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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 07/05/2019 19:58

Lannieduck, the op said he had considered quitting his job but they can’t afford for him to do so. Yet it’s ok for the op to quit Confused

YouDancin · 07/05/2019 20:03

It is a lot more complicated than just he wants you to look after his children. (I understand it is difficult to explain and the words in anger may have misrepresented him).
He already compromises with living with you and your son/s, with this potentially being permanent for one child rather than until both leave home.

Also he is already is some ways supporting your children and will do so when you are studying.

So, although not your direct responsibility it seems fair that you should be reciprocating in some way for being supported during your university study.

I don't know what compromise you can reach.

You really should not have to give up your career path for his children.

Wrap-around childcare is expensive but your shift work would make it impossible to commit to doing to anyway.
The child maintenance may cover some of this and the Universal credit system may well help with childcare costs if you are not employed and you are relying on one wage.
Parents are allowed to request flexible working patterns so maybe this could help him juggle the responsibility.
Or a more even split of residency with the mother may help the children have a happier life some of the time whilst not compromising your plans too.

rodentattack · 07/05/2019 20:12

Jesus. Of course you're in the right. Thank God this happened before you married him, because he's just shown you how little he values your wants and needs.

youreonmylastnerve · 07/05/2019 20:16

How much maintenance is he paying his ex? Obviously he'll have that plus two lots of CB towards childcare, although I appreciate he'll have other increased costs.

How long is the 12 year old going to need after school care, really?

But if you're in a council house, do you actually have a spare room for these kids?

youreonmylastnerve · 07/05/2019 20:17

Oh sorry, don't know why I thought his eldest was 12!

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 20:21

Do you have room for two extra children in the house?

Your dilemma is more complicated than your original post really and he isn’t quite such a tosser!

  1. You can’t go to university yet without him paying the bills to support the household.
  2. He can’t move the children to live with you at the moment as the household can’t afford for the two of you to work and pay childcare.

Something has got to change.

LannieDuck · 07/05/2019 21:14

Lannieduck, the op said he had considered quitting his job but they can’t afford for him to do so. Yet it’s ok for the op to quit

If he wasn't with the OP, would he leave the kids with his ex or figure out how to survive on a lower salary / PT / different job? Loads of mothers have to do it, I'm sure he could find a solution. It might not be one he particularly wants, and it would certainly be one that harms his career. But they're his kids, and surely if they're being neglected you figure out how to change that?

I don't quite follow the bit about the OP giving up her job? She was talking about self-funding it in 2 years if DH weren't in the picture.

Macandcheese05 · 07/05/2019 21:24

@Bookaholic73 aaah explains it, thank you for answering :).

Anoisagusaris · 07/05/2019 21:36

The OP will be relying on her DH’s income for her and her 2 children if she returns to university now.

I think it is massively unfair to expect this at the expense of the DHs children living with them.

You need to approach it as if you have 4 children living with you now. If you can’t afford university on his salary, then you just can’t do it. No more than I could afford to give up my job and pay for childcare (and all household costs) out of my husband’s salary.

By all means tell him you won’t provide the childcare for his children (which is entirely reasonable!) , but equally he can expect you to work to contribute to the bills.

swingofthings · 08/05/2019 06:22

I can't see this relationship lasting as it sounds like it isn't a priority for either. OP wants to go to Uni and he wants his kids living with him. If they seperated, he won't have to support OP and her kids, so in all likelihood, he will then be able to afford wrap around care. OP wants to go to Uni. As a single caring mum, she'll get all the benefits to do so.

As things are, OP is getting what she wants, her OH isn't. If his kids can't come live with them because OP goes to Uni yet he has to support her and her kids, it is highly likely that the resentment will take over his feeling similarly if OP accepts to look after his kids giving up her dream of being a midwife.

Either r way, someone will have to give up something they don't want to give up.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/05/2019 06:35

OP hasn't got what she wants for five years why should she wait another five?

fedup21 · 08/05/2019 06:59

OP hasn't got what she wants for five years why should she wait another five?

But... it sounds like she can only afford it now because he was going to pay the bills whilst she trains.

It sounds like compromise is needed. If you were to live separately, would things be better financially (tax credits for the kids for him?) and you could save for the 2 years you were going to and then put yourself through university?

Quartz2208 · 08/05/2019 07:12

At the moment it doesn’t matter if she can only do it with him supporting because there is no give and take. If he was asking her to help support him but doing some of the load then that would be different but he isn’t

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/05/2019 07:36

It would be highly unfair to expect him to support the household whilst you go to uni and then refuse to help with the children. So it's. Steam when it comes to money but not work/parenting.

He would be better off moving out and getting his own place with the children.

Moondancer73 · 08/05/2019 07:36

Have you looked info tax credits if you have the children and you are at uni? If there is only one income and you are studying you may be eligible for help with childcare etc.

ThisIsCheese · 08/05/2019 07:45

@titchy

If you're a full time student with a low income partner as a household you'd be entitled to childcare help I'm sure

This is only for undergrad students, she’s already got her degree so won’t be entitled to any childcare help for any further education. I’m currently doing a full time MSc with 2 school age children, I’m a single parent and I’m entitled to no help other than standard tax credits. We’re having to live on the student loan and credit cards currently.

ilovepinkgin33 · 08/05/2019 08:01

Do the school run a before and after school club ???

I find that this would be a cheaper yet still reliable option for you and your partner

You shouldn't be expected to put your life on hold for another 5 years all because the children have an incompetent mother

titchy · 08/05/2019 08:33

Re benefits for students - agree they're for undergrads, but often courses leading to healthcare practitioner registration are treated the same.

Atalune · 08/05/2019 08:37

Wrap around care isn’t expensive and I’m sure he would be able to talk to his employer and compress his hours?

8-6pm Monday-Thursday and Friday working from home. It would cost £18 a day in wrap around care where I am. 42 weeks of the year 5 days a week. That’s about £4K a year. Not ideal but you wouldn’t have to pay it in one whack.

Can it be done financially?

bamboofibre · 08/05/2019 08:53

Moon, the tax credits are long gone. All new claims are UC. He might get some if he were a RP on his own but probably not with his income and hers from bursaries. But the tax credits are history.

niknac1 · 08/05/2019 08:57

The costs of care for childcare need to include the school holidays as well, also shift workers need out of hours care which is extremely difficult to find, and likely very expensive. These factors probably contribute to the partner’s suggestion that the family can’t afford it but further discussions would be the only way to see what is possible, and that requires both to be on board with the concept of finding a solution. When my children were younger it was also unaffordable for our family to pay for childcare as shift working was involved and no family help was possible.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 08/05/2019 09:38

so, OP you need work with your DP and set out a range of options which go into the full detail of all the sums and practicalities.

The options range from you giving up everything to look after his kids to
his kids staying with their mum and everything in between. Write it down and look at it all.

You will find a way, even if you all have to compromise on some things

Someoneonlyyouknow · 08/05/2019 10:25

Compromise. Look very closely at finances and see if there is anything you can cut (do you want wedding or uni more). I know your dream has been to get to uni but your plans have relied on OH subsidising you (and your DC). If he doesn't want to do that anymore that is his choice. Perhaps the compromise is that you put off training for 1 year, which would still be less than if you have to work to fund it yourself. You shouldn't need to be full-time SAHP for his DC, you just need to maximize your earnings so you can start training as soon as possible.

Atalune · 08/05/2019 10:26

Actually it would be less- more like £3k a year.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2019 10:34

Can you delay the kids moving in until you complete your course?

You sound like a good person and those poor kids with a not so good mum.