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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to not be contributing towards partner's child maintenance??

78 replies

Asteve15 · 23/07/2019 14:16

So this morning me and DP had a blazing argument regarding our DD's second birthday on Saturday and the number of present's I have bought for her. Rightly or wrongly my response was along the lines of well if I don't you won't, which then led to a barrage of well you don't contribute to my kid's maintenance and I already have 5 lots of birthday presents to buy for and 5 xmas presents...(he has five children from previous relationship and one with me). AIBU to not be contributing to his maintenance payments or to think DP would contribute to gifts for our DD?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2019 14:20

YANBU. His (clearly too many) kids, his responsibility. He should have reviewed his existing financial commitments before adding to them with yet more children. But you’re here now.

sneakypinky · 23/07/2019 14:24

Why the fuck would you contribute to his children?

Sounds like he's chosen to have more children than he can afford.

Butterflyone1 · 23/07/2019 14:26

Are you actually kidding me?? Your 'DP' needs a bloody reality check!!

If he didn't want so many kids, then keep it in his pants. I would be livid if my DP said this.

I want a DC with my DP but he already has three DC. I understand I will be responsible for the majority of our child's financial requirements however I expect him to pick up the slack elsewhere.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 14:26

How do you share your finances? I'm not sure I would've got involved with a man with five dependent children if I wanted to have children myself.

Original poster

Asteve15 · 23/07/2019 14:55

Yes, I am starting to question my own life choices at the moment to be honest. We've been together ten years and when we first started seeing each other I was fairly convinced I didn't want a child of my own but as the years have gone on I changed my mind. We split all the house bills/food bills 50:50 and then the rest of our respective wages are our own. When I had DD I knew the majority of the expenses for her would be down to me cos of DP's existing commitments, which his always been fine, but he thinks I constantly spend/waste money buying her clothes/gifts and taking her on days out and now is having a go that I don't contribute to the others. I always take his other DD out with us and would take the others out with us too if they actually wanted to come with us but they chose not to. He's made me feel like it's a crime to be spending what's left of my earned money on my DD and guilty for not contributing to his maintenance.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/07/2019 14:57

Well, it's not a crime. I'd do the same in your position and I wouldn't want to fund five other children, either. You've accepted he can't spend much on your shared child, but he has to accept you can spend whatever you want on her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2019 14:59

Your money, your child, your choice.

He’s being pathetic.

mummmy2017 · 23/07/2019 14:59

Just tell him he is welcome to pay half towards the child he lives with....

Cloudyapples · 23/07/2019 15:02

If you weren’t together not only would you not be contributing to his dc but he’d have to pay maintenance for your child together, meaning you would be better off - so does he bring anything positive to your life? Otherwise I know what I’d be doing in this situation...

Sisterlove · 23/07/2019 15:54

YANBU
He sounds bitter.

MichelleC69 · 23/07/2019 18:05

Hell no. His kids, his cost centres.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/07/2019 18:10

Christ how did you ever get to the point of thinking having a child with him was a good idea? Did he hide his personality for 7 years?

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 18:11

His kids, his costs.
What made you get with a man who already has 5 lots of maintenance without the extra one you both share.

tell him he has 6 children and should be involved with all their presents not just those that don't belong to you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/07/2019 18:11

I'd be telling him that actually as well as funding his own kids himself he also needs to be funding his 6th child with you ontop of that and currently he's been getting off lightly.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/07/2019 18:13

He’s not really sussed the logic of his argument has he?

He should contribute to your daughter because she is his daughter.

You shouldn’t contribute to his older children because they aren’t your children.

It’s really not difficult.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/07/2019 18:15

And BTW if you are paying for everything for your DD then you are contributing to his children because you are subsidising his share of what he should be paying to DD so he can pay maintenance for them.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 23/07/2019 18:17

He sounds like he needs the snip it's not job to contribute to his maintenance he has chosen to have so many kids.

TheRedBarrows · 23/07/2019 18:19

YANBU not to contribute to his other child’s maintenance but YABU if you expect him to provide more for your own child than he does for the others. (Per head).

Maybe he feels guilty at the discrepancy between what your child gets and what his get.

There were bound to be issues!

Actually, YANBU not to contribute to maintenance but these are your step kids. Would you not buy or contribute towards birthday and Christmas presents for your DSCs?
Presents and maintenance are different.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/07/2019 18:28

Would you not buy or contribute towards birthday and Christmas presents for your DSCs?

When she’s buying her own DDs stuff all by herself with no contribution from him?

brightfutureahead · 23/07/2019 19:12

So true! I wouldn’t stop doing what you’re doing, because your DD wouldn’t have those things if it wasn’t for you. But if he ever moans again all you need to do is remind him how much you contribute towards your DD, which means he has more money in the pot for his other kids.

I can’t believe you he tight fisted git is begrudging his DD’s birthday presents because you won’t pay towards maintenance for children that are not yours. What kind of messed up logic is that?

brightfutureahead · 23/07/2019 19:13

*the tight fisted git

Loveislandaddict · 23/07/2019 19:15

He should be paying maintenance.

However, if you have been a step-mum for ten years, then you have been a significant part of their lives, so it may be nice to help buy presents etc.

swingofthings · 23/07/2019 19:23

You pay everything 50/50 but is he ear ing much more than you? When DH and I worked out our finances, we did it on the basis of having a similar disposable income. This included counting the costs towards my kids as joint costs so that we both had equitable money left to be able to contribute equally to treats etc...

If you end up with more disposable income than he does with only one child to spend it on when he has 5, then yes, I can understand his position. He can't help that he has 5 other kids to support, he can't do miracles with whatever money he has to share for all when you only do for one.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 23/07/2019 19:24

so it may be nice to help buy presents etc.

It might be nice if her child’s father helped to buy presents for his DD as well as his other children. But he doesn’t.

SunshineCake · 23/07/2019 19:26

Er, the two year old is his, the other kids by him aren't the OPs. Makes it different. But his attitude stinks.

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