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Original poster

AIBU to not be contributing towards partner's child maintenance??

78 replies

Asteve15 · 23/07/2019 14:16

So this morning me and DP had a blazing argument regarding our DD's second birthday on Saturday and the number of present's I have bought for her. Rightly or wrongly my response was along the lines of well if I don't you won't, which then led to a barrage of well you don't contribute to my kid's maintenance and I already have 5 lots of birthday presents to buy for and 5 xmas presents...(he has five children from previous relationship and one with me). AIBU to not be contributing to his maintenance payments or to think DP would contribute to gifts for our DD?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2019 17:21

Are you defending a man who’s never bought his youngest child a baby grow or a book swing? Are you? Really?

LolaSmiles · 24/07/2019 17:23

swing
Normally I'm quick to see and point out the sex double standards on here but I don't think this thread is one of them.

He chose to have 6 children. Therefore 6 children are entitled to provisions from their dad.

If a woman chose to have 6 children, she would have a duty to ensure the 6 children are provided for.

brightfutureahead · 24/07/2019 17:27

swing, I would say the same no matter who has five kids and what sex the parent/stepparent is.
No matter what, if you have 5 kids, it’s your responsibility to pay for them. I understand when it comes to benefits being affected then the stepparent in the rp’s household is expected to make up the shortfall, but they do make that choice when they move in. Remember the old saying, “You knew what you were getting yourself in to”?

There is absolutely no reason this should mean the op has to pay towards maintenance or that her own child should get less from her father just because he has 4 other children to support. It doesn’t work like that. I’m sure if this man was focusing on his youngest and not paying much for his older children you would be calling him for it.

The op has no moral or legal reasons to pay towards her stepchildren due to the parent she is with (nrp), but her dp has parental responsibility towards his youngest just as much as his important first children.

If you decide to make 5 children, you pay for them equally, no matter what anyone else pays or doesn’t pay.

brightfutureahead · 24/07/2019 17:30

Are you defending a man who’s never bought his youngest child a baby grow or a book swing? Are you? Really?

If it was the other way around, I’m pretty sure swing would be quick to say what an injustice it is. I try not to have personal digs on here, but it’s blindingly obvious the double standards are shining through here.

SummerInTheVillage · 24/07/2019 17:40

Stop paying for his DD when you take her out. Tell him he needs to cover the cost and for every penny he spends on his other children he needs to spend the same on his DD with you.

He's not a prize, OP.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/07/2019 17:40

He's being ridiculous, why would you pay maint for his dc

M0RVEN · 24/07/2019 17:46

I’m sorry Op you are right - he is a bit of an arsehole. Sadly you are not the first woman ( myself included ) to only see this once you have a child together.

OhRuddyHell · 24/07/2019 18:58

@swingofthings have you ever read a stepparenting thread? Confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2019 19:08

Read any OhRuddyHell?! Grin

Same old names are always circling the step parenting board waiting to stick the boot in.

swingofthings · 24/07/2019 19:10

AnneLovesGilbert, we are talkimg about a 2yo who it seems already gets a lot of presents from her mum. Is is obligatory that she gets another one just from dad? In most families I know, presents are from mum and dad whoever has a tuslly spent the money (and indeed, in SAHM, it is likely to be dad paying for everything).

If a woman chose to have 6 children, she would have a duty to ensure the 6 children are provided for
But this is not the case though. How many threads have we had here when the SM has children from a previous relationship, but her partner is earning much more than her and his income is considered the family income to be shared between all the children.

I don't believe for a second that posters would say that it is OK for her partner to insist that she paid for another present from her for their joint child when she hardly has money to pay for her three children and he insists he doesn't have to contribute a penny for their birthdays because they are not his children.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 24/07/2019 19:19

But because it's him who has 5 children, there flows the usual ' he shouldn't have had 5 kids', 'he should earn more', 'he's a crap parent', all statements that would never be made if it was the SM in that position.

In 10 years on MN I have never once heard of a woman who supports 5 out of 6 of her children and only ever bought a cardigan and caterpillar toy for the youngest in its entire 2 year existence. Never. It just doesn’t happen the way you are suggesting.

IvanaPee · 24/07/2019 19:35

@Asteve15 unfortunately you’ve attracted certain posters who will send your thread into biased chaos.

I honestly think you should get rid of his loser arse.

swingofthings · 24/07/2019 19:44

Your maintenance and extras for your kids are the parents responsibility solely
But why doesn't this apply when it is the mother who has more children? A couple who's been together 10 years, she has 5 children from a previous relationship, they have one together. They plan a holiday but her partner of 10 years says he won't contribute a penny towards her children, will only pay for his child and then complains when she doesn't help pay towards the costs of their child even though she is struggling to pay for her 5 (if she even can) and her partner has ple t'y of disposable income to pay towards their joint one.

Would people really say 'well that's absolutely fair, they are not his kids, why should he pay towards them coming on a holiday and it's not his fault she had 5 kids before getting together and doesn't have the same disposable income than he does'. No, posters would say that they are a family unit, together for 10 years, he knew he was getting with someone with 5 children and he is being an ass for treating his own child so much better than the others.

AE18 · 24/07/2019 19:50

@swingofthings if they didn't share their finances then this is exactly what I would say, actually. Me and my partner share our finances but if the money is separate enough to have a discussion on who "contributes" what, then it's the parents responsibility to pay for their own kids. Man or woman.

Spanglyprincess1 · 24/07/2019 19:51

I would. Its her job to pay sorry not his. If he volunteers to do so then grnad and nice of him but he's not obliged to do so.
If I ever had a new relationship. I would support my own child with his dad not expect my partner to unless they voluntarily did so. Anything else is wrong.

Spanglyprincess1 · 24/07/2019 19:53

In short op.. Your dh is being an arse.
Stop paying for his kids if he won't at least pay for any of the things for your joint child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2019 19:55

They both have jobs. They both have incomes. They both have responsibility for the baby they jointly decided to make. That baby will have needed a lot more than one item of clothing and a single solitary toy. You don’t need a lot but you do need clothes, nappies, somewhere for it to sleep, a car seat. To suggest it’s acceptable for only one of the parents to have funded all of that is absolutely laughable. We’re not talking about “presents”, we’re talking about necessities.

StressyDressyHeels · 24/07/2019 20:00

You’re not being UR. He’s being a jerk expecting you to support 5 children. Your DSC have two parents and your DD too has two parents.

NoSquirrels · 24/07/2019 20:03

he always used to say it was due to difficult/strained circumstances with his ex, who he made out to me was lazy and crazy! Since having DD though I see everything in a whole new light and feel so sorry for his ex now

Yes, the “difficult ex” defence. It’s always the woman at fault, never the bloke.

You might as well get rid of him. He’s not going to change his parenting style now on DC6, and the burning resentment will eat you up. Then he can pay you CM, at least.

Original poster
Asteve15 · 24/07/2019 20:20

It’s not even so much that he’s bought her next to nothing over the last two years, when I decided to have a baby I knew cos of his other kids it would be me paying out for our DD, which is fine, it’s just how he begrudges and criticises me buying things for DD, but then she’s my DD of course I want to get her things and if I can with what I’ve got left after bills etc why shouldn’t I. He thinks I shouldn’t be buying her things, that I smother her with affection and attention, which is making her hard work (it’s not terrible twos it’s me spoiling her). He also thinks I am constantly taking her out for the day so I can brag about where we’ve been to people at work. He makes me feel shit for wanting to make a fuss of her and trying to make a happy, fun life for her. I don’t want her to be stuck in all day, I want her to see things and meet other kids and live life. Just feeling really fed up and stuck at the mo 😞

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/07/2019 20:36

He makes me feel shit for wanting to make a fuss of her and trying to make a happy, fun life for her.

What a wanker.

Flowers, OP. You deserve better.

IvanaPee · 24/07/2019 20:40

Are you stuck though?

mellicauli · 24/07/2019 20:57

Sounds like he sucks the joy out of life - miserly with his emotions, miserly with his money. Go enjoy your life with your daughter. Make sure you ask him for maintenance.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 24/07/2019 22:52

Does he bring any joy to your life at all? He has utter contempt for you. Don’t live with people who dont like you.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2019 08:17

He's a poor choice for a father, but how did you miss his interaction and time spent with his other 5 DC?

Didn't you notice how he actually avoids spending quality time with them before you had your DD?

Spangly

Yeah what is wrong with that comment?
I think it's the use of the word sodding. It was unnecessary...saying they're his children would suffice.

I have to say I was a bit suprised to hear it from you, because it comes across as resenting them in some way and I've never previously got that impression from you.

Would you like your child to be referred to as a sodding child?

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