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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should I have the step-children while hubby goes on holiday?

97 replies

Shellyflower · 28/02/2019 08:58

AIBU?? I found out from my hubby’s best friend that he’d arranged to go on a golf holiday for 9 days in Florida with his mates and he’d not even talked about it with me.
He’s the main breadwinner and I said that whilst I couldn’t really say no (he’d already paid a deposit) that as long as I didn’t have to have the stepchildren and that we could afford it then I’d be ok with it.
My stepson is 3 and my stepdaughter is 7 and I have a daughter of 8. We have the stepkids every Wednesday overnight and Friday to Monday every other weekend. The holiday falls so that hubby is back on the Sunday afternoon of what should be our weekend. I just can’t physically be in 3 places at the same time for school pick up and drop off but I don’t think he’s thought about that.
I have the children when he’s golfing for 8 hours at weekends and tbh I’m looking forward to a bit of time off from the stepchildren. I feel guilty saying that and I’ve not admitted it to DH. I can’t afford a holiday away so the chances of me getting a break are nil. I just think I needed to get my thoughts out there and see what other people think!

OP posts:

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Djchickpea · 28/02/2019 21:00

To answer your question - no you shouldn't. They come to you to spend time with their dad. If he's not there they should be with their mum. He needs to sort it out and not expect you to look after HIS kids

swingofthings · 01/03/2019 05:16

If he's not there they should be with their mum
No they shouldn't. Their mum is no more an enabler to his fancy holiday than OP. It is his responsibility to sort out who will look after his kids when he is away and they are due to be with him.

This attitude that the responsibility of care falls back to mum by default if their nrp has other duties (or worse entertainment purposes) is really irritating especially when the opposite is considered totally acceptable. Should mum just dump her kids to their dad to be looked after all week when she is off to visit Vegas with her friends regardless of the dad's responsibility that week just be becauuse he is their dad? Of course not.

cleomummy · 01/03/2019 05:48

I am going against the grain here but I don't think your DH is unreasonable to be going on holiday with his friends. Just because he's married doesn't mean he should only ever go on holidays with his family for ever more. If he can afford it, why not? I wouldn't be annoyed at that. I think calling him a bastard is a bit harsh for booking a holiday.

BUT I would be IF it was at the expense of a family holiday or if he said no to you going on holiday with your friends.

But again he is BU for not discussing it with you first, checking you're ok with the idea and expecting you to have his dc. I would expect it to be HIS responsibility to sort out childcare.

AnotherEmma · 01/03/2019 07:10

Not exactly going against the grain to say the same things everyone else has said

timeisnotaline · 01/03/2019 07:17

Nothing you have said is good dad behaviour Op, or good husband behaviour for that matter. poor little 3yo.

sparklefarts · 01/03/2019 07:27

Jesus fuck no!

Why the he'll do people put up with this kind of crap?!?!

The fact that he can Swan off to Florida without even telling you but you don't think you can afford a holiday for yourself and it's fine is COMPLETELY FUCKED UP

CostanzaG · 01/03/2019 07:32

You are married to a very selfish man. He's not a good husband or a good dad.

Parky04 · 01/03/2019 07:37

He sounds so selfish. I love cricket but when I had DC I gave it up as it takes all day to play. Now the DC have grown up i have now started playing again (on a Sunday when the DW works). When his DC are with him he should not be playing golf! A

Teaandcrisps · 01/03/2019 07:50

Matter of fact question for you OH - what have you arranged for DSs and DSd whilst you are on holiday?
Followed by 'no I'm not able to do that - you need to arrange something else.'

Ruru8thestars · 01/03/2019 07:51

He sounds awful. I’d go on holiday myself so as not to be stuck with childcare

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 01/03/2019 07:55

OP won't be back. Such a quick turnround between his son's birth and their marriage, makes you wonder. At any rate, he knows how to pick 'em - got a free 24/7 nanny with sex and housekeeping on tap.

poppingoff · 01/03/2019 11:52

@swingofthings I don't think that's really what @Djchickpea meant?

The OP's husband should have checked with the mum first if they could do some kind of swap so she could have the kids, before he booked up, is what I think she meant. If the mum can't facilitate a swap, then he has to cancel or make other arrangements.

I would be livid if my ex arranged a holiday like that and just left my DS with his SM. That's their contact time and sends a horrible message to the kids.

I've had it out with my ex before about taking regular, but extra shifts at work on his nights with DS and just leaving him with SM instead, as in DS own words, what's the point in him going if dad isn't there?

poppingoff · 01/03/2019 11:55

Sorry to confirm, IMO he should just forego the holiday if mum can't accommodate a swap.

Djchickpea · 01/03/2019 13:05

Totally agree @poppingoff. I'm a stepmum and share care of my daughter with my ex husband. He used to go off on weekends away when it was his turn to have our daughter and just expect his partner to look after our toddler. I didn't know any of this until she got old enough to tell me. Either swap a weekend with the other parent, arrange it for a time when the other parent has care, or you don't go!

stealthmode · 01/03/2019 13:16

I think this is an interesting thread and at a higher level makes me wonder what sort of conversations happened around lifestyle/ money before you got married.

My DP and I are both relatively strong earners but I am in a much stronger position financially post divorce, in the main because my exH and I avoided courts and settled our divorce quickly and relatively cheaply. Whereas my DP had a very high conflict/ drawn out divorce.

For that reason, I can afford nicer holidays. For myself and my DC. Bluntly speaking, do I plan to extend my money into providing the same level of holidays for my DP and his DC? No.
Do I intend to compromise the trips I take with my DC because of this. To some extent, of course, but otherwise, no. Does this make me a selfish partner? Possibly yes, but I’m also in the situation that my funds are finite so I have to make choices. But these are the sorts of conversations I would have in full, with my DP if we ever considered marriage.

I went on a very nice luxury holiday a few months ago, without my DP (my DC were due to go away with my exH) and my DP hasn’t been on one. I don’t think I should be vilified for that choice and I’d make that choice again. Do I view it as my role to pay for my DP? No. Would I if I was married? Not necessarily no.

So I think two things are being confused here. And terms like financial abuse are actually very strong and potentially misguided. It’s not financial abuse to provide for a partner but to use your own money for something for you. And if money wasn’t discussed by the OP and her DH up front then I think it needs to be discussed now.

The rest? Booking it and not telling you? And not thinking about his kids? Wrong. Playing golf all day on a weekend he has his kids? Again, imo, wrong. Completely misplaced priorities and shows to someone completely self involved.

Let him sort his kids. They’re not your job to look after when he has chosen to go away on a jolly.

poppingoff · 01/03/2019 13:27

I know from my ex's point of view, he was viewing it as his contact nights were my nights "off", so he didn't think it fair to ask me to keep DS while he worked if SM was around anyway. But I think there was also an element of it meaning his nights "off" were still his to do as he wanted, as he didn't have to work instead on what would usually be child free night. He could basically come and go as he pleased all week. Having his cake and eating it. But from my point of view, I didn't want DS thinking "oh dads working again, but I'll have to go there anyway because mum wants a night off". To him, that's just like telling him neither parent can be arsed to look after him.

Arowana · 01/03/2019 13:33

I don't think the mum should have to pick up the slack either - I think that the contact weekend should be swapped for another time, not just cancelled. I assume that's what most posters are thinking when they say the OP shouldn't have to have her step kids.

GlossyTaco · 01/03/2019 13:35

Yep , he's a total pisstaker op.

Time to put your foot down.

Hazlenutpie · 01/03/2019 13:39

Yours have grown up, yet he expects you to spend 8-hour days at your weekends looking after his kids so he can play golf? This on its own is bad enough but booking a holiday just for himself and without any discussion beggars belief.

stealthmode · 01/03/2019 15:05

Why do people think the OP has grown up DC? In her OP she says her daughter is 8....

AnotherEmma · 01/03/2019 15:15

"I have 2 older children who have flown the nest"

Yesterday 09.13

stealthmode · 01/03/2019 15:39

Thanking you. Missed that one. I think we’ve lost the OP.

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