Step son driving me nuts on holiday

[MichelleC69]

So we're in Spain for a couple of weeks, with my daughter(16) and step son (18) - this is a final holiday with his dad before he goes off to Uni in Sept. We're beach holiday/chilling out kinda people, and he knew this before he came with us. We work hard all year and the holiday is our chill time. My problem is he is expecting us to entertain him and have things planned every day (other than going to the beach which is apparently boring). My husband has planned a couple of day trips just for the two of them but has made it clear to him that if he wants to do anything else he can go off and do it - he doesn't have to be tied to us, he's an adult! But he has zero drive and is just sticking to us like a limpet, to the point where I had to specifically day this afternoon that I'd like a drink with his dad on our own when he threatened to tag along. Don't know what the answer is but I just needed to offload.

Oh and I'm sure the rest of you have perfect blended families with no stress whatsoever. If that's the case I'm very happy for you.

You don’t need to be perfect not to call your stepchildren disgusting names.

If it’s any consolation, your dh is worse than you to be with a woman who is so vile to and about his children.

Feel for the kid. Maybe he's going through something and you don't know about because your heads too far up your own arse to realise. I'm horrified at you calling him a limpet. That's nasty.

OP I was asking how long you'd been with your DP because it's relevant. If you had only been together for 12 months the fact that you expect time alone with your DP and the miscommunication around holiday expectations would have been a lot more understandable.

I don't think you come out of this well. At all.

God you really don't like your SS do you? I can't believe this thread is still going on. I have mental images of OP sat on a beach (as she chose) stuck reading comments on MN like cruella de vil under a huge oversized black sun hat. You have been horrid about your SS. I hope he shines and flourishes at uni and that he realises that the resentment you harbour towards him is not a reflection of him, but of you.

TBH, I think a lot of SMs on these threads don’t come across as very pleasant. Not sure why? There are some regulars who appear to be lovely, but equally a lot do seem to be jealous and bitter about the existence of SDC, which is very sad. It’s not a competition, and mutual respect in blended families should be priority.

A quick search shows that you have to 'vent' about your step kids quite a lot op, calling them 'ungrateful little shits' and 'filthy pigs'

Whoa OP, that's really not ok.
Imagine if your DD was treated like this with a step-parent. He's some mother's son ffs.

Before I had kids my SS really used to grate on me though I was never nasty to him although he was to me. But as soon as I had my own kids I suddenly had a realisation that they could have been him, I had instant sympathy for him. I look back and I'm ashamed of how I felt, he was just a little boy. How come you don't feel empathy for your SS, you have children, surely you can imagine how he feels?

IvanPea you couldn't be more wrong. I have 3 dc and 4 dsc who now all live with us. (A choice they made and requested this via CAFCASS)

I couldn't be less bitter having spent a decade in the family courts with DH fighting for exactly this.

I am however more than hacked off by what looks like non-step parents coming on to the step parenting boards to have a pop at SMs who come here for support. Honestly sometimes it doesn't matter what the step mother does, someone will always come on here and find fault. More than often - from someone who has NEVER been a step mother of have any experience of this unique position.
This is meant to be a SUPPORT board for step parents. It is a bloody hard job. We don't always get it right but the vast majority try their best in what often is a thankless job... and YES , sometimes we need to vent - in the exact same way that parents on the various parenting boards also vent when their children are being hard work/badly behaved/demanding etc... because it's better to vent here than in real life.

sometimes we need to vent - in the exact same way that parents on the various parenting boards also vent when their children are being hard work/badly behaved/demanding etc... because it's better to vent here than in real life.

Agreed. And to be fair, the op only referred to her step kids in those unpleasant terms - I'm sure she wouldn't use them to their faces.

However, there's venting and there's being downright nasty. I don't think many parents or step-parents would refer to their dcs / sdcs in such terms.

Of course I'm not nasty to them in real life - as someone said, it's better to get it out of your system on here than to explode in real life. The purpose (I thought) of this board was to get support from like minded people, although I know that not everyone is going to agree. For what it's worth, my husband shares my frustrations and is trying to change things. It's not just me sat in a corner being all bitter and twisted.

Medevialist... then you haven't been in the parenting boards then..
Took less than 10 seconds in 'teenagers' to find this post whilst discussing a daughter who didn't want to go on holiday with parents.

My 15yo is a bitch at the moment and these are the only things that get through. Expect to have your holiday pretty well ruined if you do take him though...

And that's from someone with 'unconditional love ' for their own child. Yet stepmothers May never say the same in here without judgement! Btw- no adverse comments from that post.. instead , lots of 'awe teenagers are such hard work' 'hang in there' 'I know how you feel'.
Nothing but support, kindness and empathy.
A bit more of that - in a space that is meant to be for support - would not go a miss.
Rather than it being a place to hang out and project your own issues of broken marriages and second families.

I've seen plenty threads where people have been taken to task for referring to their offspring in that way 🤷‍♀️

But the difference between those 'parents venting' threads and this one are that this poor kid has not done much wrong other than go on holiday with his Dad 🤷‍♀️

Well to be fair he has done plenty wrong in the op's eyes usernameuser.

He's lain in bed all morning (albeit that's fairly typical behaviour from an 18 year old male if they've got nothing to get up for).
He's chosen the most expensive things on the menu (one of my ds's has a tendency to do that as he loves food and likes to try new things. Though is perfectly happy if we tell him there's a budget).
He's not wanted to go off on his own (albeit some people don't like exploring on their own and, unlike the op's dd, he probably doesn't like shopping).
He doesn't shower enough (not as much as a 16 year old girl I bet).

I suspect none of these things would matter too much if the op actually liked her dss. But it's blatantly clear she doesn't and that she resents him. He undoubtedly picks up on this so probably resents her in return. I know I would.

This boy is showing all the signs of being depressed. Bored, lack of interests, lack of initiatives, in bed until lunch, poor hygiene.

It's called being a teenage boy

It's about seeing kids who have been treated like snowflakes because their parents are divorced, totally dominate every situation even when their ages should indicate growing out of certain behaviours

I think you have a very valid point here . I also have the experience of a SS who sounds like this young man and I have yet to go on holiday with him later this month . SD has also stated she needs to " be entertained" every day . What is it with these kids ? My own children ( older) were not like this . I do get that these actions though and statements are very typical of many youngsters today - however in my situation the kids know that either Mum or Dad has the responsibility of the "big holiday" alternately and then an additional small one with the other . Then there is the "winter holiday" . Yes they were spoilt but do seem to see it as their "right " . I think parents are less inclined to put their feet down on certain behaviours because of the guilt of divorce .

My daughter made a comment at dinner last night around the expectation that she'd still be coming on a paid for summer holiday with us when she goes to Uni. Errrrm no! So you want me to support you through Uni and pay for you to go on holiday as well? I think not. To his credit, my step son agreed with my point of view. (Just to prove I'm not totally biased against my stepkids!)

Many young people go through their lives very spoilt and my daughter has been very lucky to get 3 foreign holidays a year since I split up with her dad. But in a couple of years it'll be time for her to grow up!

Slight diversion but it relates to the point around 'snowflakes'

@TheStuffedPenguin This boy is showing all the signs of being depressed. Bored, lack of interests, lack of initiatives, in bed until lunch, poor hygiene.

 It's called being a teenage boy 

That's a very dangerous attitude to have and it's dismissive comments like that, that lead to teenage boys who are suffering from depression and anxiety going undiagnosed and taking their own lives.

Agreed, it's a very fine line between 'normal' teenage behaviour and that of when it falls into more worrying depression/suicidal thoughts etc behaviour and we should all be on the lookout for it at ALL times, especially in boys.

it's dismissive comments like that, that lead to teenage boys who are suffering from depression and anxiety going undiagnosed and taking their own lives.

Couldn't agree more. I have a good friend whose ds committed suicide at 18. The best friend of a work colleague's son did the same. We also had 2 teenage boys at my dcs' secondary commit suicide. Mental health is not something to ridicule.

Problem with forums is you can only go by what we read, not how things are in reality.

If I were to post what my oh calls me at times, everyone would assume I'm abused! I'm not at all and he is lovely but will use terms that would be easy to take literally, which I don't, because they are not meant to be.

Who knows how you interact with you SCs in real life. You could be venting here but act totally different in real life. Or it could be that your words reflect the high level of resentment you feel, that you believe are hiding from them when all your facial expressions and tone of voice screams that you wish they didn't exist.

Who knows!

Christ OP you're getting a lot of grief here.
FWIW I think you're perfectly reasonable.
MN is full of the terminally offended at times.
If you are a step parent you are always wrong here.

I'd maybe get DH to have a word about his attitude etc. if he's pissed off with it too

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Slightly off topic but how do you expect your DD to pay for a holiday whilst she's at uni? I'll still be paying for mine to join us on hols (if they want to!) until they start full time work.

If you are a step parent you are always wrong here.

Actually a lot of the PP calling OP out for her behaviour are step-parents.

I agree with BigSandBalls, I'd still be paying/taking my DD on holiday until she started work.
Maybe you don't treat your SS any different to your own DD after all? 🤷‍♀️

You're making the assumption that I can afford to pay her through Uni AND take her on holiday?! I can't. Stop judging. If she wants a holiday whilst at Uni I would expect her to get a job and save up like many kids have to do. I think we forget sometimes how much kids have given to them. I didn't have a foreign holiday until I was 18 and I earned the money to pay for it myself.