My 18 year old headbutted my OH and he chucked him out

[Spudsey]

My 18 year old son was sick in his sleep all over the bedroom floor, after drinking excessively. My OH asked him to clear it up, the situation escalated and my son headbutted him. My other half then told him to leave the house. I was in work when all this happened.
My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise. My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough. I’m stuck in the middle. My partner and I are hardly speaking.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

When it gets too much they blitz it on their own but it is not any of my business."

Totally disagree, I think guiding my kids to keep their environment tidy is very much my business and job

You can’t have it both ways.
They are either children so I clean up after them or adults in which case it is their responsibility.

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

I know dc leave there room with mouldy food and mounds of clothes and model the interior out of an episode of extreme hoarders but I just close the door. When it gets too much they blitz it on their own but it is not any of my business.

I remember some people who lived like that when we were students.
They got a rat infestation :)

[WhiteCat1704]

I'm on your OH side and don't understand why you are not. Actually if my 18year old SC(or any adult really) assaulted me I would have called the police.

[Smallhorse]

We don’t know the details.

We don’t know what “escalated” involved.

[HoraceCope]

you have to do the right thing for your son (& yes, that includes prioritising him over your relationship if your OH is in any way involved in whatever is going on for your, clearly very troubled right now, son).

different perspective here for you op.

[Smallhorse]

My main thought is there is NO circumstance under which my DP would be allowed to turf MY son out

[HerondaleDucks]

My main thought is there is NO circumstance under which my DP would be allowed to turf MY son out

But it's ok for your son to assault your partner? Because it is at the very least common assault here.

[TheInnerVoice]

The victim blaming and excusing of violence on this thread is absolutely disgraceful. Is it any wonder that so many victims of domestic violence find it impossible to admit to what they’ve been through for fear of not being believed/asked what they did to provoke it?

Yes, we can all admit that when you are first finding your alcohol threshold you might do some pretty stupid things, going home and vomiting everywhere being one of them, and that getting that drunk and behaving erratically does not necessarily equate to having a drink problem but it does equate to needing to curb one’s drinking if this culminates in becoming violent/aggressive for any reason.

We can also allow for the fact that the lad here is eighteen and is therefore probably in that early drinking phase. There are plenty of mn’ers who still go out and get wasted on occasions and they’re adults with mortgages and families of their own.

However, the line must absolutely be drawn at violence. Violence is never ever acceptable. No excusing it, no forgiving it because of being intoxicated, and certainly no making up reasons and excuses to turn the victim into the one who must have provoked it because that’s what suits the agenda.

The only response to violence is consequence. This is presumably the partner’s home too, and mature or not mature, the eighteen year old is legally an adult who, if he wants to engage in adult activities such as going out drinking, is capable of bearing adult consequences such as being thrown out when he assaults a member of his household. If he’d been living in a house share and done the same to a flat mate he would have been thrown out, whose home it is has no bearing on the consequences he should face. He doesn’t get let off because this is his mother’s house. His mother should be mortified that her son has assaulted another human being, regardless of who that human being is.

People downplaying this now, if this was the girlfriend who told him to clear up his vomit and they were living together, would you be blaming her? And seriously, if not, why not? When you consider that you’ve laid blame at the door of the partner for the assault he has had inflicted on him?

[WhiteCat1704]

My main thought is there is NO circumstance under which my DP would be allowed to turf MY son out

Frankly in those circumstances your DP shouldn't even have to. You should be parent enough to deal with YOUR sons behaviour and if he is assaulting people in your home and you let him you shouldn't have a partner.

[HomoHeinekenensis]

Hear hear. A fucktonne of victim blaming going on on this thread. The world is going to ratshit and this sort of thinking is part of it.
As the parent of this 'adult' you need to go absolutely ballustic at this behaviour or no one in this family will benefit from any lesson here at all ever.

[Fairenuff]

They are either children so I clean up after them or adults in which case it is their responsibility

My children cleaned up after themselves from the age of about 5. They put their toys away and brought their laundry down for the wash.

From about 7 they would help with the laundry, sort washing, pair socks, that sort of thing and put their own clothes back in their drawers. They would clean surfaces and skirting boards with a cloth and they would hoover.

From about 9 with supervision they would learn to iron and make a cup of tea, wash & chop vegetables and cook simple meals. They could clean the car and mow the lawn.

Children are more capable that you think and you should teach them how to look after themselves in an age appropriate way and give them credit for it.

[Lweji]

My main thought is there is NO circumstance under which my DP would be allowed to turf MY son out

None at all? What if he beat you up?

[Lweji]

TBH, if my son came crying to me because he had been kicked out of home for headbutting my partner, I'd have told him off in no uncertain terms.
It would be my son I'd hardly speak with.

[HoraceCope]

I am so sorry for your situation op.
I hope things are being worked out

[steppemum]

blimey, the son has vomited.
presumably the house stinks
The sf goes into his room, either to check the son is still alive, and hasn't chocked on the vomit, or to get him up and make him clear it up.

Those who are saying the sf is out of order, just ridiculous, it is his home, someone has thrown up allover it, of course he can take action. Of course he can ask the son to clean it up. The longer it sits there the worse the smell/stain etc.

As for those who think it is non of their business if there is vomit all over the floor/bed and that is just for the son to deal with, butt out, well, I would hate to be in your house.
Of course it is reasonable for one person in a house to say - eww that's revolting, please deal with it. We are humans sharing house, not students living in their own pits (and even then the other students can quite reasonably complain)

Yes they are adults, but adults sharing a spce with other people, and there are socially acceptble boundaries, vomit stinking the house out crosses the boundary!

[icannotremember]

“He is YOUR son.
Your dp has no right to make those kinds of decisions."

If op had posted to say her dp's drunken adult son had headbutted her and she did not want the son back in her home, would you say "he is HIS son. You have no right to make those kinds of decisions."? I seriously doubt it.”

YES I WOULD SAY THAT . I f my dp was involved in an altercation with my DP I would want to hear both sides of the story. And I would get to decide what the consequences were for my son.

Not if the person your son assaulted phoned the police, you wouldn't.

I am genuinely appalled by your thinking. You are honestly telling me that if op had posted to say that she was headbutted by her partner's drunken adult son and that she was not prepared to have him in her home unless he made a profuse apology, you would think she was unreasonable and it should all be up to her partner what happened? Her partner was not the one who was assaulted, why the hell should what they want matter more than what the person who was headbutted wants?

[Aquilla]

Was your DH being a bit of an arse about it though? I'd be pissed off too if I had someone shouting at me through my drunken haze to clean up my vom...
He's 18 - cut him some slack. Would your DH have reacted like that if it was his own child?

[Lweji]

Unless the OP works night shifts, she or he was already at work when this happened, so likely to be mid morning or later.

[wireswireswires]

I only have one ds and I can be very precious first born about him but I absolutely would come down so hard on this and back my dh.

Op won't be doing her son any favours for his future life not to make him see how serious this is.

18 is not too old to still be somewhat response for guiding and teaching them how to function in this society and make them good humans.

As I've said though, I do really sympathise with op.

[Applesaregreenandred]

@user1471600850 totally agree with you.

Some times I think people post giving advice with their only experience of the world from a text book and certainly with no experience of teenagers , particularly the dynamic of teen boys.

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't come back. This is her life, discord between what is probably the 2 people she lives the most and yet people cannot even understand why she would be feeling conflicted.

Life is not black and white. Not in my experience. If people's lives are such that they can give such easy judgements they are very lucky but perhaps they should just hold back and consider that for a lot of people that isn't the case.

[limpbizkit]

He's 18. He's young. Headbutting isn't acceptable. Of course your DP needs an apology. To sleep it off at a friend's house for a night and come back with his tail between his legs and apologise I would say was enough. As a mother I'm afraid I wouldn't see my son out of my home over it. Most 18year old (myself included at thar age) do or did far worse than a bit of vomming after a drunken session. If it was my son (or a step son) I'd have probably said something along the lines of 'good night? Here's a cuppa. When I come back in half hour I want to see the sick off of that carpet. Right?' I'm guessing your DP went a bit nutty at him. Perhaps I'm too relaxed but I don't think getting wasted and being sick is that catastrophic for an 18year old. So long as he shows remorse and cleans up. Once again I'm not excusing the headbutt. He needs a proper ticking off from you about that one. Let him bsck in after a night and talk through some ground rules.

[wireswireswires]

Yes the vomit wouldn't make me so mad to be honest. My dear Dad cleaned up my barf once. I didn't headbutt him though.

[MartaHallard]

Was your DH being a bit of an arse about it though? I'd be pissed off too if I had someone shouting at me through my drunken haze to clean up my vom...

Yet when a woman posts that her husband has come home drunk and puked and is now sleeping it off, nine out of ten responses will say 'send the kids in to wake him up - make him get up and clean the bathroom.'

[KateAdiesEarrings]

^Perhaps the OH didn't call the police because he was involved in 'escalating the situation' to a physical altercation?
This sounds like a domestic violence apologist^

No it sounds like someone who had a dad who threatened to throw his DCs out of the house arbitrarily without discussing it with his wife, who was emotionally and physically abusive and who regularly provoked and was physically violent. So, actually the opposite of a DV apologist.