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Original poster

What is wrong with me?

83 replies

Cajann · 27/04/2019 16:10

Long story short, I'm having a hard time being a stepmum. But after a lot of thought I'm pretty sure that I'm sticking it out (5 years into the game now).

But a specific problem I have is feeling like I dont want to share. I dont want to share the food in my cupboards or pretty much my home with my step kid. But I do share it because that what I am supposed to do. I do all the stepmum things but at times I feel so resentful and as though I am having to suffer through something and that makes me not want to give my stepson things. Then another times I do and I treat him to different things.

I feel really resentful especially after longer periods of having my stepkid in my home, such as the holidays. I feel as though I never get time in my home to relax.

What is wrong with me? :(

OP posts:
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Tavannach · 28/04/2019 02:31

I don't understand why you're not buying enough to share. I assume you want your DSS to learn to share.

Alicewond · 28/04/2019 02:42

Op I do understand but also you need the relax a little and try harder to bond

I always when shopping with DSD allowed her to choose a treat, if I choose one too she’d know it was mine. But then I would always share it with her. And in return she would offer to share whatever treat I’d bought her, even if I declined the offer

YemenRoadYemen · 28/04/2019 02:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL, and this is exactly why I could categorically never be in a relationship with a man who had young children. Just no - I am simply not cut out for it, and I know the child/ren would pick up on it, making things worse.

I think you're better off just being honest with yourself, and moving on. Life is too short, etc.

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 03:10

You can tell you do not have kids OP because you are taking it way too personal. All kids raid through cupboards and eat their own foods alongside everyone else's. It's called growing up!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 28/04/2019 06:26

I don't think you can make a decision about whether you're cut out to be a step parent when your DP hasn't given you a chance to try it with some boundaries in place and your needs taken into account.

I think it's reasonable to want your bedroom to be kid free. They can wrestle somewhere else. It's reasonable for an 8 year old to have a set bedtime that allows you to have ample quiet adult time every evening. It's reasonable to place limits on what food a child can access, especially treat food. That's not good for him anyway.

Your partner needs to balance your needs along with that of your step son. Sometimes the step son will need to come first- but not in every single aspect of your home life. You are a person with needs as well. It is not fair of your partner to dismiss your concerns as you being selfish or not sharing. You're obviously sharing a lot of things, you've asked to carve out some things, places, time for yourself and your relationship- that's healthy and normal.

If your DP can't discuss this with you without shaming and blaming you, then this isn't going to work.

But based on your posts, I don't think there is anything massively wrong with you. You might be an amazing step mum if you were in a situation where you had some say in how the house is run.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 28/04/2019 06:32

I personally don't think it's a dsc issue, it's just kids in general! They try and take all your stuff... it's something I struggle to deal with, and I have a grown up dd and a teenage ds of my own, as well as dsc.

Once kids are involved, nothing is really just for you anymore. That's why I have a stash of treats in my bedside drawer Wink

KaleidoscopeEyes · 28/04/2019 06:35

Also, none of the kids in this house are really allowed in our room, it's the one tiny space that's just ours. Obviously if they needed us for something, or they're upset, or ill or whatever, that's different. But generally, our room is off limits.

JenniferJareau · 28/04/2019 06:39

What is wrong with me?

Nothing. Your dp is the issue, sounds like he is a Disney dad. Not teaching dc to clean the bathroom after themselves or have a set bedtime is basic parenting.

I'd be calling a time out and demanding some basic changes.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 28/04/2019 06:42

Oh and yep the bathroom thing is disgusting and he is old enough to clean up after himself. Your DP is doing you all a disservice by not teaching and reminding him to do this.

swingofthings · 28/04/2019 07:22

No one is the issue. Some people like their home to their sanctuary and don't feel so with someone else there. You feel like this with your ss, I don't feel like this with my kids but with my OH. When he goes away on work trips, I feel like another person in my home and I love it. Speaking with other people, it is quite common.

You just need to accept how you feel, be careful not to let it out so that your ss feels rejected, which is very easy to convey, and just make the best of your home when he isn't here.

Original poster
Cajann · 28/04/2019 12:29

Thanks again for all the replies.

I want to point out that when buying treats, my stepson gets to choose what he wants. He physically gets to pick what he prefers. I then buy my own, which tend to be considered as fair game by the rest of the household. I dont really want to spend a fortune on treats when everybody has already got to choose their own and then gobble them all down and look for mine afterwards.

OP posts:
Beachbodynowayready · 28/04/2019 12:48

You are second rate op. Is that really all you are worth?

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 28/04/2019 13:03

'Everybody' is gobbling your treats? Does your DP do this as well? He's setting a poor example for his son in terms of respecting you if he is.

Have you spoken to DP about the treats thing? What does he say?

While i think most food in a house should be communal, if it is important to you to have some treats that are just yours- that's really not asking for the moon. If they know that you bought the kit Kat or whatever as a treat for yourself, then it's a basic act of respect to not gobble it up.

I think DP is the problem, not DSS.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 28/04/2019 13:06

Also is it partly the cost that bothers you? Why are you paying for DSS's treats? How do you and DP work out money between you when DSS is involved?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 28/04/2019 13:10

Cajann. There is nothing wrong with you, and everything wrong with the intolerable circumstances you're living in.

I wouldn't stay any longer if I were you.

Beamur · 28/04/2019 13:14

Stepmum here.
YANBU
You have a DP problem. Requesting reasonable boundaries are kept is fine.
My DH can't understand my need to have things that are just mine, but he does respect it.

BlueSkyBurningBright · 28/04/2019 16:30

In a blended family, boundaries and rules are very important.

All the kids know that they are not allowed in the bedroom Dh and I share. If they want to come in they have to knock and wait to be invited in or acknowledged. This has been the rule since they were about 8, they are now teens.

Also they have as many snacks as they want. They are entitled to have stuff they buy and keep in their room, there are general snacks in the kitchen for everyone to help themselves to, then there is my and DH snack draw. The kids would never touch the snacks in our draw.

You need to talk to your dh and not make it about dos. I imagine it is more difficult if you do not have your own dc. With me it was easier setting rules as it applied to DC and DSC.

You are getting a bit of a hard time here, which is unjustified, being a step parent is hard. Often on MN stepmothers are always in the wrong.

daftgeranium · 28/04/2019 18:25

Your DP is not valuing your relationship. He needs to know how unhappy you are, and he needs to know what HE can do to help put it right.

Sewfrickinamazeballs · 28/04/2019 18:53

Probably get flamed for this.

I have been a step-mum for 15 years and have my one child too. Agree with others that this is just normal kid behaviour. Before my own child came along (12 years in) I was a bit like you and I now think I understand why. For me, with my own child I put up with the bad behaviour, snack stealing, noise, racket etc. as there is some ‘reward’. It’s hard to describe but you get the little kisses, the ‘I love you’ comments, the joy of seeing them doing something new. With a step child, it’s totally different. You don’t get that stuff immediately, and sometimes not at all. Your expected to ‘do’ mum type things (including sharing food) without necessarily seeing this pay off and it makes it so very hard.

I love my step child to pieces, they are a wonderful person blossoming into an adult. I helped with the first job applications, with GCSE choosing, with most academic things, sports lessons etc, but was never told of exam results, thanked for any of the help I gave them, or is really seen as someone who helped bring them up. I don’t expect them to, they are a child after all but that is a hard lesson to learn and at least for me took many years. I’ve accepted I won’t ever be a ‘parent’ to them, but I also can’t act like they are not my child when under my roof.

Being a step parent is so very tough, but in my opinion your either in or out, and in means being a bit more selfless.

daftgeranium · 28/04/2019 19:12

I find the posts here just flaming the OP to be completely out of order. There is very clearly an issue with the OP's partner not setting boundaries and not parenting his child properly, so that the child is allowed to overstep boundaries and the OP's needs are ignored in her own home. I don't think that is acceptable.

Those who have flamed the OP - consider that you may be guilty of fueling the tired old 'stepmothers can do no right' cliche, completely unfairly, and not looking at the situation evenly or fairly. She has a right to have a happy life, and to be listened to, as well as her partner and his child.

Alicewond · 29/04/2019 01:06

@Cajann if all are gobbling them down why do you blame SS? Surely the older parties are more to blame? I do understand you need your your own place and own things, but you need to speak to DH for the fault here, not children

IncrediblySadToo · 29/04/2019 01:28

Whose house was it to start with? His, yours or rented/bought ‘fresh’ together?

It sounds like it was probably his before you and that’s never a good start.

You need to tell him very clearly that this has to stop if he wants to stay together. He doesn’t get to make all the ‘house rules’ simply because he has a child.

If it was only the two of you, it wouldn’t be ok for him to eat your snacks, jump on the bed and have his mates around until late every night...just because he has a child it doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable.

He needs to listen to you and respect your boundaries, if he doesn’t it’s time to leave unless you want another 60 years of having your wants, needs and desires ignored.

Original poster
Cajann · 29/04/2019 07:52

We lived in my house originally, then I sold it and used the money to buy the house with my partner. I feel as though considering that I paid the entire deposit (quite a large sum) that my small requests should be respected.

DP and I had a talk this weekend. There seems to be some movement as he wouldnt let his son play in our room. As soon as i heard him say no and to do it in his own room, I felt as though a weight was lifted off me. And with it, went a huge feeling of resentment at that moment. I could have cried with relief and appreciation that I was finally being listened to.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 29/04/2019 07:55

If anyone ate my own personal snacks, I’d be proper cross!! Step child or anyone else! Put them in your bedroom and tell them why!

Not cleaning your skid marks in the loo is disgusting too.

Beamur · 29/04/2019 08:34

Cajann
That's a positive update. You really aren't asking for much. It is good that your DP has listened and respected your views.