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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:26

madga yes I would still be able to go, but I’d have to wait maybe 2 years while I saved up some money.

And if I wasn’t around, he could afford to be the RP as he would then be able to get some tax credits and childcare paid for.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 17:26

Surely a cm or an after school/breakfast club would be more sensible than him giving up work?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:28

fedup I am not saying they can’t move in though. Although with my refusal to do childcare, maybe I inadvertently am, A’s that’s not a choice.
But their Mum is awful, I hate the thought of any kids having that kind of life. She hasn’t taken them out, even to the park, in about 18 months. She just shouts at them and ignores them while she is online chatting to various men.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 17:29

If you are using his money to go to Uni at the expense of his dc living with him there maybe is a need for more compromise on your part.
Have you both actually sat down and looked at what needs covering and what the actual costs are? What each of you can do in the way of childcare while studying and working.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:30

dreichuplands the issue is cost.

If I go to uni, we will be down to just his income. That will cover our expenses as they are currently, with his kids at their mums and here at weekends.

I can’t afford to go to uni if they move in, as we couldn’t cope financially without my income.

OP posts:
bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 17:30

he could afford to be the RP as he would then be able to get some tax credits and childcare paid for.

There's no more tax credits and whilst he'd probably qualify for help with childcare costs, it's not likely he'd be eligible for UC, so honestly, he'd be in the same boat without you there, don't let him pull that string.

fedup21 · 07/05/2019 17:32

So you can only afford to go to university if he is there?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:32

Yes we run a tight ship and knows what our income/expenses are every month, so we know that it’s an issue of cost vs time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:33

fedup kind of. I would just need to wait another 2 years to save up some money if he wasn’t here.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 17:34

Could you work part time during the course? I managed a part time job while studying a full time MA social work course with placements. ( placements were only office hours though). I worked weekends and evenings, it was only 15 hours a week but helped a lot money wise.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:35

With my disabled son, I do t think working as well as placements etc would be an option.
Although maybe something I could try!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 07/05/2019 17:38

Would your 15 year old be willing to take the children to school and lots k after them when needed and he pays them?

dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 17:38

Maybe if you worked evenings and weekends a bit so you as a family could afford to have his dc live with you then he could look after your dc while you worked?
That way everyone gets what they feel they need out of the family arrangements.

Macandcheese05 · 07/05/2019 17:38

@Bookaholic73 i think you are 100% doing the right thing saying no. however just a question.... why do you call her THE mother? why not THEIR mother or the CHILDRENS mother? would she say "they are with their dad and THE girlfriend" ?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:42

Mac oh I think it’s just a local language thing. I would 100% be fine with her calling me The girlfriend. I call my OH The OH too.

OP posts:
Dualmum · 07/05/2019 17:44

So glad to hear that you told him to look after his own kids. At the end of the day they are HIS children and yes you'll help out when needed but you also need to think about furthering and bettering yourself for the long run.

Janus · 07/05/2019 17:45

Are you sure you can move in a partner and children if you rent your house from the council and it’s only in your name??

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 17:47

Dualmum thanks Smile

Janus yes we have already checked.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 07/05/2019 17:51

I think you absolutely should further your own career OP and I don't think you should be thrust into default carer for dc, let alone dc that aren't yours.
But if you are using your OH's money to pay for the course meaning that he doesn't have the money to care for his dc that wouldn't be right.

Janus · 07/05/2019 17:52

Ok then I think you should not put your plans on hold. There will always be a reason for it to not be a good time to go and do your training in the future, eg they’re in the middle of exams, etc for you to not follow your dreams. If they do move in maybe he can arrange childcare and you work one day a week to cover your end of the bills and everyone gets what they want, would this work?

Magda72 · 07/05/2019 17:57

Op I have this a little with my dp & his ex. She too is what I would call a lazy parent. Dp hates the way she parents & yes his kids are also fed up. However, they are not physically neglected or woefully abused - they are just hugely understimulated & bored. Some people may say this is neglect & shouldn't be tolerated and other people may see her as doing the best she can & that modern children have no ability to be bored any more. In the absence of obvious neglect there is a grey area where sometimes it's just that people have different attitudes to parenting beyond the basics of food & shelter.
Dp would also love his kids to live with us but what I eventually said to him was if you'd never met me (or another woman) would you a) be financially & physically able to be the rp, & b) would you even think the situation is as bad as you think it is or would you be able to tolerate it?
He admitted that no he wouldn't be able to be the rp without a partner as he's self employed & his ex doesn't work & that yes he'd be able to tolerate it; that seeing me with my kids only highlights what his don't have with their dm. My response to that was that that's just comparison & not fair on anyone; that his kids have two functioning parents & that I can't parent his kids just because he thinks I'm better at it.
I don't know if I've explained myself very well because I'm rushing but in short YOU cannot become the scapegoat for what appears to be his ex's lazy parenting; you're not being asked to take in two bereaved or abused kids - you're being asked to cover for a women whose parenting he doesn't agree with & to mind two kids who may be nothing more than bored.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/05/2019 17:58

So if you'd have to wait for 2 years if you were on your own, what I'd be doing in your shoes is have his kids move in you with full time if you think that's best for them, then you go back to work full time for two years to save up the money you would have needed had you been single. He provides childcare/everything for his DCs (or you can help out BUT ensure he reciprocates by doing an equal number of family meals or laundry or whatever for your own DCs so you're not stting a precedent that you'll take on the extra responsibilities that come with him being the RP).

That way you;re making it clear that you will not give up your career plans to be a sahm for his kids and the childcare pattern (not just after school but meals, laundry etc) would have been well established by the time you start your course, but you won't need to feel guilty.

Magda72 · 07/05/2019 18:00

& fwit I too feel v sorry for his kids but they're not my kids to fix in this instance & unfortunately dp has to deal with the fact that he CHOSE to have kids with his ex.

ItsInTheSpoon · 07/05/2019 18:06

If the kids live with you full time, isn’t your partner entitled to claim maintenance from their mother?

panelledreverie · 07/05/2019 18:08

The other side of it is if you’ll be a qualified mw in 2 years, you’ll then as a family be able to offer a much nicer standard of living for all the dc?

How bad is the mum - she feeds them, cares about them, gets them to school? Can you increase how long they’re with you without having them full time for the next 2 years?