AIBU to not be contributing towards partner's child maintenance??

[Asteve15]

So this morning me and DP had a blazing argument regarding our DD's second birthday on Saturday and the number of present's I have bought for her. Rightly or wrongly my response was along the lines of well if I don't you won't, which then led to a barrage of well you don't contribute to my kid's maintenance and I already have 5 lots of birthday presents to buy for and 5 xmas presents...(he has five children from previous relationship and one with me). AIBU to not be contributing to his maintenance payments or to think DP would contribute to gifts for our DD?

Op he's a dick but I think it can be a common issue.
My dp. Has three kids from first marriage and we have one together.
I pay more for daily costs but I'd kill him. If he didnt get ds a present for his birthday, actually kill him. I get his three presents for Xmas and birthdays but small so. Around 15-20 quid a head. He buys main gifts for them and pays maintenance, as they are his sodding children.

Nah.
Does he have any redeeming features?
The 5 sc were a life choice him and his ex made. Not you.
To be honest I'd rather be alone than with someone like him...Added bonus...he would then (hopefully) contribute to his 6th childs upbringing.

6 kids! Ffs
The planet is dying and we've got people like him having kid after kid!

Oh god, I’d ditch the unreasonable twat but make him have a vasectomy first!!

“ He buys main gifts for them and pays maintenance, as they are his sodding children.”

TheRedBarrows
What’s with the face? I don’t see anything wrong with that comment.

Buy as many presents for your DD that you want to & can comfortably afford.
What was he expecting when you got together? That he'd be cutting his living costs & get all your money added into a joint pot that would cover a lot of his maintenance & other 5 child related expenses?
What's the situation with your housing/living costs & how do each of your incomes compare?
You have one child, not six, and you're perfectly entitled to spoil her to your heart's content.

Yeah what is wrong with that comment? If you choose to have a lot of children then you choose to be financially responsible for all of them. Their father pays for their main birthday and Xmas presents and maintenance, a new partner isn't a lottery ticket to reduce your financially responsibility. The op can buy small gifts for her dsc if she likes and that would be nice, but beyond that it isn't her responsibility.
Some people, clearly like me and it seems the op, didn't and chose to have one child later in life so that financially I can support them and provide for them. It's not unreasonable at all.

Why so many judgement when we had no idea of their financial set up? Of course on principles, he should contribute to present for all his children, but if he is left with £50 each month to buy treats (including bdsy/Xmas presents) for all his children and for himself, whilst OP is left with £500 and spends £400 on their DD, then there is clear unbalance and would explain why he is getting fed up and don't see the need to contribute towards their daughter who is already getting a lot.

Because she's his child too. I'm not sure that him buying her a cheap toy or a nice book is going to hurt.
He is a father to all the children.. Imagine how she would feel. Being left out but the others all getting gifts from. Their dad.
Both the dc and the dsc should be treated fairly by their biological father

Also swing of things... The point was him being judgy over the op not paying his maintenance and him having less money. He chose to have more kids and so has less disposible income. Not the ops fault at all and she shouldn't feel guilty about it.

He needs to be buying equally for his 6 kids really, no you shouldn't be paying his maintenance and he should be giving you some support, however he has too many children!!!

He needs to earn more money!

Why so many judgement when we had no idea of their financial set up? Of course on principles, he should contribute to present for all his children, but if he is left with £50 each month to buy treats (including bdsy/Xmas presents) for all his children and for himself, whilst OP is left with £500 and spends £400 on their DD, then there is clear unbalance and would explain why he is getting fed up and don't see the need to contribute towards their daughter who is already getting a lot.

So what about when his older children get “a lot” from their mum just like the op does for her daughter? It doesn’t stop him still paying his way for those kids whether they get a lot or not.
The op has more money because she has LESS children than he does. He needs to pay an equal share towards all of his children despite his youngest getting “a lot” from the op. Because like we always say on these forums it’s irrelevant what children get from their mum. Dad still has an equal obligation towards them all.

So DP does get paid more than I do, not loads more but still more and although I get DSCs bits and pieces throughout the year he does get their main presents for birthday and Christmas. I do spend a lot of time with his other daughter (the other 4 are boys) and she always comes out for the day with me and DD, which I pay for and always get her something from the gift shop etc, which is fine and isn't something I'd even think about until all this came up yesterday. But in terms of our DD we have had together, he's only ever bought her two things her entire life. one was a cardigan when she was born as she was 5 weeks early so I didn't have one small enough for her and was in hospital so he went to get it. and the other was a hungry caterpillar toy for her first xmas, they are literally the only two things he has bought her, no (other) clothes, no books, toys, nothing. It's not just that though it extends to everything....when it's come to changing her nappy he's rarely done it and said 'I've done my share of changing nappies over the years, I don't need to do anymore' (which at first I though was a joke, but no, turns out, no he's being serious). He's never bathed DD and rarely takes her to bed. I'm just starting to get really fed up about the whole situation and his attitude, it's DD's birthday on Saturday and rather than looking forward to the lovely day we should be having I'm dreading spending the day with DP and the atmosphere there is in the house, we still haven't spoken since the argument yesterday morning, sigh.

So he’s not a ‘partner’ in any way, just a boyfriend who makes your life difficult. Did he hide this aspect of his personality for all the years before you conceived? Or was he a capable parent to his many other kids and radically changed as soon as your kid was born? There must be something spectacular about him for women to be having so many kids for him, he sounds low intellect and lazy.

Get rid, seriously you’d be better off!

He needs to get a grip and step up. Just because your DD was the last one born, doesn't mean she is last on the list of priorities or that he's done his time. Can't believe he's never even bathed her! She's going to grow up to be a very hurt by his lack of interest.

Thing is he's not stupid and/or lazy he will busy himself around the house doing everything and anything even when it doesn't need doing, even when we have DSCs. We only have them two weekends a month, which I have always thought isn't nearly enough but he always used to say it was due to difficult/strained circumstances with his ex, who he made out to me was lazy and crazy! Since having DD though I see everything in a whole new light and feel so sorry for his ex now. So you would think the little time he has with his other kids would be precious and all about them but when they're at ours he busies himself round the house, will even cut the grass when they're there. All this stuff can wait but he insists on doing it, it feels like it's anything but spend time doing quality things with them. As mentioned, I'm always taking DD out and about and always ask DSCs to come with, but the boys decline so it's always us girls (DD and DSD), which is fine but he would never think to take the boys out - he says he can't afford it but seriously it costs nothing to go for a kick about with a ball at the park. The boys all just stay in on the various computers, great quality time, not. I feel like the argument we had yesterday has just opened a whole can of worms about our general life and how he is with all his kids that I'm really struggling with. I've turned a blind eye in terms of how he is with his other kids cos ultimately they are his and I can't tell him how to parent them (can I??), but I'm just starting to realise that after all this time I think he is actually an @rshole. You must think I am so so stupid to not have realised this sooner but there was always an excuse for why he couldn't do things with the other boys (even take his oldest son's birthday card and present around on the evening of his birthday). I mean why isn't he taking time off in the summer hols to spend time with them.....I feel like I've been blinded for all these years and that I'm an idiot for not waking up sooner.

Wtf? No of course you shouldn't have to contribute and he's an arse for expecting you to.

Oh OP! he is a dead loss, waste of space. Some men can change when the error of their ways is pointed out. this one won’t. I can guarantee you that.

OP you're not an idiot, most of us have been there, bought the tee shirt. Where you go from here is the important thing now. He's not been a hands on parent to your DD so frankly she probably won't notice much difference at this age if he's not around as much & you've seen how little involvement he has with his DC when they're older so that's what's in store for her anyway.
It's easy to say LTB but it doesn't sound like it would leave a hole in your lives if you did.
Hope your DD has a wonderful time on her birthday, she has a lovely mum

You can see why his ex (or exes) left him!

He chose to have more kids and so has less disposible income
Here we go again, the typical bias sexist standard we see here. If it was a stepmum posting, saying that she had 5 kids from a previous relationship when her OH decided to leave her, then met à guy with whom she had one child because they both wanted a child together very much, but she posted that her new partner was saying she couldn't afford to also buy a present to their joint child because she had to save for her other children because her new partner insisted that they both pay exactly the same percentage towards the bills leaving her much worse off financially, everyone would feel sorry for her, saying that her partner was a selfish and tight B, who put her in a very unfair position.

But because it's him who has 5 children, there flows the usual ' he shouldn't have had 5 kids', 'he should earn more', 'he's a crap parent', all statements that would never be made if it was the SM in that position.

No swing it wouldn't, I'd be saying the same of anyone regardless of gender in this position. Contributing to household bills like food or rent is one thing. Your maintence and extras for your kids are the parents responsibility soley. If someone choices to help occasionally that's nice but it flat out isn't their role and it pure cheekiness to assume it is!

You missed some massive red flags there.

Sorry excuse for a father and partner.