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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter having a baby

101 replies

FiremanKing · 16/04/2019 05:37

My oldest step daughter is having a baby.

My husband will be called Grandad and her mother will be Nanny and her husbands mother will also be called Nanny.

But my husbands ex wife has specifically mentioned to her daughter that I should not be addressed as Nanny or any other grandparent name (granny, gran, grandma etc).

My husband says this is nonsense and I can be Nanny too.

My step daughter and her husband think I should be called Nanny too but my step daughter has said her mother is going on and on about it and it’s causing a lot of tension.

The other Nanny to be, the mother of my step daughters husband has no problem with my being called Nanny.

I would love to be a third Nanny but I don’t want this to mar the arrival of the new baby.

What do other step grandparents call themselves?

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Twizzleegg · 16/04/2019 05:59

My mum is Grandma and my dad is grandpa, but my friend Sue is Gogo which I think is South African and my MIL is Abu which is Spanish. There's a lot to choose from. Congratulations 😁

babycakes1010 · 16/04/2019 06:05

My dc call there grandads wife nanny (insert name) and that hasn't caused an issue

Phillipa12 · 16/04/2019 06:09

My dcs call their step nan granny (insert name).

Hidingtonothing · 16/04/2019 06:12

DSS is about to be a dad and has referred to me as Nanny when talking about the baby. I've said I think I should just be called by my name as that's what he has always called me but he wasn't happy with that so we've compromised and I will be Nanny-my-name instead.

I have pretty extensive experience of step families, I have a step-dad and had step-grandparents who I just called by their names. My DSC have spent a lot of time with my parents over the years and they've done the same. Tbh what they call you has little bearing on how your relationship develops as they grow up, my DSC and my parents are really close and their relationship is very much DGP/DGC, as was mine with my step-GP's.

My advice would be not to get hung up on names, it's the bond you build with them that matters and if you treat them as DGC then that's the relationship you end up with IME. You may well find they will choose their own name to call you anyway, we've had a couple of (deeply sweet) variations on grandad/nan in my family simply because the DC couldn't pronounce the words properly when they were little and those names are always more special somehow.

MrsBertBibby · 16/04/2019 06:18

I think you need to let your sd decide and let her defer to her mum if she can't face the aggro.

So nice she would like you to be nanny though.

MarinaMarinara · 16/04/2019 06:19

I can only speak from the grandchild point of view (both my parents’ parents had separated and they had all remarried). My step grandparents were always known by their first names, never granny/grandpa or any variation of that. So dad’s dad and his wife would be “grandpa and Sue” his mum and her husband would “granny and Phil” for example. Otherwise I would have had 8 people with a grandparent name which is confusing and messy. Doesn’t/didn’t change how I felt about my step grandparents, it was just much easier. Both my parents hugely appreciated their respective parents and step parents not pressurising them either way (not saying you would for a moment, but sounds like your DH needs to tread carefully - it’s really not up to him to decide anything or to make a call on what is or isn’t nonsense...).

Also, even if you had a grandparent name it would be best not to go for “nanny” with two already. Aside from the fact that it is in my opinion the worst/most confusing available option I think the two nannies may very well regret both going for the same name. DM and MIL have both gone for grandma for my DC, DM sees the kids a lot more than MIL (PIL’s choice, DH is a SAHD and is really happy to see either my parents or his during the week and is sad about his parents’ lack of interest) and my toddler has started referring to them as “real” and “not real” grandma, which we are trying hard to discourage but it is how she feels.

Limpshade · 16/04/2019 06:24

A third "nanny"? It's going to be confusing enough for the kid having two relatives known as nanny, let alone three!

But I get what you are saying. I am surprised your SD is letting her mum have a say in what her daughter calls you - it's actually none of her business. Is there bad blood between you?

I have a mum and a step-mum, and I asked them both what they would like my kids to call them when the first one was born. My mum chose Granny, and my step-mum chose Granny [Name]. It was easy because despite not being overly fond of each other THEY BOTH ACTED LIKE ADULTS.

I imagine when the baby is here no one will care about this petty crap anymore, and then you can decide together with your stepdaughter what your "name" is going to be. It's not like the baby is going to be able to say it for at least another year anyway!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/04/2019 06:26

Our DD just calls my husbands step parents by their names.

MrsKyloRen · 16/04/2019 06:28

My husband and I both have stepmothers, and they both have grandmother-type names. My mum was a bit upset about it before DS was born and she did make me feel guilty, but we persisted because it seemed fairest and we wanted DS to have several grandparent figures. DS is now three and mum has long since gotten over it. I suspect largely because she is clearly DS’ favourite! 😂😂 i’d say do what you think is right and be kind and understanding, but firm with your mum. Acknowledge how she is feeling but don’t be railroaded. Good luck!

MrsKyloRen · 16/04/2019 06:29

Oh, also all three have different names - I asked them to choose different names as I thought it would be too confusing if they all had the same!

HJWT · 16/04/2019 06:30

I think as long as mum and dad are happy with you being called name the her mum needs to STFU its not her decision to make! And all she will be doing is upsetting the GC when it gets older! Very very immature... my 3 DN's are being brought up by my DM and DF, there Nan and SGD, they don't see him as 'step' anything, they are children.

Mammyofasuperbaby · 16/04/2019 06:35

Both me and dh have step parents but only one of them was called grandad for Ds
This is only because he is the only one that was actually involved in our lives and absolutely adored ds. To him being grandad was the highest honour even though his dd hated it.
I'd maybe choose a different name than nanny, such as gran or nan ect but do not listen to anyone but DSD opinion on what you should be called

Wallywobbles · 16/04/2019 07:08

Long way granny and bonker. Granny horse. Etc

TroysMammy · 16/04/2019 07:19

How about Gan Gan like the Queen? That would probably really rile her Grin

ememem84 · 16/04/2019 07:19

Fil and mil divorced a few years ago. Fil met someone else shortly after and they now live together.

We refer to my mum as grandma, dad as grandad, Fil is also grandad, mil is nanni (with an i at her insistence) and fils gf is just her name. She’s said she isn’t a grandparent as they’re not married and won’t be referred to as one. Her choice.

We’d have been happy for her to be grandma or whatever she wanted. It may be that as ds gets older he starts referring to her as a grandma name. But we’ll correct if it’s absolutely not what she wants. Although it makes me feel wierd.

englishdictionary · 16/04/2019 07:19

Don't get too hung up on it. It doesn't matter what they call you. It's what you do for and with them and the time you spend with them that will mean the most.

PristineCondition · 16/04/2019 07:23

My kids have four nanny and three grandads (modern world right)

They dont find it confusing, its normal for them.
Mil is nanny with the cats(favorite nanny) but the other three are just nanny

Mooey89 · 16/04/2019 07:27

My son calls my DH’s parents Nana X and Jamba - Jamba because he was 2 when he met them and made it up himself😂.
I wouldn’t go Nanny - not because you’re step but because there are already 2 and it could be confusing -
Pick another ‘Grandmother’ name - Nana, Grandma, Granny, even nanny X

My friends mum is ‘Glam-ma’!!

Poppyfr33 · 16/04/2019 07:28

I am a grandparent on both sides, my step grand children call me by my name, They already had a grandma and nanny and I didn’t want to upset anyone. I was put out when youngest grandchild was born step grandma has chosen to be called nanny. I just suck it up.

Redken24 · 16/04/2019 07:32

My kid has three of each. All are papa and granny.
For eg will we go see granny and papa with the dogs today.
Will we go see papa cats today.
She understands so it's fine same as pp

patientzero · 16/04/2019 07:36

Due to complicated family stuff I had 8 grandparents growing up which included great grandparents. All were known as nan & grandad and it wasn’t confusing at all.

stucknoue · 16/04/2019 07:40

My DD's call the step grandparents by their name, but so do we and we never refer to them as nanna or grandad.

WoodyOak · 16/04/2019 07:40

My dad's partner is known by her name. She's not my parent so therefore not my child's grandparent. Perhaps you have a better relationship with your step daughter though. Plus, my mum would have been really upset if my child referred to her with a grandparent name and my mum's feelings are more important to me than my dad's partner's.

Beargrin · 16/04/2019 07:45

Slightly different for me because my mum is gay so she was never going to be the jealous ex but my DD calls her partner nanny (insert name). It doesn't take away from anyone else being nanny! Although, she does seem to be my DDs favourite 😂

Whoops75 · 16/04/2019 07:48

They use their name.

I think you should be gracious and say you are happy to be called by your name or a pet version of it eg,

Grandad and louise
Or
Grandad and Lou Lou