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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should I have the step-children while hubby goes on holiday?

97 replies

Shellyflower · 28/02/2019 08:58

AIBU?? I found out from my hubby’s best friend that he’d arranged to go on a golf holiday for 9 days in Florida with his mates and he’d not even talked about it with me.
He’s the main breadwinner and I said that whilst I couldn’t really say no (he’d already paid a deposit) that as long as I didn’t have to have the stepchildren and that we could afford it then I’d be ok with it.
My stepson is 3 and my stepdaughter is 7 and I have a daughter of 8. We have the stepkids every Wednesday overnight and Friday to Monday every other weekend. The holiday falls so that hubby is back on the Sunday afternoon of what should be our weekend. I just can’t physically be in 3 places at the same time for school pick up and drop off but I don’t think he’s thought about that.
I have the children when he’s golfing for 8 hours at weekends and tbh I’m looking forward to a bit of time off from the stepchildren. I feel guilty saying that and I’ve not admitted it to DH. I can’t afford a holiday away so the chances of me getting a break are nil. I just think I needed to get my thoughts out there and see what other people think!

OP posts:

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Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 10:38

Absolutely do not sort this for him! He needs to make arrangements for HIS children when he naffs off on his jolly (when was he going to tell you about it by the way?)

I’d play dumb, gosh you didn’t expect me to have them did you? He’s fucked up and he needs to sort it with the children’s mum. Who is equally entitled to be fucked off!

LIZS · 28/02/2019 10:44

Surely he can only go if he makes arrangements for his kids - be it asking you if you could manage, cancelling contact that week etc. Have you spoken to him about it and asked what his plans are. Presumably you have not been married long if youngest ss is only 3. Do not allow him to take you for granted. He should cancel golf on contact weekends and spend time with his dc, for example. Not just leave you to it.

AuntieCJ · 28/02/2019 10:47

Ask him if he's told the ex he isn't having the children and she'll have to.

needsleepzzz · 28/02/2019 10:49

Sorry OP i think he is extremely selfish, my husband loves cricket, but when it comes to his teams trips away he either doesn't go or would only go if me and our daughter went too, because he doesn't want to be away from her.
If you are ok with him going then no you should not have his children and he also owes you all a family holiday, a very nice one at that!

Holidayshopping · 28/02/2019 10:53

If he hadn’t married you, would he be able to

Play golf for 8 hours at the weekends?
Go on a 10 day holiday to Florida?

I rather think he wouldn’t. You are basically just childcare!

Did he do these things when he was with his ex? If so, I suspect that’s why he is her ex.

notapizzaeater · 28/02/2019 10:54

Wow, he's not a good dad or husband - what's he say when you ask him?

RainbowWaffles · 28/02/2019 11:00

There is not a chance I would look after step kids while their dad was on holiday and not for 8 hours at the weekend regularly. A one off golf day at a push, but definitely no more. His children, his contact time. He sounds like an asshole.

RiverTam · 28/02/2019 11:03

YANBU but I find it interesting that you refer to your stepchildren as the stepchildren. Suggests a degree of - not indifference but perhaps you don't see them as family, they are 'extra'?

I still think your DH is being an arse, but I just found that quite noticeable.

RhymingRabbit · 28/02/2019 11:04

I would be focussing less on whether or not you have the step-children and more on the fact that he didn't discuss this with you previously. As a married couple you don't get the same autonomy to make decisions without consultation - particularly where children are concerned. You have mentioned that you have an 8 year old - is your husband her dad?

Of course people who work hard can go on nice holidays with their friends and without their families - if it was every year and if it meant the family had to go without then it would be a different matter. The issue here is not about your husband going on the holiday - it is about his planning it without discussion and you having to find out from his friends and his disregard for what will happen to your time and to his ex wife's time and to his children's time while he was away. I think that behaviour is communication - and he is communicating to you that he has no respect for your opinions or needs.

TwitterQueen1 · 28/02/2019 11:05

If your stepson is only 3, how long have you been together? And how long living together? You should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship, where you want to spend precious time - and holidays - together.

I'm sorry but you do sound like a housekeeper / nanny with benefits...

ineedaholidaynow · 28/02/2019 11:09

In all honesty I wouldn't be impressed if my DH did this and there are no stepchildren in the equation, just our DS.

It would be the not telling me, the 8 hours playing golf every weekend and the impression that he controls the purse strings, so there is money for this jolly but not for a family holiday or for the OP to have a break.

MistressDeeCee · 28/02/2019 11:21

You have the kids for 8 hours at the weekends. So he's not even spending time with them on their weekends supposedly with him.

Why can't there Mum have them when he goes away on holiday?

He's well set up, isn't he? 2 women to take care of the kids so he doesn't have to bother himself.

I don't understand how men like this are an attraction in any form. Is it a trade off for him being a big money earner ie your place is skivvy as he brings in the paper?

I can't work out how this man is a brilliant step dad to your kids, when he's so obviously not a brilliant dad to his own the kids. Where/what is this brilliance?

I don't know what you can do now as he's already booked holiday, but good luck as nothing could convince me to even bother myself with an entitled man like this.

Magda72 · 28/02/2019 11:35

Oh @Shellyflower - I have to reiterate what everyone else says.
Sorry to be blunt but he is NOT a good dad or husband & tbh he sounds exactly like my exh who thinks he's dad of the year because he also has our kids wed nights & eow but his dw does virtually all of the hard slog to a point where my kids are now tackling him on it & saying they won't visit if he's not going to be there - not because they have any issue with their dsm but because they don't need or want get to parent them & they're sick of the whole dynamic.
Your dp can play golf the weekends his kids are with him surely?
This is narcissistic behaviour of the worst sort & I'd strongly urge you to research Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

ScarletBitch · 28/02/2019 13:03

So does he actually spend any time at all with his kids??? Your DH is a selfish twat.

Coronapop · 28/02/2019 13:12

He should have discussed with you before committing. Could you decide to take your DD to visit friends or relatives and so just not be available for the SDC's weekend visit? I'm puzzled as to why you have the SDCs while DH goes golfing when they visit at weekends, surely it is meant as time for them to spend with him?

Magda72 · 28/02/2019 13:17

@Coronapop - my exh regularly says to me on weekends he has the kids "I'll be away at a gig/match but no need to swap weekends as dw will be there"!!!!! There is a type of parent out there who just does not get that their spouse is not an extension of them! Again I'll mention Narcissistic Personality Disorder whereby a person sees all the other people in their lives as extensions of themselves.

reallyanotherone · 28/02/2019 13:19

but I’m a bit hormonal at the mo and keep feeling guilty for having negative feelings towards my husband

Women need to stop minimising their feeling by blaming hormones.

This is not your hormones. This is your husband behaving like a twat and you being upset about it.

You are upset because of your twatty husbands behaviour, not because your hormones are making you upset for perfectly reasonable behaviour.

Don’t blame your hormones. It is not you, it is not your fault.

Creatureofthenight · 28/02/2019 13:20

Who books a 9 DAY HOLIDAY without mentioning it to their wife? Sounds like you have bigger problems than who will look after the kids.

Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 13:31

I’d say oh how lovely, I’ve booked to do x,y,z with your 8 year old. It’s been ages since it’s just been the 2 of us! Watch the penny drop that he needs to sort out his kids himself. What a knob he is.

Holidayshopping · 28/02/2019 13:36

Has he actually told you about the holiday yet? Does he even know you know!?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/02/2019 13:37

Wow so he’s booked himself a golfing holiday in Florida without asking you first, or running it past his ex wife re childcare and already paid a deposit. The only reason you found out was through friends. Wow!! Just wow!! What an incredibly selfish man!

With regards to your step children, if you can’t logistically do it then no, yanbu to say no. Let’s hope his ex wife hasn’t arranged something which means she can still have the dc...

So OP, when do you get your short break abroad with your friends? I hear Mexico or Cuba are nice this time of year

AnotherEmma · 28/02/2019 13:49

"He's a good dad"

Hmmm, let's see. Within 3 years of the birth of his youngest child, he has split up with their mother, met another woman, married her and moved in with her and her child. He only sees his own children EOW and one weeknight, but he leaves them with their stepmum every Saturday so he can play fucking golf. And now he's going on holiday without them, without communicating with their mother or his own wife about arrangements for them while he's away. Meanwhile he doesn't seem to have booked a family holiday for them to go on with him?

Good dad my arse. Why do women set the bar so fucking low?!

What's in this for you OP, does he pay for a nice pretty house for you to live in, does he give you a nice generous allowance for looking after it and looking after his kids when they're visiting? Can't be that generous if you can't afford your own holiday.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 28/02/2019 13:59

Why do women set the bar so fucking low?!

I'll never understand, Emma, but every time I read 'he's a good dad' it's followed by statements that he, in fact, a cunt.

willywillywillywilly · 28/02/2019 13:59

Hell no YANBU

user1486915549 · 28/02/2019 14:07

Yet another unpaid nanny
It seems to be a MN speciality.

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