My 18 year old headbutted my OH and he chucked him out

[Spudsey]

My 18 year old son was sick in his sleep all over the bedroom floor, after drinking excessively. My OH asked him to clear it up, the situation escalated and my son headbutted him. My other half then told him to leave the house. I was in work when all this happened.
My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise. My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough. I’m stuck in the middle. My partner and I are hardly speaking.

That was disgraceful behaviour from your son. He had better be very contrite and properly apologetic.

I know a family member who is like this when drunk (a regular occurrence) and I would not want them in my house regularly. I can't blame your OH for his stance here. He could well be in a lot of pain too, if injured.

I get that this is a very difficult situation for you, but your son needs to learn a lesson here - that abusive behaviour will not be tolerated. He is lucky not to have been reported to the police.

There really is no ‘back story’ that would excuse a head butt I’m afraid.

He’s a grown man that drank too much, puked and assaulted your dp.

It sort of depends. If it was a verbal altercation and out of nowhere your DS gave a proper headbutt in the face, he may never be able to come home. If they were tussling with him still drunk and he gave a half hearted push with his head, then he needs to begin with a very serious apology. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t think so.

I don't know why you are stuck in the middle OP.

Do you not agree with your OH that your ds needs to apologise?

I'm with your oh on this, bloody hell he's lucky your dp didn't press charges.
Your ds needs to grow up and clean up after himself, disgusting person.
What's the problem your ds needs to make a good apology, and be thankful your dp would have him back again.

and of course he needs a proper apology, no argument there, you need to back up your partner in this scenario op, but where are you?

So who did clean up the puke?

I would be disgusted with my son if he did either the puking or the headbutting.

I agree the pp though if it was a half hearted push that is quite different to a deliberate as hard as possible head butt.

Do they usually get on OK?

I wonder what the apologists on this thread would be saying if the title read: “my DSS head butted me and dp is angry that I chucked him out.”

Would you be saying “if he was drunk when he did it he should be forgiven”? Or “it’s his home, you had no right to react that way?” Or “I assume you escalated the situation to that point,”? Yeah, I’m sure the responses would be just like that if the sexes were reversed. Not.

The son in this instance is an eighteen year old adult. The only thing the OP should be upset about is the fact that she’s raised a violent thug, and she should be asking herself how she could have prevented it from getting this far. He’s her baby after all...

And where do the apologists think the line should be drawn and alcohol is an excusing factor? If a man rapes a woman when he’s drunk should he be forgiven because he’s drunk? And if not, why not?

Violence is never ok. And in the event alcohol makes you a violent person then you give up alcohol. It really is that simple.

I think this may be a other one of those 'plop and run' threads where the OP doesn't bother to check in. I always wonder why they don't wait until they actually have the time to engage with posters on before they start the thread.

imo, he is 18, he is the op's ds, he was out of control drunk

Oh ffs. Presumably he made the decision to get out of control drunk. Or are you going to suggest that someone held the poor lamb down and forced drink down his throat. Honestly, the fucking apologists on this site make me sick.

I’m stuck in the middle.

No you're not.

What your son did was utterly disgusting and he needs to provide a suitable grovelling apology to your OH before he lives with you again at the very least.

I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary, 18 is not a ‘grown man’. I get sick of seeing this statement on mumsnet, as if they turn 18 and suddenly they’ve got it all sussed. Many don’t.

Anyway OP, what’s the There are so many possible variables here that it’s impossible to make a clean judgement. How is the relationship between your son and husband overall? How did your dh approach it...have there been underlying resentments building up...has your son been hard work recently as 18 yr olds often are...was your dh aggressive to begin with?? What happened?

Sorry...what’s the background?

Ugh. Your son sounds appealing. That’s all

My parents would have killed me if I behaved like that

I spent many a Saturday morning scrubbing floors and hosing out bins

Side with your OH on this one. Your DS behaviour is unacceptable.

But if he’s old enough to buy alcohol then he’s old enough to be responsible for the consequences of drinking said alcohol.

In the eyes of the law he is an adult. And while he still might be finding his alcohol threshold he is still responsible for the actions he takes while under the influence of that alcohol.

Who owns the house? Are you married?

You and your partner are hardly talking. Ok. You as the proper adults need to create a united front, surely? Otherwise your ds will just do it again.

If your behaviour is anything other than disgust, you are enabling and encouraging your ds not to face up to his responsibilities. Your thread really sounds like a by having a “poor ds” act. Not surprised your dp is hardly talking to you.

Darn right your dp wants a decent apology. Big deal. He should lick your dps feet if that is the price to pay. Your son very lucky not to be in trouble with the police. Bless his cottons.

HoraceCope
Would it have been ok if it was his stepmother or a child? What about a disabled person?

KateAdie
Your df sounded manipulative and nasty. This is a one off.... hopefully as long as the boy can control himself in future.

I can see you are stuck between them both.

But, headbutting is something pretty horrific and not a normal teenage reaction to something, whether drunk or not.

I'd be very seriously worried about your DS, never mind the situation with your DP.

“The only thing the OP should be upset about is the fact that she’s raised a violent thug, and she should be asking herself how she could have prevented it from getting this far.”

How judgemental and sanctimonious is that? You don’t know the OP or how she has raised her son! She’s not responsible for his actions ffs...what is that shit?

pictish
I totally agree 18 isn’t a proper adult. More like mid 20’s when our brain is fully grown. Only half the cerebral cortex is developed at 18.

I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary, 18 is not a ‘grown man’.

Grown up enough to know that assaulting someone is wrong though. And with a hard enough head to hurt someone by head butting them. But carry on trying to find reasons to excuse a drunken, violent thug.

Just re read my post - post op pain levels high but I think the gist is clear.