rude is ignoring me, deliberately changing seats not to sit next me is not being rude? Or blanking me?
I tried very very hard to be friends with them when I first met them. It went nowhere. And I have since learned that as a step parent, you are not required to br friends with them. You just have to respect them and vice versa.

Yes I’m not proud of myself for seeing the mum in them. I am working on this.

[user1484986087]

That’s it precisely, even my dh says it. She knows it is difficult for almost everyone to have kids with us full time so she wants my dh to call her begging her to take kids back. That’s her moment for demanding yet more cash. Unfortunately for her, it ain’t gonna happen. Why she didn’t just get a job or retrain like a normal person and contribute something to her upkeep is beyond me. But she likes all this high drama at the expense of her kids.

[user1484986087]

And no, I would never dump my son onto ex husband and his wife. Ever. Why have kids if you can’t be bothered to look after them? She didn’t want 50/50 refused to have more than e ow and now just leaves them!

[TrainspottingWelsh]

I'm sure you wouldn't dump your ds. But imagine you were really ill for a long period, and in his distress your ds resented his stepmother. Would you want him treated this way because she couldn't separate her resentment of you/ the extra work/ reduced attention etc from an innocent child.

And by the same token, if you wouldn't dump your ds, why do you expect your dh to dump his dc for your convenience.

Honestly, the more you say about their mothers bad behaviour, the worse you come across because it makes your reaction even less excusable

[user1484986087]

@HugoSpritz
You have no idea re the finances. Dh has paid for everything since the day she walked out. She was then paid a hefty settlement, plus rent, bills cm too. Also school fees. She is supposed to get a job or train so that she can contribute. She chooses not to do and absconds to Africa after claiming for years she has no money!!

[MzHz]

First off, I COMPLETELY feel for you! I’d be horrified if this happened to me because it’s so dramatic and disruptive to everything you thought life would be.

BUT...

Now my priority is my son and work. I am polite and help where I can but do not see the point of wasting my energy on kids whom view me as the enemy.

Your ONLY option to fare well through this is to focus on YOUR FAMILY. this is your dh, you, your children collectively. The ONLY way out of this is to understand that you’re a unit and that you ALL need to work together

Nobody wanted this outcome. Not the kids, not your h and not you. It’s ok to say this out loud.

I think that all of you going away together and being 100% honest about how you all feel, about things you’re all worried about and what you each think could be done to make the best of everything until it all feels a little less alien.

Your current isolation of yourself and the politeness is not going to help you feel better, nor help the kids feel better about being where they don’t want to be, so stop this now. They’re all old enough to talk to honestly and openly, and they need to be heard.

You too need to be heard.

I say again, if I had this situation forced on me, knowing the personalities at play on my side, I’d go gaga and end up losing my mind, but I’d HAVE to find a way through it, I’d insist on being heard and finding ways to ensure everyone had enough space to retreat so the impact of it all wasn’t so bruising all the time.

You’re at a crossroads here op, you can’t make others do what you want them to do, you can only change your reaction to it all.

(((Hug)))

[timshelthechoice]

All three of you sound as bad as one another. This is what you get when you marry a person who has kids already.

[MzHz]

Family counselling as a priority.

[Jojowash]

Come on guys, imagine the upheaval having 3 step kids just turn up in a flat that isn't big enough and with kids that have already been turned against you.

That no extra money is coming in because the mother unlike the father isn't contributing.

The woman needs some respite and understanding. Of course she wouldn't want the children to have no where to live but this has never been part of the plan.

Even the mother had respite over weekends and holidays. This is an older family suddenly moved into a flat that isn't big enough.

Of course it matters, the poor kids have to deal with the fact their mother has just dumped them. That someone who was their main person has no contact with them. It's an awful situation.

She has taken them on, she is keeping them safe. She just wants some space and needs to talk about it.

I welcome my step kids but at one point I had them every holiday plus weekends because I work at a school and had that time off in holidays. My partner continued to work and I was left at home with 4 kids two of which had been brought up very differently to mine and had been tainted by their mother not wanting them to like me, although they did like me, they have been brought up in chips and we have proper cooked meals with vegetables I expect to be eaten. You're in a funny place being the step mother. I simply said the rules are of this house and they aren't bad rules just rules to keep you healthy and rules my kids stick too. I didn't sign up to parent older children that haven't had the rules in place, it was and is stressful.

I had to also listen to innocent kids say that their mummy says this about you.. yet she hands them over to me for weeks on end and slags me off to them, making judgements that are completely biased and pathetic but very hurtful. I could have got into answering the kids with similar responses but I never did, so felt almost victimised and unable to defend myself because I had her kids feelings at heart and believed eventually if I showed no reaction it would become boring and it would stop. Actually she upped her game by telling the kids to call my kids awful names, hoping that would cause a divide i house. I then confronted her about it. She made up stupid excuses and was left feeling like the dickhead she is.

As it happened myself and my partner did split up, it put strain on our relationship and caused a huge wedge. More because he wasn't here either and when he was he didn't really know that giving his kids 10 cans of coke a day wasn't good for them and also kept them up all night.

We did get back together again but as we hadn't been together for 6 months he went back to just seeing them here and there. So when it came back to arranging contact. I never offered holidays. I offer a week in summer and extra days in half terms. This has kept everyone's stress levels down and their mother has given up saying anything. Now she pays childcare throughout the holidays, maybe just maybe she appreciates what I did, maybe not.

This shit isn't easy... it doesn't mean we don't care about the kids, I went out my way to make them welcome, they had their own wardrobes, gaming systems and clothes here. They are part of the man I love, therefore part of me. They joined in everything with us, they are part of the family. But it's hard. It's really hard to keep everybody safe, loved and happy.

So don't give the OP such a hard time. I'm sure if she could she'd explain the whole story to you, you would see. She took them into her home, I wonder how many of you could do that, take in two teenagers and a 9 year old at the snap of a finger, she could have turned them away. She works full time and pays for them too. It's expensive having kids.

So people sometimes you've got to put yourself in other peoples shoes.

OP > well done for taking them in, many people wouldn't have. Sorry your husband isn't appreciating what you've done and you guys have lost your way. I don't know how you do it, you are left to deal with the hurt their mother has done. The confusion after years of turning them against you, you are now their life saver. Maybe write a letter to your husband explaining that you love him and therefore love them but it is hard and a massive upheaval. One you're willing to do and you are doing, but you feel you've lost each other in the process. That you understand he didn't want to have a conversation about it because he's probably scared you are going to say you can't do it anymore. Explain that you need to be there for each other. That you guys need some time out, just a night or a weekend you can look forward too.

Work together, times are hard. Good luck op. I hope it settles down into more of a routine. Xx

[user1484986087]

@TrainspottingWelsh
I am not responsible for the behaviour of the crazy mother. I am only the stepmother. I can’t replace her. I can only do what I can whilst attempting to preserve my marriage and ensure everyone is happy. That is why so many blended families break up - attention is all on the kids. Everyone is affected by this colsssal f//:k up by ex wife. Of course in her selfishness she can’t see what her kids are going to think about her in a few years time.
It’s interesting because I also posted this on a stepmother forum and received more support. You have to have lived this situation to understand it. Nobody else does.

[MzHz]

God don’t you lot ever get over yourselves?

This ISNT “what you get when you marry someone with kids” What a load of shite!

Unless ALL mothers are supposed to be as shit as this and it’s usual and common to ftfo and abandon your kids...

No? Well then.

Give this woman a break! She can improve her reaction, but she’s entitled to be feeling dismayed at the nuclear bomb that’s gone off in all their lives.

[MzHz]

That is why so many blended families break up - attention is all on the kids

Not just blended families op. The children are important, but they can’t be the sole focus all the time. Otherwise they go to college/uni etc and you’re left with a partner who’s stranger to you.

I agree that the effort needs to be put into the marriage as the only stability/foundation around at the moment and this stable and calm environment may go miles to help the stepchildren understand that they are safe, that they’re not going to end up abandoned again. They will come round, but not unless you do work as a unit, starting now.

[Jojowash]

@user1484986087

Exactly, well said. I think you have been slightly bullied in here. The nasty 'stepmother' instant judgement.

Woman you have done amazing taking all these guys into your home. Hats off to you. Seriously. Well done.

Of course you need some time out. What a change in your life! I've already written to you below x.

Honestly write a letter or email to husband. Read it and re-read it to make sure it's right. This way you can get everything out, there's no arguing or jumping to conclusions, as in a verbal discussion. The kids can't hear it. He will have time to read it and think about it before answering x. It works. Xx

Good luck and maybe take a weekend out with a friend, to get your head right and a bit of space x x

Sending love 💕

[Jojowash]

@MzHz

Well said x

This woman has been a star.

[Blueuggboots]

I posted first on this thread......I AM A STEP-PARENT!!!

[user1484986087]

@Blueuggboots, yes but have you been through this s£££y? Only those whom have can relate and give advice it seems

[user1484986087]

Sensible and pragmatic advice I mean

[user1484986087]

@Jojowash and the others whom have been through similar:thank you!

[itsgettingweird]

I would continue to be polite and inclusive of the DSC. they probably will be extra hostile to you now because their mother has abandoned them.

But kids aren't stupid. They will work out for themselves those who do what for them and those who genuinely care and have their best interests at heart.

Keep offering the DSD to go out. One day she'll say yes. Also consider that the 9to is an excellent big brother for your DS. Just the right age to play football with him and push on in the swing in the park. Encourage this. Encourage them building a relationship and him feeling you trust his position in the family as important.

Separate the situation from why you're in this situation. Don't think about you being in it because their mother abandoned them but rather because you married a man with 3 children.

It's still fairly new and you are still getting use to it. I agree moving may be a better option.
But look practically at it. Does he still have half ownership of the house EX w lived in. If she isn't returning can he sell it. She gets her half and he takes his half to add to what you get for flat and purchase something more appropriate.

The 9yo in this needs the most attention. He is now and will be part of your family permanently for at least another 9 years (half his childhood).
The others being around is something you'll get use to. Eventually walking into the kitchen and 1 of them being there won't be such an odd thing.

You are totally entitled to feel the way you do. But as a human being you need to find compassion and understanding and stop thinking trying to develop a relationship with his children is a waste of time. It won't happen if you fight it.

[TrainspottingWelsh]

I didn't say you were responsible for the mother's crap parenting. I just firmly believe that the worse a child's mother is, the more understanding, sympathy and support they deserve, not less.

And fwiw I have experienced it, I'm a stepmother that's raised dsd for over half her life, with a dp that works away more than he's home. I resented the trauma her mother caused her, but that only added to my feelings for dsd. Not only because I've experienced being the unwanted child, and know it's far more distressing than being an adult step parent. But because first and foremost she was an innocent child that needed to be loved and secure, regardless of my feelings for dp, her mother, our relationship etc.

Just because someone doesn't agree it doesn't mean they don't have step parenting experience. I do, many years more than you. Doesn't mean I have to agree with the philosophy step dc are an inconvenient burden or of secondary consequence to birth dc.