Step son driving me nuts on holiday

[MichelleC69]

So we're in Spain for a couple of weeks, with my daughter(16) and step son (18) - this is a final holiday with his dad before he goes off to Uni in Sept. We're beach holiday/chilling out kinda people, and he knew this before he came with us. We work hard all year and the holiday is our chill time. My problem is he is expecting us to entertain him and have things planned every day (other than going to the beach which is apparently boring). My husband has planned a couple of day trips just for the two of them but has made it clear to him that if he wants to do anything else he can go off and do it - he doesn't have to be tied to us, he's an adult! But he has zero drive and is just sticking to us like a limpet, to the point where I had to specifically day this afternoon that I'd like a drink with his dad on our own when he threatened to tag along. Don't know what the answer is but I just needed to offload.

I think it's a bit shit to have a family holiday but not do stuff together. Different if you're all adults or whatever but I do think it's a bit off to leave him alone while you get a drink.

I understand all family dynamics are different, but that's just what I feel.

I don't think it's about the one drink. OP said it had to got to the point where she had to say she wanted a drink with the dad, alone. So I'm assuming she got that without much argument as she hasn't said otherwise. For me, it's the way the SS has been compared to a limpet, compared to OP's DD and the general tone of resentment towards him. Even when OP speaks about encouraging the DD and SS to explore together, it's about how that might make her DD feel awkward. No concern for the SS feelings.

I would never have participated in holiday activities completely alone or with a bunch of strangers at 18. That doesn't make me less of a person than someone who would or could.

“This is a family holiday op, not a couples holiday. If you wanted it just to you and 'his dad' then you should not have invited them”.

^^ This. 100%.

All this "how will he cope at uni" talk is utter bollocks. I did everything with my parents on holiday at that age. Heck I even spoke to them in their bedroom until gone 10 pm most nights. I coped perfectly fine at university.

And where's the younger SS?

It is the way to speak about your SS- you should be ashamed and I'm certain you would never show your husband what you call him. The one drink you got without argument so don't twist facts. You have complained and moaned like a child that he won't go off and do his own thing. Why should he?! He was told it was a family holiday- his last before uni!!! You sound like the child here. It's meant to be a family holiday as you say and your DH is 'graciously' giving his two days of his time in a fortnight. You sound unbearable. I have a step dad who I adore and included me. Guess what? I went to uni away from home and functioned perfectly. I also have a step mum who was as self absorbed as you are coming across. Always 'why is she here' 'what about me'. Guess which one was told to do one many moons ago? Stop wrecking his final holiday by being all precious and go frazzle on a beach and let them enjoy each other's company without moaning FFS. You want your husband to yourself, you should book a break with him once he's at uni. You have stuck him in the middle and your SS is being rejected. You know it and he knows it.

I think there’s an awful lot of misunderstanding of how tricky it can be to be a step mum of a teenager. How many of these posters who are flaming OP have actual experiences of this? I have and I totally understand where she’s coming from.

what's wrong with wanting to spend a bit of time alone with my daughter? Nothing, same as there is nothing wrong with you SS wanting to spend sometime with his dad.

You seem to be focused on you having one to one time with people, is that an issue with you?

OP some of these responses were predictable. There seem to be a fair few parents on MN who still see their 18 year olds like younger children. Personally I agree with you. The 18 year old is doing activities alone with his dad. At 18 I would not have wanted to follow my parents around all day abroad either.

At 18 I would not have wanted to follow my parents around all day abroad either.

But that's you. That doesn't make him (and me and some of the other PP) wrong. We are all different and it's not wrong to want to spend time with your parents nor is it wrong to want to be wandering around on your own. What is wrong is the way OP talks about him like he's an unwanted tag along. People have said he knew it's a beach holiday so shouldn't have tagged along but equally OP knows what her SS is like before she invited him so maybe shouldn't have invited him if tagging along was such a problem...

Yes fair point that OP knew what he was like before inviting him so should have expected it. She is still allowed to vent about it though.

What we do on family holidays is let everyone pretty much in turn choose what to do for the day, so you and DH could both choose beach days, dd could choose a mooch round town day and DS could choose an activity day of his choice and then you go round again. It makes sure everyone gets a bit of what they want and no one feels too frustrated.
It isn't perfect but it builds compromise into the holiday from the start.

Something tells me that Kanga83 has no experience as a stepmother....

Agreed, sounds like a very angry young man/lady but not a step parent. Why would you even comment on something which you have no experience of??

Elton people also don't understand what it is like to be a step child. The difference is he is just about an adult and the OP is probably at least double his age so she needs to be a bit more grown up about it all. She isn't a teenager on a first holiday with her boyfriend, she is an adult who presumably gets 1 to 1 time with her husband when her step son is neatly out of the way at his mothers.

devon actually some of us have experience at being a step parent and a step child and still thing op is entitled to feel the way she does.

Yep I was a stepchild and I am a stepmother, think op has legitimate reasons to be a little miffed. Also have 15yo DS and I am quite happy to have an hour here and there while on holiday without him. Still don't understand why some have major issues with thinking an 18yo can't find something to do for an hour or two. All this talk of the op not wanting SS around and not caring blah blah blah is shit. I don't see where the op has said anything like that but hey don't let the truth get in the way of your agenda

Ok OP, you’re a wonderful stepmother, probably the best that’s ever existed. Your stepson is an immature, ungrateful little weasel who has ruined everyone’s vacation, will have difficulty functioning in life, and fails to appreciate your sacrifices. That’s probably the fault of his mother.

Happy now?

Im not even sure anyones even mentioned his mother winter

The thing is i think the "step" is irrvelant here. Any 18yo acting like this would annoy me a bit whether id given birth to them or not! I suspect op feels the same.

For all the posters saying "just go away with dh" - ha, yeah! Except not taking your step kids on every single holiday you have for the rest of your life is an offense punsihable by death on MN.

For all the posters saying "just go away with dh" - ha, yeah! Except not taking your step kids on every single holiday you have for the rest of your life is an offense punsihable by death on MN.

Well indeed. No matter how old they are...

OP did mention the mother, though it was irrelevant to the issue.

When you’re a parent, you consider the personality of the child.

I wouldn’t have gone off alone on a family holiday at 18 either. But I went away to school and was fine. I studied in a foreign country at 20 for a term.

I would not have been upset or annoyed at my 18 year old expecting to be with me. Mine didn’t enjoy the beach for more than a few hours either.

Sounds like that holiday was poorly planned to start with. 2 weeks is a long time, knowing that he wasn't the type to just enjoy just laying on the beach (and I definitely don't blame him, I'd be bored to death too), his dad should have dis used with him in advance as to what other a itivites he could do on his own.

Really, the best thing to do for everyone's sake should have been for him to only come for a week. His dad could have done more with him or all of you together knowing that you then had a week to do what you wanted whilst he matured getting on a flight and home on his own.

How was it poorly planned when its what op and her dh wanted?

A family holiday that doesn't have something for everyone is poorly planned but I'm sure with a bit of planning now some more activities can be found.
I get wanting to have a chilled adult holiday as a couple but that isn't what this is.

3 out of 4 people are having a great time. The other 1 is an 18 year old who knew exactly what was happening and chose to participate anyway. He can either enjoy himself. Or suck it up.