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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son driving me nuts on holiday

306 replies

MichelleC69 · 28/06/2019 17:11

So we're in Spain for a couple of weeks, with my daughter(16) and step son (18) - this is a final holiday with his dad before he goes off to Uni in Sept. We're beach holiday/chilling out kinda people, and he knew this before he came with us. We work hard all year and the holiday is our chill time. My problem is he is expecting us to entertain him and have things planned every day (other than going to the beach which is apparently boring). My husband has planned a couple of day trips just for the two of them but has made it clear to him that if he wants to do anything else he can go off and do it - he doesn't have to be tied to us, he's an adult! But he has zero drive and is just sticking to us like a limpet, to the point where I had to specifically day this afternoon that I'd like a drink with his dad on our own when he threatened to tag along. Don't know what the answer is but I just needed to offload.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/06/2019 20:10

He has activities planned at 18 he could also go and see what he can do.

Yabbers · 29/06/2019 20:14

Why would you even comment on something which you have no experience of??

How do you know there is no experience?

Maybe Kanga had a step parent who decided they should be completely ignored on holiday?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/06/2019 20:18

uplands he is gettibg to do activities he wants to do...

Should every day be dedicated to him??

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/06/2019 20:18

Then kanga would be projecting their own agenda and nothing to do with the op yabbers imo

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/06/2019 20:18

yabbers she said her step dad was great so clearly not.

voddiekeepsmesane · 29/06/2019 20:20

Apparently step dad was great step mum was shit ergo all stepmums are shit

dreichuplands · 29/06/2019 20:23

No as I said in a previous post we try and have each family member pick an activity for the day and it goes round on a cycle. But we set this up before we go anywhere so everyone knows that they each have a day to choose something and they have to make the other people's day work for them.
It's not a magic solution but it makes everyone feel an equal part of the holiday.
It may not be the case but it reads as though two adults have decided on a holiday that suits them are dc are tag along additions.
That doesn't mean that ds isn't being a sulky teenager right enough!

mrsm43s · 29/06/2019 20:33

OP, how much time are you spending alone this holiday?

Not with your DH, not with your DD, not all together as a family. Just you alone.

Are you taking off every day alone to do your own thing, like you expect DSS to do? Just you, alone.

I simply cannot think of anything worse that being expected to wander around alone at 18 in a foreign, unfamiliar country.

This is a family holiday. The default should be that you all hang out together.

Yabbers · 29/06/2019 21:14

she said her step dad was great so clearly not.

Might have a step mum.

But certainly has experience of step families.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/06/2019 21:16

Yes as a child which is entirely different than having any experience of step parenting.

Magda72 · 29/06/2019 22:31

@MichelleC69 - I've come to this late & haven't read through the entire thread but I just wanted to say that I'm away with dp at the moment. We have his 3 (13, 16 & 19) with us & my 2 (13 & 17) also. I have to say I went against my better judgement in coming (dp really wanted me to) & my head is MELTED. My 2 have joined teen clubs & while with me a lot are more that happy to head off with new friends, chill out & have fun. His 3 are stuck to dp like barnacles & if he moves to do anything they follow him. The teen club puts on special dinners - they won't go. The teen club has TONNES of evening activities - they won't go. I'm not let sit beside dp on any days out/at dinner etc. & the youngest was very put out that myself and my partner of 5 years are sharing a bedroom!!! If we have a drink in the evening all three are with us AND commenting if we have more than one glass of wine!
I don't have a super close relationship with dp's kids but the carry on has never been this bad.
Worst part is dp isn't getting a break either - he may as well have 3 under 12's with him.
I've no real advice but you have my sympathies & I can tell you I won't be doing this again!

julensaor · 30/06/2019 00:09

We are trying to encourage some independence ahead of Uni so that he is better equipped when he gets there

But there is being independent and being lonely. I would understand your point if he had an option, eg a friend to do something else with on the holiday. He may also be nervous about starting university, most kids are.I think it's a coming of age thing when he is no longer a child and should be included in a different way now on a family holiday. You and your DP will have each other all to yourselves soon as both kids are starting their own lives. I think you should include him in everything on this possibly 'last family' holiday.

MsTSwift · 30/06/2019 07:26

Yes but when does it stop? Might not be the “last family holiday” if no signs of leaving dads side at 18 when does that kick in? Mine late primary early secondary but friends kids of 16 plus are all doing their own thing heading off with pals for holidays as I was. I would be abit concerned tbh as well as frustrated unless he has some sort of issue.

Eustasiavye · 30/06/2019 07:48

At 18 I didn't go on holiday with my mum and her partner, I adore them both and as an adult have been on many, many holidays with my mum.
Once he was 16 dp didn't tag along with his parents either and trust me when I say nobody on this earth loved their parents more than my dp.
The dss chose to go, he could have said, like my own dcs did, id rather spend my hard earned cash on a holiday with my friends.
I suspect the fact that this is a freebie has swung it for him.

MsTSwift · 30/06/2019 07:52

By 18 surely the dynamic has shifted and the 18 year old should be appreciative he is getting a paid for holiday not demanding care and attention whilst on the holiday. It seems some families get “stuck” and great big lumbering adults are still seen as little children. Frankly I would be concerned if my daughters needed me so much at 18.

KatherineJaneway · 30/06/2019 08:08

I understand your frustration OP. I can imagine him acting like a limpet puts a strain on the holiday. He knew it was a beach holiday before he went and his Dad has put in place a few days out for them both in the itinerary as a concession.

At 18 he should be able to find things to do while you are on the beach for a few hours and if he can't, I agree it doesn't bode well for Uni.

Original poster
MichelleC69 · 30/06/2019 08:27

@Magda72 you have my sympathies, that's way worse my situation. I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleC69 · 30/06/2019 11:37

Update: pool day. It's 12.30 and the boy hasn't moved out of his room yet. Trying to just get on with my day but can't help feeling annoyed - he might as well be at home. Oh, and last night over dinner he announced that he would like to spend more time at ours as his mum's house is dirty.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 30/06/2019 12:05

he might as well be at home
Exactly hence the poor planning. My DS would absolutely hate this type of holiday. He would also hate a too active one. That's why oh and I are going to one that involves a lot of a activies he wouldn't enjoy, hence him staying home and happy to do so, but later this year, we will all go to a holiday that is more what he enjoys doing. We will only be gone 7 days as any longer and he probably would get bored.

No point paying for a kid/teenager to go on a holiday they don't really enjoy. That doesn't make bad people, I would be miserable on your holiday with you too, can't imagine worse than spending most days around a pool in the heat.

BeardedMum · 30/06/2019 12:51

It comes across strongly in your posts OP that you really don’t like him. Teenagers are not the same and can be annoying (I have 2 so I know), but 18 years can be immature. You are an adult and posting on MN like a bit of a bully to be honest.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/06/2019 12:52

Poor planning has nothing to do with him not dragging his arse out of bed until mid day Hmm

If he doesnt enjoy that kind of holiday he could have said no thanks! But he didn't, he went anyway and expected everyone to do what he wanted.

He is 18 not 8.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/06/2019 12:53

bearded how is op a bully? Are you actually serious?

BeardedMum · 30/06/2019 12:56

JohnMavis, I would hate my children having someone so close in their lives who posted about them like that. I have not seen one nice word about this 18 year old from the OP yet. It’s really sad.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/06/2019 13:00

Op isnt a bully for any of the reasons you mention. Hth.

EltonHoratio · 30/06/2019 13:06

OP is getting a hard time which I think would be different if she was anything other than a step mum. Complaints about in laws would be supported, this 18 year old is an adult and should not need to be entertained.

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