My 18 year old headbutted my OH and he chucked him out

[Spudsey]

My 18 year old son was sick in his sleep all over the bedroom floor, after drinking excessively. My OH asked him to clear it up, the situation escalated and my son headbutted him. My other half then told him to leave the house. I was in work when all this happened.
My son knows he was out of order and is willing to apologise. My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough. I’m stuck in the middle. My partner and I are hardly speaking.

[Juells]

Smallhorse
He is YOUR son.
Your dp has no right to make those kinds of decisions.

If her partner's son had headbutted her, what would you say? How is the situation different?

[wireswireswires]

It. Is. Never. Ok. To. Act. With. Violence. Towards. Another. Person.

Ever.

Some people are angry drunks. They are the people that just shouldn't drink.

[Springwalk]

Despite the guidelines produced here. In my experience all adults over the age of eighteen go to an adult prison.
Anyone under 18 goes to a youth court and then possibly detained in a prison for young people. It is a softer version of the real thing and offers more support, better care etc.

In this case custody would be a possibility to an adult prison, most likely to be suspended if it is a first offence or a community order.

Head butting is considered to be a serious assault.

[StepMuggins]

From a step-parents perspective;

I’d be devastated if my DSS was to headbutt me and my partner then didn’t talk to me because I dared be upset.

[Lweji]

As the mother, I'd be insisting my son apologised profusely to OH.

As the partner of someone whose 18 year old had physically attacked me, I'd leave if she stopped talking to me for having kicked the attacker out of the house after a refusal to apologise.

[TheInnerVoice]

Is it not the case that abusers can and will goad someone into violence to put them in the wrong? I know a very petite, normally gentle woman who is currently up on an assault charge because her very, very manipulative exH goaded her into assaulting him..

Mmm, I think I’ll go and suggest that one on the relationships board to to those going through domestic violence and suggest that they’re goading their abusive partners...... no didn’t think so.

And maybe the gentle woman is in fact just an abuser....

Seriously the double standards here are astounding.

[Fairenuff]

OP has given absolutely nothing to go on other than an attack on her OH by her son.

That's it. Nothing else.

So based on that some posters are suggesting that we excuse it because the 'child' is only 18 or that he was drunk or that he may have been provoked.

If the attack had been on the OP instead of her OH the responses would have been unanimous and there would have been calls for OP to call the police etc.

But domestic violence against a man is being excused. We know nothing of this man. He could have been at his wits end with this 'child'. He could have had younger children in the house at the time.

We know nothing so based on what OP has given us I think it's shocking that people are so fast to jump to the attacker's defence.

[Lweji]

From the OP it doesn't seem as the 18 year old was still drunk. More likely hungover.

[Applesaregreenandred]

@Spudsey I can understand why you would feel caught in the middle. I really do. He is your son and despite his poor behaviour in this instance, he's still your son and you love him.

I also think we need to know a little bit more about how the incident occurred, why even was your OH in your DS's room? Do they generally get along? How long have you been together? Do you and your DP jointly own the home?

I hope that your DS is seriously contrite and that you can all find away forward.

[EyeOfTheTigger]

Good for your OH. My husband's cousin got punched by his 18yo "D"SS (when he didn't get his own way about something) and the cousin fell and hit his head and died. One punch! I think providing a profuse apology is the least your son should be doing.

[LovingLola]

No other posts from the OP...

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Can I ask what the SF was doing in 18year old sons room to see that he had vomitted in his sleep.
And how did he know if the Ds had vomitted in his sleep?
Was it because Ds was still asleep.

If so does that mean he woke up the Ds to clear the mess?

If that was the case then why did the Step Father enter someone else’s room when they were asleep.

Also do you own the house or is it joint with the SF.

I have 2 teens. What goes on in their room is their business. If they need it cleaning then it is up to them. I occasionally pop my head round the door if I need to ask them anything and certainly wouldn’t comment on what I see.

[MartaHallard]

I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary, 18 is not a ‘grown man’.

18 year olds are legally adults. If it's asking too much of them to expect them to behave like adults, then perhaps the age of majority should be put back up to 21, as it used to be.

You can't expect to enjoy the privileges of adulthood if you can't handle the responsibility.

[HoraceCope]

Vomiting in a drunken stupor is very dangerous, it can kill a person

[iklboo]

Maybe the SF heard the OP's son being sick, maybe he smelled it. Either way going into his room does not excuse head butting his SF.

[Alexalee]

Another poster not liking the answers so doing a disappearing act?

[user1471600850]

God what is wrong with you all! Do any of you actually have an 18 year old! Of course he was wrong and needs to apologise and he is willing to do this if you read the post but I can totally sympathise with the Op. Her OH needs to talk to her son and not just throw him out. He's not really an adult so where do you think he has gone! Some of you obviously live in a perfect world! it is out of order what he did but have some empathy - if we all reacted like you most of our teenage kids would be living on the streets (and I have 3 of them!) Hope he apologises and they can get on with life.

[HerondaleDucks]

I regularly get headbutted by my step son but he has extreme special needs. It fucking hurts, once it knocked me out and I was unconscious. My dp got a black eye on Christmas eve being headbutted. It is serious and I fully support your dh on this stance. He just wants an apology. I think he deserves one

[Fairenuff]

We have teenage kids user

[steppemum]

My other half says he’s not welcome in our home unless the apology is good enough.

Fair enough.
Your son was massively out of order.
he needs to do some serious apologising

His behaviour wa sout of oder too. Drinking so much you throw up i pretty poor, but most people manage to se a loo or a bucket, so throwing up in a drunken stupor is revolting.

I would be expecting a serious apology too.
I would also be expecting some behaviour change - no throwing up in drunken stupors here.

Your son was so massively out of order to headbutt, that I wonder what the back story is. I cannot imagine a situation where one of my family headbutted another in anger (shouting etc yes, violence, no, he is lucky th epolice weren't called)

if that is all normal behviour for him, maybe it is time for him to find his own place

[steppemum]

It. Is. Never. Ok. To. Act. With. Violence. Towards. Another. Person.

Ever.

absolutley
about time your ds learnt that

[MartaHallard]

If that was the case then why did the Step Father enter someone else’s room when they were asleep.

Perhaps he was checking on him because he knew he'd come in drunk?

Perhaps SF had gone to call him because he needed to get up for school or work?

Perhaps he shares the room with someone else, who was complaining about the mess?

Also do you own the house or is it joint with the SF.

What has that to do with anything? If he'd headbutted his brother or step brother or other family member who didn't own the house, would that person not be entitled to insist on some reparation?

[SophiaLovesSummer]

Ex copper here. Few points:

1: People saying 'headbutting' is 'assault', 'serious grievous bodily harm' etc patently don't know what they're talking about as it's not the specific action that drives the charge but rather the injury/damage caused that drives the charge iyswim.

2: OP only posted 2 hours ago - it'd be helpful if folk remember this is someone's RL and not a soap opera that they're gagging for the next instalment of OP needs support and judging her - and she really is in a very shitty position - may push her away from thread and deny her the support and advice she patently needs.

[shiningstar2]

What your son did was truly awful op. Drunk and vomiting? Headbutting? Terrible.
However ...he is 18...the teens are a time for learning ...about limitations and right behaviour. Lots of people do stupid, thoughtless or horrible things in their teen years ...then hopefully learn from the experience and the fall out.

I think you should be giving your partner support and sympathy. I also think your partner should be able to move on after a sincere apology from your son and clear discussion about future behaviour, boundaries and learning his drinking limitations. That's if this is a first incident of this kind. If not who wants that kind of behaviour in their home.