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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 08/05/2019 11:35

When I read the thread yesterday, I was all fired up about how unreasonable your DP was being. Having read the updates, this has changed. He's hardly a cocklodger if the plan is for him to subsidise your household while you study. You can't insist that he support you over and above being RP for his dcs.

I'm now with those posters who say that you need to sit down together to work out the logistics for how you do both. It's not helpful to look at it as an either/or choice - how can you facilitate both within a reasonable period of time?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/05/2019 12:44

The thing is once OP is qualified the entire household should be much better off financially so it's not like her DP is funding her to go gap year travelling or whatever, it's more akin to him making an investment.

Sounds like his DC's mum has always been like this, they are not been parented optimally but they are not in any immediate need or danger. Surely it might conceivably be better for everyone if OP gets herself qualified and then his DCs move in with them in 2 years' time rather than everyone living on a shoestring for another 5 years minimum because that won't be much fun for them either.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 14:16

Thank you so much everyone for all of the comments.

The original plan was that he supports me for 2 years while I train, then when I get a job I will support him while he goes back to do his masters for 2 years.
So it’s not like he gets nothing out of it.

We had a chat this morning about it, after we had both calmed down a little. He agrees it’s right that I shouldn’t have to give up my career plans, as I’ve been planning them for much longer than he has been on the scene.

But I also agree it’s not fair on him or his kids not to have them here full time if that’s what they want. Plus they are really lovely kids.

Financially, the issue isn’t wrap around care during term time, it’s half terms and summer holidays.

I wouldn’t have my kids looking after his kids, as someone suggested. My older son (19) couldn’t, and it wouldn’t be fair on my 15 year old to.

The kids mum doesn’t live nearby, so can’t help put on a day to day basis. And has already said that if her kids come to live with us, she won’t help.

I think that has covered the majority of questions that I got. I hope that cleared some things up.

So, I’m not really sure where to go from here. My fiancé says to continue working towards my goals in the meantime, and that some way or other it’ll all get sorted out.

I’m the type of person that needs a plan set in stone...him saying ‘one way or other it’ll all get sorted out’ isn’t concrete enough for me, and sounds an awful lot like ‘you’ll come round to the idea eventually’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 14:19

Oh and just to clarify the 2 year/5 year confusion.

2 years is how long I’ll be training for (starting next year).

5 years is the length of time until his youngest son will be able to care for himself and nobody would need childcare.

OP posts:
JuliaAndJulia · 08/05/2019 14:26

I think school holiday childcare should not be the reason for you to postpone your dreams.

Realistically if your DP saved all his annual leave for this purpose, how many days would be left of holidays when they need care? Can't you budget for this by perhaps not having holidays for couple of years

In 2 years the older one (then 12) will be able to babysit the younger (then 10). My DD didn't want holiday clubs since age 10, We just used holidays, friends, take her to work, library etc. With 2 kids keeping each other company it's doable for part of their holidays.

Cover it for 2 years & no one needs to wait.

bibliomania · 08/05/2019 14:27

If half-terms and summer holidays are the issue, have you at least checked out what your study timetable would look like? I know that professional courses can be longer than normal student terms (I work in a university), but it's possible that your timetable might overlap with their school timetable quite a lot. You might be on a reading week when they're on holiday anyway - at their ages, it should be okay for you to be able to study while at home with them. Given the planned financial arrangements, I don't think that's unfair.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 14:35

Julia he gets 4 weeks annual leave. Plus he gets 2 weeks off at Christmas. So that would leave about 7 weeks that we would have to find cover for.
I actually really like this idea...I think you might be onto something. Thanks!

bibliomania because it’s almost exclusively placement based, I’ll be expected to do normal hours, not just term time or school hours.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/05/2019 14:35

Would their Mum really not want to see them during school holidays, at all?

You've probably said but, no grandparents, aunts, uncles, anyone they could stay with for a week each summer, for example?

Can studying, when not on placement, overlap with having them at home?

I agree that it's worth getting into the detail and, totally agree with you that you need a 'real plan', not an aspiration that may well fall on your head when the time comes.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2019 14:38

I think it sounds as if he thinks once they’ve moved in, you’ll have no choice. You can keep heading for your dreams ‘until then’. I think he expects the sacrifice from you regardless.

Make sure that doesn’t happen OP.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 14:39

lottie apparently not for more than the odd day or 2.

The mums mum is just as bad, the whole family are a bit of a mystery to be honest. The mums sisters have both had their kids taken away from them for various reasons. And my OHs family live the other end of the country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 14:40

Atrocious oh don’t worry, that WONT happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 14:41

Just to be clear, I’ve said that on the days I’m home/starting after 9am or after 3pm, I’ll happily do the school runs etc..it’s not that I mind doing them at all.

OP posts:
niknac1 · 08/05/2019 14:46

For holiday childcare you might consider students, I think under 25s are less expensive and you might get a trainee teacher who would like regular holiday employment. It might be worth seeing if any local university or colleges have students willing.

swingofthings · 08/05/2019 14:46

I agree that it sounds like there might not be that many holidays to cover after all.

Surely their mum will have them for a few weeks, especially if she doesn't work. There are then tge time off you'll have. Add to that that surely your 15yo would agree to watch them a couple of days there and then, after all, you earning more will benefit him too. You can also make friends with other kids parents and agree to trade days whrn you/your oh can have their kids and yours go to them.

You can than save for a few days there and then at holiday clubs. It's a lot of planning ahead but not impossible. Single ft working parents have to do the same.

The question is, are you really totally certain that their mum won't care for them to love out? She might not care much for them when they are with her, but it might be another matter when they actually move out.

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 14:47

I think you shouldn’t have to give up uni for his children and he shouldn’t have to give up having his kids with him to fund your education.

Best case? He moves out with his dc and you pay your own way!

SavingSpaces2019 · 08/05/2019 14:49

him saying ‘one way or other it’ll all get sorted out’ isn’t concrete enough for me, and sounds an awful lot like ‘you’ll come round to the idea eventually’
That's exactly what he means.
He's never been proactive in taking steps to ensure his kids wellbeing post split from his ex - and he won't now either unless he has no other choice.
He's hoping you will come round to the idea and once they've moved in you will 'naturally' take over his responsibilities because he'll be "busy working hard to support your dreams".

Have you asked him why he never took the initiative post split to get his own place and have his kids live with him, especially given that he's so concerned about how the ex treats them?

Nanamilly · 08/05/2019 14:59

Before he left his ex (the kids mum) he would work for 12 hours a day, and have to go home and do all of the housework, chores etc, and cook dinner because his ex sat on her ass doing nothing at home all day. Literally, nothing.

🙄

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 15:03

swing you would think she would have them...but knowing her, it’s highly unlikely.
Part of me wonders if she said this just because she was hurt at the idea of them moving out, and wanted to try and make it difficult.

savingspaces he did have the kids full time for a while, as she moved out after they split up. But she ended up moving back in because the kids missed her (she didn’t speak to them in over 3 months). Plus my fiancé couldn’t continue to pay all the bills, childcare, mortgage etc by himself.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 08/05/2019 15:03

So he will get ch Ben and she may have to pay maintainance. He can afford childcare. He's a sexist git

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 15:04

She moved out because she was cheating on my OH and went to live with her new man.
Needless to say, it didn’t last long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 08/05/2019 15:05

missing no, not sexist at all. And she wouldn’t have to pay maintenance as she is on benefits.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 08/05/2019 15:18

Wlots of working parent manage by using leave, after school clubs usually do summer play scheme and some at Easter/Xmas. You would be financially better off as two sp families so you need to share the hit. It's not impossible, maybe au pair, lodger, students to help out with care or money?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/05/2019 15:19

My DCSs mum had her DCs the absolute minimum amount of time before she would have lost maintenance, tax credits etc. Literally right down to the hour e.g their bedtime was 9pm so on handover days (we had them every week Thu-Sun) she insisted handover time was actually at 9pm on the Sunday so the kids would go in and straight to bed despite her not seeing them all weekend. So I can well believe a mother not being interested.

OP does wraparound childcare cost a lot more than what your DP pays out in child maintenance plus whatever benefits he'd be entitled to as the RP? How many days a week do you have the DCs now?

SavingSpaces2019 · 08/05/2019 15:25

Plus my fiancé couldn’t continue to pay all the bills, childcare, mortgage etc by himself
That still doesn't explain why he didn't rent his own home and have the children move in with him - or adjust his own lifestyle to accomodate it.

Did he move in with you then as soon as she moved back into the family home?

Missingstreetlife · 08/05/2019 15:29

Can't you dip into savings and replenish when you start work?

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