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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter having a baby

101 replies

FiremanKing · 16/04/2019 05:37

My oldest step daughter is having a baby.

My husband will be called Grandad and her mother will be Nanny and her husbands mother will also be called Nanny.

But my husbands ex wife has specifically mentioned to her daughter that I should not be addressed as Nanny or any other grandparent name (granny, gran, grandma etc).

My husband says this is nonsense and I can be Nanny too.

My step daughter and her husband think I should be called Nanny too but my step daughter has said her mother is going on and on about it and it’s causing a lot of tension.

The other Nanny to be, the mother of my step daughters husband has no problem with my being called Nanny.

I would love to be a third Nanny but I don’t want this to mar the arrival of the new baby.

What do other step grandparents call themselves?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 16/04/2019 07:50

Touching that DSD is happy for you to be Nanny too!
Unfortunately in some families, blended or not, competitive grandparenting kicks off even before Baby arrives.

catofaragon · 16/04/2019 07:55

I'm a step granny and I'm known as Nanny xxx (my name). I remember being anxious about this before first dgc was born but luckily my stepdaughter's mum didn't - as far as I know - have any issues with what I was called. Which I am very grateful for and on family occasions I'm always very mindful that she is the 'real' grandmother.

Hope it works out for you.

Dimsumlosesum · 16/04/2019 08:06

It's up to the mother of the child, not the immature pathetic grandmother of the child.

OKBobble · 16/04/2019 08:16

What dimsum says!

polkadotpixie · 16/04/2019 08:25

I had a step grandfather growing up and I always called him Grandad

My son also has a step grandfather and he is known as Grandad [name]

DSD's Mum will just have to suck it up if DSD decides you are to be called Nanny, it's really not her decision

balloonyellow · 16/04/2019 08:29

I personally like to stick to traditional family names as neither new partners are married so they’re technically not ‘step parents’ to me. But it’s up to your SD anyway, not her mum! It’s lovely that you want to be involved

Ratatatouille · 16/04/2019 08:47

We have very complicated families on both sides, and everyone is either grandad or grandma (including great grandparents). It’s not been confusing for the kids at all and they have A LOT of grandmas. They tend to call them “Grandma Jones/Smith” or whatever when we are talking about them, and then when we are actually with them it’s just “grandma”. Even at functions where several of the grandmas are present it’s never posed an issue at all. Works for us.

I think if you don’t want step parents to be given titles for whatever reason then that’s absolutely your choice. Every family is different and relationships are unique. We felt that to differentiate was unnecessary and would only be dragging a new generation into a bunch of politics that they shouldn’t have to concern themselves with. All the step parents had been on the scene for a very, very long time and their bonds were strong with us. We knew they would treat our DC the same as our actual parents would.

It’s your decision, not your DM’s.

Ratatatouille · 16/04/2019 08:48

It’s your decision, not your DM’s.

Or rather, your stepdaughter’s decision and not her mum’s! Need more coffee...

NorthernRunner · 16/04/2019 08:54

My dd is very lucky to have lots of grandparents due to DH parents remarrying (the more people to love my dd the better!) she calls them Nana, Granny, and Nanny Moira.
My dad passed away so she only has two grandads and they are called Grumps and Grandad Martin.
I never understand why people get so funny about this. I would have loved more grandparents, I only had two growing up, one of which had dementia for as long as I could remember. Grandparents are the best, they let you do everything the parents won’t

Farmerswifey12 · 16/04/2019 08:54

We had a similar situation and the compromise was the title then name. I.e. papa John. Whereas the others were just papa. To be honest over time the John got dropped, though this may have been encouraged by the gran

Anytime · 16/04/2019 08:58

My kids have multiple grandparents and call them all 'nanny/grandad x'. Really doesn't matter how many there are. Oldest is 6 and he is yet to ask why there are so many. He just accepts it and knows he's lucky to have so many lovely grandparents.

But...my mum never made a fuss. I told her my dad's partner (they aren't married but been together 15+ years) will be 'nanny x' as I don't want her feeling upset or left out. Much more tricky when one of the grandparents makes an issue out of it. I'd go with whatever your step daughter decides but be the best, most fun, most reliable grandparent they have. That's what matters and that is who they will want to spend time with!

mrsnec · 16/04/2019 09:19

My DC Call my mum and DSF Nanny and Grandad. All of Dsf's grandchildren and great grandchildren call my DM Nanny and use her first name too. Some of them have 5 'Nannys'

I don't really like that and think they should just use her first name. That's just me being silly though as it doesn't really matter.

My in laws live in another country and use the local words for nanny and grandad

HeckyPeck · 16/04/2019 09:32

It's up to the mother of the child, not the immature pathetic grandmother of the child.

Agreed. I’m glad neither of my parents would ever be this petty.

Original poster

FiremanKing · 16/04/2019 10:50

Thanks for the replies.

I didn’t make it clear that the actual grandmothers would be called Nanny Marie and Nanny Suzette (not their names).

So I would be Nanny MyName.

I’m going to speak to ‘Marie’ mybstepdaughters mother about it as we haven’t had any major problems in the past.

I also have adult children but no grandchildren and I’m wondering how I would feel about it.

Seems petty to fall out over something lovely which should be uniting us all.

OP posts:

needsleepzzz · 16/04/2019 10:54

My child has 3 grandads, my dad/FIL and my step-dad, a grandma and a nanna. My step mum chose not to refer to herself as anything, though i wouldn't mind at all if she did, neither would my mum/MIL.

Lllot5 · 16/04/2019 11:01

If I thought any of my grandchildren were calling my ex husband’s gf nanny or any variation of I would be fit to be tied.
I’m the grandmother not her.

HappyDinosaur · 16/04/2019 11:02

In the long run it really won't make too much difference, though I can see it would be nice and why you would prefer to be Nanny or similar. I have a 'Grandad who never married my Grandma and was never named Grandad, but called by his name. I've always seen him as a grandparent despite this, it's just a title.

Heyha · 16/04/2019 11:04

I had 'step grandparents' on one side as a kid and the second partners were both known by first name. I didn't like it all, felt wrong for them to not have a family title because they absolutely were. DP and I both have stepmums and we will be actively encouraging all four ladies to have a title. So it'll be 'let's go and see Grandad and Nanna Sarah' rather than 'grandad and Sarah'.
It's mainly, weirdly, because as I got older and started buying my own cards I hated getting plain birthday and Christmas cards for people who had had a lot of input in raising me, as the 'grandparent' ones would have been commented on.

RumerGodden · 16/04/2019 11:06

if SD is happy, leave her to sort it out. My kids' actual grandmothers chose their title - both mean grandmother....step grandmothers get called "granny x, Granny y, so same granny as at least one granny, but with their first name added. Same for grandfathers except for my stepfather who is such a good father to me/grandfather to the kids that he is just grandad....

Smoggle · 16/04/2019 11:08

Stay out of it and let your step daughter decide.

funinthesun19 · 16/04/2019 14:34

Her mum is being petty and childish. Does she not realise that plenty of children have more than one grandparent? What’s she threatened about?

My stepmum is is Nanna to my children. If my mum told me to not let her be known as that, I’d tell my mum to stop being ridiculous. Luckily my mum isn’t weird like that.

IggyAce · 16/04/2019 14:40

You may find that the child picks a name for you. My DM is Nanna and his GM was Nanna too however my dd began calling her Nanny and it stuck.

tried20names · 16/04/2019 14:44

Both my DM and MIL wanted to be Nanny and then my DS nicknamed them himself once he could talk. They are Nanny Glasses and Nanny Strawberry (she often brings strawberries for him) and the names stuck. I don't think it's a problem to have 3 Nanny's, the child will find their own way of identifying who is who

InfiniteSheldon · 16/04/2019 14:49

I'm a grandma, a step grandma and some of my grandchildren have a step grandma we are all grandma/nanny/nanny+name and have long since got over any silliness as a previous poster says children have their favourites whatever

Lost5stone · 16/04/2019 15:13

My DD has 4 nanny's. Shes nearly 3 but it doesnt confuse her. They have their own little names e.g nanny biscuit is the one who always gives her biscuits etc. So I wouldn't worry about that.

Ultimately it's your step daughters choice but I have always made my step parents, grandparents.

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