Am I being unreasonable

[SSF8]

Bit of background. I have one DD age 11.
OH has one DD age 5 and we have one DS together who is 3 month old.
Basically OH's DD lives with her mam and shares a bedroom with her and gets cuddled to sleep all night (borderline child abuse in my eyes) she is almost 6! So when she comes to ours she expects the same thing. We gave her a bedroom, decorated it in unicorns at her request, all the decorations and fairy lights she wanted.... this was almost a year ago when we knew the baby would be arriving. We now have a 3 month old baby... my darling little stepdaughter still won't sleep alone. My other half is on her bedroom floor every weekend, leaving me to the night feeds while he's off work and could be giving me a break.
DS has started sleeping better and I am wanting to give him his own room and space as we now tend to wake him up coming to bed. If we don't wake him he sleeps from 7-5am (I know this from the number of times I've fell asleep on the sofa) DH won't let me give him his own room as he wants his daughter to have her own room when she sleeps. My daughter is 11 and would be happy to share with his 5 year old once a week IF she slept good .... but she doesn't!
What do I do. I'm at my wits end. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like we just argue constantly over our children!!

You're right, it is tiring.

I'm saying he should be doing his share with the baby and with his DD. I've never said he should shirk his responsibility to his son, not once so you made that up.

What I'm saying is that OP is being an arsehole and it's her partner who is wrong, and neither of them are considering the wee girl's needs.

But I'm sure you'll make up your own narrative won't you?

Being a SM is hard, nobody is denying that. But children born before you meet a new partner shouldn't take a back seat because the new partner says so.

My relationship structure has nothing to do with it. I don't think that my kid stays my kid and part of my family because I'm polyamorous, I think that because I'm a parent!

Children who co sleep do not struggle with attachment issues. I'm in my 60s and Co sleeping was very coomon when I was a baby mainly through necessity. My mother did it with me and alll my siblings as did her fiends we are all emotionally healthy adults. MY DD has done it with her children all are happy, confident well adjusted and sociable children.
I'm not saying it's for everyone I didn't do it with my children but it's nonsense to say it creates attachment issues.

Though I'd admit that I do think the idea that he is part of another family now and not that one (although DC1 can make make guest appearances in the new family unit) is influenced by mono-normative culture.

No offence, but does this remind you a bit of Janice in Friends? Like yeah,she's in Friends, but only when she's on screen, you know?

@Kewlwife

My relationship structure has nothing to do with it. I don't think that my kid stays my kid and part of my family because I'm polyamorous, I think that because I'm a parent!

Of course the child stays family, but the ex does not unless this is your specific dynamic, and her home is not my partner's home. Step son is a part of both homes. My partner living back and forth between me and his ex and calling both home would be a deal breaker for many, many people, and it is unfair to suddenly implement that dynamic after embarking on a long term, committed relationship and having a child together.

@InTheHeatofLisbon

*You're right, it is tiring.

I'm saying he should be doing his share with the baby and with his DD. I've never said he should shirk his responsibility to his son, not once so you made that up.

What I'm saying is that OP is being an arsehole and it's her partner who is wrong, and neither of them are considering the wee girl's needs.

But I'm sure you'll make up your own narrative won't you?

Being a SM is hard, nobody is denying that. But children born before you meet a new partner shouldn't take a back seat because the new partner says so.*

Then I don't see why you feel the need to address this to me, because my sole quibble has always been and remains that the father is not helping with his baby in favour of only helping with his older child.

I completely agree that the father is the problem.

Step children should not take a back seat but ALL children have to adapt when a new sibling is born. It's not about OP, it's about life when you have two children.

Why does admitting that you're part of 2 family units including your ex partner/co-parent negate a long term commitment? I don't understand how the 2 are related. Being "family" doesn't mean you're still in love or will have sex. It just means you acknowledge that you have significant people in more than one home and that you've had more than one relationship that included baby making.

I don't think he should always go back and forth, but I do think a targeted month where he works with his ex to encourage independent sleeping might be a solution that alleviates the OP's issue.

God, this is sad. Everything you're saying about your stepdaughter indicates that she is anxious around bedtime- and seeing as she stays with you only one night out of seven, it is pretty understandable. Not that this is anyone's fault, but she's coming into a home with 2 other children, both of which count that house as their primary home- That's probably quite difficult for her. She needs a hug, smiles, reassurance. She needs to know that you all still love, value and notice her even though there is a new baby.

I realise you're tired with such a young child, but you write about her as if she's an annoyance. I'm sure you do your best to disguise that, but it's very possible that she's picked up on it. She's just a scared and vulnerable little girl.

What if your DH takes her to bed and takes his time with her? Say he'll read her a story and stay with her until she sleeps- he can read a book or something while she dozes off? Be honest- tell her he's going to go once she's properly asleep, but if she wakes up again, he will not be far away and can always come for a hug. Maybe say that if she wakes up at night, she can put the lamp on and read a book until she feels sleepy again.

This situation needs kindness. She deserves kindness.

BTW- In the same way as you think attachment parenting is wrong, I think it's very wrong to deny a child comfort when he/she is afraid and alone. We have different styles of parenting, and that's fine- but you have no right to expect this child's mother to change her parenting style because you feel differently to her.

@Kewlwife

*Why does admitting that you're part of 2 family units including your ex partner/co-parent negate a long term commitment? I don't understand how the 2 are related. Being "family" doesn't mean you're still in love or will have sex. It just means you acknowledge that you have significant people in more than one home and that you've had more than one relationship that included baby making.

I don't think he should always go back and forth, but I do think a targeted month where he works with his ex to encourage independent sleeping might be a solution that alleviates the OP's issue.*

You just have a very specific world view and you can't see that most people do not see things that way. My partner doesn't "admit" that he is part of two family units because he isn't, he has one family and a son that also has another family.

By committing to be with me and have a baby with me, he committed to live with us and not take extended breaks away to suit just himself. Step son is part of our family, but he is committed to living with me and a family with me, not his ex.

It most definitely isn’t borderline child abuse and it also isn’t the social norm either.

The child is only 5 years old, it’s natural for a child to want to cuddle up with a parent for sleep if they are ill, distressed or afraid or sometimes just for closeness and comfort. After all, isn’t that why you cuddle up to and with your partner at night? For comfort and closeness. We are all human beings and operate mostly from the same places and desire the same or similar things.

The issue is, that if he’s snuggled up with her then he’s not snuggled up with you, and that there is the sticking point in this I feel.

Your child in only 3months old and therefore there is no real impetus for a child of that age to need its own room as if life depends on it.

You have started walking down that fateful path sign-posted ‘resentment’ I feel. Which really is where this post has originated from, from the resentment that has built up within you. I’m not blaming you, I’ve been there myself and as I recall, it was an absolutely horrible experience and one I never ever want to repeat.

I would waste less time on here asking if you are being unreasonable or not and perhaps more or some time talking to someone who can help you with this emotion in real-life, such as a counsellor or a priest or a Buddhist or anyone basically who is rooted peacefully within themselves. This emotion, if not kept in check can literally tear you, your relationship and anything else you value apart because that’s the nature of resentment.

Good luck

@AE18

But it isn't to just "suit himself", it may be something he needs to do temporarily to play his part in contentment for all the family he's chosen to have (DC1, ex, OP, SC who will be influenced by their mother's contentment and DC2). If it worked out ,it would mean OP gets to snuggle with her partner every night and have help with night feeds when she needs it.

It's made my day this thread. I only wanted advice on getting her to sleep better to we could eventually swap bedrooms around!
Moving house isn't an option. We pay £500 a month in child maintenance and she lives in a 5 bedroom house with her mum but still doesn't have a bedroom or bed.
I might show resentment venting my frustration on a bunch of strangers. But on a day to day basis. I pick his child up from school, I drop her off at dancing, I take her to the park, I take her pretty much everywhere I go when she's in our care. Her dad has to work a lot for financial reasons while I'm on maternity pay.
She gets all the love and attention she wants when she's in our home. We have no favourites, everyone is treated equally. Everyone gets treats when they're good, everyone gets disciplined when they're bad.
We spend a lot of time speaking to her about bed time and sleeping. And she gets upset because she wants to sleep alone, and she wants to be good, but she can't do it. She even asked her mam to stop going to bed with her so she could try and sleep alone to practice for when she's at dads. And her mam didn't entertain it. We've made it clear to the ex wife that we have rules in her house that have nothing to do with her and vice versa, but when the child is asking to sleep alone and not being allowed, that is having an effect on her emotional well-being and development.
My frustration towards the ex wife is based on the fact she is not listening to what her daughter wants. She wants to learn to sleep so she can sleepover more often because she's very aware of the fact my daughter sees her brother more and her dad sees his son more than he sees her.
None of my frustration is visible to her, she comes to me when she's sad, she asks me for help with her homework, she even used her own pocket money to buy me a birthday gift because her mam wouldn't buy it (understandable) she knows I love her and I'm there for her, it just frustrates me that her home life with her mam is creating tensions around bedtime when she's here.
We even offered to buy her a bed etc for her house and her mam declined the offer. She is clearly doing it for her own needs as she is alone and wants the company. Which isn't right.
As for someone asking who's house it is. It's my house. It's my mortgage, I pay the bills, my partner gives me money each week. But that doesn't matter. It's OUR home. All 5 of us. No matter who pays more or less and we all need to be in agreement about everything.

And yes. The baby was an accident, he wasn't planned, we moved in together for financial reasons and the fact I was pregnant. - but he's 3 month old. I can't change the fact I accidentally got pregnant now. That bits done and we can't change that. Yes it is a lot to take in for a 5 year old. But kids adapt, and she need to learn to adapt too.

My brother also used to feel embarrassed about his sleep anxiety (he couldn't have or go on sleepovers) but the reality was that he couldn't sleep alone without getting up constantly/crying/keeping everyone up. Maybe mum won't entertain it because she knows that it will end with her up and down all night.

That probably is the reason. Which is a bit selfish when she's asking to try! I'm confident it would work too, she stayed here for a full week during half term earlier in the year, and she gradually got better and slept longer as the week went on. we've made a chart too so that when she does sleep well she moves up steps and when she gets to 7 she gets a treat (not that it's ever got up to number 7) but she was so excited making the chart, we got the glitter out and paints out and me and her sat for hours making this chart with princesses and castles and she couldn't wait to go to bed so she could sleep and move up the chart. But then it gets to bedtime and she can't physically do it. In her head she wants to and she's going to. But she can't. And i think that's pretty sad really

With all the respect in the world, until you've got out of bed repeatedly to settle a child who won't just shut up when you give them a boob, I don't think you can call her selfish.

I can't remember did you say she works or studies?

Whilst DSD won't settle on her own, DD should not share have to share with her. It's not fair on your DD to have to share with her mother's DP if he has to sleep in the room with DSD.

In this case put, DS in with DSD. DP can sleep with both his children and deal with them both at night-time. The two half-siblings sharing, would be fine for the next four years or so, until she is 9/10.

In the meantime, if the DDs get on well, then let DSD have "sleep-overs" in DD's room and then "let" that become the permanent arrangement.
Being grown up enough to share with your DD might be the catalyst to helping DSD become more independent.

If the girls don't get on and them sharing would not be an option then, assuming the family unit remains the same, you’ll need to have a serious re-think then - e.g. move or divide a room.

She's actually a teacher, so the 6 weeks holiday would have been the perfect time to do it.
We've also suggested her staying here every night until she is in a routine - but she didn't like that idea either.
I did do it with my own daughter when she was 3. She was unsettled when me and her dad split up and wouldn't go to bed on her own But I persevered until she was back in bed. Think short term sleep deprivation is well worth it for the long term effect. Thankfully it didn't take much longer than a week and she was back in a routine.
It probably would take longer with my SD but I think eventually everyone would be sleeping better, she would, her mum would and we would.

I think you and DSDs mum are just opposite ends of the spectrum. You want your 3 month old out of your room (SIDS guidelines recommends keeping them with you til at least 6 months) and she co-sleeps with her 5 year old. That certainly not child abuse on her part. It’s just very different to the kind of attachment you have with your children.

@Kewlwife

But it isn't to just "suit himself", it may be something he needs to do temporarily to play his part in contentment for all the family he's chosen to have (DC1, ex, OP, SC who will be influenced by their mother's contentment and DC2). If it worked out ,it would mean OP gets to snuggle with her partner every night and have help with night feeds when she needs it.

Like I said, he has not chosen to have a family with his ex, he has chosen to leave that family and bring his child into a different family. It would be to suit his needs and his daughters (though I think detrimental as it's confusing) at the expense of everyone else. Even if I had two children from one person I would not dream of leaving for a month with one, especially when the other is still a baby.

I agree that him staying there with them is a bad idea. They split up for a reason. Because they no longer got on. So why would you want to create an atmosphere in their house which his daughter would pick up on, while they're pretending to like each other.
Also it would be confusing for her because she would think they were getting back together. They've been split up for a long time and they need to keep their 2 families separate.

But the person who has the issue seems to be the OP. She would be the one to get her issue sorted.

I doubt many 5 year olds understand adult romantic relationships to that level of complexity.

Also, not everyone "stops getting on" when they split up. Sometimes it's just about different values and goals.

child abuse??? are you bonkers !