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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

299 replies

Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 14:06

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 18:11

itsInTheSpoon she is on benefits so wouldn’t have to pay maintenance I don’t think.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 07/05/2019 18:12

You are unlikely to be able to work while studying, I know that applicants to our local university's midwifery course are told that working is unlikely to feasible.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/05/2019 18:14

Also, what will happen about your NI contributions when you are caring for children who aren't your own and form who you don't receive child benefit?

ItsInTheSpoon · 07/05/2019 18:15

Oh, sorry, I don’t know about paying maintenance if on benefits, but it might be worth checking on gov.uk to see

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/05/2019 18:20

If the mum's on benefits she'll only need to contribute £5pw.

Magda's post at 17:57 is spot on.

notacooldad · 07/05/2019 18:24

I can't see if you have answered but I'll ask again anyway ( apoligizes if I've missed it)
Why can't you have wrap around child care and the money from child benefit will help towards it. Is the course a solid 5 days.
I know many friends are doing. Different degree or add ons and only doing a 2 or 3 day week?

I'm not by any means suggesting you are to be dumped with the child care but by working together with DP to come to a satisfactory resolution. ( eg he takes kids to the child minders and you pick up for example)

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 18:32

Magda you have such a valid point there. I feel so sorry for the poor kids, and it goes 100% against the way that I parent my own kids...but that’s not my responsibility. You are right, the kids have 2 parents..and I’m not 1 of them.

They are just such lovely kids who desperately need some maternal love, or at least something similar.

I’m going to chat to my OH about how we can arrange something, but I’m not giving up my dreams.

I think the course is 5 days a week, midwife shifts etc, so doubt I could do school/childminder pick ups often.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 07/05/2019 18:38

I think the course is 5 days a week, midwife shifts etc, so doubt I could do school/childminder pick ups often.
I think it may be good to see what your starting point is.
Are you ok in theory, if the kids came as long as you could do your course? Do you really not want them with you?

I think being totally honest about what you are prepared to accept ( the uni course is a given, that should happen whether the kids come or not)
Once you've got that see what the two of you can do between you. If DP won't discuss it, wont compromise and is still expecting you to do everything , clearly you have a no go with him. Does he do regular hours?

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/05/2019 18:43

Sorry if I've missed this but we're you planning to live off your OH's income while at university or do you have savings? What I was wondering is if the children move in would you get and financial support from the university or be able to access student loans? It's worth checking what help there is, even if it's only for childcare.

Moreisnnogedag · 07/05/2019 18:46

If his children are living with you, would you be able to access any student support for childcare?

youreonmylastnerve · 07/05/2019 18:53

I think I'd tell him to move out and he can cover the childcare costs, etc. but then you will need to take your two extra years to save up and do your course. He rightly can't rely on you for childcare, but you can't then rely on him to financially support you and your kids if his kids are unhappy as they are.

That's seems fair to me, but I'm possibly seeing it very black and white Blush

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 07/05/2019 18:58

notacooldad I have no objections at all with them moving in, as long as I can still do my course.

OP posts:
TwinMummy1510 · 07/05/2019 18:59

I'm totally prepared to be flamed for my opinion here but I'm seeing this from a different perspective.

From what you've described, his young children are subject to neglect when they're with their mother. They need to be removed from that environment asap - and with their father is the best and obvious choice. It sounds like you already have a good relationship with them as you said your house is "100%" open to them. The only issue is your place at university but according to your updates, you wouldn't have to give up on the idea totally, you'd just have to postpone it for two years while you saved. At the risk of sounding harsh, I can't see how you can prioritise taking your university course now over the welfare of your partner's children.

I think the other very pertinent fact here is that you have an older disabled child and you've admitted that your partner has had to make concessions, such as accepting that he'll probably live with you both for life. So your partner is making concessions for the best interests of your children - I think you owe him the same in return. If you had to give up your career entirely, that would be a different matter but you've said you could do it in two years time. To me that seems a very small sacrifice when the welfare of children is at stake here.

I mean, yes it's shit. And ideally you wouldn't have to. Also, reading your updates you describe your partner as very involved, hands-on and willing to be flexible but right now, there would be no other way. I assume Open University, spreading the course out so it's P/T etc wouldn't be an option?

Please don't think I'm criticising. In your position I'd be feeling mightily pissed off. However, I think as a couple you have to do the best thing for both your children and it's clear the bio mum is an unfit parent and shouldn't have custody. Sending sympathy though - sounds like a tough situation for all.

SavingSpaces2019 · 07/05/2019 19:03

You moved this 'cocklodger' in after only knowing him a year, he's waited until he's got his feet well and truly under your table before showing you what kind of dad/partner he really is - a shit one.

He expects you to do the wifework and parenting for him because he knows you're relying on his income to fund your dream.
He knows you get a better deal out of combining finances, and he's using all this to blatantly manipulate you.

Before he left his ex (the kids mum) he would work for 12 hours a day, and have to go home and do all of the housework, chores etc, and cook dinner because his ex sat on her ass doing nothing at home all day. Literally, nothing.....She hasn’t taken them out, even to the park, in about 18 months. She just shouts at them and ignores them while she is online chatting to various men
So how much of the housework/cooking/cleaning etc does he do now?
If he's a brilliant dad and all that - what has HE done to take care of his children since he broke up with his ex?
He didn't bother getting his own place so they could move in with him - because that would mean doing the kind of parenting he's trying to pass off onto you right now.
Did he even try to get residency for his kids so he could take them out of 'that life'?
Instead he cocklodges with you and slags off his ex whilst manipulating you into doing the donkey work.

As for him 'taking on your kids' by moving in with you - he CHOSE that from the outset. It wasn't sprung on him suddenly with the dictat that he would be parenting your kids...and he hasn't been parenting them.
Moving in with you and your kids hasn't affected his career or earnings, or much of his lifestyle.
He hasn't actually made any sacrifices by moving in with you.
In fact, as soon as he's supposed to step up and support you as agreed he's choosing to backtrack on that agreement AND dictate to you how things will be in YOUR house!

I would suggest you tell him to get his own place to look after his kids. Sort out your own finances so you don't have to rely on his because i can guarantee you that will be used against you - whether subtly or overtly.

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2019 19:19

I’m not sure I’m clear on the options.

  1. You ask him to leave, and you can on your own work and save for two more years then start your course. Totally your choice.
  2. You work and he works and you together pay for childcare. In this scenario you can start your course in two years?
  3. You stop work or work around doing the pick ups and drops offs etc. I assume this means you can’t study either. Totally unfair of him to ask this of you.
  4. You do your course, and he subsidises you as you’ve stopped work. Does this mean he can’t afford his children to live with you as can’t pay for you and childcare? Totally unfair of you even to consider asking him to do this and I am struggling to believe other posters think it’s ok.
Are there other options? Have I understood the above correctly?
lottiegarbanzo · 07/05/2019 19:33

Would you have to wait 2 years or 5 years? That seems to have changed in the course of the discussion. They are quite different prospects.

I think you said that without his support, you'd need to save for another two years to pay for the course yourself. But you said the DCs moving in would mean postponing for five years, because of childcare costs.

Why, because you'd want the youngest to be 13 before being able to come home alone? Even though, when they're 11 and at secondary school, you'd have an 18yo and a 13yo in the house too? That's only three years away, isn't it?

notacooldad · 07/05/2019 19:37

notacooldad I have no objections at all with them moving in, as long as I can still do my course.
Ok sorry if I've missed it again but have you only had the one conversation with Dp , the one where you assumed he meant you deal the care?
Theres got to be away around this so you can get to uni!

EL8888 · 07/05/2019 19:37

@SavingSpaces2019 all very valid points. I’m also not clear what he brings to the party?

Mummyshark2018 · 07/05/2019 19:41

I can see two sides, especially with your recent updates. So your plan was to quit work and for your dp to support your studies and your kids (if you're not earning then he must be supporting them) until you qualify. But by doing that he can't fully support and parent his own kids. Seems unfair to me and a difficult position for your dp to be in. You get to live with your kids and he doesn't. I think you should explore all the potential financial aspects to see how worse/ better off you would be as a family in all of the scenarios. Otherwise cut your loses and do it alone.

titchy · 07/05/2019 19:42

If you're a full time student with a low income partner as a household you'd be entitled to childcare help I'm sure. Benefits for households where there is a full time student aren't clear so you need to check rather than assume he'd have to pay all childcare costs.

And get the child benefit off her!

Honeyroar · 07/05/2019 19:45

It doesn't sound much of a partnership. You both sound very selfish. Poor kids.

bordellosboheme · 07/05/2019 19:49

You are right. Be very careful moving in with this bloke as he sounds like he's going to take advantage massively..

feistymumma · 07/05/2019 19:50

Unbelievable. He can quit work and do that for them, the cheek

LannieDuck · 07/05/2019 19:55

I think the 2 years is a red herring. That's how long the OP would have to save if she were doing it by herself. Because her DH has moved in and combined finances, she doesn't have to wait that long (he's effectively semi-funding it).

If DH's children moved in, she wouldn't only be doing the school runs for 2 years. I believe they're 8ish, so probably at least 5 years.

OP, I agree with SavingSpaces - what has your DH actually done to look after his own children and get them out of a supposedly neglectful environment, apart from criticizing his ex? Has he sacrificed his career at all by going part time? (Loads of single mums have to do it - why didn't he if he feels the children are being so badly done by?) Does he have them 50% of the time?

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 07/05/2019 19:57

If the op quits work to start a degree meaning her DP is fully financially supporting her and her child at expense of having his own children live with them, despite their own mother being shit then it will be op massively taking advantage, not him!