What is wrong with me?

[Cajann]

Long story short, I'm having a hard time being a stepmum. But after a lot of thought I'm pretty sure that I'm sticking it out (5 years into the game now).

But a specific problem I have is feeling like I dont want to share. I dont want to share the food in my cupboards or pretty much my home with my step kid. But I do share it because that what I am supposed to do. I do all the stepmum things but at times I feel so resentful and as though I am having to suffer through something and that makes me not want to give my stepson things. Then another times I do and I treat him to different things.

I feel really resentful especially after longer periods of having my stepkid in my home, such as the holidays. I feel as though I never get time in my home to relax.

What is wrong with me? :(

It sounds like you’re not cut out to be a step parent and that’s fine I don’t think I could be tbh although my dh is a step dad. It’s all about opening you’re life to you’re dp child
aswell as you’re dp.

Very odd thing to say that you resent sharing your food. Do you have your own DC? Do you resent just this child or visitors in general?

It's more the sweet things I buy in more than normal food. I specifically buy things for my step kid and then I buy my own treats. But nothing is ever my own and then I get annoyed about that. I know that sounds so petty.

I dont have my own kids.

You are allowed to keep your own snacks!! I do and my own dc know not to eat them - they have stuff bought specifically for them!! Your dp needs to spell out to the dc it ain't a free for all buffet!!

I'm told that I am being selfish if I dont want to share. To be honest, I feel really stupid for posting. I probably sound like an idiot

If you were my partner and felt like that about my son the relationship would be over.

Some people aren’t cut out to be parents, some aren’t cut out to be step parents and that’s fine. But if you’re one of those people then a relationship that includes children probably isn’t for you. Do you really see yourself being a step parent to this little one when they’re not at an easy stage, but a teenager etc?

Doesn't sound stupid to me. It's quite natural to want some degree of control over things in your home! I have DC and DSC and we have reasonably clear rules about what food they are allowed to help themselves to (bread, fruit, crisps, biscuits) and what they're not (main meal ingredients and alcohol).

Can you have somewhere special that you put food that's a treat for you so DSS doesn't even see it?

In terms of sharing the rest of your home, you do need to share living areas, but could you make your bedroom a bit more of a private chill out zone? A large cushion on the bed? A TV? I ocassionally take my laptop off to bed with me in the evening if I need a bit of time to myself and watch something in iPlayer or Netflix

Is there something in your background, did you have rivalry with your siblings, have you had eating issues?
I had secret choc from my ownDCs that I ate when they were in bed.

What age is your SS?

Is dp pulling his weight or do you do all the disciplining and household stuff?

I totally understand where you’re coming from so you’re not an idiot.

Kids want everything you have, and don’t take no for an answer.

How is your DP if you voice these concerns? I don’t see why you should have to share everything so I would keep your treats separately and explain the kids have their own.

Thanks everybody for your replies.

I have tried to explain to my partner that I want our bedroom to be private from children. But he refuses to accept this as him and his son like to wrestle on our bed. Its little things like this that are making everything seem so much worse to me. My dp refuses to teach him to clean the toilet after himself and he takes ages to get around to doing it so that grinds on me too. This is why I feel like I dont want to share my home.

My ss is 8.

I recently took a step back from discipline as it was causing arguments between my DP and I. Although I do step in when I absolutely have to.

I have began hiding my own treats but that means I'm having to secretly enjoy then as my ss is allowed to stay up quite late.

I never really had any rivalry or eating issues. I think this is just an 'I'm sick of feeling like everything is for and about everybody else and I'm ready for things to go my way for once' type of situation.

Is that terrible?

I think your DP is in the wrong, he's not putting any boundaries in place, does he get away with this behaviour in his mums house? He should have a bedtime at ages 8 and respect your home. Not cleaning the toilet? Basic manners 🙁

It’s your DP at fault here not you. I don’t see how this relationship has a future if he isn’t able to at least take some of your feelings into consideration.

I understand you (I also have my own DC too). My DP lets his kids come into our bed in the morning (I don't call them my step kids as we're not married and I don't really see them like that) and it drives me insane. They'll drink squash etc but the minute I buy something 'nice' for myself, they are into it, more so than my own, or maybe I am more comfortable telling my own to bugger off. I don't know, but I get where you're coming from.

They can wrestle on your step son’s bed! You don’t have to put up with your bedroom being used as a play room. I’m very relaxed about the DC being in our room and our bed when we’re in them but it’s not a wrestling or play room.

You can also have your own snacks. Children respond to clear boundaries and as long as they’re reasonable they should be respected. I don’t eat their special food, they don’t eat mine. Calling you selfish isn’t okay, don’t put up with that.

I think the less time your DSC are with you the harder it is to share space with them. When you’re feeling overcrowded or overwhelmed what do you do currently? We don’t tend to get on top of each other but when I was pregnant for example and exhausted and in need of some down time I’d give DH the nod and he’d whisk them off to the park to burn off some energy and let me nap then we’d all watch a film together when they got back. I’d have more in the tank to give and would enjoy them more and they’d get time just with their dad. You need balance in your home and time and space to yourself, if you’re feeling trapped or it’s all too much you’ll get grumpy and things will seem worse and be worse. You also ideally need time with your SS to bond and get to know him properly. Could you get up with him one morning and make your DP breakfast in bed together? This is something we started doing occasionally and it’s chaotic and fun, gives DH a lie in and gives me time with them doing something nice for him.

But you will struggle to feel warmth towards him if your DP wusses out of basic parenting such as making him clean up after himself and being polite, which are life skills and nothing exceptional at all. All children need reminders sometimes but I doubt he’s getting away with acting like this at school or a friend’s house, does your DP want him to grow into a kind child who’s pleasant to be around or a brat who isn’t? It’s not easy.

I can understand this completely but I think it's time to get out now, both for your sake and for your step son's sake. I know I wouldn't have wanted step children (I do think it's harder for women, too.) Why not think about another way of living?

Doesn't sound to me as if your DP is really respecting your needs or prepared to make any compromises to be in a relationship as well as being a parent. Before I moved in with DP my DD used to come into my bed regularly, but we talked about this before moving in and DP wasn't comfortable about this. He was used to his bedroom being child-free so I agreed to change things and took her back to get bed in the night. It's about now having to balance her needs with DP's (and the DSC).

DP on the other hand had been pretty slack with bedtimes before I moved in. We drew up some compromises and I said that I really needed at least half an hour of adult time after they all went to bed. So he made compromises too.

I can't see how you can have a fair or balanced relationship if your DP expects to set all the rules (or lack of them) considering only DSS and himself and never considering your needs too.

Sympathies with the toilet cleaning - that's one I've failed to address. DSS is now 16 and still doesn't clean it if he makes a mess. I wish we'd sorted that out when he was younger. DP would still rather do it himself (or better still leave it to me) than get DSS to do it

I don't let the dsc into. Our room unless they are unwell. They are all over 7 and old enough to know better and they have their own space.
You have a dp problem! Put the sweets u wnat just for you in your bedroom drawer. I guarantee if dsc had bought own special sweets and I ate them they would be cross, same applies the other way.
I think your resentment is actually of your partners lack of support rather than your dsc

I try to keep the DCs out my bedroom, have my own snacks (and toiletries and things). I think the problem here is you are not being allowed your privacy and personal treats. Of course that's going to make you feel resentful, but it's your DP creating it not DSS. Take it up with him.

My ex was like this with dd1

He would by her treats but the ones he bought him self were always ‘better’ to her (and tbh she was right most of the time. I could never understand why he didn’t just buy two of everything. What you are doing is not emotionally mature.

You know it’s petty because it is. It’s not about sweets or wrestling on the bed. You just resent the boy.

However it’s your own selfishness that keeps you there. He was there before you. Either get a grip or move on

I bet he 100% knows how you feel about him.

From your update I'd say you're feeling like this cos you're not feeling like you can have boundaries.

In my house little things like SC not going into my room to watch TV (they can watch living room TV instead makes me feel like I have somewhere to retreat to if I need to occasionally. I think that's fine as the rest of the house is very child centred!

Treats is a difficult one. If you could save them and have them in the evening it's one thing, but if he's up late yeah it would look a bit mean to sit and eat something and not everyone has one. Do you get much time to yourself in the week?

With these things a little change can go a long way when you figure out little things you need.

It's a shame your partner isn't helping. Is the wrestling thing just in the morning? If so, is it possible to say 'okay everyone out to play in the living room, I need to get dressed'?

I think what you're feeling is entirely normal. It sounds like your personal boundaries are being totally eroded by your ss (not really surprising as he's a child) & this is being supported & aided by your dp.
As it's always said on mn - you have a dp problem. You are a grown woman who should not be expected to share everything inc. her bedroom & honestly if your dp refuses to see this he's probably not the guy for you.

Yeah, it sounds as though you're not cut out to be a step parent. That's fine - some people aren't.

You keep talking about "my home". No recognition that it's your husband's home as well. Or your step-children's home. They may only be in it part of the time, but it should still be home for them. They shouldn't be feeling like guests in their father's house. It's normal for people who share a home to rub each other up the wrong way sometimes, and to have to negotiate boundaries and rules. But that won't work if you don't recognise that "your" home should also be home for them.

As for sharing snacks - is it really so radical to just buy enough for everyone if they also like the things you want, rather than just buying for yourself and then resenting the kids if they want some?

It all points to the fact that you resent the kids' presence. If that's the case, better to simply honestly face up to the fact that taking on somebody else's kids isn't for you, and stay away from guys with kids in future. It's so important to remember that when you get involved with someone who has kids, for a whole heap of reasons, those kids could end up living with you full time some day. If you want to live with, and especially marry, someone who has kids, you have to sign up to that, and not just tolerate the level of contact they have now. Can you honestly say you're okay with that? If not, you shouldn't be in a relationship with a dad. Plenty of guys out there without those commitments.

There's some food I don't like to share with my own kids. Its usually low calorie treats that cost a lot.

I do buy lots of treats for them though. I also get slightly irritated when DH eats my expensive low calorie ice cream.... so I hide it at the back of the freezer and leave the standard stuff visible.

I can't relate to anything else you've said though...as I would never feel unrelaxed or not
want my kids at home in the way you describe.

As a parent my DC were always able to come in our bedroom in the mornings.
They would come and snuggle up with us.

I'd say you're not cut out to be a stepmum. I see how dad and son wrestling in bed can be annoying though.

My brother wrestles with his son and he's older than your SS.... I don't like it, because I'm not a fan of rough play.

Are you sure this is the life for you, or is it a case if you've invested 5 years, you're getting on and haven't got time to waste?

As your SS gets older, he'll go through phases as he develops... are you able to handle it.