Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

Why did you get pregnant so soon after only just moving in together...very unsettling for the 5yo dsd. Let her have her nighttime cuddles with her dad.
Co sleeping isn't child abuse either you sound very strange

Actually she did say mum agrees she should be sleeping on her own but does nothing about it.

Then clearly she is happy with the status quo. It isn't for OP to tell her how to parent in her own home, and it isn't for OP to shift the goalposts because her own situation has changed.

You're missing context here, I said he needs to be at home bonding with his baby in response to a comment saying he could spend a month living with his ex to sort out his older daughters sleep problems

I don't think it's appropriate for him to move out for a month either. But he is parent to both children, and both should be his priority.

Has he said he thinks it needs to change? Because all I'm reading is OP saying what she wants and OPs DD saying what she wants without anyone considering what the wee girl needs.

That's my issue.

@Kewlwife

Staying over more with a stepmother who refers to her as "darling SD" and is generally resentful that her partner has to do this at all? I can't see how that's a good idea. Particularly as the OP also wants to take back her room there.

If the step mum is resentful of her step daughter and let's those feelings show then that is an entirely different issue that needs addressing separately, but it is still inappropriate for him to change to contact arrangement and live away from his family home for a month with or without a small baby in the house he needs to be looking after.

From the sounds of it, OP only expects night time help from partner on the weekends but he doesn't do that anyway due to his daughter's sleep anxiety. He could spend a lot of time with the whole family and even sometimes his daughter could be alone with her mother, but for a month, he returns back to hers for bedtime routine and sleeps on the sofa or whatever plan they are doing to encourage independent sleep.

It is still unfair of him to only address one of his child's needs for a month when he willingly conceived a second child with needs. If he were to suggest not seeing his older child at all for a month because his baby is waking in the night and needs support, would that be appropriate? Of course it wouldn't.
*
The boundaries are clear. They are in a monogamous relationship I assume so surely he isn't desiring sexual or romantic intimacy with other people (including exes). If she's having to make rules to control who he is intimate with then that's a different thread about whether monogamy is working for them as a couple. It has nothing to do with what needs to be done by co-parents to create a healthy and liveable environment for everyone.*

It's nothing to do with cheating, I would consider it very unfair for my partner to leave me alone for a full month with our joint child to stay with anyone if it were not essential for the survival of the family, such as a work commitment they couldn't support themselves without. It is doubly inappropriate because she is his ex, but this is not the core issue, the issue is him being away for that length of time at all without it being arranged prior to taking on the responsibility of another child. That is not healthy or liveable for his family.

I'm so sorry for this little girl. As some PP's have alluded to, your attitude towards her is concerning and very unlikely to create a secure environment where she's going to feel comfortable sleeping on her own. Why not share your views on the little girl with her mum, problem solved, she won't be allowed back ,

AE18 you've latched onto the month away, which only one poster has proposed and nobody else has agreed with.

It's deflecting from the fact that the SM is dictating what should happen and when, even in her DSDs home, because her situation has changed.

I don't see how he can't still get up with the baby if he's on his DDs bedroom floor. Presumably he still has ears?

What is profoundly unfair is that she was given this room, with a huge fuss made of decorating it and making it her own, only to have it taken away, before she sleeps through the night, because OP wants it for her son. So this wee lass, who already struggles with sleep will have to change rooms, again, and share with a much older step sibling that she's only known for a year, because OP says so. And she's to sleep through the night so OPs son can have his room, because OP says so.

She's not been considered at all by OP who appears resentful and angry about a 5 yo child, who only stays once a week, needing her Daddy.

Why does her son need his daddy more than her DSD?

Why is it one or the other?

It doesn't have to be. It is OP drawing lines because she resents him being away from her and her son to support his DD.

@InTheHeatofLisbon

Then clearly she is happy with the status quo. It isn't for OP to tell her how to parent in her own home, and it isn't for OP to shift the goalposts because her own situation has changed.

You are looking for ways to disagree with me without reading what I said. I specifically said the mother doesn't have to change her parenting if she doesn't want to, but likewise the father doesn't have to adopt her method, and it is not fair on the rest of his household for him to do so.

It is not clear that the mother doesn't want things to change, she has said that she agrees it should. It's very possible that she does want it to change but doesn't feel she can handle it on her own.

I don't think it's appropriate for him to move out for a month either. But he is parent to both children, and both should be his priority.

Exactly, so he should be prioritising both of his children by living in his family home with both, not leaving for a month to prioritise one. In terms of what happens in the night, I do think it's appropriate to prioritise helping his younger child with sleep, because his older child is at an age where they should being encouraged not to need that help, and the baby's need to wake in the night is stronger.

*Has he said he thinks it needs to change? Because all I'm reading is OP saying what she wants and OPs DD saying what she wants without anyone considering what the wee girl needs.

That's my issue.*

Fair enough if you think so, I'm not defending OPs tone if she is the only one with a problem, but she says that they have been jointly trying to tackle the sleep problem for a long time and are struggling, so there is no suggestion that the father doesn't also want to change it. Perhaps this is something that OP could clarify.

Still, unless he said prior to having the child that he would not be helping with any of the nights due to his older child's needs, then I do think it is unfair for him to expect OP to shoulder this entire responsibility alone, because it is jointly his. If he wants to sleep in the same room as his daughter and not help her to grow out of this requirement then he should be putting a baby monitor in there and sharing the load of waking with the baby, because he has a responsibility to both whether the older child is struggling or not.

@AE18

But he has an older child who has sleep issues that probably should have been considered if not addressed before this new baby was even thought of. Yes, now he has a younger child too but honestly, a 3 month old baby doesn't know any different and it sounds like Dad isn't the carer at night for most of the week anyway. He now has to play "catch up". Especially given his current partner is feeling so negatively about his daughter's needs.

It seems like he works full time and doesnt do night feeds on school nights so what difference would it make if for 1 month, he was away for those nights given that it could mean they get to sleep together and only disturbed by young babies for the rest of their relationship?

likewise the father doesn't have to adopt her method, and it is not fair on the rest of his household for him to do so

Sod the wee lass and what she needs eh? Got it.

Exactly, so he should be prioritising both of his children by living in his family home with both

He is one every day, one at weekends. Apparently that's not good enough for OP.

Still, unless he said prior to having the child that he would not be helping with any of the nights due to his older child's needs, then I do think it is unfair for him to expect OP to shoulder this entire responsibility alone, because it is jointly his.

I don't see why he can't get up with the baby too, that's between him and OP, not the fault of the 5 yo.

She's the only person in all of this expected to change, to modify her behaviour, and to cope with changes because OP says so.

If you can't see how unfair that is, fair enough.

I'm just glad my son's SM doesn't resent him being in her home and I'm glad DSDs have a home that they are part of in our home.

SMs often get it tough, unfairly. This is not one of those situations.

Oh my goodness....the step parenting threads on here never change. Been away for couple of years, only using Facebook support groups for these issues but just thought I’d see how things are on here. Step mums still getting a bad time...honestly if you had any mental health/self image issues and posted on here god knows where you’d be driven to. Nasty stuff from total strangers. Surprised mumsnet don’t send out hair shirts to step mums posting on here so they can punish themselves!

It is difficult to know where to start...how do you come up with your beliefs? You do know that they should have some kind of connection to facts, don't you?

A three month old should NOT be sleeping alone, it's against SIDS guidelines.

Co-sleeping does NOT lead to attachment issues, being scared and alone during night time actually does.

You sound heartless and ignorant.

Oh my goodness....the step parenting threads on here never change.

Well seen you've been away, because I've been on numerous threads where a SM has posted for advice and had it, along with support.

Funnily enough not one of those threads involved a SM resenting a 5 yo, and expecting them to dance to their tune because things have changed for the SM.

@InTheHeatofLisbon

you've latched onto the month away, which only one poster has proposed and nobody else has agreed with.

I haven't latched on to anything, I was having a back and forth with that one poster about that suggestion when you responded to me. I have offered my more general suggestion to OP elsewhere.
*
It's deflecting from the fact that the SM is dictating what should happen and when, even in her DSDs home, because her situation has changed. *

As I said, I don't think anyone should dictate what the mother should do, but the situation HAS changed so things do need to adapt in THEIR household, regardless of what mum is doing.

I don't see how he can't still get up with the baby if he's on his DDs bedroom floor. Presumably he still has ears?

I agree, I think he should have a baby monitor and get up regardless of where he is sleeping, but not helping at all is unfair.

What is profoundly unfair is that she was given this room, with a huge fuss made of decorating it and making it her own, only to have it taken away, before she sleeps through the night, because OP wants it for her son. So this wee lass, who already struggles with sleep will have to change rooms, again, and share with a much older step sibling that she's only known for a year, because OP says so. And she's to sleep through the night so OPs son can have his room, because OP says so.

I suggested in my comment to OP that she should have a travel cot for baby and have them sleep in step daughter's room when she isn't there, and move him back in with them when she is, until he is old enough to need a permanent solution. I disagreed that it was fair to promise the step daughter a room and then take it from her, if I knew a baby was coming I would have had her share with the older daughter from the off. Lots of children have to share a room regardless of sleep issues and if there are three children and one is a baby then the older two will have to share. She should be encouraged to sleep through the night not because OP wants it, but because that is what is best for her. Every parent should want their child to sleep through the night.

But yes it was unfair to give her the room knowing they would need to take it away.

*She's not been considered at all by OP who appears resentful and angry about a 5 yo child, who only stays once a week, needing her Daddy.

Why does her son need his daddy more than her DSD?

Why is it one or the other? *

It isn't one or the other, like I said it should be both. But he cannot shirk his responsibility towards a newborn baby to focus solely on his older child.

It doesn't have to be. It is OP drawing lines because she resents him being away from her and her son to support his DD.

If OP resents him then that is a problem, I don't dispute that, but he SHOULD be there for both of his children and has a responsibility to stay in the family home. Both children need him.

As I said, I don't think anyone should dictate what the mother should do, but the situation HAS changed so things do need to adapt in THEIR household, regardless of what mum is doing.

Again, that is completely ignoring what his DD needs because OP said so. And OP repeatedly attacks the mother for not doing it her way.

It isn't one or the other, like I said it should be both. But he cannot shirk his responsibility towards a newborn baby to focus solely on his older child.

Nobody has said that, but I find it ludicrous that it's the 5 yo who needs to change their behaviour in that situation. It's the father!

If OP resents him then that is a problem, I don't dispute that, but he SHOULD be there for both of his children and has a responsibility to stay in the family home. Both children need him

Then why is the OP only considering her own children? But he's to change the behaviour of the only one in the house that isn't hers?

The resentment is clear, from OP towards the child and her mother. Including the nasty little "darling little stepdaughter" comment which was snide and unecessary.

OPs DD shouldn't be inconvenienced by having to share a room until the DSD can sleep through. OPs words.

OP doesn't want to solely do the night feeds when DSD is there. (don't see why she can't tell her partner this, because it's him not getting up with the baby). OPs words.

XW needs to change what happens in her house to suit what OP wants. OPs words.

DD has to give up the room they gave her, because OP said so. OPs words.

If you can point out to me, anywhere, that OP even once considers the needs of her DSD I'll apologise and revise my opinion.

But she doesn't. At all.

Lol As a SM I have my rules in my home. My rules are everyone sleeps in there own bed, at the proper time. That is not unreasonable. No one gets special treatment, everyone is the same. If I ask for help with parenting and receive none, then yes, no more sleep overs. I agree with you intheheat, it shouldn’t be necessary to resort to this but it’s my house, my rules, I pay the bills, I work hard, I cook for all, I clean for all. When they grow up they can sleep however they like but I’m the adult and I want to go to sleep! It’s a win win surely. You make out like I’m being cruel, I did it with love I promise u. Parents sleeping on floors is ridiculous, surely.

If you were pregnant when you moved in together I don’t understand why you gave SD her own room rather than having her share with your DD.

@witchymcpooface

Do you also tell your adult partner where they will sleep and discipline them if they disobey?

@InTheHeatofLisbon

Oh my gosh I can't explain the same thing any more times.

Sod the wee lass and what she needs eh? Got it.

No, but not sod the baby either, he should be helping with both.

He is  one every day, one at weekends. Apparently that's not good enough for OP.

OP said he works in the week so doesn't help then either. He has two children and should be helping with both of them when they are there, not just one. That's not how it works when you have two children. OP looks after her 11 year old and their joint child. He should be looking after his 5 year old and their joint child. OP can't neglect her her baby because she has another child, neither can he.

I don't see why he can't get up with the baby too, that's between him and OP, not the fault of the 5 yo.

I didn't say it was her fault, but he needs to fix it by being there for both.

She's the only person in all of this expected to change, to modify her behaviour, and to cope with changes because OP says so.

No, because it goes against the needs of the other children in the household and they all need to be considered, not just her.

I'm just glad my son's SM doesn't resent him being in her home and I'm glad DSDs have a home that they are part of in our home.

A part of, not the sole person that needs looking after. She has a sibling that she needs to share her fathers time with.

SMs often get it tough, unfairly. This is not one of those situations.

The unfair part is that the father is not helping with his baby at all. There wouldn't be an issue if he was helping with both.

Personally, I don't see working as a reason to never help with night feeds. I breastfed but both partners I have conceived with would share night duty. Cuddles, nappy changes etc.

In my eyes, he has more than one family home. Or at least more than one home with family in it. And family he created, not one he was born into without choice.

it shouldn’t be necessary to resort to this but it’s my house, my rules, I pay the bills, I work hard, I cook for all, I clean for all.

I do the same in my house. It doesn't mean I can tell my DSDs they're not welcome in their dad's home if they behave in ways I dislike.

You do what you like. Time will tell if it was the right way or not eh?

You are being unreasonable to say a 5 year old sleeping with her mum is borderline child abuse!

@SSF8 your poor DSD just needs a bit of security going to sleep, you're about to put the 'needs' (non existent at this stage) of a 3 month old baby in front of her, a baby if that doesn't need it's own room, it needs it's parents so young - also as a Mum to more than 1 child, you need to realise it's not all about you and whAt you want - it's about the children now - your SD has been damaged I suspect by her tiny life so far, she needs something and it's not a
Self centred shit SM like you who has no compassion to someone else's needs - selfish and ignorant

I really hope your own daughter doesn't have a crappy SM situation if her own dad is still on the scene

FWIW why doesn't your DH sleep with his DD when she's around and if you're incapable of managing a night or two without support then maybe ask him to do the tail end of the night whilst you do the beginning of the night with your 3 month old

Personally, I don't see working as a reason to never help with night feeds.

This. DP always took his share, the only time he didn't is if he had a long drive the next day (at the time he could be expected to drive from Glasgow to Portsmouth occasionally for work).

OPs anger is directed at the wrong people. Her partner is the crap one, so why are the mother of the wee girl and the wee girl herself the problem?

They're not.

@InTheHeatofLisbon

This is getting tiring now, you're cross posting to say the same things over and over.

Again, that is completely ignoring what his DD needs because OP said so. And OP repeatedly attacks the mother for not doing it her way.

It's nothing to do with OP saying so. Things change when you have a sibling and the father will need to help looking after both. This is true of any scenario where there is more than one child. She may have attached the mother for not doing so but I haven't, I've repeatedly said it's not the mums problem.

Nobody has said that, but I find it ludicrous that it's the 5 yo who needs to change their behaviour in that situation. It's the father!

You have said that the father should be there for the baby during the week and just focus on the 5yo on weekends, which in my book is shirking his responsibility to the baby during that time. Yes it's the father, I keep saying that?

But as there is now a sibling, yes the older child will need to adapt, as with any siblings.

Then why is the OP only considering her own children? But he's to change the behaviour of the only one in the house that isn't hers?

If OPs daughter required her mums full attention all night so OP could not care for her baby, then she would have to address her own child's expectations, but that isn't the case, it's his daughters expectations that are unsustainable in a house with three kids.

The resentment is clear, from OP towards the child and her mother. Including the nasty little "darling little stepdaughter" comment which was snide and unecessary.

Maybe so, but this doesn't change the problem of him not helping with one child so he can focus on another. That will breed resentment because it is unfair on the baby.

OPs DD shouldn't be inconvenienced by having to share a room until the DSD can sleep through. OPs words.

I think the older two should share regardless of whether the oldest girl wants it, but like you say that has been complicated by unwisely promising the step daughter her own room when it wasn't feasible.

*OP doesn't want to solely do the night feeds when DSD is there. (don't see why she can't tell her partner this, because it's him not getting up with the baby). OPs words.

XW needs to change what happens in her house to suit what OP wants. OPs words.

DD has to give up the room they gave her, because OP said so. OPs words.

If you can point out to me, anywhere, that OP even once considers the needs of her DSD I'll apologise and revise my opinion.

But she doesn't. At all.*

I haven't said any of this is not true, I disagreed with those things. But regardless of any of that, OPs father should be helping with his baby when his other daughter is there.

@Kewlwife

In my eyes, he has more than one family home. Or at least more than one home with family in it. And family he created, not one he was born into without choice.

Yes, because you have a very specific dynamic that not many share, especially those with new partners who did not agree to this.

My partner does not have a family home with his ex since he made his own choice to leave it. His family home is here, with me, our daughter, and my step son during visitation. If he wanted a family home with her he would not have left it. We are not polyamorous, this is his home. Everyone is different but this is by and large the most common situation.