Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

She's rarely asleep so he tends to end up being on her bedroom floor so long that he falls asleep himself, obviously he then doesn't hear the baby if he wakes in the night, so it falls on me to deal with it all. I wouldn't go into her room to get him either in fear of waking her up and having to start all over again.
I sat and talked with her for about 20 minutes at 3 o'clock this morning. I asked her why she'd woken up and said she should be asleep and she just kept saying "I know and I want to go back to sleep but I can't" I gave her a teddy that is almost as big as her and told her to cuddle it and pretend it was her mum. She put it on the floor and said no, as she wanted to try and sleep herself.
I told her that if she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, that I'd send her dad in to see her in 10 minutes.
It's sad to watch because of how much she wants to do it and can't.
We probably shouldn't have given her her own room last year. But my partner insisted that it was his daughter and needed to become her home. I think he was just hoping we could be somewhere bigger in time for all needing their own rooms, but that's just not possible.
Or she would be sleeping better by now and could share with the eldest.

Not much helpful advice here but sympathy, am in similar situation.
Dsd co sleeps with mum. Age 8 but developmentally age about 3.
She wanted to share with our dd but she disrupted her sleep even though we persevered for a bit. She doesn’t want her own room, just wants to be where we or dd are. She sleeps in same room as dh when she stays and l sleep in another room as my sleep was getting very disturbed. It’s not great. Dd has been in own room since age 2 and generally has a better routine with sleep and toileting but I can’t step in against what dsd’s mum and dh wants.

She hasn't got a bedroom at her mams house because her mam doesn't want her out of her bed. She does house share but their is still 2 spare bedrooms. As far as I know those rooms aren't even used for her toys or anything either. (I don't know that for a fact, it's just the impression I get from things she says about always playing in mammys room)

It is speculation but lets face it, its the reason most people co sleep isnt it.

No idea, I don't know any parents of NT children who do it. A few with kids with ASN but that's different reasons.

I sat and talked with her for about 20 minutes at 3 o'clock this morning. I asked her why she'd woken up and said she should be asleep and she just kept saying "I know and I want to go back to sleep but I can't" I gave her a teddy that is almost as big as her and told her to cuddle it and pretend it was her mum. She put it on the floor and said no, as she wanted to try and sleep herself.

That's progress surely?

I told her that if she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, that I'd send her dad in to see her in 10 minutes.

So he wasn't on her floor? Where was he?

@sarahg216 it's hard isn't it. Especially if your husband is wanting to sleep with her still. My other half doesn't want to sleep with her and wants the situation resolving and thinks what her mam is doing is wrong but is struggling to get anywhere with what he's trying to do. I would have the same issue with my daughters sleep being disturbed, there's also the age difference issue of the eldest having more expensive things like an iPhone and a laptop that she doesn't want the 5yo touching incase she breaks it. But if we were to say they were sharing I would make some kind of divide and boundary in the room to keep their belongings separate.

@InTheHeatofLisbon he had gone downstairs to get a drink. She woke me up crying and I went to the toilet and realised he wasn't there so I went and sat and spoke to her. He heard me in there so sat on the landing listening, so obviously when I told her I'd send him in if she tried to sleep. He left her for a bit.

@InTheHeatofLisbon it is progress. But we make slight progress every weekend which gets undone when she goes home.
I am more patient at sitting and reasoning with her, and she does tend to listen to me more as she knows I'm not as soft and she won't get away with as much. I just have less time to do that because of the baby and also she would rather have her dad there than me which is understandable

I think her inability to stay asleep is more than just because of co sleeping. It's not usual for a NT 5 year old to be up and down so much. Has she been to the doctor?

I was harsh on this thread, because of the way you'd written it and the tone you'd taken.

If your OP had read like your recent posts I wouldn't have.

Lucy2311- did you read the post? I do have stepchildren. Slightly over the top response. If I had a house where everyone could have a room of there own but logistically that’s not viable in most cases. Do read the posts in context before calling people names. I have the same expectations of all the children in my household, everyone is treated equally and the rules apply to everyone. No is excluded or exclusive to them. I didn’t takeaway anyone’s bedroom as I knew I didn’t have one to give permanently. That’s actually a kind thing to do. Children share bedrooms everywhere. I had some of my most happiest times sharing a bedroom with my older step sister. As a result we are very close.

Yeah well I wrote it at 1 o'clock in the morning after she had screamed the house down so loud that she woke the baby who I then struggled to get back to sleep, and even my 11 year old came down and did some eye rolling about the fact she'd woken her up too. So I vented my anger on here while I was still pissed off that no one was asleep.
I actually suggested seeing a doctor about it, because I'm a pharmacist and you wouldn't believe how many children are on medication to help them sleep. It's quite common.
But I don't think it's the inability to stay asleep, she stays asleep all night if someone is there. It's as if she can sense that you've left and she's alone so wakes up as soon as nobody is there.

The longest I've known her to sleep alone is 2 and a half hours, but we had been out all day really busy and she was knackered, fell asleep in her supper and we carried her to bed asleep and she was zonked for ages. But that was just a one off

Our youngest is 7 and has only just started sleeping through reliably in his own bed. He still crawls in with either us or his sister on occasion.

As he says, we don’t have to sleep alone so why does he have to? He’s got a fair point. And DD likes it when he’s in with her because then she isn’t lonely.

Sleeping on your own is a really recent phenomenon if you think about it.

Yeah well I wrote it at 1 o'clock in the morning after she had screamed the house down so loud that she woke the baby who I then struggled to get back to sleep, and even my 11 year old came down and did some eye rolling about the fact she'd woken her up too. So I vented my anger on here while I was still pissed off that no one was asleep.

Having read your more recent posts, that is clear, and I take back my original thoughts on it given the new updates.

It read very differently previously, and if that was accurate I'd stand by my original harsh posts. But it's clear now that they were borne of frustration and you clearly do have an issue with the mother not helping the wee girl. So I'm sorry.

Melatonin is a common one I've heard of. It was mooted for DS1 by his paediatrician because he wasn't sleeping through at 7, but thankfully he managed to learn. No idea how, so no advice I'm afraid.

The way you describe the Mum's attitude is quite worrying, if she's ignoring what her DD is saying (which is originally what it read like you were doing). Why doesn't she have a bed?

Is your DSD staying with you for a week or so an option? So you can break the cycle almost, one night or two doesn't seem enough.

Why is she screaming?

@InTheHeatofLisbon
I have no idea why she doesn't have her own room at their house when there is enough space for it. I would guess that it's selfishness from the mother who wants the company herself. But I don't know that for a fact. I said previously aswell that we had offered to buy her a bed and furniture to make her a bedroom just incase it was a stretch financially but she refused our help.

As for her coming more often, it was a suggestion we made and her mam said no because it just means more nights she isn't getting a good night sleep.
We suggested her sleeping during the week and then me taking her to school and she said I couldn't because I was too busy with the baby and couldn't possibly have time to drop her at school (I don't see how that was anything but an excuse, because I'm up and out doing a school run any way)
If she slept better then she could stay more often, but because my other half does a lot of night shifts, she wouldn't stay with just me while he's at work, but it's something we're hoping to work towards as she gets better at sleeping.
He's also on call a lot, so although he's not guaranteed to end up going to work, it means she can't stay just incase he does.

@DtPeabodysLoosePants that's what she does when she wakes up and nobody is there and continues to do so until someone comes.

Goodness, that's behaviour that I wouldn't be putting up with. FWIW I often co-sleep with my 4 yo for the simple reason that I'm a single parent and we will both sleep better. He does have his own room and will quite happily sleep in there. It's rare he sleeps all night though and will come upstairs to me (he sleeps on the middle floor) at varying hours. There is no way he would get away with screaming. He just comes up, dumps his cuddlies on the bed and climbs in and goes to sleep. He doesn't disturb anyone else. Maybe putting dsd with your dd will put a stop to that nonsense although does she say why she's screaming? Is a light left on so she's not in the dark when she wakes?

@InTheHeatofLisbon my partner does use holidays over school holidays when he can to have her more while she's off school, but usually by day 2 she's crying to go home and sleep with her mam.
She has stayed for a week before while her mam buggered off on holiday without her, so she knew she had no option to go home even if she wanted to, and by the end of the week we had made quite a lot of progress with her falling asleep alone.
But that was all undone when she returned home again.
I feel like we've tried everything and running out of ideas. I've even tried letting the cat sleep with her for company but the cat got bored and went out!

@DtPeabodysLoosePants yes, light left on. She has a night light that plugs in the wall but it's not very bright, and another on the wall. But because she says it's too dark, we take one of the bedside lamps from our room into her room for the night. I've even then tried turning that off once she's asleep thinking being a bit darker will help keep her asleep but it doesn't. I think the screaming is for attention because she knows someone will come quicker is she's disrupting the other kids.

SSF8 it sounds exhausting. On call isn't much fun either, I've done that and it's not ideal for family life but needs must eh?

I hope things improve for you all soon.

Oh my goodness. If my DH, who i suspect cruises MN for insight from time to time, read this thread he would think I had written it and changed some details.
My DSD is nearly 8 and my baby is 1 month. We are in the same co-sleeping dependency nightmare. With bum wiping added in for good measure. Yes, DSD wakes up crying in the night and needs her bum wiped for her just like her baby brother does, and her realisation that she is on the same developmental level as him in these areas is a crying shame to witness.
She too wants to learn to do these things herself, as it’s becoming more obvious to her as she reaches sleepover age that it’s not normal among her peers. Any progress we make with her is undone the second she goes back to her mum. It’s so frustrating for everyone so you have my sympathy

Does her mum work? You see, getting up every few hours for a week is one thing but trying to perform at work after weeks of getting up at night over and over isn't feasible long term. I think you dismiss that these solutions that you see as easy will be her every day life, alone. 5/7 days, she will be dealing with the bad nights, alone, on those days.

If I were her, my reservation about letting her stay with you guys more often would be that you, OP, and maybe her dad too, seem to fob off the fact that she's genuinely terrified. I know there is nothing to be scared of and it's completely irrational, but she is scared and that is why she is screaming.

I wouldn't want my child to just cry it out and I'd be worried that you guys might go for that. I mean, I would consider this in some circumstances but not if the other adults involved (professionals and family) didn't acknowledge how real her fear is.

Exposure techniques are said to work but some people are damaged by them.

@WitchyMcpooface I do remember what it was like to have a 3 month old. Agree, exhausting.

I EBF so did every night feed. I was not alone however because my DH contributed to the family by stepping up the amount of time and attention he gave to our other commitments such as the emotional and practical needs of our older children who did not cease to exist or just because we had a 3 month old.

And our DC hadn't had any of the upheaval this poor child has.

I didn't resent this, strangely enough. Maybe the OP wouldn't either if the 5 year old was her biological daughter. Maybe she wouldn't resent it if she reframed her thinking and realised that this child is equally important and entitled to her fathers attention as the 3 month old. In fact, more needing of it because she only sees him on the weekend.

This family made the decision to have a baby knowing that the 5 year old was a bad sleeper, knowing how many rooms their house had, knowing that DH worked long shifts during the week etc. they did it anyway and not expect this tiny child to adapt once again to suit them.

If OP wanted to have the undivided attention and support of her partner - she should have married someone who didn't already have a child of his own.

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland

If OP wanted to have the undivided attention and support of her partner - she should have married someone who didn't already have a child of his own.

She doesn't want his undivided attention, she wants his divided attention rather than the no attention she and the baby are currently getting in the night, and I would expect that whether the other children were biologically mine or not.

OP makes time for her other child and the baby, he should be doing the same. It shouldn't be he does his daughter and she does hers and theirs together.

@AE18 'no attention' in the night? How ridiculous. It's 2 nights of the week at most.

OPs older daughter is much older and lives with them full time. It's not exactly a like for like comparison you're making here.