What is wrong with me?

[Cajann]

Long story short, I'm having a hard time being a stepmum. But after a lot of thought I'm pretty sure that I'm sticking it out (5 years into the game now).

But a specific problem I have is feeling like I dont want to share. I dont want to share the food in my cupboards or pretty much my home with my step kid. But I do share it because that what I am supposed to do. I do all the stepmum things but at times I feel so resentful and as though I am having to suffer through something and that makes me not want to give my stepson things. Then another times I do and I treat him to different things.

I feel really resentful especially after longer periods of having my stepkid in my home, such as the holidays. I feel as though I never get time in my home to relax.

What is wrong with me? :(

Sewfrickinamazeballs
I completely agree with you. I love and care for my SC's but it is different with my own DD. I don't feel bad about that because they have a Mum and Dad who love them unconditionally. I am an extra adult in their lives, we get on well, but I don't love them like a parent does.

Your entitled to feel this way! He’s not your child but your being a step parent presumably because the love you have for your partner. Don’t let anyway make you feel guilty for the way you feel I’ve been there, step children are hard graft and they know how to work a situation in they’re favour.
Your chin up things will get better

I know how you feel. But it's dh you need to be annoyed at not ss. Ss is 8 so he's not taking your food dh is and giving it to him. It won't hurt ss to be told, no that is (your names) you have this. Children don't get to share everything. Or buy stuff you know he won't like, like dark chocolate or spicy crisps.

My ss is not allowed in my bedroom, that is my private space and where I can go if I need to get away. There is nothing wrong with that. You need to set the rule with dh that ss is not allowed in the bedroom.

Again the toilet is dh issue. He should be cleaning up for ss, he's still little. My ss didn't start flushing the toilet until he was about 10 and he still needs to be told to wash his hands now.

It's hard but it's about making life liveable for everyone. You don't have to love him or be a mum to him. Just be nice. Having your own stuff and space will help with that. Lastly, don't feel you have to do everything as a family when he's there. Go out on your own or with friends, or let dh take him out without you. It's harder if you try and play happy families when you're not that happy with the situation.

We lived in my house originally, then I sold it and used the money to buy the house with my partner.

I do hope you protected your large investment in the property.

Can you not put your food treats in an unreachable cupboard?

Kids can be greedy. They'll eat their own treats and yours given half a chance.

Mine aren't so bad with that, but my Dsis does complain about it with her teenage and early 20s DC. Then they accused her of being the 'food police'. So please realise it's not just stepchildren who do this...and it's not just young children either.

I’m glad you had a talk with your DP, OP

YANBU I think everything you say is understandable and it seems your DP expects you to just put aside your feelings and what is important to you because he has a child which is not right

You should be able to have your own space in your bedroom at least. When my SC were young they used to come into the bedroom in a morning and I didn’t mind that but as they got older and bearing in mind they str boys I wanted my own space and not for them to just walk in when I might have been getting dressed etc so it became the norm for them not to come in our room. You can have your own treats and SC should be taught that they can’t have everything they see and especially if they chose their own treat. The toilet thing would drive me mad. My SCs used to do it and DH didn’t want to teach them not to pee on the toilet seat so who do you think used to constantly clean it or sit on pee 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to be clear to your DP about what’s important to you as you need to be comfortable in your own home too

@Cajann I feel the same - I don't want to share my sweets either

I think it's just a feeling of resentment that is normal and that we have to work through - it's not the child's fault it's us but it doesn't help when you're going through it xx

Thanks again for your replies folks.

I do agree that we are moving in the right direction and hope that the rule about our bedroom is enforced going forward. My ss has his own room PLUS a games room for his playstation so I cant see why it shouldn't be.

Treatwise, I am just going to refuse to share my sweets. I know I will be made out as a selfish witch but that's just what's going to happen. Ss is overfed with sweets anyway (to the point he becomes sick at times) so my dp will just have to accept it.

Toilets, I might just teach him myself. Although this might cause arguments because my dp doesnt want him to learn yet. Any advice on whether I'm overstepping the mark if I do that?

I know how you feel. I feel very similar in my situation. Almost 4.5 years of being a step parent.
I also don't have children.

I can honestly go up and down with how I feel based on the situations at hand and how she is behaving. Even times she puts stress on our relationship.

Still have your own things, put your special snacks in a place he can't reach and tell your partner that they are for you

Toilets, I might just teach him myself. Although this might cause arguments because my dp doesnt want him to learn yet.

This is odd. What exactly is it he doesn’t he want his son to learn yet?

How to use a toilet brush when he stains the toilet. Or clean his pee off the rim of the toilet.

I felt like this, less about him just eating stuff and me wanting it, more about my inability to ever make a plan. So, I'd buy say a pack of Kitkats and aim to take one to work each day with my packed lunch and DSS would eat them all on the day after I'd done the shopping. Same with crisps, everything. He could eat ten bags of crisps in two days. Buying more made no difference, he just ate more (and refused his dinner).

It drove me insane and [ex]DP claimed I was being controlling by telling people what they could and could not eat. No manner of buying DSS his 'favourite' thing ever worked (the only thing that really worked was to buy marzipan which he doesn't like). I maintain that all homes with kids have to have some sort of method for dealing with the food planning for everyone for the week.

I never sorted it out and we split up (not over this but it can't have helped, I never felt like a single thing was my own).

A friend of mine has a series of jars with family names on. Your treats go in your jar when the shopping is done, eat them when you want but don't eat anyone else's. So, that way you have your daily Kitkat etc, they have five Kitkats on Monday - their choice!

My SS used to do this

DH was inconsistent and sometimes tried to tell him to just lift the toilet seat and then there wouldn’t be pee on it (it was peeing on the seat rather than toilet rim)

Other times I was unreasonable for not wanting to sit in his pee every weekend

A friend of mine has a series of jars with family names on. Your treats go in your jar when the shopping is done, eat them when you want but don't eat anyone else's.

This is a good idea.

My DH eats things like that. I can buy a six pack of crisps, thinking they’ll last at least til I go shopping again, but DH can eat them in 1-2 days. I can buy a pack of five cream eggs, again thinking they’ll last and be in the fridge for when I want one, they’ll be gone in a day... Maybe I should get him his own jar 😂

Oh the toilet thing is a nightmare. Dp's 3 sons 19, 16 & 13 are disgusting with toilets which I don't get as dp isn't. It drives me insane & while dp himself is immaculate he excuses the kids - "they're only kids".
Eh no they're not! One of the first things I taught my two sons & one daughter was how to hygienically clean up after themselves. What is wrong with some parents? And why doesn't your dp want him to learn this basic skill?

He says that ss will have the toilet brush up the walls and he will make a mess. We have three toilets in the house and you can bet that when ss is here, all three need to be cleaned.

I am honestly ready for a child free, stain free weekend lol

I paid the entire deposit (quite a large sum)
I hope this has been legally ringfenced so you can claim it back should you split?

Stop calling yourself 'selfish' for wanting to eat your own share of treats!
Howe about calling dp ande his son 'greedy' for expecting to eat yours after polishing off their own?

Your 'd'p is the problem.
He's a lazy disney parent by the sounds of it.
I bet you end up doing all the cleaning and other dsc related chores?

Food makes me angry with my sc too. I buy and cook all the food when they visit but they help themselves and eat everything without even considering whether anyone else wants anything. Eg I bought a big loaf of sourdough bread hoping to have some for dinner but they ate the whole thing and didn’t leave anything. I wouldn’t mind if they just had a slice or asked if I minded them finishing it. They are in their 20s!

Now when they visit I don’t buy anything apart from meals, their dad can buy them extras if they want

You're not unreasonable OP.

It's about your DP really, not his son. But I can see how the anger/resentment spills in that direction.

It's very important I think that step parents aren't viewed as lower down the pecking order.

My DH always made an effort to make sure I knew I was just as important (obviously kids are important but within our home, we all mattered just as much). So if I'd bought something he knew I would want as a treat it would be 'no, put that back it is for Cheese'. Or if they wanted to play in our room it would be 'no, you have your own room go and play in there'.

It's got to be give and take. You can't just give give give and give and never take anything for yourself. This is exactly where your resentment is coming from.

It isn't just about sweets. It's about feeling like you can't enjoy anything for yourself and I get how that would in time, build frustration. Who hasn't had a shit day at work and thought, God I just want to go home and have my favourite chocolates in my pajamas. It's not about being petty, everyone should be able to do that in their own home!

As someone said above, it's a real tough gig being a step parent. You don't get the same rewards as a parent but you're expected to always smile and act like a saint. Well in reality it isn't always that simple! Having very real and honest feelings doesn't make you a bad person.

Your DP needs to set some boundaries and stop treating you like a second rate member of your household.

And yes, I've had the bloody toilet issue too. All over the floor and seat etc... I brought it up with DP and it's not happened since because he dealt with it! This is what yours needs to be doing.

What you want does matter. Just as much as anyone else and yes, in this situation just as much as your SS!

Ss is overfed with sweets anyway (to the point he becomes sick at times) so my dp will just have to accept it.

Your DP feeds his kid so many sweets that he’s sick? Bloody hell, what a shit think to do.

If they (not sure if it’s your DP is the son) call you a selfish witch say firmly that they already ate all their sweets and didn’t share any of them and not to call you that ever again.

I’ll be honest though, it doesn’t sound like your partner respects you. Why did it take him 5 years to listen to you about your bedroom?

You don’t have to keep going just because you’ve put 5 years in.

If a relationship doesn’t make you happy then you’re allowed to leave for any reason you choose.

He has a hard time saying no to his son, hence the sweets situation. Although every now and again he will put his foot down.

In regards to the bedroom, I wasn't bothered as much by it before because my ss was younger and rarely came in. So it wasnt a case that this went on for 5 years. It's a relatively new thing, only a few months happening.

I'm very torn on what I want. I love my partner and I do love my ss. It's this resentment over trivial things that is spoiling it all :(

I don’t think they are trivial things really. It’s all down to not being respected and your partner’s crap parenting and inability to say no, even to the point that it makes his kid sick.

Imagine what your step son will be like as a teen with your partner as his parent? What that environment would be like to live in,

At the end of the day you need to do what you think would make you happiest.

I agree,it's not trivial to have no say over your own home, property and personal spaces.

Have you thought about going to counselling with DP and discussing parenting and decision making together? It sounds like he thinks that his son trumps everyone else, and that isn't healthy. Your needs matter as well.

I haven't thought about couselling because I feel as though my partner would go mad and say all the things I'm afraid of hearing.

But yea, he has told me his son trumps everybody and next to him, I am nothing.

You deserve so much more than that OP.

Imagine if you could fast forward 5 years. Do you think you’d rather have spent 5 more years with them both or 5 years without them?

But yea, he has told me his son trumps everybody and next to him, I am nothing

That is not okay! Kids do not have to trump everyone. Their needs (very different to wants) come first of course, but what you want, and you as a person matter!

Op I personally think your dp has a dreadful attitude to your relationship. If my dp told me that I was nothing next to his kids I'd be gone as would he if I said similar to him. It is possible for a parent to love their kids and their partner equally. I do. That doesn't mean my dp comes first; my kids needs come first but I try to treat their wants and those of my dp equally.
You deserve a lot better & with that attitude from your dp I can see his ds turning into a right entitled teen/young adult who will possibly be very difficult to live with.