My 18 year old headbutted my OH and he chucked him out

[Spudsey]

My 18 year old son was sick in his sleep all over the bedroom floor, after drinking excessively. My OH asked him to clear it up, the situation escalated and my son headbutted him. My other half then told him to leave the house. I was in work when all this happened.
My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise. My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough. I’m stuck in the middle. My partner and I are hardly speaking.

[user1471600850]

Wisely said Sophia - this is RL and you are right she needs support not judgment!

[Fairenuff]

OP is saying that she is in a difficult position because her ds wants to apologise and her OH says he will accept an apology.

What's the problem here?

[Sleephead1]

obviously your son was in the wrong but all the people saying chuck him our ECT we have no idea what happened or what the partner did. If your son was very drunk and was sick and then got woken up by your partner he may have been very confused and not understood what was going on ( obviously that doesn't excuse violence in any way ) I think it's very easy to say oh ring the police , kick him out ECT when it's someone else's child not your own obviously all parents would be devastated by this but if it's totally out of character for your son I totally understand why you are torn and feel stuck in the middle

[PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin]

My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise.

He should be more than willing to apologise. He should be actively grovelling!

My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough.

Perfectly reasonable of him. In fact, I’d say that’s rather generous of him under the circumstances.

I’m stuck in the middle. My partner and I are hardly speaking.

Why are you in the middle? Two adults have had an argument. One attacked the other one and was then asked to leave. The attacker wants to apologise to the victim and the victim wants a good enough apology. They are adults so should be able to work this out themselves.

I’d be mortified if my son headbutted anyone. I can’t understand why you are falling out with your partner over this. Your son needs to realise it is not acceptable to get so drunk you vomit in your sleep (that could have killed him) and he should have automatically started cleaning up after himself anyway. Instead he headbutted someone. Is he always violent like this?

[SophiaLovesSummer]

Accidentally hit post

3: Headbutting is vile, vicious, and one of the more extreme uses of physical violence. At best it's a caution for assault but if injury caused would likely be ABH tho impossible to know without further details and at worst it could be manslaughter as headbutts can lead to someone going down and smacking their head. It can be that simple - one punch or one headbutt can result in death and then a manslaughter charge.

4: I honestly appreciate you are in a very shitty position and that's it hard but when you strip it down the view of your position becomes easier:

• At 18 he is criminally responsible as an adult;
• You enabling him will not help him in any way - he needs both accountability and help;

5: An act of such sheer violence as headbutting rarely comes out of the blue, does he have a record and maybe already on a caution and that's why you/OH have not reported him to police?

6: The likelihood of him re-offending again is very, very high; can you see that - IE can you see headbutting is not some minor issue but a huge red flag? If you can grasp that simple fact then you'll see that reporting him now will likely help him in the long term. No consequences or intervention now will, unequivocally, not 'help' him.

7: What are OH's injuries?

8: Are there other minors in the house?

9: What's the context of this? There must be a background/backstory if he's getting paralytic at 18 and headbutting someone (& no, it makes zip difference that he and OH are both males and he's the younger of them; this is DV and, at risk of repeating myself, he will re-offend without consequences and interventions).

10: How would/will you feel when he does that to a GF or a random member of public? As that response is the same one - no matter how hard it is for you or how much you love him - that should be applied now.

Please report him, for his own sake as much if not more than anyone else's TBH.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

MartaHallard

Even if the sf went into the room to check on him or get him up for school then there was no need to even comment on the vomit.
I don’t get why the sf woke him up to get him to clear it.
I know dc leave there room with mouldy food and mounds of clothes and model the interior out of an episode of extreme hoarders but I just close the door. When it gets too much they blitz it on their own but it is not any of my business.

Might I suggest that the sf was just throwing his weight around whilst the mother was out

[iklboo]

Unless the SF was violent first it's STILL no excuse for the OP's son to headbutt him. Maybe you're fine with your children's rooms being lakes of vomit but most people aren't.

[Kione]

"Even if the sf went into the room to check on him or get him up for school then there was no need to even comment on the vomit."

That is your way of parenting. I would totally comment on it, it is a house we all share and they have to look after it.

"When it gets too much they blitz it on their own but it is not any of my business."

Totally disagree, I think guiding my kids to keep their environment tidy is very much my business and job.

"I know dc leave there room with mouldy food and mounds of clothes and model the interior out of an episode of extreme hoarders but I just close the door."

I could not live like that, it is unhigyenic and you should check your house for pests!

[HerondaleDucks]

Please can I just reiterate how much it hurts to get headbutt but also add that it can disorientate you so you might react in a different way to how you might if it didn't feel like your head was split in two.
There is a difference between an accidental headbutt and one that's done on purpose. I've had both.

@SophiaLovesSummer gives very good advice here and I can back up some of these things as I work in Youth Offending.
18 is an adult in the eyes of the law and leniency is given more to people who have committed an offence under 18 and been sentenced at 18. Please support your partner and address this behaviour. Your ds could get into serious trouble if he did this to someone else and especially if it caused actual bodily harm.

[Fairenuff]

Might I suggest that the sf was just throwing his weight around whilst the mother was out

You might suggest it but you would be making stuff up because it's what you want to believe.

I get that people are so shocked at this that they are looking for reasons for the assault.

It's such extreme behaviour that we all know there is much more to this incident than OP has posted. However, it helps no-one to just make things up, least of all OP.

For example, I could suggest that the 18 year old has been off the rails since he was 14, has been into drugs, is not education, has no job, expects his mother to clean up after him and swears at his younger siblings and has already been in trouble with police. I could suggest that the SF is a mild mannered man that loves his wife and children but is being regularly undermined by his wife who repeatedly excuses her son's unsocial behaviour.

But that would be making stuff up too.

[Aridane]

Absent a sincere and real apology, kick the little shit to the kerb

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Even if the sf went into the room to check on him or get him up for school then there was no need to even comment on the vomit. I don’t get why the sf woke him up to get him to clear it.

Really? So you would be totally ok if there was a pool of vomit on your child’s bedroom floor, over their bedding etc.? You would say nothing and leave it to fester? Because it’s none of your business? How very lovely your home must be. Perhaps OP’s DP doesn’t appreciate the home he probably co-pays for being left trashed and filthy by some disrespectful brat.

[SophiaLovesSummer]

Meant to ask: when you say situation 'escalated', what does that mean? They had a verbal row and DS headbutted OH? Or OH initiated violence and DS responded in kind? Not that that detracts from the broader points I made above but it is relevant in terms of your position.

IE Whilst I absolutely would report anyone - yes, even my own child (for their own future protection apart from/as well as anything else) - for headbutting it is directly relevant to your own postion iyswim? If OH initiated violence he'd be out ASAP and I'd focus on helping my boy with the patent tough love he very clearly needs. He sounds like an angry young man and you need to understand why that is (as does he) - if he's been assaulted himself by OH then that patently is wrong and needs to never happen again.

Apols can't offer more advice or insight without knowing both context and background. Utterly feel for you but you have to do the right thing for your son (& yes, that includes prioritising him over your relationship if your OH is in any way involved in whatever is going on for your, clearly very troubled right now, son).

[Grumpelstilskin]

Am shocked about the downplaying of what is an extremely violent incident. The excuses are a bit unreal. At 18, OP’s son is old enough to understand the consequences of a vicious attack. It is also a big difference to having a messy teenage bedroom and leaving the son to it, then sick everywhere that will stink out the entire house!

As for a ‘petit’ lil woman up on assault charge, so now we can excuse domestic violence due to the assailant being goaded into it…? The level of hypocrisy in this thread is astounding! While female on male domestic violence is less prevalent, it is nonetheless just as wrong. I know of at least one supposedly much smaller woman who regularly attacked her much larger DP that culminated in life threatening knife wounds. Plenty of women, at least in theory, probably could fight back against their male attackers, some aren’t physically that much weaker but this isn’t an excuse for the violence and simply does not reflect the state of mind a victim of domestic violence is in who often suffered from a campaign of terror preceding the physical abuse.

[PrismGuile]

Is your son an alcoholic?

[Jux]

Perhaps the vomit was stinking the house out?

If SF lives there, then I think under thosse circumstances he's perfetly entitle to go into ds' room, anyway, for all sorts of reasons like thementioned in many many psts already.

If the smell was bad then sf needed to find the source and havi done so, was imo quite reasonable in waking ds and telling him to clear it up.

I'd bemuch more concerned that ds reacted violently rather than hameacedly and apologetically.

OP, you're not really caught between the two, unless you think your son's behaviour was defensible in some way.

[pallisers]

Even if the sf went into the room to check on him or get him up for school then there was no need to even comment on the vomit. I don’t get why the sf woke him up to get him to clear it. I know dc leave there room with mouldy food and mounds of clothes and model the interior out of an episode of extreme hoarders but I just close the door.

So your children are actually taught by their parent that it is ok to live in filth. amazing. You should probably keep an eye out for vermin though.

[Smallhorse]

“He is YOUR son.
Your dp has no right to make those kinds of decisions.

If op had posted to say her dp's drunken adult son had headbutted her and she did not want the son back in her home, would you say "he is HIS son. You have no right to make those kinds of decisions."? I seriously doubt it.”

YES I WOULD SAY THAT . I f my dp was involved in an altercation with my DP I would want to hear both sides of the story. And I would get to decide what the consequences were for my son.

[Redglitter]

assuming he was very drunk when he headbutted your partner, he should be forgiven

Are you for real???

So being drunk is basically a get out of jail free card. Do we extend that way of thinking to everyone whos drunk?.

You battered/killed your partner - its ok you were drunk youre forgiven

You got in a fight and stabbed someone - no problem you were drunk youre forgiven

[explodingkitten]

I don't think that an apology is enough, if I was your DH I'd need to hear what he is going to do to prevent this from ever happening again plus a suitable cleaning compromise to make it right (as in, from now on he cleans the toilet everyday).

[OnTheHop]

"Willing to apologise"???

Why has he not apologised yet?

He needs to apologise wholeheartedly whether or not he comes back home.

I would not want my 18 yo chucked out but he would be read the riot act and given a very strict set of T&C for returning.

And he needs to understand that where violence and sex are concerned, 'I was drunk' is not an excuse, not a justification.

[pictish]

Well said Sophia.

[OnTheHop]

"So being drunk is basically a get out of jail free card. Do we extend that way of thinking to everyone whos drunk?.

You battered/killed your partner - its ok you were drunk youre forgiven

You got in a fight and stabbed someone - no problem you were drunk youre forgiven"

And

"You had sex with someone who didn't consent....yay! You were drunk."

Your Ds needs you here, OP, this is a growing up moment, good and proper, and he needs you to show him what it is and him to show that that he has taken it on board.

[PerspicaciaTick]

What is the issue exactly? DS is prepared to apologise. DP is ready to accept a full apology. It is up to DS to make sure his apology is truly heartfelt, personally I think it should include paying for the carpet etc to be professionally cleaned.
I would also make DS's return home dependent on DS seeking help for his problem drinking and anger issues. Maybe a 3 month probation or he is permanently out, with instant eviction if he is violent again.