Come on guys, imagine the upheaval having 3 step kids just turn up in a flat that isn't big enough and with kids that have already been turned against you.
That no extra money is coming in because the mother unlike the father isn't contributing.
The woman needs some respite and understanding. Of course she wouldn't want the children to have no where to live but this has never been part of the plan.
Even the mother had respite over weekends and holidays. This is an older family suddenly moved into a flat that isn't big enough.
Of course it matters, the poor kids have to deal with the fact their mother has just dumped them. That someone who was their main person has no contact with them. It's an awful situation.
She has taken them on, she is keeping them safe. She just wants some space and needs to talk about it.
I welcome my step kids but at one point I had them every holiday plus weekends because I work at a school and had that time off in holidays. My partner continued to work and I was left at home with 4 kids two of which had been brought up very differently to mine and had been tainted by their mother not wanting them to like me, although they did like me, they have been brought up in chips and we have proper cooked meals with vegetables I expect to be eaten. You're in a funny place being the step mother. I simply said the rules are of this house and they aren't bad rules just rules to keep you healthy and rules my kids stick too. I didn't sign up to parent older children that haven't had the rules in place, it was and is stressful.
I had to also listen to innocent kids say that their mummy says this about you.. yet she hands them over to me for weeks on end and slags me off to them, making judgements that are completely biased and pathetic but very hurtful. I could have got into answering the kids with similar responses but I never did, so felt almost victimised and unable to defend myself because I had her kids feelings at heart and believed eventually if I showed no reaction it would become boring and it would stop. Actually she upped her game by telling the kids to call my kids awful names, hoping that would cause a divide i house. I then confronted her about it. She made up stupid excuses and was left feeling like the dickhead she is.
As it happened myself and my partner did split up, it put strain on our relationship and caused a huge wedge. More because he wasn't here either and when he was he didn't really know that giving his kids 10 cans of coke a day wasn't good for them and also kept them up all night.
We did get back together again but as we hadn't been together for 6 months he went back to just seeing them here and there. So when it came back to arranging contact. I never offered holidays. I offer a week in summer and extra days in half terms. This has kept everyone's stress levels down and their mother has given up saying anything. Now she pays childcare throughout the holidays, maybe just maybe she appreciates what I did, maybe not.
This shit isn't easy... it doesn't mean we don't care about the kids, I went out my way to make them welcome, they had their own wardrobes, gaming systems and clothes here. They are part of the man I love, therefore part of me. They joined in everything with us, they are part of the family. But it's hard. It's really hard to keep everybody safe, loved and happy.
So don't give the OP such a hard time. I'm sure if she could she'd explain the whole story to you, you would see. She took them into her home, I wonder how many of you could do that, take in two teenagers and a 9 year old at the snap of a finger, she could have turned them away. She works full time and pays for them too. It's expensive having kids.
So people sometimes you've got to put yourself in other peoples shoes.
OP > well done for taking them in, many people wouldn't have. Sorry your husband isn't appreciating what you've done and you guys have lost your way. I don't know how you do it, you are left to deal with the hurt their mother has done. The confusion after years of turning them against you, you are now their life saver. Maybe write a letter to your husband explaining that you love him and therefore love them but it is hard and a massive upheaval. One you're willing to do and you are doing, but you feel you've lost each other in the process. That you understand he didn't want to have a conversation about it because he's probably scared you are going to say you can't do it anymore. Explain that you need to be there for each other. That you guys need some time out, just a night or a weekend you can look forward too.
Work together, times are hard. Good luck op. I hope it settles down into more of a routine. Xx