Step son driving me nuts on holiday

[MichelleC69]

So we're in Spain for a couple of weeks, with my daughter(16) and step son (18) - this is a final holiday with his dad before he goes off to Uni in Sept. We're beach holiday/chilling out kinda people, and he knew this before he came with us. We work hard all year and the holiday is our chill time. My problem is he is expecting us to entertain him and have things planned every day (other than going to the beach which is apparently boring). My husband has planned a couple of day trips just for the two of them but has made it clear to him that if he wants to do anything else he can go off and do it - he doesn't have to be tied to us, he's an adult! But he has zero drive and is just sticking to us like a limpet, to the point where I had to specifically day this afternoon that I'd like a drink with his dad on our own when he threatened to tag along. Don't know what the answer is but I just needed to offload.

Way to build people up. I'm now 'awful' as well as 'evil' and 'needy' Cheers peeps.

I'm sure your SS feels great too.

Awww because he got a free holiday and had to spend 1 HOUR of it alone?

Poor poor baby i mean its basically neglect isnt it.

He is an ADULT.

OP wanting to spend a small amount of alone time with her DH is not suffocating.

And yes when we've been with friends on holiday we've all gone our seperate ways at different points to get some space.

Yes, he's an ADULT.
You don't send another adult off to have a shower to get rid of them. He can do what he likes, when he likes. If he wants to stay at the bar, he can.

I agree with PPs that you expect to much of him. He doesn’t feel confident enough to be on his own in this place I personally don’t think it’s so unusual. Yes, you need gently encourage his independence and work on it but you can’t expect him to change overnight. You should work on it long before.
You love sunbathing and laying on the beach — you stay on the beach whereas he and his Dad go somewhere and do active things together. Then you have nice dinner and catchup together in the evening.

white so he can do what he wants but op cant? Right then.

I'm an adult, but it would be my holiday from hell if I was expected to go off on my own and find activities in an unfamiliar place and hook up with random strangers! That's 8yr olds on a beach you're thinking of, not 18 yr olds in Spain! All I can say is if we go on a family holiday, we do stuff together and try and cater for all members of the family. If dh and I wanted to have a holiday where we did nothing but 'chill' on a beach, we'd go away on our own for a few days, rather than impose it on everyone else, I think.
It just seems rude and unkind to say to another member if the family that you don't want their company for a drink, if you're away together.

you stay on the beach whereas he and his Dad go somewhere and do active things together. Then you have nice dinner and catchup together in the evening

Theyre already doing that. Rtft.

Op cant win here. I cant believe that the general consensus is suck it up and let the 18yo have his way whilst op doesnt get to enjoy her holiday at all.

You’ve got to take the rough with the smooth on here OP. You know you’re not awful or whatever...don’t let the comments bother you.

The problem with step-parenting and/or blended families seems to be that it’s difficult to sympathise or tolerate someone else’s kids’ foibles with the same invested interest we do our own. That’s not even a criticism...it’s just the way it is.

He’s not doing anything wrong. It’s a family holiday and as such, he should be welcome along with any of it. He’s got nothing better to do here than stick to his dad. Or be alone.
Nothing worse than being on holiday with someone who’s getting on your tits...but try to be zen. No one is at fault here..don’t make it your stepson’s failing.

YANBU. Tell him to shut up with the moaning or get to the airport and go home.

One hour is perfectly reasonable. Don't use this place as a sounding board you'll come out on the same parenting level as Rose West.

Just draw your boundary, ensure you and DH enjoy your holiday as well and forget about everything else.

Maybe he was embarrassed at the idea of going back for a shower at the same time as his stepsister?? He may have suggested staying with you to give her some privacy? 18 year olds can still feel self-conscious in situations that older adults would be fine with.

Why is everone focusing on the one hour thing? The OP isn't just complaining about that one hour to be alone with her husband. I think if you go on a family holiday you take everyone's wants and needs into consideration. It sounds like OP wants to spend every day lying on a beach but that isn't really fair. So the DH has arranged to spend 2 days doing something the son wants to do, has he been driven to that or is he only doing it to keep the peace? How long is the holiday, if it is a week two days for son is probably reasonable, if it is two weeks well 12 days doing nothing and two days out doesn''t sound fair.

I'd hate two weeks lying on a beach, particularly with the current heat, OP and her husband are perfectly entitled to enjoy that but if you invite people to come with you it is only reasonable, and polite, to think about what they would like to do.

Give and take is usually a good idea. This might be the last holiday your husband has with his son so maybe more mother/daughter days and let them get on with it.

So the DH has arranged to spend 2 days doing something the son wants to do, has he been driven to that or is he only doing it to keep the peace?

All that matters is the fact he is doing it.

If the dss didnt want to lay on a beach for however long (and lets remember he was aware thats what everyone else wanted to do) then he did not have to go.

You dont invite someone on your holiday for them to dictate what you do.

A couple of days doing something out of two weeks is not a lot. Could you not do half day beach and half day activity?
If it’s a family holiday everyone should be accommodated. I don’t understand why OP is not joining in on the outing and I don’t understand the points about it being a feee holiday and he didn’t have to come if it’s a family holiday either.

Maybe he was embarrassed at the idea of going back for a shower at the same time as his stepsister?? He may have suggested staying with you to give her some privacy?

I thought the same.

It's difficult to know what to suggest op, but I'd be asking why he feels the need to behave like that and focus on making an obviously insecure 18 year old feel a loved and wanted member of your family.

Why am I not going on the trips? Because a) I've seen the sights here a million times, been coming here for 12 years and it would be a waste of money for me when we've already paid for an expensive holiday and b) what's wrong with wanting to spend a bit of time alone with my daughter? She's not interested in the trips either so it would be unfair to drag her along, and c) we're not joined at the hip!

He is with his dad on a family holiday, if you wanted it just to be you and your DH, perhaps you should have just booked that instead. You sound awful tbh.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to spend time with your daughter, OP. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong in not going to activities with your husband and stepson.

What I do think is wrong is to expect your stepson to go off on his own.

When we vacationed with our children -2 boys, 1 girl-and they were teens, they would do things together. But when we vacationed only with our youngest, at ages 17 and 18, he didn’t want to go off on his own, and the thought never crossed my mind. He went out with his father for activities that didn’t interest me, and I took him shopping for clothes while his father did something else. But he had no interest in exploring on his own, nor would that have ever crossed our minds.

When you are a parent, even if an 18 year old, it’s not really your vacation. It’s about creating memories for your children.

Our children are now grown, only our youngest is still at home, and independent. I hope they have good memories of our vacations. I know I do of family vacations growing up. I know I never felt alone or a burden to my parents when we vacationed.

Now now MichelleC69 haven't I already told you the 'rules' .. you don't seem to be listening.. let me set them out clearly..

1. As a step mother you are in the wrong on MN. Take this as a 'given' for any scenario. Regardless of Dcs/SDCs involvement in situation.

1. Dsc are ALWAYS more important and ALWAYS deserve more attention/pandering to than any other child you have ever met.
2. DSC bizarre and age inappropriate behaviour is NEVER bizarre or inappropriate but ALWAYS understandable because of the trauma of you marrying their father.
3. There is NO right to any private time between you and your DH . Ever. Even when the kids are in their 40s - just in case they feel 'pushed out'.
4. Teenage Dsc must NEVER be expected to amuse themselves. However Your Children must do this so that you can devote your spare time to DSC.

6 If your DH were to find himself with spare time you must immediately LTB if he suggests spending it with you instead of 'focussed one to one time with his late teenage child' because this would make him a 'crap parent'

1. Your own children can share bedrooms, clothes, toys, etc.. Dsc should NEVER be expected to do this.
2. If you buy a house, have savings , more property/assets with your DH you must write a Will that leaves everything in trust to your DSC and renders you their tenant in your own home once DF has passed. This is only reasonable. As it's their dads money and 'marital assets' don't count for a second marriage.

Follow ALL above OP and you may eventually find the right path. Whilst always being mindful of Rule 1.

YANBU OP. I wouldn't want an 18-year-old dripping around after me all day every day either, but he sounds bored and I'm not really surprised. A beach holiday with his parents and a step-sister who he doesn't get on with and who is happy to just do her own thing = not great. Of course, it's his fault for agreeing to come in the first place. I don't blame you for wanting a quiet drink with your DH without him. How about asking him what he wants to do and maybe one day you do that, but otherwise he needs to a) fit in with everyone else and b) amuse himself a bit more. How on earth he's going to cope at uni I don't know - it doesn't sound like either his DM or your DH have prepared him for an independent life.

@smallereveryday hahaha that did make me laugh, thanks for explaining the rules to me! What a shit person I am for not being completely selfless!!!

Sitting on a beach is boring, and why take him for a final holiday with his dad before uni if he isn't getting the time with his dad? Why isn't his dad leaving you on the beach and spending it with him? I feel sorry for him really. You say yourself it was supposed for him to spend time with his dad which implies one on one with maybe you finding things to do yourself?

So you don’t want him around and he doesn’t have much in common with your dd.
He’s in a strange country, knows no-one else and was looking forward to spending his last holiday with his dad