Blended family creating marriage problems

[user1484986087]

No idea where to start but looking for advice please...

Am married and dh and I have a 2 year old ds. We both work full-time and have no family living close to us (my parents live 2-3 hour train trip away whilst my DH’s parents are abroad). I have 3 dsc- 18 year old DSd currently away at uni, 16 year old DSd and 9 year old ds. Until about 1.5 months ago, the Dsc were living with their mother and would come to us eow. We live in a one level 3 bed flat.

Dh and his ex had a very acrimonious divorce (FYI I was not the ow) and this has continued in the 7 years since. She also managed to alienate my dsc against us to the point where my relationship with them has never progressed beyond civilities.

Dh has paid everything for ex wife and kids since the divorce - rent, food school fees bills etc. Ex wife refuses to work and contribute.

This summer the ex went away to her country of origin whilst dsc staying with grandparent. In the meantime, dh tells her that he cannot afford time finance her100 Pb any more and that she needs to get a job and contribute.
She was supposed to take kids back in September but then dh receives a phone call from her saying she is stuck there and can he take the kids full time now?
Since then, her phone calls to kids are sporadic. We don’t know when and if she is ever coming back. DSs refuses to speak with her and wets bed regularly.

In the meantime, our marriage is deteriorating fast....my husband rushes around after his kids 24 7, and has no time for me. We barely speak and when we do it’s about the kids. We haven’t had sex for 3 months. Weekends are spent with us both taking it in turns for him to care for dsc and ds and have become the worst part of the week.
I feel like a room mate to my husband and that my wishes are disregarded constantly. I feel like I’m stuck in a pressure cooker situation at home and can’t breathe due to lack of space. Whenever I talk about this my dh accuses me of ranting and just goes elsewhere in the flat. We can’t talk privately as his kids are always around. To be fair, I never wanted to have his kids 24 7 as I could for see the issues this would cause in my marriage. He promised that they would’ve to family for school holidays but has now backed out of this saying he felt under duress.....I cannot see any respite as the ex w shows no signs of ever returning and apparently has not even asked to see kids during school hols. I have taken to roaming around shopping centres on a weekend afternoon just to get out of the flat...

My dh ds and I are suppose to be going away for a few days to the new forest in the next week or so. This was booked before we knew the situation re dsc and has already been changed once due to it clashing with dss school football match (which never happened in the end). I am looking forward to it as an opportunity to reconnect with dh and have some time away, but he does not seem keen and has not even told dss that we are going (we have a full time nanny who will be looking after ds and dsd)!

This is just a snapshot of the situation but too long to go into in detail. Can anyone help with suggestions as to how to deal with this scenario? I’m angry at my dh but I don’t want to split up with him over this issue. Btw. I have mentioned buying a bigger flat house but he less keen, saying that the dsd will be going to uni in 2 years so why should we bother...

Many thanks!

[Shagged]

Just seen your update OP

Errrr no, I don't know any bio parents who go on holidays with their spouse and 1 DC leaving the other DC with a nanny and would find it really strange if I did!

[ChilledBee]

When you're the 2nd wife/family, you don't really get to push the other kids away to spend alone time with just your new family. You often get that time because you're the NRP so have days apart from your older children but you don't get to construct that time at the expense of the older children.

Women who are most often RPs get very little opportunity to have 1v1 time with their individual children regardless of whether they were part of a blended or traditional family.

Take my friend. She is on her 2nd marriage. 1 kid from each marriage. Her ex husband has a kid in his new relationship. His current partner and him keep wanting to move around contact to facilitate weekends where he isn't working and he can be with new partner and kid alone because every weekend he has away from his older kids, he works. They think they are entitled to "just their little family time". My friend doesn't get that because when her older son is with his dad, she works and her husband looks after their younger child. She works then to bring in money that her ex doesn't provide. I think he gives £20 a week for his son.

[SprinkleDash]

You can't fuck off on holiday and leave the traumatised children with a nanny FFS

His children weren’t part of her plans for the perfect little family! Too bad @user1484986087. Should have chosen a partner who didn’t already have children!! Those three children are now as much a part of your life as your DC and you either get used to it or leave! Your own decision making has lead you here! Remember that!!

[BertrandRussell]

“ Errrr no, I don't know any bio parents who go on holidays with their spouse and 1 DC leaving the other DC with a nanny and would find it really strange if I did!”

Actually, I can imagine circumstances where this might happen. Just not when one of the most traumatic things possible has just happened to the older children.

[Geppili]

What would you do if their mother had died?

[BlouseAndSkirt]

I have known bio parents leave the baby with grandparents so they can have alone time, or else take the older children to do an activity hol.

The 9 year old is distressed, confused and bed wetting. A ski-ing holiday in the future does not address feeling abandoned and frightened now.

[Mclibby]

I can definitely see you may feel overwhelmed by them, even 4 kids that were your own would be overwhelming. Even though you chose to be a partner to a person with kids doesn't mean you have to miss out on the life you want (which I assume isn't walking aimlessly round a shopping centre). Maybe do a side project, go away yourself, meet friends. All these things give your DH the space to be a better parent and keep you sane. Don't make your whole life about your partner.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

OP I think we can all see that this is a difficult situation but you really can't go away without the children at the moment. The children's security is your ( you and your DH) responsibility are the moment and adults relationships are a secondary concern. It is part of being a parent. Make the best of things. Prioritise building relationships with the DSC . Your little one will enjoy having their siblings around more and might help in the bonding process.

[Loopytiles]

“I have been helping out on a practical level, but at the end of the day, I am not their mother and I am a mother who works very hard to ensure that her son is well cared for and happy. I did not sign up to have 4 kids permanently under 1 roof, just the 1!”

Get divorced then and live with your DS.

[Loopytiles]

Given the difficult circumstances, your step DCs’ needs far outweigh your wishes. If you can’t deal with the new set up, fair enough, end the relationship.

[Youseethethingis]

I think people are being very harsh to you, OP. From the few details given, it sounds like your relationship with your step kids has never had much of a chance to develop. And now people expect you to become their new mother overnight, without any chance to bed in and figure out how to make the new family dynamic work for everyone.
You are going to have to dig deep here though, because there kids have been shat on from a great height and however shit the situation feels to you, it’s 100% worse for them because they have no control at all.
I do think that you have to make your DH understand that your marriage is now what all four kids are depending on to underpin stability in their lives. That’s true of any family , blended or not IMO. Your marriage is important, as are your feelings, and you need to be able to talk about them in order to figure out how to cope with the massive adjustments required. Likewise, your DH must be feeling the strain massively of his children being so traumatised, not knowing what his ex plans and not knowing if you will ultimately be able to hold the line with him. Basically, you need to find away to have some time alone to thrash it all out. The way this has all happened seems chaotic and it’s no wonder everyone’s mental health is suffering.
I’d don’t know the answers long term, just wanted to back you up a bit. Find the strength from somewhere OP, these kids really need you too

[Divorce678]

I realise this would be a difficult transition for you - going from a home with 1 child to 3 - I do appreciate that so think about how this could work for all of you ie encourage the bigger house.

BUT also, put yourself in the position of your SC. They have been abandoned by their mother! The 9yo is (naturally) so affected he’s bed wetting. Be very thankful that your husband has stepped in and is doing his best for his children. Please do the same for them.
See the positives, you can spend this time building a close and positive relationship with your sc. They can bond with their step sibling. Make them feel comfortable and deal with your feelings after you've made your sc feel wanted and welcome.

[swingofthings]

I truly sympathise with your situation, I can't imagine what my life would be like and the impact it would have on my marriage if suddenly my MIL had to move in with us because she had nowhere else to go.

However, you come across as not very supportive of your OH's situation and more concerned about the impact it has on you than everyone else. Your marriage is most likely suffering because your OH is dismayed at your lack of support and outraged that you are picking this time to go on about your needs.

It's a very difficult time, but one when you need to accept that your needs are put aside and those of your OH and his kids need to come first. It's not fun, it's not fair, but there are many things in life we can't control and we just need to accept for a short time to support those we love.

Your OH must be so exhausted and stressed, but thankfully, he knows that his priority has to be with his kids who've gone through the trauma of seeing their mum buggering off and adjusting with a new life that they certainly didn't want themselves and to make it worse, live knowing that their sm wished they were not there, making your OH feeling that he has to overcompensate for it.

It's not that you don't deserve sympathy, you truly do, but you can't expect your OH to think of your needs at this time, he is doing the best he can to stabilise the situation and is not available to give you much attention. This will change, and most likely, one day, it will be the other way around.

[Hesafriendfromwork]

OP I get that this is a huge change for you and of course you didn't expect her to abandon them.

But did you not think of the many ways that could end with hee not being able to care for the kids? She could have dies, or become ill, or disabled in a way that meant she would have no being able to live at home.

Whilst I appreciate you need some time with dh. Right now, when the 9 year old is struggling is not the time to be leaving with you and your son and leaving the young child with a nanny. You have a choice.

Either understand this child, especially, is traumatised and look at what you can do to support dh and the child. He is your husband son your sons half brother after all.

Or leave. You getting angry because your husband is being a parent to his kids, is not ok.

[Fairylea]

You absolutely cannot go on holiday with your dh and the 2 year old and leave the 9 year old behind.

The other two are older and if they want to stay home that’s different but the 9 year old is a small child who needs to feel wanted at the moment. Leaving them with a nanny while you go away with your dh and the 2 year old sends a clear message that you are not part of the nuclear family. Just horrendous to be honest.

We have a blended family - if dh ever behaved the way you are doing I would be horrified.

[user1484986087]

Thanks for all for the advice. To the person whom implied that I married for ‘the lifestyle’ please note that I pay my way and am self financing, unlike the gold digging ex.
The shananigans of the ex have now culminated into dumping her kids on her ex and me. I have put up for years with her behaviour and this has to be the cherry on the cake! Her children hate me as she has played the victim...it’s going to be a tough ride going forward...
Regardless- some good advice here. Things need to settle down and I will do my best to help in practical ways, but they don’t want me - they want their mum. I can’t replace that and neither would I want to.

[user1484986087]

I would much rather it was the mil. At least we would know where we are with her rather than years of not knowing where we are with the kids and not knowing when their mother wants them or not, and presumably more court hearings when she tried to get rp status again!

[user1484986087]

As i said before, at least if she were ill or passed away we would know where we are...and so would the poor kids. It’s the constant emotional see sawing and shifting position, using kids as pawns that i find difficult to handle .

[Hesafriendfromwork]

Yet despite her 'shenanigans' since you were first with him, you decided staying with him worth it.

Your husband was already father to 3 kids. You chose to marry him and have a 4th. He as much their father, as he is theirs. And they are going through something very sad.

She didnt dump her kids with you. She left them in the care of their other parents.

You slag her off, but she was good enough for him to have 3 kids with?

You may hate her and hate what she has done. That's not the kids fault. You dont have to stay living with them. You can move out and get a divorce. Fair or not, he is their father and cant do the same.

If you cant understand that these kids need their father and only seem to make their lives worse, you should back away.

[user1484986087]

Thank you to yousseethungs...that’s a lot of sense. The kids were alienated against my husband and I initially by their mum and as I’ve never been given a chance to develop a relationship with them. I really wanted to I’m the beginning and tried but they were never interested. Now my priority is my son and work. I am polite and help where I can but do not see the point of wasting my energy on kids whom view me as the enemy.

[Dollymixture22]

Your need to accept there are four children in your family, and there always have been.

I don’t think you really thought this through when you got married.

The 16 year old will be off to uni soon, so in a couple of years there will be more space in the house.

But if you can’t be kind to these children, maybe you should consider leaving. They are just as important as your child, and I am sure you would be furious of your husbands next wife treated your son like this.

[user1484986087]

She was the rp who refused access for many years, saying that she needed to protect her kids from ‘black magic’ (this gives you some idea of what kind of person I am dealing with). Then she decided to abscond without reassurance to kids..knowing that they don’t have the best relationship with me...what else do you call it if not dumping them? I’d walk over hot coals for my ds rather than behave like that!

[Hesafriendfromwork]

So despite having a perfect opportunity to develop that relationship and support your dh, you arent going to take it.

You arent going to try and make the situation for you, dh, your ds and those kids better?
Even though you say they were alienated due to their mother? Her influence cause this but you wont take the opportunity to undo this.....because you hate her?

[Hesafriendfromwork]

Ita not dumping then when they are in care of their father.

I dont agree with what she has done. But, she left then with their father.

[user1484986087]

I have shut down. I’m tired of the whole thing. I do my best with his kids but they are not interested. I am not a miracle worker- merely someone (like most of us) just surviving. My 2 year old is hard work as it is and it is very difficult to balance all this with trying to get through life day by day.