Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

YANBU.

so basically your son won't get a Room of his own ever because a weekly visitor stays! Absolutely ridiculous. She can share with dd or sleep on the sofa with dh sleeping on the floor!

You think a six year old sleeping with her mother is borderline child abuse? Seriously?

How is a 6 year old being cuddled by her mum child abuse?! What is wrong with you????

Yabu. Your dsd is 5 and she’s had to cope with her parents splitting up. There is nothing wrong with her wanting a cuddle.
Your DP quite naturally wants to ensure his daughter is happy.
Having said that, I’d have her share with your daughter. It’s only once a week and the company may help her sleep better.

Child abuse

I normally always agree with the step parent.
Not you though, you're wrong. And unreasonable.

Child abuse? Give your head a wobble love. Having a cuddle with her mum. Poor kid.

By the way, what is it you actually want? For your step dd to sleep in her room or for your son to have it?

She needs to learn how to sleep by herself

No idea how you can do that beyond just leaving her and dealing with the fallout. Would she be excited about sharing with your daughter? Maybe DD could step into the role of the 'adult' in the room?.

There is no reason not to establish that her Dads house has a different sleep routine to her Mums house, Children need decent sleep habits, and her time with him is his parenting time AKA not copying Mums routine because DSD might get upset at being forced to learn how to fall asleep alone.
This would be a massive issue for me.
It is ridiculous for anyone to be having disturbed sleep because she is so used to having an adult sleep next to her she suffers if there isn't one.

YANBU. It's not fair on anyone.

We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving.

You only gave her her own room a year ago once you knew a baby was arriving and it would suit you better?

That's a lot of changes for a kid who was only 4 at the time, so maybe have a little patience.

Not child abuse. You sound mean.

She only just got this room a year ago. She was told it was hers and you decorated it for her and now you're wanting to take it away? Her parents split up, her dad re-partnered, she has to share him with a Step sister and a new baby now. This poor kid has had a lot of change in her life and she's on shifting sands again because it's not suiting you.

Yes it's annoying that your DH can't always give you a break with the baby- but guess what- your household has three children and all their needs matter. You split your time, energy, resources between them, that's the way it goes. Your son isn't the most important. 🤯

Also safe sleeping guidelines would advise you that 3 month old babies are safer sharing the parents bedroom. 3 month old babies don't appreciate personal space or privacy. Your son doesn't need his own room right now.

I suggest you look at moving further out and to a house with more rooms, because I agree with your DH that it would be unkind to take away your SD's room.

Your dsd is 5 and she’s had to cope with her parents splitting up. There is nothing wrong with her wanting a cuddle
What does 'wanting a cuddle' have to do with a child not being able to sleep unless there is an adult there? It's not adorable or loving it's a child who cannot settle herself to sleep at 5 going on 6, seems like it's because she shares a room with her Mum not because she wants a cuddle or because she's struggling with her parents splitting up but because Mum has decided on it so everyone else including the 5 yr old has to suffer for it.
As for No your child isn't allowed a room because DSD sleeps over, well she isn't sleeping by herself so why shouldn't she share? That's the only solution that can work for everyone how the heck does that make OP mean?.

Undeserved animosity being thrown about on this thread.

It’s all well and good her DH saying they need a bigger house, but what if that doesn’t happen? In 2 or 3 years the op’s DS will need that bedroom more because he lives there full time and it’s his only home. So the sd is going to have to share with someone at some point.

I don't see why Dh can't get up for a night feed. Whatever room he sleeps in is irrelevant.
I also can't see the actual problem. Is it your DH sleeping with his Dd or the fact she has a separate room? If she sleeps alone would you be happy for her to have a room?
Why can't she share your DDs room when she's over?
Where does Dh want Ds to sleep as he grows up?

Borderline Child Abuse? your utterly shocking. Poor little girl.

What was your original long term plan for the children’s rooms? If you knew the baby was coming a year ago yet specifically gave DSD her own room with some fanfare surrounding it, what were you going to do with your own child when he was say 6 months/ a year and needed his own room?

Whether your DSD sleeps in her room is a bit of a red herring as is the 3 month old waking up. None of this information changes the fact you were always well aware you have three children and two rooms.

Actually the cuddling all night to get her to sleep is very wrong. That’s not putting the child first and totally unnecessary. You have a couple of problems here and I can relate to this situation. Stepchildren - unless you have a very big home- should not have there own bedrooms. It makes no sense to have a empty room a large percentage of the time. The resident child should always have there own room. Sharing a room with an older half sibling is actually a much better idea all round in this situation. I actually had a spare room in my house which my stepdaughter used, I never gave her that room to make her own because I knew we were moving to a smaller home and it would have been worse to take it away from her. I got a lot of aggro for that decision but it was the right one. The most important thing in your OP is your SDs sleeping problems. They need to be addressed. I had a three month old son and a three year old SD and I told my H if he didn’t address her sleeping problems she couldn’t stay over anymore. BM was more supportive then.

Wishingilivedanisland do you remember what it’s like to have a three month old? Because I do, and maybe I’m a lesser woman than you but hell yeah I wanted my H to put me first and help me with night feeds. I was exhausted!

How is cuddling a 5 year old and cosleeping with them child abuse? You sound fucked up?

Although I think your son deserves a room more than your step daughter does because he lives there, I feel like it’s unfair to take it away from her. If you knew you were having a baby you shouldn’t have given her her own room in the first place.

As for her sleeping I it’s, her dad needs to sort that out.

Also which is it, does he sleep from 7-5 or are you alone doing night feeds?

Firstly why are you waking ds for a night feed? If he's happy to sleep through why wouldn't you let him sleep through the night at 3 months?

Secondly - what you're talking about with your dsd is co sleeping and is a valid parenting voice - albeit not yours. This is not 'child abuse' even if you wouldn't do it.

Thirdly, your ds doesn't need his own room yet.

Fourthly if your dsd needs help transitioning from co-sleeping to independent sleeping then your doh needs to have a conversation with his ex and that needs to be managed jointly

@WitchyMcpooface saying stepchildren shouldn't have their own room is one of the saddest/ stupidest things I've read on here.
They should have a room as it is their home when they are there. They aren't guests to be put up somewhere.
God, sometimes I feel the worst step mum in the world but then I read something like that and realise I'm pretty far from it. So thanks for that at least

Clearly mixed reviews on co-sleeping. I do not agree with co-sleeping. I think it effects children emotionally as they end up with attachment issues. But that's not what this post was about. It was about the bedroom and sleeping situation.

We gave her a room to try and get her to sleep better in preparation for the baby coming and have been trying for a year. This is when we moved in together. She didn't not have a bedroom then we gave her one. I had a few sleeping issues with my daughter when she was 3, a week of tough love and she was sleeping alone and has done ever since. But every time DSD goes back to her mam we're back to square one because she's had another 5/6 nights of being cuddled to sleep. We've even spoken to her mam who agrees she should be sleeping in her own room and bed, but does nothing about it. She even goes to bed and goes to sleep herself at 7 o'clock each night with her daughter.

DH ends up sitting on her bedroom floor for sometimes up to 4 hours while she falls asleep. She goes through all the usual stalling techniques like tummy ache, it's too hot it's too cold, she's thirsty, needs a wee etc. He then leaves the room (if he hasn't already fallen asleep on the floor after working 13 hour shifts for 5 days) but she doesn't stay asleep long, constantly looking for someone to hold/touch.

I don't purposely wake my son for a feed, I put him down between 7 and 7:30 to sleep. Then when we go to bed around 10/10:30 we disturb him by going into the room.

As I said if you have a large house! If you don’t, you shouldn’t do it. Read the post correctly

'Clearly mixed reviews on co-sleeping. I do not agree with co-sleeping. I think it effects children emotionally as they end up with attachment issues.'

Yeah, solid attachments to their parents.

The way you call her 'my darling little stepdaughter' is chillingly sarcastic.