What is wrong with me?

[Cajann]

Long story short, I'm having a hard time being a stepmum. But after a lot of thought I'm pretty sure that I'm sticking it out (5 years into the game now).

But a specific problem I have is feeling like I dont want to share. I dont want to share the food in my cupboards or pretty much my home with my step kid. But I do share it because that what I am supposed to do. I do all the stepmum things but at times I feel so resentful and as though I am having to suffer through something and that makes me not want to give my stepson things. Then another times I do and I treat him to different things.

I feel really resentful especially after longer periods of having my stepkid in my home, such as the holidays. I feel as though I never get time in my home to relax.

What is wrong with me? :(

[Missingstreetlife]

Your partner is the problem, he doesn't want to parent his child. Can either you or so be allocated their own toilet, or bar him from one? Too many sweets is not good, how does the mother feel?
Your partner should back you up on reasonable rules otherwise it's not going to work. You have known this child since he was3 but you count for nothing. You should have great relationship by now, dp is preventing that. I would go out and leave them, don't cook or shop.
Tell him things have to change. Don't put up with it

[HeckyPeck]

Then he said those exact words and worse.

The mor you post the more sorry I feel for you.

There are many partners out there that aren’t like this OP.

The way he’s treating you isn’t right.

[Bluntness100]

Ok, are you jealous of his son op, is that part of this?

[cliffwalker]

I have a stash. Neither DC, DSD or DH are allowed anywhere near it.

And have recently been v clear with DSD that the contents of my bathroom cupboards are equally out of bounds.

As is my expensive bath oil. As is the lighting of my scented candles.

There's nothing wrong with you OP.

You are in a position where you're bottom of the heap every weekend and you're rightfully pissed off about it.

[HeckyPeck]

On a side note I don't understand personal treats. We just bought whatever crap, put it in thr cupboard and when it was done replaced it. No one was overly greedy or ate the lot all at once. I honestly don't think we ever once had an argument about such a thing.

OP’s partner and his son eat all the treats though, which is why she wants her own. His son is allowed to eat so many that he’s physically sick sometimes!

You felt neglected, because you are. Your partner puts you bottom of the pile and I’m afraid that’s where you’ll stay if you stay with him.

[QueenOfIce]

You aren't selfish! Lots of parents have a secret stash but because it's a step parent all of a sudden you aren't cut out to be one and you're selfish.

The double standards on these threads really get on my tits. Nothing wrong with not wanting to share!

[Cajann]

Not paraphrasing.

It was about two years ago and it was after a bad argument. I had woken in the middle of the night and my partner wasnt in bed. So I went to the toilet and looked around the house for him. I couldn't find him and so checked my ss bedroom and found him in bed with him. I rolled my eyes, and went to bed. But my partner had seen this. I didn't know because I thought he was sleeping. To me it was a throwaway reaction that I never thought he would see, but he did because he was awake.

The next morning, he had a massive row, calling me jealous etc. Which i guess i was (in general) because I sometimes felt a bit neglected. Then he said those exact words and worse.

[Bluntness100]

But yea, he has told me his son trumps everybody and next to him, I am nothing.

Did he actually use those words or are you paraphrasing?

On a side note I don't understand personal treats. We just bought whatever crap, put it in thr cupboard and when it was done replaced it. No one was overly greedy or ate the lot all at once. I honestly don't think we ever once had an argument about such a thing.

[Magda72]

Op I personally think your dp has a dreadful attitude to your relationship. If my dp told me that I was nothing next to his kids I'd be gone as would he if I said similar to him. It is possible for a parent to love their kids and their partner equally. I do. That doesn't mean my dp comes first; my kids needs come first but I try to treat their wants and those of my dp equally.
You deserve a lot better & with that attitude from your dp I can see his ds turning into a right entitled teen/young adult who will possibly be very difficult to live with.

[Ohkayyy]

But yea, he has told me his son trumps everybody and next to him, I am nothing

That is not okay! Kids do not have to trump everyone. Their needs (very different to wants) come first of course, but what you want, and you as a person matter!

[HeckyPeck]

You deserve so much more than that OP.

Imagine if you could fast forward 5 years. Do you think you’d rather have spent 5 more years with them both or 5 years without them?

[Cajann]

I haven't thought about couselling because I feel as though my partner would go mad and say all the things I'm afraid of hearing.

But yea, he has told me his son trumps everybody and next to him, I am nothing.

[YesimstillwatchingNetflix]

I agree,it's not trivial to have no say over your own home, property and personal spaces.

Have you thought about going to counselling with DP and discussing parenting and decision making together? It sounds like he thinks that his son trumps everyone else, and that isn't healthy. Your needs matter as well.

[HeckyPeck]

I don’t think they are trivial things really. It’s all down to not being respected and your partner’s crap parenting and inability to say no, even to the point that it makes his kid sick.

Imagine what your step son will be like as a teen with your partner as his parent? What that environment would be like to live in,

At the end of the day you need to do what you think would make you happiest.

[Cajann]

He has a hard time saying no to his son, hence the sweets situation. Although every now and again he will put his foot down.

In regards to the bedroom, I wasn't bothered as much by it before because my ss was younger and rarely came in. So it wasnt a case that this went on for 5 years. It's a relatively new thing, only a few months happening.

I'm very torn on what I want. I love my partner and I do love my ss. It's this resentment over trivial things that is spoiling it all :(

[HeckyPeck]

Ss is overfed with sweets anyway (to the point he becomes sick at times) so my dp will just have to accept it.

Your DP feeds his kid so many sweets that he’s sick? Bloody hell, what a shit think to do.

If they (not sure if it’s your DP is the son) call you a selfish witch say firmly that they already ate all their sweets and didn’t share any of them and not to call you that ever again.

I’ll be honest though, it doesn’t sound like your partner respects you. Why did it take him 5 years to listen to you about your bedroom?

You don’t have to keep going just because you’ve put 5 years in.

If a relationship doesn’t make you happy then you’re allowed to leave for any reason you choose.

[CheeseIsEverything]

You're not unreasonable OP.

It's about your DP really, not his son. But I can see how the anger/resentment spills in that direction.

It's very important I think that step parents aren't viewed as lower down the pecking order.

My DH always made an effort to make sure I knew I was just as important (obviously kids are important but within our home, we all mattered just as much). So if I'd bought something he knew I would want as a treat it would be 'no, put that back it is for Cheese'. Or if they wanted to play in our room it would be 'no, you have your own room go and play in there'.

It's got to be give and take. You can't just give give give and give and never take anything for yourself. This is exactly where your resentment is coming from.

It isn't just about sweets. It's about feeling like you can't enjoy anything for yourself and I get how that would in time, build frustration. Who hasn't had a shit day at work and thought, God I just want to go home and have my favourite chocolates in my pajamas. It's not about being petty, everyone should be able to do that in their own home!

As someone said above, it's a real tough gig being a step parent. You don't get the same rewards as a parent but you're expected to always smile and act like a saint. Well in reality it isn't always that simple! Having very real and honest feelings doesn't make you a bad person.

Your DP needs to set some boundaries and stop treating you like a second rate member of your household.

And yes, I've had the bloody toilet issue too. All over the floor and seat etc... I brought it up with DP and it's not happened since because he dealt with it! This is what yours needs to be doing.

What you want does matter. Just as much as anyone else and yes, in this situation just as much as your SS!

[Runneryogi]

Food makes me angry with my sc too. I buy and cook all the food when they visit but they help themselves and eat everything without even considering whether anyone else wants anything. Eg I bought a big loaf of sourdough bread hoping to have some for dinner but they ate the whole thing and didn’t leave anything. I wouldn’t mind if they just had a slice or asked if I minded them finishing it. They are in their 20s!

Now when they visit I don’t buy anything apart from meals, their dad can buy them extras if they want

[SavingSpaces2019]

I paid the entire deposit (quite a large sum)
I hope this has been legally ringfenced so you can claim it back should you split?

Stop calling yourself 'selfish' for wanting to eat your own share of treats!
Howe about calling dp ande his son 'greedy' for expecting to eat yours after polishing off their own?

Your 'd'p is the problem.
He's a lazy disney parent by the sounds of it.
I bet you end up doing all the cleaning and other dsc related chores?

[Cajann]

He says that ss will have the toilet brush up the walls and he will make a mess. We have three toilets in the house and you can bet that when ss is here, all three need to be cleaned.

I am honestly ready for a child free, stain free weekend lol

[Magda72]

Oh the toilet thing is a nightmare. Dp's 3 sons 19, 16 & 13 are disgusting with toilets which I don't get as dp isn't. It drives me insane & while dp himself is immaculate he excuses the kids - "they're only kids".
Eh no they're not! One of the first things I taught my two sons & one daughter was how to hygienically clean up after themselves. What is wrong with some parents? And why doesn't your dp want him to learn this basic skill?

[AliceRR]

My SS used to do this

DH was inconsistent and sometimes tried to tell him to just lift the toilet seat and then there wouldn’t be pee on it (it was peeing on the seat rather than toilet rim)

Other times I was unreasonable for not wanting to sit in his pee every weekend

A friend of mine has a series of jars with family names on. Your treats go in your jar when the shopping is done, eat them when you want but don't eat anyone else's.

This is a good idea.

My DH eats things like that. I can buy a six pack of crisps, thinking they’ll last at least til I go shopping again, but DH can eat them in 1-2 days. I can buy a pack of five cream eggs, again thinking they’ll last and be in the fridge for when I want one, they’ll be gone in a day... Maybe I should get him his own jar 😂

[VanGoghsDog]

I felt like this, less about him just eating stuff and me wanting it, more about my inability to ever make a plan. So, I'd buy say a pack of Kitkats and aim to take one to work each day with my packed lunch and DSS would eat them all on the day after I'd done the shopping. Same with crisps, everything. He could eat ten bags of crisps in two days. Buying more made no difference, he just ate more (and refused his dinner).

It drove me insane and [ex]DP claimed I was being controlling by telling people what they could and could not eat. No manner of buying DSS his 'favourite' thing ever worked (the only thing that really worked was to buy marzipan which he doesn't like). I maintain that all homes with kids have to have some sort of method for dealing with the food planning for everyone for the week.

I never sorted it out and we split up (not over this but it can't have helped, I never felt like a single thing was my own).

A friend of mine has a series of jars with family names on. Your treats go in your jar when the shopping is done, eat them when you want but don't eat anyone else's. So, that way you have your daily Kitkat etc, they have five Kitkats on Monday - their choice!

[Cajann]

How to use a toilet brush when he stains the toilet. Or clean his pee off the rim of the toilet.

[Holidayshopping]

Toilets, I might just teach him myself. Although this might cause arguments because my dp doesnt want him to learn yet.

This is odd. What exactly is it he doesn’t he want his son to learn yet?