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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why would a mother do this ?

141 replies

SharonMitchellsBaby · 18/08/2019 13:50

Currently on holiday with DH and his 2 children . SD is 15 and her Mum sent a message on the day before we were leaving to ask if we would do laundry that night for the daughter . WTF ? Daughter had been away at a sports camp for the week in the UK BUT not the same clothes she would need for here in hot climate .Mother claims she doesn't have drying space where she currently lives.
Why would you do this ? Why would you not encourage SD to be packed and ready to go at the beginning of the week ? When my DH queried it she said she would tell SD we couldn't do it . Why would you do that ?

OP posts:

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WitchyMcpooface · 18/08/2019 22:49

Separate wardrobes, at each parents house! Seriously! My SD was with us every other weekend when she was under 16. We didn’t have separate wardrobes. Essentials maybe but she would bring an overnight bag etc when she came. What a waste of money. Her BM would agree with me too. They grow out of clothes far too quickly for two wardrobes. And no I defo wouldn’t expect to pack. Her resident home is where all her clothes should be because they are hers to wear when she needs/wants. Unless we are going on a skiing or.... gosh I can’t even think of another alternative... then why wouldn’t she have every thing she needs for a holiday. ( I don’t know what holidays you guys go on with your kids to require a special holiday wardrobe). Also my SD’s BM knows what her daughter needs better than we do. I’d trust her to pack.

ThighThighOfthigh · 18/08/2019 22:58

I would send my child with a packed case, i know what they have / will need. I also wouldn't want them to have the stress of a possible bad atmosphere. And i know it would be the SM doing it so why piss her off.

WitchyMcpooface · 18/08/2019 23:02

WitchyMcpooface · 18/08/2019 23:09

My H can barely pack his own case! He never books the holidays and never plans the itinerary! BM knows this as she was married to him first. BM packed the case because it’s common sense.

gottagetouttahere · 18/08/2019 23:11

My DS doesn't have two separate wardrobes - he has his clothes which get worn between both houses, bought by both at various points. But no way am I solely responsible for all his ironing and washing.

When either of us take him on holiday, he takes whatever happens to be in each house. But that would simply be a case of him picking what he wants out of his drawers, any dirty stuff out of his basket and taking it to the other parent to organise from there.

He stays with his dad 2 school nights. I've just ironed 3 lots of uniform and packed the other two into a carrier bag. He'll take those to dads tomorrow and he can iron it. Yes, the uniforms will move back and forward as DS does, but I should only ever have three lots to organise, and ex will have two to organise.

Absolutely no bad feeling between us with these arrangements. I'm a mum, he's a dad. Ensuring your kid has clean clothes in your care is a pretty basic part of that role.

WitchyMcpooface · 18/08/2019 23:16

Gottagetouttahere - thank god, common sense prevails 👍

Maybe83 · 18/08/2019 23:21

Why would the SM be doing it though?

Both our children always had basic wardrobes at each house. Jackets runners pjs etc. They changed what they wanted into between but could come with the clothes they were in and be fine. Of course they grew out of them and then they were replaced.

Yes shock horror they do get new clothes for holidays. Her dad family went on 4 week multi trip around america a few years ago. Took what she wanted from here and he organised the rest. It was his family holiday.

We use to take ss camping. It wasnt up to his mother to send wet gear/wellies and what ever else we needed.

What's petty is complaining about having to help organise for your own child to go on a holiday you organised and if it isnt the childs father doing it and the op isnt happy to well thats her problem right there not the ex not doing the organising for them.

Cockadoodledooo · 18/08/2019 23:22

So the day before you went on holiday you were asked to facilitate dsd doing her washing? Not on the day? Not to do it for her? When she'd been away for the previous week and may want at least some of the same stuff?

I really can't see a problem. You clearly have issues with her mum but that's not the step daughter's fault.

gottagetouttahere · 18/08/2019 23:24

I'm not sure you've understood my post @WitchyMcpooface.

In effect, I've disagreed with most of what you've said:

I don't pack for my sons holiday with his dad.

His dad supplies him with more than the essentials. My son doesn't take an overnight bag to his dads. He always has a choice of clothes there. Once bought by either of us, they just move between the houses as and when DS wears them.

My sons dad knows as well as I do what he needs for a holiday that he is taking him on and would never expect me to pack for it.

WitchyMcpooface · 18/08/2019 23:25

Maybe83- a 4 week multi trip around America, that’s the norm is it! Wow I guess he can afford a separate wardrobe/ holiday clothes.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 18/08/2019 23:26

Surely it's up to her df to provide holiday clothes and pack them. Ds has clothes at both houses for this very reason makes things so much more easier and simple.

WitchyMcpooface · 18/08/2019 23:30

No I obviously didn’t. this thread is laughable. Got to go and burn some money in my garden before I turn in. 💤

Maybe83 · 18/08/2019 23:32

No it isnt the norm. He and his partners saved for a very long time for it and hadn't gone on holidays for a few years before hand. Fair play to them I say their kids had a ball and an experience of a life time.

I must be very strange most of my family and friends buy new holiday clothes. Were we live isnt really usually bikini and shorts weather though!

He always had a separate wardrobe. His partner also has a child who is resident there and non resident child in her dads.

So like I said when you have resident and non resident children moving in between houses maybe you have a bit of a different perspective than a child should rock up with their little suitcase every other weekend and pack it back with them on a Sunday.

Maybe83 · 18/08/2019 23:35

By separate wardrobe it was in effect what@gottagetouttahere describes they can wear what they want home. It's not like they had to strip to pjs before they went back but neither of kids went or needed to bring a bag if they didnt want to.

chickenyhead · 18/08/2019 23:40

All that matters was that DSD had clothes suitable for the holiday. Asking the night before could be annoying but is understandable if DSD has just got back and chosen what she wants to take.

When my DSS was younger, I would get him nes uniform/clothes/shoes if he needed them. It wasnt a competition. He needed clothes and he was my family, so I got what he needed. I also let him take the stuff home as I bought it for him, not for me.

Sometimes the washing thing got annoying, but you just refocus on what matters and that will always be the child's welfare IMHO.

Littleheart5 · 18/08/2019 23:50

Wash the clothes. How is this a big deal? “Major holiday”, I’m sure you’re not trekking the Inca trail so a quick wash and dry is hardly too much to ask from your SD’s father and (what sounds to be) her very difficult stepmother

Aprillygirl · 19/08/2019 00:22

I'm with you OP. She hasn't got the drying space? How does she normally get their clothes dry then? And why on earth would she wait until the night before your holiday to spring this on you? Seems to me she's being awkward for the sake of it. Is she resentful that you are taking her kids on holiday do you think?

Teddybear45 · 19/08/2019 00:29

Your DH’s holiday. He should have done the grunt work to make sure his 15 yo was reminded to do her packing and if necessary arrange suitable clothing & washing for her. It doesn’t fall on the girl’s mum to facilitate your leisure time and you are damned lucky she’s not one who insists on seperate wardrobes.

Original poster

SharonMitchellsBaby · 19/08/2019 02:49

No sangria, not winding myself up , not thinking all the time about it - odd moment so thought I would post....as for the washing going back with SD she is responsible for it over the hols using the laundry facilities here .
Yes , I think Mum looks for every chance to create chaos with any event where we are concerned. She cries down the phone , elaborates stories and sends verbal abuse to my DH and NO I wasn't an OW.

OP posts:

Original poster

SharonMitchellsBaby · 19/08/2019 02:54

Interesting what develops in a thread like this - separate wardrobes blimey !
As for DH doing the laundry yes- in an ideal world - but I am sure many of you know the reality is that it would fall to me even if he or SD attempted to do it .

OP posts:

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 19/08/2019 04:25

I used to get carrier bags of dirty/wet clothes every weekend that DSC's mum was 'too busy' to wash despite the fact she had no job and I have DC and work full time. Although the DSC had loads of clothes at their dad's house, they would always specifically want whatever was dirty in the bag. All holiday clothes bought and washed by me, all nice clothes disappeared into a black hole at their mum's house apparently lost forever.

In summary, DSC's mum wins, DP wins, DSC wins, SM loses. I split up with DP, so now I suppose he and his XP have to sort out their own DC's washing between them! Battle of the lazy fuckers!

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/08/2019 05:12

If you are that upset about it, just wash the stuff you are going to take and leave the rest to worry about when you get back. If you want a peaceful life do all the washing when you get back, if you want to cause drama send SD back with bags of dirty washing.

MotherOfDragonite · 19/08/2019 05:47

Why can't her dad help her pack? Sounds like she has been busy with a sports camp. I'd have expected dad to mention if anything particular was needed and sort it out himself in terms of packing and washing.

The mum isn't going on holiday, is she? Your partner is the one taking his daughter? (If it's the mum's holiday, then yes, obviously it's her responsibility -- sorry if I've misread).

MotherOfDragonite · 19/08/2019 05:48

Also, why are you doing the washing rather than her dad? Can't he put a load on and figure out what else she needs to go on holiday? Is there a good reason for his not taking some responsibility here, or does he usually load you with the parenting chores by default?

OllyBJolly · 19/08/2019 05:49

I don't understand why anyone is doing a 15yo's laundry for them, other than the 15yo themselves

If the 15yo doesn't see her dad's house as "home", then I can understand why she wouldn't just throw a load of washing on. But I don't see the big problem here - she's been away, there's bound to be stuff she'll need for the holiday. If the DM hasn't got the facilities and the DF has, why not just do the washing.

Oddly titled thread - thought it was going to be some heinous crime carried out on a child, not just a request re laundry. TBH, when XH & SM took my DCs off, I had to pack their cases and then do all the laundry on their return. No request or thanks so I think it's quite nice that the DM has recognised that this is a task and asked about it.

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