Step son driving me nuts on holiday

[MichelleC69]

So we're in Spain for a couple of weeks, with my daughter(16) and step son (18) - this is a final holiday with his dad before he goes off to Uni in Sept. We're beach holiday/chilling out kinda people, and he knew this before he came with us. We work hard all year and the holiday is our chill time. My problem is he is expecting us to entertain him and have things planned every day (other than going to the beach which is apparently boring). My husband has planned a couple of day trips just for the two of them but has made it clear to him that if he wants to do anything else he can go off and do it - he doesn't have to be tied to us, he's an adult! But he has zero drive and is just sticking to us like a limpet, to the point where I had to specifically day this afternoon that I'd like a drink with his dad on our own when he threatened to tag along. Don't know what the answer is but I just needed to offload.

Thank god he'll be buggering off to uni then. But by the sounds of him, he might end up dropping out.

Why does it bother you that he stays in his room? Is it because you care about him or you just feel superior to him because you and your daughter are more "independent"?
Because if you cared about him (and I get it, my 11 year old isn't adventurous at all and I never stop finding ways to get him out of his space), you, or more exactly, his father, would find ways to figure out why he doesn't have motivation. For example, I'm now bringing my son to a psychologist and we discovered that by not going things, he's protecting himself from failure, etc.

The reason you're getting hard time here is the tone of your first post. And I'm seeing that it's a bigger issue than just the vacation, but people don't know it.

Last summer, I was suffocating with SD who was constantly telling me what to do with my baby as if she were his mother and I was some babysitter. Not to mention that she would do things, like coming to my DP asking to dance with him in a middle of our dance, after several dances with him and after telling me few minutes before that she was tired. I wanted to be nice with her, so I didn't correct her and as a result, I just couldn't stand her being in the same space as her at the end.

But in your case, it seems that the boy just doesn't have motivation to do things and it's annoying, but calling him a "limpet" who "threatens" to come with you just doesn't sound nice.

Well, he will go to the Uni in Sept, so you'll have plenty of possibilities to have drinks with his father.

Actually I think the key here is that you have dh to sit with in a bar. Would you happily sit in a bar on your own? I would now age 37 but at 18 I would have hated that. Not all 18yos are happy in their own company so it's unfair to expect him to be. That said, you can encourage him to do things in his own. I think stats tend to show girls mature faster than boys so it's not really an ideal comparison with you dd.

Sad, but if that is the case, don't think 'the kids' won't be fully aware of that

Why is it sad? 14yo ss wouldnt want to spend 2 solid weeks with me and his dad either. Doesnt make me sad!

I've just flipped through the OP's posts and can't see this information- @MichelleC69 how long have you and your DH been together and have you all holidayed together before? It's sounding like this is the first time and you all went with expectations but not enough communication as to what you all wanted out of the holiday.

My DS is 18 and I would never expect him to go off by himself on a family holiday if this meant he would be by himself. However on the other hand if he chose to spend time in his room that would be fine.

I think this is one holiday where you need to suck it up and put it down to experience. You will have plenty more holidays where you can spend time alone with your DH, it's probably unlikely that your DSS will want to come with you again, and if he does, you can be clearer about what will be happening before you all go. I'm not suggesting that you have to put on additional activities for DSS - you've said that he's got some things planned with his dad, and if he doesn't want to sit on beach, if that's what the rest if you are doing, then he has the choice to go off himself or stay in his room. I do think it's wrong though to invite him on the holiday and then say you want to do things without him (even if it is just one hour as you keep saying - it's the principle of saying he's not wanted) it would be different if he had a friend or got on better with your DD. And I hate it when people say 18 is an adult - legally maybe - but somebody who has just left school and has no life experience is not an adult socially or emotionally.

Why is it sad? 14yo ss wouldnt want to spend 2 solid weeks with me and his dad either. Doesnt make me sad!

No, it's not at all sad when children start to want to do things on their own away from their parents - that's natural! The word sad referrred to the inference that most parents wouldn't be able to stand the company of their children on holiday for two weeks. I do think that's a bit sad. I'm thankful for the company of my teen/adult dc when it happens!

In the Op's case, her dss doesn't seem to have the confidence/self esteem/motivation to make that natural progression. It sounds like he could be depressed. If it were me, I think I would be trying to open up the channels of communication to find out why, rather than giving heavy hints (on holiday, of all times) that I'd prefer it if he buggered off somewhere else, that's all.

This boy is showing all the signs of being depressed. Bored, lack of interests, lack of initiatives, in bed until lunch, poor hygiene.

Maybe he is expected to just follow what suits everyone else and then gets the attitude when he dares not being grateful for being offered a holiday that ultimately, is not at all what he thought it would be like.

As said, I as much as my kids would absolutely hate this sort of holiday. Sitting on the beach, drinking, eating and being on social media. What a bore! I think I'd be massively sulking if I was dragged on this kind of holiday for 2 weeks and would probably resort to sleeping as late as possible too!

In any case, he is going to Uni, so yipee for everyone! He won't be around much, and will probably start wanting to go on holiday with his friends. He probably won't be wanting to come over much any longer and his dad will moan that he doesn't see him any longer.

Well if he finds that holiday “a bore” why agree to go on it? . Sounds great.

“This boy is showing all the signs of being depressed. Bored, lack of interests, lack of initiatives, in bed until lunch, poor hygiene.”

Or you know...he’s a teenager.

Indeed

@pictish everyone is depressed on MN.
No one can have a bad day.
Nobody's can just be a bit of a twat. They must all be depressed.

I will preface this by saying that I am a step-mum myself and know that the relationship with step-children can sometimes be a bit frustrating, but from an outsider's point of view I think you're being a little harsh. With DC of 16 and 18, presumably you will have many opportunities for trips away with just your DP. This is likely to be the last "family" holiday so you might need to swallow your frustration with him. You like different things so it would seem fair that you do a mixture of things on the holiday, alternating beach days and activities etc. Or let him do more with just your DP. Family holidays generally end up being a mixture of what the DC and adults want to do anyway. I don't like the beach, but go there because my DC enjoy it. Then some days they have to come sightseeing with me.

It does sound like it's a spillover from your annoyance with him at home. He'll be off to uni soon so that will lessen your resentment. My own DSS was similar to yours in some ways - lots of time in his room, didn't seem to have much of a social life, but university has been excellent for him to have the opportunity to meet like-minded people, so hopefully your DSS will broaden his social life too.

Since my DSS was about 15, we have found the best option to be that DH goes away on a trip with just DSS for a few days and they do a shared activity together. Then DSS doesn't come on our main family holiday. This works well but I know might not be an option for everyone. Both our holidays are inexpensive, but we do have the luxury of having lots of holiday time to take.

My DSS is 20 and still enjoys the trip away with his Dad. They see one another so much less frequently now he's at university that it's good to have some 1-1 time.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Well if he finds that holiday “a bore” why agree to go on it?
Well maybe because his dad sold it to him very differently?

Or you know...he’s a teenager
Yes, maybe, but then you know what you're getting, why bother resenting them for being a normal teenager?

I totally agree on taking kids away on their own. I still do this every year with my kids and that was a condition when I got with OH, although he fully agree with it (and indeed, he too also goes on hols with his friends as he used to before we met).

Believe me it was very much sold to him as a beach holiday with a couple of day trips then lthrown in. I was very clear that he needed to understand what the score would be.

For what it's worth he apprars to be finally relaxing into it. Last night he took a wander to the shops by himself which is a big step forward.

Hope you enjoy your holiday, OP. Just want to say I’m with you wholeheartedly.

What’s suffocating is having no natural ‘break’ in proceedings where you and dh can have an hour of quality time to re-connect momentarily as a couple. Step families are not the same as first families and everybody needs a bit more space. Plenty of space being created for the dh/ds and OP and dd. Just not OP and her DH. Bit of balance is all that’s required!

Meanwhile, here on MN the children are helpless victims (of divorce) whose wants/needs are cries for help. Anything short of acquiescence is hatred on the part of step mums. Either that, or step mums should be completely hands off and parenting is nothing to do with them. Somewhere in between there is real life! Ha!

Ah, cross post with OP. That’s good... happy hols!

I'm sure op wouldn't have posted this about her own child, because she would have dealt with the situation before it became a problem. After all most parents want their children to develop a level of independence before they reach 18 don't they?

I say this as a step mother currently on holiday with a 22 year step daughter and her husband who haven't taken a minute to take themselves off and be independent. They get up each day and ask what we are doing to entertain them for the day.

It's not normal and it's not a step Mother's fault!

You have my sympathies.... Hope you enjoy your holiday.

Well in my case I and my kids have just given up & are doing our own thing & trying to enjoy ourselves. Have barely seen or spoken to dp in 4 days. There's a huge difference between having family time & totally hijacking your parent all day & all evening long. Dp has literally not had 5 minutes to himself. It is NOT normal behaviour for 3 teens - they are literally incapable of occupying themselves alone or together for 5 minutes.

We have taken the executive decision of having a date night without the kids before we go home. Kids will get money for food & drink and told to do what they want. Probably earns us bad parent awards on here but what the hell.

Probably earns us bad parent awards on here but what the hell

Dont forget your hair shirt.

So he wants to do stuff with you and you’re annoyed with him.
He stays in his room till midday while you’re round the pool- you’re annoyed with him.
My last holiday with my parents was when I was 18 and if they had said go and explore by yourself so we can have alone time it would have been really weird. We just did stuff together then.
You just sound like you don’t like him very much. Another poster seems to have had similar issues with her own kids happily going to kids club and the husbands children clinging to them like limpets. Why is that I wonder??? Why are the step kids annoying and limpet like?

Probably earns us bad parent awards on here but what the hell.

Yep. Does in my book.

Good job I don't give a f*ck then!!

I remember a villa holiday and my parents and their friends had a dinner out leaving me to babysit friends younger kids. Didn’t give it a second thought. How does that make you a bad parent? It’s one night they not joined at hip