Step son driving me nuts on holiday

[MichelleC69]

So we're in Spain for a couple of weeks, with my daughter(16) and step son (18) - this is a final holiday with his dad before he goes off to Uni in Sept. We're beach holiday/chilling out kinda people, and he knew this before he came with us. We work hard all year and the holiday is our chill time. My problem is he is expecting us to entertain him and have things planned every day (other than going to the beach which is apparently boring). My husband has planned a couple of day trips just for the two of them but has made it clear to him that if he wants to do anything else he can go off and do it - he doesn't have to be tied to us, he's an adult! But he has zero drive and is just sticking to us like a limpet, to the point where I had to specifically day this afternoon that I'd like a drink with his dad on our own when he threatened to tag along. Don't know what the answer is but I just needed to offload.

[MichelleC69]

@Kanga83 it's a holiday for ALL of us, not just in honour of him! But clearly I am not following 'the rules'....

[Kanga83]

But you are acting as if it's just for you and he's in your way! He's probably feeling the same about you- it's a family holiday and he's being excluded.

[MichelleC69]

He's bloody not being excluded FFS!!! He has had day trips arranged for him, at not inconsiderable expense. We have lunch and dinner together every day. Just because I'm not making every single day aaaaall about him, you make it sound like we're locking him in the apartment all day and buggering off without him! I can't believe all of the judgy people on here.

[Winterlife]

You can laugh, OP, but your stepson had no choice in you coming into his life. He had no choice in whether he wished to be bounced between 2 homes like a ping pong ball. Children are just expected to have their worlds turned upside down.

Honestly, I cannot imagine this scenario being posted by a child’s mother. The fact you’re posting it already suggests some level of dysfunction.

[MichelleC69]

@Winterlife I'm pretty sure that having a stepmum does not ruin kids lives. My daughter is perfectly happy having a stepdad. I'm also pretty sure he didn't ask for his mother to have an affair with another woman, causing his parents marriage breakup. What's his dad meant to do with the rest of his life, live like a monk? This view that kids in blended families have to be treated with kid gloves is fucked up.

[Kanga83]

Read back on your original post and see how it comes across. If you don't want different opinions then don't post on a public forum where people see the other side of it. You say it's a final holiday for him to spend with his dad before uni then in the same paragraph he should know you are a beach person - implying if he wants to go on a holiday with his dad he has to suck up doing what you want really. Why should be go off on his own!? It's not a holiday if he has to wander on his own, no mates, nothing.
Enjoy your beach.

[Winterlife]

I didn’t post that stepmothers ruin children’s lives. Nor did I post that stepchildren need to be treated with kid gloves. But if you were being honest with yourself, you know would not have posted this about your own child.

[Seniorschoolmum]

Surely the whole point of a family holiday is that you make sure everyone is happy doing something each day. You don’t necessarily have to do everything together but make sure everyone is occupied and not excluded.
Does he like water sports or climbing or or fishing. Can you organise some one-to-one tuition?

[thethoughtfox]

Why is he not hanging about with the 16yr old SS? This would seem like more fun.

[Yabbers]

For the love of god... it's the OP's holiday too and I'm sure she would like to spend time with her husband as well.

So she should go on holiday with just her husband.

I challenge anyone who says they don't need a short break from their kids, whether on holiday or not!

Challenge me. Holidays are when I get to spend a whole load of time with her that I don’t get to do every day because of work/life pressures. Looking forward to spending all my time with her next week on holiday.

[MichelleC69]

@Winterlife no I wouldn't post this about my own daughter as she's a whole lot more independent and would never question our desire to have a quiet drink on her own. She's also not expecting to be entertained every minute of every day with expensive trips.

[Seniorschoolmum]

Op, the word expensive comes up in almost all your posts. Is that the problem, that you mind your dh paying for an extra room/flight, and don’t want him to spend any more on his son?

[MichelleC69]

@Seniorschoolmum no, not at all. He spends his money on whatever he wants, as do I. My point is that this holiday cost £3.5k+ to start with, and doing trips every day would escalate that cost.

[smallereveryday]

Info not agree that YOU have to make sure everyone is occupied. He is a bloody adult ffs and about to go to Uni. Are OP and his DF meant to send him a schedule of amusements for the next 3 or 4 years?

As for 'I bet you wouldn't say this about your own child' - well I definitely would. If my 18 yr old was trailing DH and I like a limpet expecting to be amused. Only they would never do it because they wouldn't be seen for dust.. given an opportunity to explore a new place that is exactly what they would do.
I would say . Back for lunch if you want. Otherwise be here for supper together. Have fun.
Yes - for sure a couple of DH/Son activities. Me/Daughter time .. but otherwise. Do want you fancy and explore a bit.

There is absolutely nothing about this scenario that you are unreasonable about OP. All my 3 Dcs/4Dsc. Would have taken full advantage of the freedom and opportunity available in this type of holiday. Some would go together, some on their own. They all have phones and can contact if they needed. DH and I would have valuable time together AND with our family. No one gets a priority here. They aren't primary school age .

[Winterlife]

Thanks for missing the point again OP. You wouldn’t post about your daughter because you love her. It’s obvious you don’t love your stepson. That’s okay but you’re not doing yourself any favours missing the forest for the trees.

[smallereveryday]

Oops MichelleC69 I forgot one of the most important rules. !

1. There is NO amount of money that cannot be spent on a DSC. There are a whole set of special rules about money. Most importantly.. 'family money' this is money that YOU earn.. this must be divided between ALL children. However DH money is NOT family money . It is prioritised to be for 'anything the DSC need' .. (no limit or budget) then the remainder goes into the 'family pot'. You may not apply the same system to your child.

Paying a gazillion £££ in Maintenance for a DSC does NOT exempt the NRP family from this rule... Got that ? V important.

[pikapikachu]

I assume that you've had family holidays before. Did this not happen then? I assume that he's like this in the UK too. Is he even ready to go to uni in the autumn? I have a son the same age and your stepson sounds very young.

Of course yanbu to want an hour with your h and the people who criticize the one on one time are insane. Most people spend one on one time with their kids because they may have different interests, no fighting...

[MichelleC69]

Hahaha understood!!!

[Medievalist]

Read back on your original post and see how it comes across. If you don't want different opinions then don't post on a public forum where people see the other side of it. You say it's a final holiday for him to spend with his dad before uni then in the same paragraph he should know you are a beach person - implying if he wants to go on a holiday with his dad he has to suck up doing what you want really. Why should be go off on his own!? It's not a holiday if he has to wander on his own, no mates, nothing.
Enjoy your beach.

^^ This.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Has anyone considered that ops dh might want a bloody rest too?

For me a holiday is to relax. I dont want to trail to a different activity every day.


Again. He didn't have to go.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

You wouldn’t post about your daughter because you love her

You cannot possibly know that

She doesnt need to post about her dd because clearly her dd has been brought up to be independent where dss has not.

How is he going to survive at university where he has to look after himself?

[Ilovetolurk]

I’m sure he’ll be just fine at University. The problem is he’s probably bored shitless with a 2 week beach holiday.

There’s another thread from earlier this week where parents are actively trying to find holidays which suit teens eg cruises, activity hols. Most activity hols still allow beach blobbing.

I think the tensions on this holiday could have been predicted and mitigated.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

If he's board shitless he shouldn't have gone. Not poured and spoiled the others time.

[HerondaleDucks]

OP please go and enjoy your holiday and ignore all the nasty comments.
I was talking to my mum about this thread and she gasped and said of course you're not being unreasonable to have one drink alone and expect him to keep himself entertained in some way.
So my advice, turn off mumsnet and have a nice time!

[MichelleC69]

Thank you @HerondaleDucks